


Disconnect

by Weatherbug02



Category: Star Wars - All Media Types, Star Wars Episode VII: The Force Awakens (2015), Star Wars Sequel Trilogy
Genre: Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, Alternate Universe - YouTube, Angst, Enemies to Friends to Lovers, F/M, Falling In Love, Happy Ending, Humor, Long-Distance Relationship, Mental Health Issues, Miscommunication, Mutual Pining, Obscure Meme References, Rivals, Sexual Content, Slow Burn, Social Media, Swearing, Unreliable Narrator, Various YouTuber Cameos, VidCon, Youtube References
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-09-17
Updated: 2018-02-20
Packaged: 2018-12-30 15:49:53
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 26
Words: 115,925
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12112059
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Weatherbug02/pseuds/Weatherbug02
Summary: Rey was an unpopular YouTuber for years before her channel skyrocketed. Kylo was a YouTuber with millions of subscribers who couldn't keep his mouth shut. After a misunderstanding, both parties became part of a famous rivalry known throughout the internet. Neither had seemed too keen on resolving it, but after five years, people start to notice a change between the two.





	1. The Internet Sucks And So Do You

**Author's Note:**

> Title from the song Disconnect by Clean Bandit ft. Marina and the Diamonds

**Notes for the Chapter:**

>  **Disclaimer** All handles/usernames presented in this fic are made up unless otherwise noted. Any similarities to actual users are simply coincidental.

_2012_

* * *

 

The camera sat in front of Rey, brutal and unforgiving. She hated the way it looked like it was judging her, just waiting to laugh every time she messed up. Every stutter, every lost train of thought, every mispronunciation. She hated the camera and the camera hated her, but it was the best thing that ever happened to her.

 

“Hey internet, it’s Rey! I’m celebrating something today and I’m super glad you’re here to see it. Any guesses?” The smile plastered across her face was fake, but they didn’t know that. She hated that they didn’t know. “I don’t know what ran through your head just now, but one of them may be right! Drum roll, please… I’ve got 3,000 subscribers!”

 

She wanted to ball her hands into fists, wanted to hurl them at the camera.

 

Bitterness sank into her voice. “I know it’s not a lot considering there are already people with millions of subscribers, but hey, I’ve got all of you, so that’s okay!”

 

She smiled again before sighing. She could pass it off like everything else she does—it was so  easy after four years on the site that no one ever questioned her at this point. It was a simple case of sit, smile, and nod.

 

Rey went on to describe all the things she would do that year. It’d be her first time attending VidCon (Not that she was actually invited or anything), third year at Summer In The City, stuff she was genuinely excited about. But she hated feeling like a nobody she went, like a newbie who doesn’t what they’re doing.

 

No, this was the year she’d do it. This was the year she’d get noticed and be someone important, do the thing she’d been dreaming off for so long. This was the year she’d make it.

 

“Anyway, I’d just like to thank all 3,000 of you. I love you so much and it means a lot that you enjoy my content. Remember my next livestream is Monday and I’ve got another short film for you coming real soon. If you’re sure to subscribe to my channel and my side channel to become part of the family and ding that bell so you don’t miss it.” She left out the part that only two or three of them ever did, but it was completely fine. “As always, I love you all so much and I hope you have a splendid day. Bye lovelies!”

 

Rey reached over and turned off the camera before sitting back on her stool and sighing. Her channel, _Rey of Light_ , was everything to her, but lately the videos had become so monotonous, so ingenuine. They didn’t feel real to her. Maybe it was a sign to do a little rebranding or that her act was getting boring. Maybe it was a sign that it was time to quit a four year commitment and go be an adult—someone who went to bed before midnight and ate breakfast and didn’t pay taxes at the last minute.

 

No, that was unrealistic.

 

She’d just have to do a little rebranding, expand her audience. That was it. That was always it.

 

* * *

 

Rey always liked the taste of red wine. She liked to drink it slowly, pretend she was wearing at a dinner party while wearing a fancy dress. She never trusted herself to put on an actual dress because she really did have the alcohol tolerance of a 15-year-old, but it was a nice thought.

 

Maybe someday she’d be invited to a real dinner party and be able to drink red wine without getting drunk and spilling it all over herself. Today was not that day.

 

So what if it was 16:00 in the afternoon? She was an adult and she had every right to lie face down on her kitchen counter completely wasted. It wasn't the healthiest coping mechanism, but it would do.

 

“I'm 19 years old and I'm already a failure,” she mumbled to her empty flat. “I never should've dropped out of Uni. I should've paid attention in secondary school and not made stupid YouTube videos.” She groaned, drumming her nail against the wine bottle to make a faint tapping noise. “YouTube fucking sucks, man.”

 

Her eyes trailed off to her camera set up she hadn't yet bothered to clean up. Slowly, Rey sat up and stared for a moment. “YouTube really does fucking suck, doesn't it?”

 

She nearly leapt off the table, stumbling slightly toward her stool where she sat just a few hours before. Nodding, Rey took one more swig of the bottle before turning on the record button.

 

“Listen up, everyone. My name’s Rey and…  ‘m going to expose this hellsite for what it truly is. This is gonna get long so sit back, relax, and sip some fucking tea, babes.”

 

* * *

 

The video was already long and she was completely slurring everything she said, but she couldn’t stop. She just kept talking, words falling out of her mouth before she could stop them. It was stuff she’d only shared to close friends, stuff she’d rarely say out loud.

 

“I’ve been on this site for four years, all right. I’ve been on this site longer than some of my viewers! And what do I have to show for it? Three thousand and…” She paused and spent a good two minutes on her phone looking for her sub count. “Three thousand and fifty-seven subscribers.”

 

Rey laughed lamely. “Not that I’m not extremely grateful, but… it’s like, really disheartening, you know? I’m serious about this. I post at least one video a week, I have a decent niche, I’m active on social media, I do livestreams and promotions, everything!”

 

She snorted and took a sip of the wine bottle she held in her hands. It was her 2nd of the day and was very quickly emptying. “I don’t know. Maybe I’m just ugly?” She gasped and dropped the bottle on the floor, making a mental note to pick the shards of glass later. “Wait! What if it’s that? I’m not very attractive, am I?” Rey leaned closer to the camera and examined herself in the lens. “I’ve got pretty horrible skin, I admit, and my eyebrows aren’t the best, but I wouldn’t say I’m ugly. Or maybe I really am ugly. I really don’t get contemplated…. contemplated… cont—con—complimented. Yeah, that one.”

 

Rey leaned back on the stool. “Am I making any sense? Probably not. Really, my point is, I think, that I… probably don’t have one, but please subscribe to me maybe? I just want some recognition. I make short films with… myself because I have like one friend. I also sometimes review things. Also don’t use Ad-Blockers because I dropped out of college for this.”

 

She snorted. “I really am a fucking dumbass, aren’t I? I’m a college dropout with a really shitty sense of humor, and my salary consists of $300 a year from YouTube Ads. Yes, I’m a partner, but it feels like I’m the only one pulling my weight in this relationship.” She leaned forward toward the camera. “Screw you, Google!”

 

Rey pulled out her phone and silently scrolled through her subscriptions. “You know,” she said after a moment, “some of these YouTubers really aren’t that great. I mean, they’re decent, sure, but 5 million subscribers for a comedy channel? Really? Anyone can get subscribers these days.” She laughed, her voice laced with sarcasm. “Except me, right?”

 

Rey sighed and stood up from the stool, carefully moving around the glass shards and wine stains on her floor. “I don’t think I’ve actually proved anything with this except… I’m a dumbass who has shitty content and an even shittier personality. So with that, I’m gonna leave and reassess my life, maybe drink a little more. You know, big adult stuff, lovelies. Feel free to unsubscribe.” She stumbled over to the camera and fumbled with the buttons for a good minute before finally shutting it off.

 

“I… am going to bed.”

 

* * *

 

Rey woke up to the piercing shrill of her phone ringer. Her head pounded as she grabbed at it, then winced at the blinding screenlight. _21:46_ , the clock read. The sun had already sat, leaving Rey, thankfully, in darkness.

 

The memories of the past few hours flooded back to her—the subscriber video, her ridiculous rant, passing out pathetically in her bed.

 

She quinted at the phone again, turning the brightness all the way down. There were several texts and two missed calls from Finn, another YouTuber friend back in America.

 

**To Finn:**

_I hate life_

 

**From Finn:**

_why?_

 

**From Finn:**

_are you okay?_

 

**From Finn:**

_having a crisis again?_

 

Rey smiled slightly before typing out a reply.

 

**To Finn:**

_I’m ok. Sort of crisis. Can you still call?_

 

It took 10 seconds for her phone to start ringing again, wincing at the ringtone. “Finn,” Rey mumbled, barely audible.

 

“Rey!” Finn’s voice was a bit too loud at the other end of the line. “Is everything okay?”

 

Rey groaned, moving the phone a bit further from her ear  “Finn, please take it down about three levels. My head is killing me.”

 

“Why? What happened?”

 

“I didn’t realize how horribly I hold my alcohol.”

 

She heard Finn laugh. “Rey, it’s like 10 in the evening where you are. How could you have possibly gotten a hangover already?”

 

“I downed a bottle of wine at 16:00 in the afternoon. Or two bottles, I can’t remember.” She closed her eyes and clung to the cover. She really needed to stop keeping alcohol on hand, even if she was of legal age. It lead to nothing good.

 

“Really? Again?”

 

“Yes, stop judging me.”

 

“Well,” Finn said, “too late for that, but if you decide to tell me exactly _why_ you got drunk at 4 o’clock in the afternoon, maybe I’ll stop.”

 

“Okay fine.” Rey sighed. “I… reached 3,000 subscribers today. I made a video about it.” She debated telling him about the horrid rant she made after the one thanking her subs.

 

“Really? Rey, that’s great!”

 

“Finn! Head. Hangover. Please.”

 

“Sorry,” he whispered. “What’s the problem then? Haven’t you been trying to get to 3,000 for a long time?”

 

“Yeah, four years is how long, but that wasn’t my goal. I want more, you know? I’ve given up my life for this. I film videos every single day, I have eight notebooks filled with video ideas, and I constantly get strange looks from people when I vlog.” Tears began to fill her eyes. “YouTube is my life, but I have nothing to show for it.”

 

Finn was silent for a few moments, and Rey took the opportunity to burrow deeper into her duvet. Finally, he gave a relenting sigh and spoke. “You need to suck it up, Rey.”

 

She blinked. “What?”

 

“I know you’ve been trying hard for so long. You’ve produced so many great videos, but you know how YouTube is. It’s a business and it’s not kind to everyone. You could make the best content in the world and people just miss it. That’s how life is.”

 

“Yeah…”

 

“And so what? You know your content’s good, your 3,000 subs know it’s good. Be happy with that. You said you filmed videos every day, right?”

 

“Um, yeah.” She debated telling him about the other video she made but thought better of it. Best not to get it involved now.

 

“Then edit that video and post it, Rey. You’re not gonna achieve anything by lying in bed and feeling sorry about yourself.”

 

She groaned. “My head.”

 

“Screw your head! Are you gonna let your head get in the way?”

 

“Yes.”

 

“No!”

 

Rey laughed and kicked her duvet off. “Okay, fine. No, I won’t let my head get in the way.”

 

“Then go and edit that video. Publish it when you’re finished. Also take a shower because self-care is important.”

 

“You need to get off Tumblr, Finn.”

 

“My point still stands. It will make you feel better, promise.”

 

Rey sighed and reached over to grab her laptop from the floor. “Alright, Finn. I’ll edit the video. Call me sometime tomorrow?”

 

“Of course. Bye, love.”

 

Rey hung up her phone and opened her laptop, groaning in pain from the brightness of the screen. She didn’t give herself time to adjust to the change of light and went straight to her editing software. She groaned, realizing her SD card was still in her camera in her lounge. It took a few minutes of pep-talk, but Rey finally managed to stand up and trudge out of her room. She fumbled with the camera a few minutes before getting the SD card.

 

Editing the video was easy. It was a simple video with only a few jumpcuts here and there needed where she had stuttered or messed up a sentence. The only thing she really needed to add was the outro and she’d be finished. Her head was still pounding, but she felt good, better than she had been for months.

 

She finished the video a few minutes later and saved it to her Desktop where all the other videos from her SD card were saved. She labelled it with the date and opened up YouTube on a web browser. There was a notification she’d gotten three new subscribers since yesterday.

 

Sighing, Rey clicked the upload button and returned to her Desktop to drag over the Subscriber video. Just when she was about to drop it in the upload section, her phone rang, which made her drop the video.

 

It was Finn again, probably calling to yell at her if she hadn’t uploaded yet. Rey answered her phone, pressing it between her shoulder and her ear as she went back to her Desktop. “Finn, I’m about to do it.”

 

“No!”

 

She rolled her eyes. “What? Why?”

 

“New plan. You’re gonna chicken out and delete the video as soon as you publish it. Send it to me and I’ll upload it to your channel.”

 

“You don’t have my password.”

 

“Yeah, I do. You gave it to me in case you ever forgot.”

 

Rey hesitated for a moment. “Finn… I don’t know.”

 

“It’ll be fine. Just send it to me.”

 

She sighed and took the phone from her shoulder. “Fine, I’ll do it, but you better not delete my channel or anything, all right?”

 

Finn laughed through the phone. “You know you love me.”

 

“Uh-huh.”

 

Rey opened her Google Drive and sent it to Finn’s Dropbox. “I did it. Are you gonna go upload it now or do I have to wait another hour to see it.”

 

“Go take a shower and then go to sleep. You’re not allowed to watch until morning. And no more alcohol.”

 

Rey winced. “Fine, no alcohol, but why can’t I see it? It’s my video.”

 

“Rey… shower, sleep, trust me. Ooh, just got the video. I’ll talk to you tomorrow, okay? Get some sleep. You know I love you and I’m doing what’s best for you.”

 

“I know, Finn,” she mumbled. “Goodnight.”

 

“Goodnight, now close that laptop and shower.”

 

“All right, Mom.” She hung up the phone and slowly shut her laptop. Her head was still pounding. A punishment, she supposed, for making bad decisions. If only more things held physical consequences.

 

By the time Rey made it to bed again it was nearly midnight. The shower she took was long and hot, enough to finally scrub away some of the thoughts that tore freely at her. She did feel better and a little more light. She sank into sleep easily.

 

* * *

 

The panging in Rey’s head had lessened significantly by morning, but there was still an ache since she forgot to take anything to ease it. She forced herself out of bed and walked, slightly dazed and half asleep, out of her bedroom and into her lounge.

 

Rey took some ibuprofen after taking a few minutes longer than she should’ve to find it and collapsed onto her couch, bunching up several blankets around her shoulders.

 

“I hate my life,” she said to herself and fell back asleep.

 

At 17:00 her phone rang. She had been on the couch for hours, half-dozing and half-playing shitty simulator games. It was Finn.

 

“Hello,” she answered.

 

“Have you been asleep?” His voice sounded completely awake, despite it being only 9am in California.

 

“Maybe. What’s up?”

 

“Have you checked YouTube yet?”

 

“No. Haven’t really felt like being reminded of my failures, funnily enough.” She wished she was joking, honestly. Though she’d felt a lot better last night, the feeling kept creeping back up on her.

 

“I haven’t since I first uploaded it. It was a funny video, one of your best.”

 

She rose an eyebrow. “Funny? I didn’t think it was funny.”

 

Finn laughed. “Are you kidding? Rey, it was hilarious. When you said you made a video thanking your subs, I didn’t think you meant a drunk talk, but it was great.”

 

Rey shot up to a sitting position, phone digging into her fingers as she clutched it. “Wait, what? What video did I send you?” Finn didn’t speak, and she could feel herself panicking. “Finn, I sent you a video of me thanking my subscribers! I wasn’t drunk!”

 

“Rey, that’s not the video you sent me.”

 

Rey dropped the phone into her lap, the realization of what she’d done filling her sleep-muddled brain. “Oh my god, oh my god, delete the video. Now. Please.”

 

“Okay, I’m on my laptop right now. I’ll delete it.” His voice was shaky. “It’ll be oka—oh fucking hell.”

 

Rey pressed the phone against her ear again. “What is it?” He didn’t answer her. “Finn! What is it?”

 

“Rey, you have 70,000 views.”

 

It took a moment for her to fully realize what that meant. “W-What do you mean? 70,000? No, no, you mean 700, 7,000, or something.”

 

“R-Rey,” Finn said, his voice cracking a little. “You’ve got over 70,000 views on that video.”

 

She felt numb. Not a good kind of numb like the sweet descent of death. It was the kind of numb feeling you get when your feet fall asleep while sitting on the toilet and you try to stand up and then fall on your face. It was _that_ kind of numb.

 

She dropped the phone and launched herself off her couch, tripping over her own feet to get into her bedroom. Her laptop was lying on its side next to her bed from when she had it the night before. She ran back to the couch and flipped open the laptop, turning it on as quickly as she could.

 

“Rey? Rey, where are you?” Finn’s voice could be heard faintly from under the blankets where she had tossed the phone.

 

Rey grabbed it, pressing it between her ear and shoulder as the laptop booted up. “I’m here, I’m here. I… I want to see for myself.”

 

“Okay.”

 

It took her a few minutes on her painstakingly slow laptop from 2009, but she finally managed to get onto her account. With fumbling hands, Rey opened her video Finn had titled “A Thank You For 3,000 Subs!!!” and was met with a drunken smile—

 

And 90,000 views.

 

“Finn! You said it was 70, not 90!” she said, ripping the phone away from her shoulder.

 

“What? It was!” He was silent for a moment before speaking again: “I just refreshed the page. Jesus, what happened?”

 

Rey clutched her head and let out a loud groan of frustration. “Fuck! Fuck, fuck, fuck. This wasn’t supposed to happen!”

 

“Give me a sec. I’ll find out what happened.”

 

While she waited for Finn, Rey scrolled through the comments of her drunken rant. Usually her videos got at maximum 30 comments and a minimum of 10. It was never what she wanted, but she was still grateful for all the people who took their time to comment at all. (Besides the occasional hate comment, of course.)

 

This time was very different. Rey usually had a routine of replying to everyone, starting from the very first comment, but she realized there were over 1,000 within a day. She sighed and started reading.

 

**[A Thank You For 3,000 Subs!!!]**

93,689 views

 

Comments · 2047

Top Comments ˅

  


**Alyssa Gomez** [2 hours ago]

LMFAO this is the funniest thing I’ve ever seen

_view all 24 replies˅_

 

**phanicatthedollhousechemicalpilotice** [54 minutes ago]

ikr like what is this girl on hahahaha

 

**Renée Diablo-Spencer** [51 minutes ago]

Pfffft made my day tbh

  


**DBCMN** [1 hour ago]

Is… this allowed on YouTube??? Run away, the YouTube Gods are gonna track her down.

_view all 12 replies˅_

 

**Taylor Swift’s Cousin** [12 minutes ago]

IM YELLING

 

**Slytherpuffravendor** [10 minutes ago]

Too soon, man. Too soon.

  


**LemonCop** [10 hours ago]

Call the police, everyone, because you just witnessed a murder.

_view all 13 replies˅_

 

**YOLOLOL** [9 hours ago]

I want to bleach my eyes

 

**Redback Bug Bitch** [9 hours ago]

Are you fucking kidding me? A murder? All she did was talk like an annoying piece of trash. The fact that Poe tweeted her was just pure luck and as someone who’s witnessed an actual murder it offends me.

 

**April Sargotta** [9 hours ago]

**+Redback Bug Bitch** What the fuck are you on about? Poe tweeted her because it’s a funny video ok you sound insane. And maybe go see someone about that murder thing……

 

“Rey, are you there?” Finn’s voice echoed from the phone.

 

“Yeah, I’m here.” She put him on speaker. “I found something of interest, actually.”

 

“Thank God because I’ve found nothing. I went on Tumblr, Twitter, Reddit, Instagram. There was only something about someone named Poe.”

 

“Finn, you’re such an uncultured swine. It’s Poe Dameron, for god’s sake. You said he was cute once, remember?” She couldn’t understand how anyone _couldn’t_ remember Poe Dameron, the literal most attractive guy on YouTube.

 

“Oh, that Poe Dameron. What’s his Twitter?”

 

“God, you’re no help.”

 

“Hey!”

 

Rey ignored him and logged onto Twitter. Her account was blowing up as she expected, but ignored the notification and the… several hundred new followers. Her mind went back to her new subscriber count that she’d forgotten to check. Would anyone new have subscribed or did they think she’d be a one-hit-wonder?

 

She shook her head and continued on a search to find Poe Dameron. It wasn’t hard considering she practically stalked his Twitter and tried to not compulsively favorite every single selfie he posted. She saved that for Instagram.

 

Her video wasn’t the first post on Poe’s feed. There were a few other tweets consisting of random deep thoughts and a few retweets from several other YouTubers she recognized, but, sure enough, she saw one single tweet made earlier in the day:

 

Poe Dameron @poedameron · 11h

found this video in my recommendeds and laughed my ass off. you all should watch it.

 

It was followed by a bunch of crying emojis and a link to her video, as well as several hundred retweets and even more likes. Rey stares at the image for a good two minutes before Finn’s voice broke through.

 

“Rey? Did you find it?”

 

“Yeah,” she whispered, almost too quiet for anyone to hear.

 

“I really am so sorry, Rey. I had no idea.”

 

She sighed. “It wasn’t your fault. I was a dumbass and I’ve got to own it.”

 

“Do you… want me to delete the video still? I can do it right now.”

 

She was silent for a few moments before speaking, trying to settle her thoughts on the matter. Though, that’d be impossible. She’d never be 100% okay with it. “No. Don’t delete it.”

 

“Really?”

 

“Yeah, too many people have already seen it and if I remove it then people will wonder why. I’ll just… pretend I meant to post it.”

 

“Pretend?”

 

“For now.”

 

Finn hesitated for a moment. “That… doesn’t sound like a good idea.”

 

Rey smiled slightly and pulled her knees up to her chest. There was a challenge in the back of her mind. Just the mere thought of playing this game made her want it more than Finn would ever know. “I know.”

 

* * *

 

Rey loved YouTube. She loved it more than her real life, loved it more than herself sometimes. She’d been following some YouTubers since 2007 when everyone was shitty and the whole thing was new. There were few channels and even fewer interesting videos, but one that had always stuck out was someone who went by the name of Kylo Ren.

 

Kylo Ren was interesting. No one knew his exact niche or what kind of brand he had. Everything was randomized and you never knew what you’d get from a video. But that was one of the things that made him special.

 

Rey always made time to watch Kylo’s livestreams, even though it meant staying up past 2am every so often. But even when she sat in her pyjamas, a bowl of popcorn in her lap as the stream was nearly halfway over, she realized it was one of the biggest highlights of her week.

 

“‘ _Daddy_ ,’ says Amelia. Thank you, Amelia, I appreciate it.” Kylo was lying sideways on his bed, arm propping his head up as he scrolled through the live chat.

 

Rey smiled as she watched. The chat was moving fast tonight, the constant stream of caps and emojis completely flooding it as always. Kylo managed it well, though, and never complained to them.

 

“‘ _Tell us one interesting thing you’ve done this week_ ,’ says… Pinky226.” He laughed. “Um, so I had to buy a friend a present this week for a housewarming gift. Obviously I’m stupid and don’t know what a normal person gets for a housewarming, so naturally I bought three bottles of cheap wine. Not just wine, cheap wine.” He laughed. “Don’t ever trust me to buy a good gift because I can’t.”

 

Rey found herself smiling as her eyes began drooping from exhaustion. She wasn’t sure whether it was Kylo’s voice or the fact that it was nearly 3am, but she didn’t pay it too much mind.

 

“Alright, um, next question. ‘ _Have you seen the new Poe Dameron video?_ ’ asks SarahG.” Rey’s eyes shot open. “Oh, his newest video? Yeah, totally. He needs to stop playing with knives though. I do not approve.”

 

Kylo paused to move onto the next question and Rey let out a sigh of relief. “‘ _Kylo, speaking of Poe, have you seen that video he linked on his Twitter?_ ’” He paused for a moment, glancing toward the wall beside him. “Yeah, actually I have.”

 

Rey almost choked on her popcorn. “Fuck. Fuck, fuck, fuck.” This was _not_ how the night was supposed to go. It’d been nearly three days since that video. She didn’t want it to die off just yet, but she never even thought about Kylo seeing it.

 

“What did I think of it? Uh, I’m going to be honest with you, it was sorta… immature?” Rey felt her face turning red as Kylo went on. “I mean, I get where the girl was coming from, but it just feels to me like she doesn’t understand YouTube enough. Like, not everyone makes it and if your content isn’t good, then well, you’re out of luck. Little girls with thin skin aren’t gonna make it in the big world.”

 

The initial embarrassment Rey felt was replaced with something else. All of a sudden, she couldn’t stand to look at Kylo Ren, even through a screen. He’d just insulted everything she was, everything she’d worked for.

 

She pushed the laptop off her lap and slammed it close. “Fuck,” she mumbled, digging her fingernails into her scalp. “Fucking Kylo Ren insulted me, my content. What the actual—”

 

She was interrupted by a call from Finn, who seemed to be able to sense her emotions. Either that or he had seen the livestream. She didn’t answer the phone.

 

Rey balled her hands into fists and shoved the popcorn bowl off her. She never thought Kylo Ren, a man she’d never met, would even know who she was, let alone hurt her in any way. But here he was, humiliating her in front of thousands of people.

 

Rey wasn’t sure of most things in her life, but she was certain of this one thing:

 

She hated Kylo Ren.


	2. Caffeination Has Its Down Sides

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> #VidCon2017 gets started and Rey gets some unexpected news about her rival, Kylo Ren.

_2017_

* * *

 

Every year she went to VidCon it felt a little bit different. The hotel rooms got better, the crowds got bigger, and it was so much more exhausting. She loved it, though. She loved seeing her fans and attending events and seeing other YouTubers. It was always a fun event, even if she slept for two days straight afterward.

 

“Hey, everyone! This is your girl Rey, and I’m here with two special guests!” She was standing in her hotel room near a window, camera in hand. She slowly turned around, revealing two other people sitting on her couch. “You all remember Finn and Rose, right?”

 

Finn smiled, eyes still focused on the phone he held in his hand. “Obviously. I’m the best thing to have ever happened to YouTube.”

 

“Fight me,” Rose said from right next to him, her nose also in her phone. “Actually fight me.”

 

Rey laughed and turned the camera back to herself. “That’s everyone’s favorite YouTube couple, Rose Tico and Sin With Finn.”

 

“Subscribe!” Finn shouted, and Rey pointed the camera toward him again.

 

Rose snorted. “Don’t subscribe to him. He’s a trashcan.”

 

“That’s my branding for a reason.” Finn winked at the camera and shot to his feet, jumping over the couch to get close to the lens. “I post videos every week including a weekly livestream about shit no one cares about.”

 

Rey laughed and jerked the camera away. “No! No promos!”

 

“Subscribe! I’m pretentious and want attention!” He made a grab for the lens, but Rey pulled away from him at the last second. “Help!” was the last word heard before the camera was shut off. Finn huffed. “Rey, you’ve ruined my desperate plea for attention. How could you?”

 

She playfully shoved him back onto the couch. “I am very sorry, Finnigan.”

 

He sighed. “We’ve known each other for a decade, Rey—a _decade_ —and I’m still subjected to this. I should seek help.” He turned to Rose. “Rey’s being mean to me, Rose.”

 

She didn’t look up. “Rey, stop being mean to Finn. He’ll whine to me for the rest of VidCon. And every fan who will listen to him.”

 

Finn scoffed. “I am not whining. I am a grown man, excuse you.”

 

“You don’t know how to do your own laundry and you watch My Little Pony.” Rose looked up at him then. “You aren’t even a Brony, you just like the show.”

 

“It’s a good show, okay?”

 

Rey sat down next to him. “Own it, Finn. You’d be nothing without us.”

 

“Yeah, yeah, I’m going to unsub and unfollow you everywhere. I mean it this time.”

 

Rey laughed and shook her head. Ever since they met on Tumblr in 2007 when they were both young and really, really stupid he’d always threatened to unfollow her every time she reblogged horrible Sonic fanart and tagged him in it. It went on when they both got YouTube, sending each other videos through Tumblr asks and later messaging through Twitter.

 

Despite his constant threats, he never did actually unfollow her (though he did block her on Skype a few times).

 

Rey was about to respond when she heard a knock. She jumped up and nearly ran to the door, swinging it open. In hindsight it probably wasn’t the best idea considering it could be one of her stalker fans, so she was relieved to see none other than Poe Dameron standing in front of her, holding a bottle of wine. “Poe! You made it!” She held the door wide enough for him to enter.

 

Poe Dameron was one of the greatest things to ever happen to her. If it wasn’t for him, she would be where she was five years ago: working as a waitress making minimum wage and living alone in a cruddy apartment in Peckham with no college degree or money for name brand shampoo.

 

He walked past her and set the wine down on a table. “Of course I made it. I wouldn’t pass up an opportunity to see some of my greatest pals.” He wrapped an arm around Rey.

 

Finn shot up from the couch, dramatically setting a hand on his heart. “Pals? Poe, I thought we were so much more to each other.”

 

“We slept together three times, Finny, don’t get ahead of yourself.”

 

Rose raised a hand. “Please don’t talk about my boyfriend’s sexual history with you in front of me, Poe.”

 

Poe pulled Rey to the couch and sandwiched her comfortably between him and Finn while Rose moved to a chair next to them. “So what are we doing this fine weekend?” Poe asked, taking out his phone and pulling out his calendar. “Are we gonna get turnt?”

 

Rose looked up. “Please never say ‘turnt’ again.”

 

Rey laughed. “I’ve sorta got panels, Q&As, and Meet and Greets for most of the weekend, and the little time I have left is for sleeping. Also, didn’t we say we were never getting ‘turnt’ again after Summer In The City last year?”

 

She didn’t remember it well, but what could be gleaned from her alcohol-muddled brain was that she had had a lot of cocktails and then ended up giving a lapdance to a British man whose name she thankfully couldn’t remember. The night ended with Rey, Finn, Poe, and Rose passed out in her bed, lying over each other fully-clothed with the most disgusting hangovers.

 

Poe smirked. “You’re right. We’ll limit those cocktails. You really do make the worst decisions when you’re drunk. But hey, at least one time it got you somewhere.”

 

Rey’s face went blank for a moment, and she shoved a pillow into his face. “We do not speak of that.”

 

Poe laughed. “Hey, just implying.”

 

“Still YouTube’s highest quality content, Rey,” Finn said, elbowing her in the ribs. “I’m surprised they didn’t take down the video considering YouTube hates you, but it is indeed a gift to the world. You should shoot drunk videos more often. Your audience would love it.”

 

“I’ve done a tipsy livestream before and you know how that ended.”

 

“Is that the one YouTube demonetized because you called them a ‘wannabe punk bitch loner whose broke ass couldn’t afford a candy bar from a vending machine’?”

 

Rey laughed. “Literally three quarters of my videos are demonetized. That’s nothing new. The YouTube Gods totally love me.”

 

“Yeah,” Poe said, tapping away at his phone, “they just want you to delete your channel and everything associated with you.”

 

“That’s not true.” They all stared at her. “Okay, it might be true. Just a little bit. But I won’t give in. YouTube can pry my bitter content from my cold, dead hands.”

 

Rose sighed and stood up, slipping her phone into her pocket and then walking toward the door. She set a hand on the door handle and looked back at them all. “Come on, guys. It’s boring up here. Let’s go downstairs and meet up with some other YouTubers. You know I love you all, but I’m not spending the entirety of VidCon pent up inside with all of you.”

 

Rey didn’t want to agree, but she had to. Even though she loved coming to Anaheim, she always spent most of it inside catching up with people. She didn’t get to see everyone in real life often, so she did tend to forget about everything else that involved the event besides her actual work stuff.

 

“You’re right, you’re right.” Rey stood up and attempted to pull Finn and Poe off the couch. Both groaned and pulled away.  “Come on, let’s go out and treat ourselves before the crowd gets too crazy the rest of the week. We’ll be too tired if we wait until the end.”

 

Finn rolled his eyes. “I’ve been to Anaheim over six times, Rey. I live in LA. It’s nothing new.”

 

“Hey, why don’t you and Rose go alone?” Poe asked, eyes still fixed on his phone. “Get some of that girl time or whatever. Me and Finn can just hang here. Haven’t seen him in a while.”

 

Rose was already halfway out the door. “Don’t make out with my boyfriend, Poe. Let’s go, Rey.”

 

Rey grabbed her vlogging camera before waving to Finn and Poe and trying to run after Rose. She was several meters down the hall already, obviously not stopping. After a minute of trying not to sprint obnoxiously down the hall, Rey gave up and turned on the camera in her hands, then pointing it down at herself. She plastered on a smile.

 

“Hey, again. I am walking down a hotel hall and it’s currently 3 o’clock in the afternoon. Why, you ask? Oh, it’s because Rose asked me to go out with her and then completely ditched me in the hallway. And now I’m trying not to be a super annoying twat to everyone staying in this hotel. Luckily a lot of YouTubers are here, so I won’t look like a total creep.” She was silent for a few minutes, putting the camera down when she reached the elevator. It was filled with mostly strangers, but there was one other YouTuber she vaguely recognized. It was a young blonde teenager—what her typical audience would look like—who she’d seen a few videos of and heard talk about in the YouTube community.

 

When Rey stepped into the elevator, she noticed their eyes widen before glancing away from her. She still got a weird feeling when those kinds of things happened. Five years ago she was a complete nobody and now she was a meme gone wrong. A meme with nearly 8 million subscribers.

 

She and the other YouTuber happened to get off at the same floor. Rey stopped her and smiled, trying not to subconsciously seem like a creepy predator asking if a kid wanted candy. “Hey, you’re a YouTuber, right?”

 

The girl looked mortified. “Y-Yeah.”

 

“I’ve seen your channel before. DeathByFanfic?”

 

Her eyes widened. “Oh my god, you actually know who I am?”

 

“That depends. Do you know who I am?”

 

She laughed uncomfortably. “Yes, of course. Who doesn’t? You’re Rey of Light. You’re like one of my favorite YouTubers ever.”

 

Rey’s heart always hurt when she heard stuff like that. Even after so long, it never got old. Maybe she just had a huge ego, but she felt so happy when she heard it. “Thank you. That means so much to me. I love your channel too! I watch it all the time.”

 

“Really?” The girl’s—Her name was Amanda if she could remember correctly—voice squeaked

 

“Yeah! In fact…” Rey pulled out her phone from her pocket. “Can I have a selfie?”

 

“W-What? With me, really?”

 

Rey held her phone and pressed the camera app. “Obviously. I don’t get a lot of time to mingle with other YouTubers. I might not see you again, so I’ve got to take what I can get, right?” She held her phone app, the camera in selfie mode. “Please?”

 

Amanda blinked once before moving in closer to Rey. Rey held her phone, snapping a few pictures before smiling. Amanda was already taking out her own phone. “Can I have one too?” Rey nodded and Amanda took a few photos in a couple different poses. She pulled away. “Thank you so much! I’ve gotta go, but hopefully we can see each other again sometime or maybe collab if I’m ever in London.”

 

Rey smiled. “For sure.” Amanda jogged off, and Rey felt a hand on her shoulder. She didn’t have to look to know who it was.

 

“You’re subscribed to her?” Rose asked, staring curiously at the girl as she walked a distance away.

 

“No.”

 

* * *

 

The hotel VidCon hosted its guests at wasn’t the epitome of luxury, but it was beautiful and efficient enough. Rey liked hanging out in the lobby and stumbling across a few fans every now and then and getting some sun through the window without the heat. It was relaxing before the week ahead, and she probably wouldn’t be able to do it again until VidCon next year.

 

Rey still had her vlogging camera out, talking to it occasionally before someone would interrupt her. People were still arriving whether they be guests or YouTubers. It was nearing 12 o’clock at night and the jet lag was hitting her hard at this point. Rose had left a few hours ago, leaving Rey on her 3rd cup of coffee. She was trying to stay awake until midnight so she could adapt to the timezone, but it wasn’t proving easy.

 

“Yes,” she said to the camera she held in her hands, “I’m probably dying on the inside or whatever, but it’s all cool, you know? I’m doing this for you. And whether or not I develop caffeine addiction is my problem, not yours.” She was walking around the hotel lobby, which was less crowded, but still had people out and about. One or two others were in the corner most likely vlogging just like her. She made an effort to keep her voice down. “I’ve got a packed agenda the next few days. Got a ton of great panels and discussions. I get to sleep in a bit tomorrow, though, so yay! I should probably go now. I’m think I’m starting to shake and you all probably don’t want to see me overdose on caffeine. Anyway, goodnight, lovelies!”

 

Rey shut the camera and turned around, smacking against something hard and dropping her camera. “Shit!” She and the other figure both leaned down to grab it, but the person backed off suddenly. Rey stood up. “I’m so—” She stopped herself short, meeting the person’s eyes.

 

He stared at her with no smile on his face, his height unnerving. “Well, look who it is.”

 

“Kylo.” She had trouble keeping the bitterness out of her voice. “Look who finally made it to the party.”

 

He smirked. It made her blood boil. “Now, now, Rey. Are we really doing this again?”

 

Rey hated the way he smiled at her, mocking and pretentious. She hated everything about him. “Can I help you or are you going to keep staring at me like an idiot?” They were silent for several moments, staring each other down before Kylo let out a laugh.

 

“Fair enough.” He turned away from her and dragged his suitcase over to the front desk. “I’ll see you tomorrow and Thursday.”

 

“Thursday?” she asked. She didn’t remember a party or anything she _had_ to see him at. All she had was a couple panels and a meet-and-greet later that night.

 

He shot a glance back at her and dug through his bag a moment before handing a crinkled piece of paper at her. She didn’t take it for a second, but conceded, scanning her eyes over the page. “This is just a lineup of who’s on which panel.”

 

Kylo rolled his eyes. “Maybe if you paid attention to anyone besides yourself, Rey, then you’d see that I’ll be accompanying you on the panel this Thursday.”

 

Her face was turning red—she could feel it. Rey wasn’t sure which was worse, the fact that he’d be on a panel with her for the first time or the fact he just called her self-absorbed. Saying both probably wouldn’t be a reach.

 

Instead of owning up and admitting that no, she hadn’t actually looked at who else was on the panel, Rey crumpled up the paper into a ball and stormed toward the elevator, not looking back at Kylo even when he demanded back his paper. “Print a new one!” she had shouted back. Stealing wasn’t normally something she’d condone, but this crossed a line. She wouldn’t let herself be made a fool again by Kylo Ren.

 

The elevator up to her hotel room was too slow. She’d be staying on the 6th floor along with many other YouTubers. When the elevator finally stopped, instead of running to her own room and throwing a £10 vase from a department store, she went to Finn’s. If not to vent out her frustrations, then to throw a vase from Finn’s room and blame him for it. Either way, it seemed like a fairly solid plan.

 

She assumed most YouTubers would be asleep by now (even if a majority of them were possible insomniacs), so she didn’t really bother to walk quietly. She pounded on Finn’s door, paper ball still crumpled in her hand. It burned slightly, but it didn’t matter. There were more important things to be worrying about.

 

Finn opened the door after 15 seconds of her pounding. He was in his pajamas, and his room was completely dark. Rey realized she probably shouldn’t have woken him by incessant pounding, but she decided to apologize later.

 

“What in the hell, Rey?” Finn’s voice was groggy. _He couldn’t have possibly been asleep that long, could he have?_ she thought.

 

Rey pushed past him into his room. It wasn’t as big as hers, containing only a small lounge with a TV and one bedroom, but it was functional. “It’s an emergency, I’m sorry.”

 

Finn sighed and shut the door, walking back into the lounge and turning on a light. “Okay, what is it? People are gonna think I’m having an affair.”

 

“Oh shut up.” She took the paper from her hand and straightened it out, handing it to Finn. “It’s this.”

 

Finn took the paper, reading down the paper for a few seconds. “I don’t get it. It’s just the panel lineup.”

 

“That’s what I thought too, but look at my second panel on Thursday.”

 

It took him a moment to find the spot, but when he did his eyes widened. “Kylo Ren? You’re not serious?”

 

Rey nodded and dug her hands into her hair. “I know. You’d think whoever did this lineup would be smarter because there is now way in hell I can be on a panel with the likes of that man and not rip him to shreds. There just isn’t, Finn.”

 

“Hey, maybe it won’t be too bad,” Finn said. Rey scoffed. “I’m serious. Just ignore him. Be the bigger person for once.”

 

Rey took the paper from Finn and stared at Kylo’s name. “You don’t understand, Finn, _I can’t_. He constantly makes these comments that no one would notice were aimed at me, but they are! I can’t not say something back.”

 

“Please, Rey,” Finn said, setting his hands on her shoulders. “It’ll be fine. Just don’t let him get under your skin. He just wants to rile you up. Don’t let him win. You know he won’t change, so let him be the child and you be the adult. People will appreciate.”

 

Rey sighed. “You’re probably right. Still not happy about this though. I was looking forward to this panel.”

 

“Don’t let him ruin it for you. Don’t let him win.”

 

She stared down at the paper, running her fingers across the edge of the page. “Trust me, I won’t.”

 

* * *

 

XXXTRASHCANXXX @trashhy · 21m

arriving later at #Vidcon2017 can’t wait to see some of my internet peeps!

 

⏐ Phasma ⏐ @phasmatic · 19m

Arrived at #Vidcon2017 My hotel room is amazing. Can’t wait to get this week started.

 

Amanda K. Bedusa  @deathbyfanfic · 19m

Met @reyflight earlier today! She was absolutely the sweetest!

 

Pepe @jesuslovesyou · 18m

#Vidcon2017 is already getting on my nerves. The only time Anaheim looks nice. Pandering to these whiny snowflakes. Pathetic.

 

Marbles @Marblesforthewin · 17m

So excited for #Vidcon2017

 

Remy Wish @wimpytongue · 15m

Hope we don’t have to deal with that awful host at #Vidcon2017 again. Jesus.

 

Kylie Kendall @brimingtongirls · 16m

Wish i could be at #Vidcon2017 it’s gonna be lit this year i know it

 

Sarah Geller @sarahg · 13m

Spotted @reyoflight and @kyloren at #Vidcon2017 Wonder what they’re doing together…

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks to everyone who commented on the last chapter. This is a lot of fun to write! Hope y'all are enjoying.
> 
> Follow me on Tumblr: https://rey-fucking-lo.tumblr.com/


	3. The End of the World Comes With Popcorn and a Backstage Pass

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> A VidCon panel ends in disaster

Rey opened her eyes on Thursday to a shrieking alarm and a throbbing head. It reminded her of a very long time ago, but this time alcohol wasn’t there to numb the pain. Actually, she refused any alcoholic drinks that were offered after the big kickoff event in favor of sticking to apple juice and fruit punch. Even if they were technically meant for the minors.

 

No, the headache was because she had fallen asleep only 2 hours ago.

 

It was 6am, and the sun was just starting to rise in the distance. Rey groaned, curling around her duvet and wishing that she was back home in her shitty flat in Peckham. This always happened on the second day, and she could guarantee that at least 10 other YouTubers were feeling exactly like her.

 

A good minute later, after going through the five stages of grief, Rey reached over to her phone alarm and pressed the snooze button, but the shrieking continued. She covered a pillow with her ears and grabbed her phone, groaning internally. “Fucking glitchy cell phone app.” After a minute or so of fiddling with the app to no success, Rey muted the alarm app as a whole and slammed her phone back down on the nightstand.

 

Rey willed herself out of bed 10 minutes later, stumbling toward the bathroom with tired eyes and the smallest will to live. Her shower was spent standing under the water while staring off into oblivion, and it wasn’t until she was in the hall walking with Finn that she felt more than partially awake.

 

“You doing okay, Rey?” Finn sounded tired, but nowhere near her level. He was holding a coffee cup in one of his hands, a muffin in the other. Rey wanted that muffin.

 

Rey gave him a tired glance. “I haven’t slept more than four hours in three days. What do you think?”

 

Finn stopped in the middle, choking on his muffin. “Shit, Rey, why? That’s not good.”

 

She shrugged. “You know I don’t sleep much. Just nerves, I think. VidCon’s always freaked me out.” They arrived at an empty elevator, thankful for the early morning hour, but Rey was sure they’d run into the superfans who were hellbent on being first in line on a Meet and Greet. “I’ll be fine, don’t worry.”

 

Finn pressed the Ground Floor button, and the elevator hummed as it descended. “Just be careful, alright? We don’t need a repeat of VidCon 2013.”

 

Rey cringed. “We don’t speak of that. And it’ll be fine, I promise. When I get back to London, I’ll sleep for an entire day and do nothing. Self care.”

 

Finn shook his head. “Whatever you say.” He was about to bite into his muffin when it was snatched out of his hands. “Rey!”

 

She took a bite and chewed painstakingly slow. “We made a pact, Finn. We be each other’s first subscribers, we get married if we’re not dating anyone by 40, and we have free access to each other’s food. It’s how the world works. There’d be no balance if it were anything else, you know.”

 

Finn snatched his muffin back and nudged her with his elbow. “You’re making me regret following you on Tumblr all those years ago.”

 

“Welcome to the party, Finnigan.”

 

They were silent for a few moments, Finn chewing thoughtfully and Rey staring at nothing in particular as the elevator descended. “You okay, Rey?” Finn asked, his eyes fixed on her.

 

She shrugged, hands fiddling with her t-shirt. “I guess.”

 

“Do you want some of my coffee? You look tired.”

 

Rey smiled slightly and accepted Finn’s drink. He never really understood her emotions, but he always tried to make her feel less anxious in any way he could, and Rey was grateful for that. She took a sip of his coffee and winced at the sheer amount of sugar it contained. Finn always did have a thing for making regular coffee a Starbucks experiment gone wrong. “Jesus, Finn, what’s the point of coffee if you’re gonna make it taste like fucking candyland.”

 

Finn rolled his eyes as the elevator opened. “Not my fault you like your coffee black.”

 

“I do not like my coffee black. I like it to still taste like coffee,” she mumbled, taking another step as she followed Finn out of the elevator. “And besides, you’re gonna give yourself a heart attack with that.”

 

“That’s a risk I’m willing to take.”

 

Rey opened her mouth to comment but closed it when an arm wrapped around her shoulders. “There she is, YouTuber of the century.”

 

“Poe, get off me please. It’s 6:30 in the morning.”

 

He huffed. “How did you know it was me?”

 

“You smell like a goddamn Axe model. And not in a good way.”

 

“Ouch,” Poe said, releasing her and patting her once on the back. “Is it that bad? I told Rose not to spray it, but she’s mean to me.”

 

Finn rose an eyebrow. “What were you doing with my girlfriend?”

 

“He stole my pen.” Finn jumped with a small shriek as Rose exited the elevator, holding a coffee and some kind of breakfast bar. “Little bitch wouldn’t give it back, so I took some desperate measures.”

 

“You jumpscared me with body spray because I stole a pen?”

 

Rose sipped her coffee. “Precisely, yes.”

 

Poe rolled his eyes and turned back to Rey. “You look like a zombie on meth. All offense.” He winked. “Still would bang, though.”

 

Rey heard Finn snort. She couldn’t exactly disagree considering she did look positively awful, but she hadn’t had time to put any makeup on. Not that she usually did anyway.“Thanks, Poe, you’re such a gentleman. You’re going to great places in life.”

 

“Shut up, Poe,” Rose said, shoving him lightly. “Rey didn’t look like a meth user last night at the opening night event, and that’s the only thing that matters. Her true fans know how she really looks.”

 

Rey was silent for a moment. “Wow, Rose, that was almost a compliment, yet completely true.”

 

“You were great, though, Rey.” Finn took his coffee from her and set it on top of her head. She laughed. “Very moving, especially about the story about how you got that hugeass bruise on your thigh because you tripped on an escalator coming into the convention center. It was truly marvelous.”

 

Rey grabbed the cup from her head and downed the rest of it in a few seconds, choking a little from the heat. Her head buzzed. Yesterday was definitely something, she’d admit. The morning was easy despite her lack of sleep from the night before, but by the evening and the opening night YouTube OnStage event, Rey was completely dead on her feet. Finn had to coax her out of bed to go to a party with the other creators, which, obviously, was a big mistake.

 

Poe patted Rey on the back. “Security is here. Let’s go to VidCon, shall we?”

 

* * *

 

Rey hated panels. They were awkward and uncomfortable, depending on the host and the subject. She hated the unpredictability of it and the embarrassment that would happen when you leaned in to answer a question and ended up not speaking because someone beat you to it. It was uncomfortable to watch and it was uncomfortable to be in.

 

The first panel didn’t go as badly as she thought it would, but it wasn’t the best. It was a talk about careers as a female creator and how she and other women felt the difference was between how women could act as a YouTuber versus men. Most of them were beauty vloggers (something definitely very different from Rey’s content), but there were a few others whose niches were a vast array of gaming videos to comedy sketches.

 

She hadn’t spoken much during the whole panel except for a couple comments here and there, and that’s how she preferred it. She was good at talking to a camera because she just imagined it was a friend that was listening to a story of hers. It couldn’t talk back and it couldn’t laugh at her stupid mistakes.

 

But these people were real and they all had opinions about her and her work.

 

She was thankful when it was over and spent most of the rest of her time backstage in a lounge, scrolling through her social media. People came and left occasionally, but it was mostly alone with her thoughts and the internet.

 

Martin Sparter @martysparta · 15m

At #VidCon2017 and got to meet my fave @phasmatic!!!

 

Sala Rami @salamirami · 15m

#VidCon2017 is killing it with the food game tbh

 

Kar @xxxkarxxx · 13m

i was at #VidCon2017 and apparently i’m @rosetico ‘s doppelganger……. someone asked for a picture and i didn’t have the heart to say no lmao

 

LOL News At Night @lolnewsatnight · 12m

Caught on camera @ #VidCon2017 YouTuber “Rey Of Light” falling down an escalator! Major injuries expected!!! Click here for more info [ http://bit.ly/IqT6zt ](http://bit.ly/IqT6zt)  


Rey shut her phone off, her face red. She really would never live that moment down. To be fair, she never really lived anything down since she was still considered to be the “sad, drunk YouTuber” by everyone and their mothers. It was frustrating for a long time, but she came to terms with it a few years ago, deciding to make the best of the situation.

 

The best idea she could come up with was to glean enough subscribers to feed her ego.

 

It was probably not the most admirable thing she could’ve done, but it was what she did and the only thing that got her there at VidCon as a featured creator where she could eat sponsored candy from bowls on coffee tables and lie on horribly uncomfortable Ikea couches. A couch, she noticed, despite her aching back, was extremely inviting.

 

* * *

 

Sleeping for the majority of the 2nd day of VidCon was not on Rey’s agenda, but nobody really minded or cared enough to wake her up. It was easy to do, so easy, and Rey didn’t realize she passed out until she stirred after someone slammed a door while exiting the room. Rey woke up face-down on the sofa, drooling and stiff. She was about to close her eyes again and go back to sleep when her phone vibrated beneath her stomach.

 

Rey groaned, shuffling for her phone with lacking motor skills and pressing it her ear after she somehow managed to locate it with a sleep-muddled mind. She accepted the call and pressed it to her ear, not bothering to look at the ID. “Hello?” she mumbled.

 

“Rey, Jesus fucking Christ!” It was Finn.

 

“What’d I do?”

 

“Where the fuck are you?” His voice was serious, something that rarely happened. She must’ve done something bad.

 

Rey sat up, eyes scanning the room she was in. “Um…” It was the same one she fell asleep in obviously, but she wasn’t sure exactly where. She mostly just wandered in zones for creators, just looking for somewhere quiet to relax when she found the break room. “Can I get back to you on that?”

 

“Rey, I just got asked where you were by a very stressed and disgruntled manager who has been searching the whole fucking building for you! You have a panel in three minutes!”

 

Her eyes widened, the weight of what she’d done finally settling in her brain. “Fuck! What the fuck? I set an alarm!” She moved the phone away from her ear and swiped through her apps until she found her alarm. Rey swore. “I fucking disabled the app this morning and forgot to turn it back on!”

 

“Get your ass over there now! I have to go because I’m now late for one of _my_ panels. You better thank me later you little—”

 

Rey hung up, already to the door when she realized her trainers somehow wound up on the floor. “Mother of god!” She checked her phone for the time. _14:00_. “Screw it.” She grabbed her trainers and ran out the door barefoot.

 

Rey barely knew where she was going, bobbing and weaving through groups of people. She tried to hide her face, but she’d gained a certain reputation here at VidCon where she was “That girl” who was a complete psycho but never _really_ broke any of the rules, so they didn’t have grounds to ban her.

 

It took about ten minutes to reach the hall she needed to go to after asking a very confused but understandable manager who didn’t even seem bothered by the shoes tucked under her arms. She’d probably seen some shit. _Room 210, Room 210._ She repeated the words back to herself in her head over and over. It was only the second day and she had completely fucked up her VidCon experience.

 

Rey arrived at Room 210 at 14:16 and was greeted by a woman who looked like she was about ready to throw a vase. “I’m so, so sorry!” she said, heaving slightly from the run it took to get there. She’d been chased by security at one point, probably thinking she was a demon fan trying to get a selfie from their favorite creator. “I-I fell asleep in a break room and I forgot to set my alarm and—”

 

The woman held up a hand, closing her eyes and pressing fingers to her temple. “Just get in there.” Her eyes set on the trainers in Rey’s hands and then moved to her feet. She just sighed. “And please put your shoes on.”

 

The room was packed when Rey walked in, and she evaded her eyes immediately. She really should’ve been expecting this. Even though this panel was for creators only, it seemed the majority of them decided on this one. She couldn’t blame them, honestly. Some of the biggest names on YouTube were herel.

 

Rey felt her face burning as every eye laid on her. She hated when things like this happened. Everyone was looking at her—a few cheered, most did nothing, but she could practically feel the annoyance seeping off everyone.

 

“Well, look who decided to join us,” the host said, gesturing to her. “Everyone, give it up for our complete panel, now thanks to Rey who is… a little bit more than fashionably late.”

 

The audience laughed, but Rey felt her throat tighten. She tried to laugh with them, but surely everyone could tell it was fake. She took the only empty seat at the table, her face burning. “S-Sorry, I, uh, fell asleep.”

 

The host smiled, and Rey had to lean awkwardly over another woman to see him. “Ah, yes, the age-old excuse. We were all wondering if you were filming another drunk video.” The audience laughed. Rey dug her fingernails into her jeans. She still hadn’t put her shoes on.

 

“No… not today.”

 

“Anyway,” the host said, looking down at his index cards, “in case the lovely Rey didn’t read the pamphlet, today’s discussion is about each of your rise to fame and advice to the creators here. We’re going back to Hux here and let him finish his thought. The question was…”

 

Rey tried to tune out the noise and focus her thoughts on not completely making a fool of herself, but she was pretty sure she’d already done that. It didn’t work for a while, so she pulled out her phone and turned the sound off, opening her messages.

 

**To Finn:**

_Finn, I know you’re in a panel rn and I’m sorry, but I’m sorta freaking out and i don’t know what to do???_

 

Rey tapped on her knee as she waited. After a minute or so, she remembered Finn never liked to use his phone on panels. Right when she was ready to give up and put her phone away, her screen lit up.

 

**From Finn:**

_are you okay? did you make it there?_

 

Rey breathed a small sigh of relief.

 

**To Finn:**

_Not really. I’m just really stressed and I’m so embarrassed. Everyone probably thinks I don’t care about this now._

 

**From Finn:**

_i’m sure they don’t_

 

**To Finn:**

_Idk but it sucks and I just wanna go back home and sleep. I’m so tired._

 

**From Finn:**

_i’m sorry :( just hang in there and try not to attract much attention_

 

Rey’s hands shook a little less when she looked up again toward the host, still gripping the phone in her hand. She liked how it made her feel a little closer to Finn and Rose and Poe, to everyone who mattered, but no matter how comforting it was, having it at a panel really was rude. Sighing, she turned her phone off but still left it on her knee and leaned down to slip one of her trainers on.

 

“Onto the next question,” the host said. Rey really wasn’t paying attention to him, her eyes fixed on her shoes, trying to conspicuously tie them one-handed without seeming obvious. “Do you believe a lot of professionalism went into your videos around the time you became popular or was it something you developed later?”

 

There were murmurs of agreement across the board, but Rey made no movement to answer, instead forcing herself to listen.

 

“To an extent, yes,” a voice said. She tensed.

 

 _Kylo Ren_.

 

“I gained my first million back in… 2011, I think, and that’s when my YouTube career definitely took off,” he said. Rey was glad he was at the very other side of the table or she was sure she would’ve been sick. “Professionalism wasn’t as present as much back then because I had less of an image to uphold—it was just me having fun.”

 

 _Fuck your stupidass professionalism and fuck your stupid C-grade nose job,_ she wanted to say, wrapping the laces around each other.

 

“Now it’s just like I have to watch what I say because my humor is different from, say, five years ago when I did say things I… definitely regret now. I still knew I had to be professional, but I didn’t exactly know how to be. It’s something you have to learn.”

 

Rey finished tying one shoe and grabbed the other. _Fucking Kylo Ren and his stupid face and stupid opinions, the overrated piece of—_ “Oof!” Rey’s hold on her foot gave out, and she fell forward, smacking her forehead on the table with a loud _thump_. “Motherfu—!” She forced herself not to finish the sentence when she felt everyone’s eyes on her. Her face flushed. “S-Sorry.”

 

To his credit, Kylo didn’t look at her in complete disgust, his face pulled only into the slightest scowl. “As I was saying… professionalism is something you have to earn.” He snapped his head toward her, blatantly sending a scathing glare. “Too bad _some_ people have yet to do it.”

 

And just like that, something snapped inside her.

 

The shakiness she’d been holding in the entire day came flooding back and before she could stop it, tears started streaming down her face. Rey could practically feel everyone’s eyes on her. It was embarrassing to be caught like this—Rey, who always had up some kind of façade, separating different parts of herself to make this perfect person. Her image was cracking and she hated it.

 

She realized her shoulders were shaking when she felt a hand on her back. “Hey, are you okay, darling?” It was the woman next to her. Rey wanted to swat her hand away but realized that it would probably be considered rude. She didn’t want to be any more humiliated than she was now.

 

Rey balled her hands into fists and wiped her face on her sleeve. “No. No, just…”

 

“Kylo, what the fuck did you say?” she heard someone say with an accent similar to hers.

 

He had the decency to look guilty. “I-I—”

 

Rey stood up, pushing out her chair. Her face was red and splotchy, eyes still wet with tears. Without another word, Rey grabbed her phone and walked out of Room 210.

 

* * *

 

**[YouTuber Rey of Light Breaks Down at a VidCon Panel FULL VIDEO]**

27,233 views

 

Comments · 609

Top Comments ˅

  
  
**Amira Coleman** [32 minutes ago]

this is so heartbreaking

_view all 12 replies˅_

 

 **diabloplease** [10 minutes ago]

This year is fucking wild at VidCon

 

 **Deedeebee** [8 minutes ago]

god she looks like she needs a break

 

 **Coram26** [26 minutes ago]

Can’t believe Rey started crying……….. Hope she’s ok

_view all 4 replies˅_

 

 **Sally Jones** [3 minutes ago]

CLICK HERE FOR HOT SINGLES IN YOUR AREA [ http://bit.ly/IqT6zt ](http://bit.ly/IqT6zt)

 

 **Amebo Death** [2 minutes ago]

Fuck off Sally

 

 **Secksy Becky** [13 minutes ago]

Lmao who the fuck cries at a panel it was just a fucking joke. Bitch needs to chill.

_view all 10 replies˅_

 

 **Maxericaforever** [5 minutes ago]

How could you say something like that? She was cleerly upset and it was rude of kylo to say that.

 

 **Secksy Becky** [2 minutes ago]

*Clearly you can’t spell lmao

 

 **Mia Delgado** [11 minutes ago]

What the frick!!! I’m soooo mad. How could Kylo say something like that?!?!?! VidCon needs to ban Kylo Ren!

_view all 8 replies˅_

 

 **Matthew Forney** [3 minutes ago]

it’s not kylo’s fault she’s a bitch lmao. must be her time of the month.

 **Kiara Hates Life** [1 minute ago]

bithc you did not just go there

 

“Hey, you do not need to be reading that.” Finn grabbed the phone out of her hands and slipped it into his back pocket. “We agreed you need to rest and get your head together.”

 

Rey sighed and slinked further into the couch. The entire day was just getting worse by the minute, and she wanted nothing more than to close her eyes and wake back up in her shitty flat in Peckham. She missed her pothead neighbor and her candles and that one ratty blanket with little doge memes on it that Finn got her for Christmas one year. It’d only been a few days, but she already wanted it back.

 

Finn set a hand on her forehead and sat down next to her, setting a bowl of popcorn he’d been carrying on the coffee table in front of them. “Are you sure you’re not sick? You’re a little warm.”

 

“I’m not sick,” Rey mumbled, her eyes closed. “I’m just… tired.”

 

“Then sleep. I’m not going anywhere. Rose will be here after she finishes her Q&A and Poe’s meeting with his manager then grabbing some food. If you want we can just stay in together. They’ll be okay with it.”

 

Rey crawled closer to him, resting her head on his lap and squeezed the stiff hotel sheets that covered her body. He ran a hand over her hair. “I have a Meet and Greet tonight, remember?”

 

Finn huffed. “I’m sorry. It ends at 7 o’clock, though, so you’ll have plenty of time to sleep.”

 

“I don’t want to sleep. I just want to not feel like I’m a total fuck-up.”

 

He didn’t speak, knowing it was better not to. He knew Rey long enough to know that sometimes she just needed someone to sit by her and keep her company while she dealt through her stuff, even if it was through a pixelated screen 3,000 miles away.

 

“Finn?” Rey asked, her voice muffled by her blanket.

 

“Hm?”

 

“You should try bathing sometime. It would suit you.”

 

“Hey!” He shoved Rey, not realizing she was on the edge. She hit the floor with a _clunk,_ effectively bumping the coffee table and spilling popcorn everywhere. “Oh, shit!”

 

Rey stood up and threw the blanket at him, smiling. “I’m going to bed. Please wake me at least 10 minutes before my Meet and Greet this time.”

 

Finn laughed, shaking his head as her door slammed shut and then turned back to the mess of popcorn on the floor. “The things I do for you, Rey.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> omg thank you so much for so many wonderful reviews!! i appreciate so much!!!
> 
> Follow me on Tumblr: https://rey-fucking-lo.tumblr.com/


	4. Communication Leads To Disaster

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> A conversation leads to... a little bit more

Rey’s Meet and Greet went better than expected. Despite her horrific day, she found herself  genuinely enjoying her fans, and their… completely wonderful screaming. She didn’t even mind the girl who left snot on her shirt from hugging her. It was a good break from the chaos of VidCon, even if she’d never remember 90% of their faces.

 

She made it back to her hotel room at 20:00 and was met with the unforgettable screaming of Poe Dameron. “I swear to fucking god, I am going to kick their ass to Jupiter!”

 

“Be careful, that’s probably an 11-year-old you’re talking to,” Finn said before meeting Rey’s eyes. “Hey! You’re back!” He jumped off the sofa and jogged up next to her. “How’d the Meet and Greet go?”

 

Rey shrugged and sat her purse on a table. “It was alright. Desperately need some hand sanitizer, but it could’ve gone worse.”

 

“Like the butt-grabbing incident of 2013?”

 

She wrinkled her nose. “We do not speak of that.” Finn shrugged and sat on the armrest of the overstuffed chair Rose had seemed to have taken a liking to, judging by the way she draped herself across it. Rey went and plopped down next to Poe, who had seemingly calmed down from his little outburst. “Are… you okay?” she asked, eyeing him up and down, noticing the Wii remote in his hand.

 

“Yep, all good. Just getting my ass kicked by a bunch of pre-teens at Mario Kart.”

 

Rose snorted, arm resting over Finn’s leg with her eyes still fixed on her phone. “Let’s be real, they’re probably a bunch of dudes in their mid-thirties with no career or any other physical significance.” She looked up at him. “Kinda like you, Poe.”

 

Finn choked on his laughter, and Poe chucked a pillow at him. He fell to the ground, wheezing. “Ouch, roasting me, are we?” Poe asked. “Might as well write a disstrack. Lose the little dignity you have left.”

 

Rose cracked a rare smile. “Uh-huh, I think  we  _ all _ know who in this room would be the first to write a disstrack.”

 

All their eyes turned to Rey. Her face flushed. “What?” They didn’t look away, and, after a few moments, she sighed. At this point, literally all of the internet knew she’d end up being the most likely person in the group to write a disstrack. And, honestly, if she did post one it’d get some very nice publicity. All it would cost would be her reputation. “I know, I know. Glad to see you all have no sympathy for me.” 

 

Poe draped an arm across her shoulders, seeming to know exactly what she was talking about.  _ The panel. _ “Don’t worry about it. We know you were stressed. We can forget all about it if you want to.”

 

Finn got up from the floor, returning to his seat on the armrest. “Yeah, Rey, it’s not a big deal. We’ll just turn it into one of those 2013 things.”

 

Rey shook her head. “No. There’s… something I want to do. Something I’ve wanted to do for a long time, actually.” When none of them replied, her face flushed slightly. “Um, well, there’s a video of the panel on the internet, and it’s gone pretty viral as of right now, and I got a lot of people at my Meet and Greet asking if I was okay, and I think maybe I should make a video about it.”

 

Finn;s eyes widened slightly. “Really? You’ve… never made one of those before. When I brought it up you said it ‘Didn’t fit in with your content.’”

 

Rey shrugged. She’d remembered Finn talking about it once or twice, suggesting the idea that maybe if the internet knew about some of her more personal problems it could be some kind of outlet for her, but Rey had insisted on keeping her channel the way it was. She never liked bothering people with her personal problems, but her subscribers were starting to worry about her, and there was a part of Rey that knew she owed them an explanation. “It’s okay. I want to do it now, actually. Would that be okay?”

 

Finn glanced at Poe, then at Rose, then back to her. “Whatever you want is fine with us. I’ll help you set up the camera.”   
  
Rey stood up and brushed her hair away from her face. “I’m not gonna need a camera for this one.”

 

* * *

VidCon was pretty much a disaster, that much Rey knew. It wasn’t even her own breakdown that was the problem, honestly, considering at least one YouTuber nearly got trampled by a crowd this year and another fell off a stage. It was just an all-in-all disaster, but it was a fairly decent one, at least.

 

Saturday, the last official day of VidCon, was one of both joy and sadness. There were always mixed emotions, but Rey felt more than relieved this year to be rid from it. She’d survived three panels, two Q&As, and one stage show.  _ Surely the worst would be over now, right? _ That’s what she thought every year.

 

The ending night party meant for exclusively for Featured Creators and those invited by the VidCon hosts was fun for a lot of people, but for Rey it just meant getting dressed up into an itchy over-priced dress that just ended up on the floor one way or another. It was exhausting and futile trying to mingle when all she wanted to do was crawl back into bed, and she guaranteed most of the others felt the same.

 

“You ready?” Finn asked when Rey opened her hotel door, Rose on his arm. 

 

“I guess,” she said, shrugging. “Can I just fake the flu so I didn’t have to mingle with some of these pretentious pigs?”

 

“Talking about me?” Poe appeared from behind her and took her hand. “You gonna be my date again this year?”

 

Rey laughed. “I think I’ll fly solo this year. Maybe try finding a nice boy to charm into your room.” She elbowed him in the ribs.

 

“Trust me, VidCon is not the event you want to hook up in. Everyone is tired and gross. Try Playlist Live or something where people let loose a little. Would recommend.”

 

“Noted.” 

 

They arrived at the elevator and Poe pressed the ground floor button when they entered. Rey shuffled around, tugging at her dress in places it dug uncomfortably into her skin. It was a knock-off designer brand she found at a department store two years ago that never saw the light of day, and it didn’t exactly fit, but it was the only clean thing from her closet she could wear after forgetting to pack something semi-formal for these parties.

 

“Finn will not be doing any of that,” Rose said, breaking the silence after a few moments. “Right?”

 

“Of course not. The only thing I’m doing this year is you.” Rose shoved the grin right off his face. “Never mind. I fully retract that statement.”

 

Rey shook her head, laughing. “I’m glad you guys are here. You aren’t gonna ditch me, though, right? Last year I ended up in a corner by myself until some 18-year-old kid decided I looked sad enough that I need to be chatted up. Do you  _ know _ how humiliating that was?”

 

Finn choked on his laughter. “Oh, that was amazing.”

 

“You know what? Screw all of you!” Rey flung up her hands. “If this weren’t VidCon’s last day and I wasn’t expected to be here, I would’ve been long gone. Leave me alone at the party, let me drink my troubles away. It’s all good.”

 

Finn rolled his eyes. “Uh-huh.”

 

The elevator door opened, and they all jogged—or stumbled toward the door, in Rey’s case—toward the side door where their taxi awaited.

 

“I’m serious. Might as well give me a bottle of vodka and let me roam the streets alone,” Rey said as they walked toward the taxi.

 

“That would most definitely end in your murder.”

 

“You forget I live in Peckham,” Rey said, opening the front taxi door. Peckham, literally the most dangerous neighborhood in the entirety of London. Rey thought about moving several times, but she had lived in that area since she was a child, and no one actually cared she had become “Internet famous.” Honestly, she doubted half the residents knew what that meant.

 

“Fair enough.”

 

* * *

The end of Vidcon party was just as awful as usual. The drinks were plenty, the food was lacking, and everyone looked like shit as per usual. This was YouTube culture and no one actually liked it.

 

Kylo sipped on his drink, a disgusting sugary beverage shoved into his hands by Phasma just minutes ago, eyes scanning the crowd. The DJ was less than acceptable for someone who was being paid several thousand dollars just to play some shitty remixes of equally shitty popular songs with three chords and subpar vocals. A few people were dancing, already drunk and tripping over themselves, but most were at least partially dignified.

 

He hated these parties with a passion and only went to them to appease his manager, who claimed he was an “anti-social robot, out-of-touch with the YouTube community,” whatever that meant. He wasn’t anti-social, he just didn’t like associating with a bunch of fucking idiots.

 

“Brooding again, Kylo?”

 

Kylo didn’t look at the owner of the voice and instead chose to down his drink in one gulp. “What do you want, Hux?”

 

He laughed and placed another drink in Kylo’s hand—wine this time, probably disgusting but much more his style. “You’ve been in a mood since the start of this godforsaken event. Something the matter, Mr. Ren?”

 

“I don’t know, Hux. Am I not my bright, perky usual self? Surprising. It’s almost as if I, I don’t know, don’t want to be here.” Kylo snorted and took a swig of wine. He was right. Absolutely horrid. 

 

“You’re so dramatic. Didn’t you have fun at your Meet and Greet? Those teenage girls sure do love you, I’ll admit that much. You have quite the audience now—almost 9 million subscribers. Surely you appreciate them. If not, let me know because I’d be happy to snatch them up.”

 

“Of course you would. You haven’t reached another million since 2014.”

 

Hux elbowed Kylo. He grunted in return. “Don’t mention that. It seems I have stale content. This is my year, though, I can sense it.”

 

“Right. Good luck with that.”

 

“Shut up. At least I’m not the one who’s losing a thousand subscribers by the day because I’m an insensitive fuck.”

 

Kylo took another sip of wine, wincing at both the flavor and Hux’s tasteless comment. “You are an insensitive fuck, you just know how to keep your mouth shut. And you also don’t have thousands of Tumblr stans crawling all over your content. There’s a reason you don’t get subs, Hux.”

 

Hux shrugged. “Whatever. But you might want to apologize to that girl. What is she, like 19?”

 

“24, dumbass. You know who she is.”

 

“I do?”

 

“Yes, you prick, she’s that YouTuber who hates my guts. She was like a huge meme in 2012 when she made that drunk video. Get online more.”

 

Hux took a drink from his own glass. Kylo couldn’t tell if it was water or vodka. “I’m drunk, okay, stop being mean to me.”

 

“Anyway,” Kylo said, “I do intend on apologizing to her, but I haven’t exactly worked out how to.”

 

Hux glanced at him and laughed. “Really? It’s an apology, not a death sentence. You just tell her you’re sorry.”

 

He rolled his eyes. “I’m not fucking stupid, Hux. I meant I don’t know in what form I should apologize.”

 

“Could always do a video.”

 

Kylo shook his head. “No, she’d see through that. And besides, it would seem like I’m looking for attention.”

 

“Well, technically you are looking for attention. You’re a YouTuber. It’s in the job description, you realize that, right?”

 

“Shut the fuck up.” Kylo slouched against the wall he stood by, taking small sips of his wine. He knew he could easily apologize to Rey right now, but he couldn’t bring himself to do it. Was it him being petty because she called him overrated 5 years ago? It’s not like he cared or anything, of course. It didn’t even affect his subscriber count that much. But it still stung when people said shit about him, even nobodies with 3,000 subs and a shitty mic.

 

“Hey, look.” Hux’s voice interrupted his thoughts. He stood straighter as Hux nodded to the left of his head. “It’s your girl.” Kylo whipped his head in the direction he referenced. It took a few moments, but his eyes finally settled on a figure that was most definitely Rey, sitting at a table alone whilst fiddling on her phone.

 

Kylo looked back at Hux. “She’s not  _ my _ girl, Hux. I don’t even know her.”

 

He shrugged and took a swig of his vodka-water. “Same, same. Go talk to her. Tell her you were a jackass on that panel from hell. Go and fuck. I don’t care.”

 

“I swear to fuck—”

 

Hux pushed him, cutting off his imminent string of curses. “Get your ass over there.”

 

Kylo sent a scathing glare over his shoulder but relented, trudging over to Rey’s table. He was honestly surprised she didn’t have her group of friends that always hung around with her, but he was glad. This conversation would be a lot more awkward if they were.

 

Her eyes were glued to her phone when he stepped up behind her. He debated for a moment what to do. Touching her would probably be creepy, and he wouldn’t put it beneath her to get him arrested for it. That would surely bring his subscriber count down.

 

No, he had to be smart about this. He had to get her to forgive him, if not for himself, then for the sake of his subscriber count.

 

“Fuck my life,” he heard her mumble. That was his opening.

 

Kylo moved next to her and pulled out a chair. She jumped slightly as he sat down. “Now why is that?”

 

Rey stared at him for a few moments, eyes narrowed. “Can I help you?” Her voice was deeper than usual, almost predator-like.

 

“Thank you for that extremely warm welcome. I do so enjoy being looked at like I’m a serial killer.”

 

She looked dumbfounded. “W-What? What do you want?”

 

He still had his disgusting wine, sipping it carefully. His palms were sweating still, and he hoped Rey didn’t mistake it for being nervous. He wasn’t nervous. He just felt awkward. It was a valid response to the situation. “What do I want? I would love—”

 

She cut him off. “Dignity?”   
  


Kylo rolled his eyes. “Very funny. So original. Not like I’ve heard worse in my YouTube comments literally every single day.”

 

“Shut up.”

 

“I haven’t shut up since 2006, sweetheart. What makes you think I’m doing it now?”

 

Rey stared at him for a moment before taking a sip of her drink. “I thought maybe you actually matured into someone… tolerable. Seems I was mistaken. You really are as clueless as ever, aren’t you? Unsurprising.”

 

Kylo wished he had Hux’s vodka, something to drown his annoyance in. He also wished he could smack Hux up his stupid head for making him come over there. “Very funny.” Maybe he was intolerable, but Rey was extremely immature.

 

“You still haven’t answered my question.”

 

“Straight to the point, I see.” He tapped his fingers on the table, eyes fixed on her drink. It looked like punch, but Rey definitely was a little tipsy, so it had to be spiked. Sober Rey wouldn’t have spoken more than 2 sentences to him before storming out. It’s how half their conversations ended, which were far few in between in the first place.

 

“And I’m getting impatient, so talk.”

 

He took a swig of his drink before speaking. “I wanted to talk to you about that…”

 

“Panel?” He met Rey’s eyes, and her face was flushed. He could practically feel the irritation seeping off of her. “What about it? Not finished completely humiliating me yet?” She smirked. “Or are you regretting the amount of subscribers leaving you on my behalf? Well, don’t come crawling back to me. I don’t want your apologies.” She didn’t give him time to respond before standing up and downing her drink in one gulp. “I’m leaving. If you really want to apologize, delete your channel.” She walked off.

 

Kylo’s face was red, and he hoped she didn’t notice. He hadn’t exactly expected her to take his apology in the best way, but he thought she might’ve at least heard him out before telling him to fuck off. “Hey, wait!” He jogged up to where she was headed, already halfway to the door. “That’s not what I wanted to talk to you about,” he lied.

 

Rey didn’t stop. She didn’t even meet his eyes. “Interesting. Is that why you’re blushing?”

 

He felt his face burning. “I’m not blushing.”   
  


“Right.”

 

“I-I—” Rey pushed past him, through the door. “At least let me take you to your hotel room,” he said.

 

Rey laughed as he followed her through the lobby. “What, is your game not strong enough that you can’t get a sad drunk girl into your bed?”

 

“Yeah, because I’m not a horrible person unlike what you seem to believe.”

 

She didn’t respond, instead focusing her attention on her phone. “I’m ordering an Uber. Are you coming or not?”

 

Kylo stared at her for a moment. “What?”

 

“Are you coming with me or not? To the hotel. You said you wanted to talk.”

 

“You’re… actually letting me talk to you?” Not five minutes ago she was more than a little hostile toward him.  _ What changed? _

 

She shut off her phone and glanced at him. “Yeah, because I’m not a horrible person unlike what you seem to believe.”

 

They were silent for several minutes. Kylo was sweating in the humid Anaheim air, cursing himself for wearing all black once again. Though, it’s not like he could just up and change, anyway. It was his branding, after all. His own fault.

 

“Are you going to stare off into space like an idiot or are you actually going to engage in this conversation you requested?” 

 

Kylo opened his mouth to answer but closed it when he felt a buzzing in his pants. He took out his phone to find that it was Hux. He sighed and accepted the call. “Yes?”

 

“Sorry to interrupt,” Hux said, his words the faintest bit slurred, “but I noticed you and the girl who hates your guts leaving together. Are you fucking or having a duel? Because either way I wanna come.”

 

Rey sent Kylo an odd glance when he cringed. “Hux, you’re drunk. We’re not…” He sighed. “Go drink some water and stop calling me.” He hung up the phone to find Rey with what he assumed was amusement on her face. “Something funny?”

 

“Armitage Hux, huh? I didn’t know you were fucking.”

 

His face flushed. “W-We’re not.”

 

“I know.”

 

Their car pulled up then, pulling Rey’s attention from his face, and he was thankful for that. The car she had ordered was cheaper than what he’d usually get, but he wasn’t sure whether she expected him to pay her half for the ride. Shaking his head, he followed Rey into the backseat of the car. He pressed himself as far away from her as he could.

 

Their driver wasn’t talkative, but he was fast and efficient. Kylo didn’t mind that. He was never much of a small talker—or a talker at all. It was strange that he somehow ended up as a YouTuber or found a way to succeed at it in the first place, yet here he was at VidCon in a car with another YouTuber who absolutely hates his guts.

 

Yeah, it was alright.

 

Their hotel was close by, and it was surprisingly empty when they pulled up to the front. Rey pulled out some cash to tip the driver before Kylo even got the chance to grab his wallet. She cursed under her breath. “I’ve only got British currency on me.”

 

Kylo took his wallet out and pulled out a few dollars. “I’ve got it.” He handed them to the driver and opened the car door. Rey slid out behind him. 

 

They walked in silence together into the hotel and headed toward the elevator. “What floor?” Rey asked, her hand hovering over the buttons. 

 

“Seven.”

 

She hit the button and then pressed herself against the wall as the elevator ascended. “So…”

 

“So,” Kylo said, crossing his arm, “I guess I should tell you why I’m bugging you.”   
  


“Still unconvinced you’re trying to fuck me.”

 

“Don’t flatter yourself. You’re not that attractive.”

 

Rey did a half-snort, half-laugh. “Yeah. Yeah, I’ve been told that.”

 

The elevator opened then, and both Rey and Kylo stepped out. She followed him toward his room.  _ 208, 209, 210. _ He stopped in front of his door and turned toward her. “Anyway, what I wanted to say was…” He trailed off.

 

“Yeah?”

 

_ Just say it, you fucking prideful fuck. _ “I’m… would…”  _ Fuck you, you goddamn loser. Just say something!  _ “Would you like to collab sometime?” he blurted without thinking.

 

She stopped and stared at him. “Would I what?”

 

Kylo turned away and fumbled in his pocket for a hotel room key. “Never mind.” After a moment, his fingers settled on his card, and he opened the door. 

 

The door was halfway closed when Rey stopped it with her hand. “Sure.”

 

He narrowed his eyes. “Really?”

 

“Sure. I don’t see why not.”

 

He held the door a little bit wider. “But you hate me.”

 

“Yeah, what else is new?”

 

They stared at each other silently for a few moments before Rey spoke again. “Kylo?”

 

“Yeah?”

 

“Give me your phone.”

 

“Why?”

 

“I’m giving you my number, dumbass.”

 

“Oh.”

 

He gave her his phone, and she dialed it in within a few seconds. He looked down at her contact when she gave it back. “Did you actually name yourself. ‘Sexy Brit’?”

 

“Shut the fuck up.”

 

“I still don’t like you.”

 

“Yeah, and you’re a pretentious snot-nosed pig. What else is new, Kyle?”

 

He narrowed his eyes. “Get out of my hotel room.”

 

“I’m not in your hotel room.”

 

“Go back to England.”

 

“How American of you.”

 

“You’re such a bitch.”

 

“It’s my branding. Now go and jerk off to your heart’s content. I’m going to sleep, and I better not see your sorry ass until next year.” She turned to leave, a slight smile on her face.

 

“And here I thought we had a moment.”

 

“In your dreams.”

 

Kylo closed the door after that and removed his coat. Talking to her had definitely been a mistake considering he hadn’t even apologized in the slightest, but at least he thought she hated him a bit less. And it’s not like either of them would ever get the chance to collab with each other, anyway.

 

But if it did somehow happen, he had a feeling it would be one hell of a video.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I finished writing this chapter literally 10 minutes ago thanks to........ a lot of rewrites. Thanks @no_more_hope for being a bitch and making me not be a dumbass and make this chapter better. Love you, hoe.
> 
> Follow my Tumblr: https://rey-fucking-lo.tumblr.com/
> 
> See you next Saturday!


	5. kyle_ron_roast.mp4

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Kylo gets crispy

VidCon was long over when Kylo found himself collapsed on the sofa in his apartment. He groaned as his phone buzzed constantly, updating from the notifications he missed on his flight. He kept checking for a text from Rey, but there was nothing. He hadn’t expected there to be.

 

Twitter was a complete mess when he opened it. The trending tags were stupid as always (a mixture of the Kardashians doing God-knows-what and whatever their dumbass president said that day), but he found himself scrolling through the #VidCon2017 hashtags, which seemed to be run by a bunch of fangirls begging for attention on their selfies. He liked a few of them anyway.

 

Kylo did tend to ask himself why he was even on social media if he hated it so much, but the truth was, he didn’t even hate it. He hated the expectations people put him under and how every single thing he liked was under scrutiny. No, that wasn’t nice at all, but he lived with it because he genuinely enjoy interacting with his fans.

 

At least the ones who weren’t overly thirsty.  


Adara @adaramay · 16m

No offense but i would personally die for @KyloRen

 

Jace Herondale @deppykiss · 12m

@KyloRen is a fucking savage. Also would bang but that’s… not important

 

Charcy Winterfell @Charcywinterfell· 9m

I didn’t even know @kyloren had a YT i was just thirst-following. He should post more selfies.

 

Fiorinini @whatisthis · 8m

@Kyloren is such a dad

 

DEBT @fuckmeeee · 4m

Yeah yeah fight all you want with your ship wars, but we all know @kyloren and @hux is the real otp here

 

Kylo almost fell off the couch. He wanted to, honestly. His fans were definitely amazing and supportive, but they did tend to get a little over-enthusiastic at times, especially when it came to their ship, which consisted of him and Hux—Kylux, was it called? It was something he had to deal with, but at least he got them to stop tagging him in porn.

 

Kylo closed his eyes and shut off his phone, only to feel it buzz beneath his hand. There was a text from Hux and about 70 other messages from various people he ignored for one reason or another.

 

He debated ignoring Hux’s text as well, but after a few moments, he relented.

 

**From Ginger Whore:**

_You’re a fucking dumbass_

 

**To Ginger Whore:**

_Yes, you’ve said._

 

**From Ginger Whore:**

_You’re losing subs every day and one sponsor has dropped you._

 

**To Ginger Whore:**

_So?_

 

**From Ginger Whore:**

_That’s bad. Get her to forgive you, you fucking prick._

Kylo groaned as a notification dinged on his phone. _Rey of Light has uploaded a video._ He hesitated clicking on it. He didn’t even watch her videos and could count on one hand how many he _had_ seen. Everytime he got a notification for a video of hers, it went ignored. (Which was hard considering her obsessed ass uploaded three times a week.)

 

Sighing, Kylo ignored the video but clicked on her account name instead. Maybe she actually was a decent content creator and not like every other trashy, popular YouTuber who got famous out of luck and following the trends. Maybe she didn’t actually hate him after all.

 

He selected her videos videos, and his eyes immediately caught one of the more recent ones, something entitled “What Really Happened at VidCon.” It was published the day after their panel. He could feel the embarrassment rising in his chest already. Despite his better judgment, he played the video.

 

It opened on a black screen. He waited for several seconds, expecting some kind of change, but there was nothing until…

 

“Hey, everyone, this is Rey.”  

 

It was her voice most definitely, posh and British, just like Hux. The sound was clear, but there was still only a black screen. He briefly wondered if all her videos were like that.

 

“I’ve become aware that a lot of you are worried about what happened at VidCon. If you don’t know what I’m talking about, well, basically someone said something at the wrong moment and I freaked out. That’s why I’m taping this video right now. If you’d like to see the video… I’ll put it in the description box for you.

 

“I just want to let you know this audio tape is completely unedited, which is why I probably sound like an idiot, but yeah, I’m here to tell you exactly what happened at VidCon.”

 

Kylo closed his eyes and laid the phone against his chest. Her voice was calming somehow. Most of the time she spoke to him it was filled with malice, but when it was just her and her audience, it was calm, inviting.

 

“I was diagnosed with panic disorder when I was 18. It causes me to have, like the name suggests, panic attacks in triggering situations. When that happens, I sort of break down and can’t function. The closest thing I can compare it to is a heart attack. You can’t breathe, you can’t think straight, your heart feels like it’s going to beat out of your chest. Everything hurts, and even though it only lasts for a few minutes, it stays with you all day. All you want to do afterwards is lie in bed and sleep it off.

 

“The day didn’t have a really great start in general. I was anxious and tired, and I ended up falling asleep in a break room because of that which was the reason I was late to the panel. The comments said at that panel did upset me—I won’t deny that—but in any other normal situation I would’ve stayed quiet about it and maybe shaded on Twitter as one does. You don’t need to go attacking certain people for me like I’ve been saying on Twitter. I’m an adult, and my actions are my responsibility. I just didn’t want any of you to worry for whatever reason.

 

“Remember to take care of yourself, whoever’s watching this. My next video will hopefully be posted next week after I get back from VidCon. I’ve got a hopefully exciting vlog for you. This is where I usually say my outro and insert links, but I’m gonna leave it. Have a good day.”

 

The video shut off a Kylo stared at the screen. He didn’t know what to think. Before then he hadn’t _really_ regretted his comments because it was all true. (Still is, actually.) But he _did_ feel bad for hurting her. He wasn’t a complete monster, despite what her fans seemed to believe.  


**[What Really Happened at VidCon]**

585,000 views

 

Comments · 5,467

Top Comments ˅

 

 **Phanthony** [1 day ago]

We love you, Rey!~

_view all 216 replies˅_

 

 **Trisha M** [5 minutes ago]

YES

 

 **LESLIE222226** [3 minutes ago]

^^^^

 

 **Delia Smithhh** [10 hours ago]

I am so proud of her. She’s such a brave woman for coming out about this. She could’ve just ignored it and let it blow over, but she decided to be honest and not let us worry too much. <3

_view all 187 replies˅_

 

 **barry b. benson** [10 minutes ago]

Ikr i love her so much

 

 **Kiara** [4 minutes ago]

rey is such a pure soul. I hope she’s doing well now

 

 **Fanta Anna** [5 hours ago]

I’m so fucking PISSED at Kylo. He’s a grownass man of 29, but he acts like a child and insults a fellow YouTuber at a professional panel. Yeah, he and Rey don’t like each other but really? Whatever happened to common human decency? Kylo acts all high and mighty, like he’s some YouTube legend, and sure, he might be to some extent, but that doesn’t give him a free card to be an asshole. Just five years ago, Rey was a no one, but look at her now! She’s worked to hard to get where she is. It’s not just because of some silly video that everyone seems to want to throw back into her face! She’s a strong, independent woman who obviously doesn’t take shit from anyone. And yeah, maybe she has panic attacks, but that doesn’t mean she’s weak and has to be coddled now. That just means she has to be treated like a fucking person, for God’s sake. We shouldn’t change our behavior just because she told us this, and if you do then you definitely had the wrong behavior in the first place. And as for Kylo Ren, he needs to grow the fuck up and stop being a baby just because Rey heard his fragile little feelings. Show less

_view all 114 replies˅_

 

 **Yena** [2 hours ago]

 **+Fanta Anna** I 100% agree. Kylo and Rey are both adults. I’m not a huge fan of either of them, but I happened to watch that panel and was hoping for an explanation about Rey because she seemed upset. I’ve seen a few of both of their videos and heard about some of their discourse on Tumblr, but hearing it now sounds unfortunate. Rey and Kylo are both adults, and they can both deal with shit themselves.We don’t need to get involved with their personal business. I’ve seen far too many YouTubers who constantly indirect and shade on Twitter. The sheer amount of disstracks in this industry is both sad and concerning. Show less

 

 **Ilis Dakota Ketam** [2 hours ago]

 **+Fanta Anna** I wholeheartedly agree. I’m honestly concerned for the younger generation getting into YouTube, and the material they’re subjected to. Sure, it’s not porn, but it can easily be just as psychologically damaging. The constant insults and the inability for conflict resolution among these YouTubers who are 20+ is definitely a cause for concern, especially since a lot of them do attract a younger audience. Many even choose to profit off them by selling merchandise with hate slogans on them. YouTube’s turning into a very toxic environment. Rey and Kylo don’t seem to be bad people at first glance (correct me if I’m wrong) so I’m hoping they figure things out. Show less

 

 **Corbin** [1 hour ago]

 **+Fanta Anna** Honestly this whole conversation seems irrelevant. Kylo didn’t do anything wrong. Just because  some little British snowflake who thinks she has a “mental illness” just because she’s caught up with the dumb shits that call themselves SJWs. Everonye panics sometimes, she’s not special. She should try growing some balls and not running out of the room like a pussy.

 

 **Ophelia Donohue** [1 hour ago]

 **+Corbin** I really really hope you’re a troll, you fucking rude piece of shit. 1) Kylo did do something wrong. He suggested Rey was unprofessional in front of a panel full of aspiring creators, which was very disrespectful in general, not to mention voiding his whole point about how he’s learned to manage his professionalism. 2) “Mental illness” is a thing. I’m not even going to argue about this because I’m not a medical professional. Go read a fucking book. 3) Literally stop calling people who call you out on your bullshit SJWs. Those aren’t even SJWs, those are called “Decent” people. 4) Panic disorder is a very real thing and no one gives a rat’s ass about your fucking opinion about it because obviously you’re not a medical professional of any kind. 5) Literally go fuck yourself, you sad piece of month-old garbage. Show less

 

Kylo shut off his phone and wiped his eyes blearily. He realized some people were absolute pieces of shit, but he didn’t realize they’d come onto videos like this and try to defend _him_. He was a grown man. He didn’t need defending, especially not from some creepy guy who probably still lives in his mother’s basement. It was moments like these he hated YouTube the most.

 

Sighing, he turned on his phone again and scrolled down slightly. He meant to scroll back up, but something in the comments caught his eyes.

 **Troye Foyetr** [10 mintues ago]

Lmao y’all Rey us not to troll Kylo Ren, but she sure did herself.

_view all 98 replies˅_

 

 **Diana Berry** [9 minutes ago]

IM YELLING

 

 **Fiorina Mairna** [9 minutes ago]

I’m confused, what?

 

 **Millie F.** [3 minutes ago]

Rey published a new video and i just,,,,,,,,,  here: [ http://bit.ly/IqT6zt ](http://bit.ly/IqT6zt)

 

Kylo clicked on the link, knowing very well that he probably shouldn’t have considering how many scammers there are on YouTube now, but he decided not to think about it too much as the page loaded. Luckily, it did pull up YouTube, and for once, it wasn’t a rick-roll. Instead, it was something much worse.

 

It was a video entitled “kyle_ron_roast.mp4”.

 

It ] started out with a black screen but slowly faded into a fire crackling in a metal trashcan. As the seconds clicked on, a figure dressed completely in black approached the fire. Right before they got to it, they pulled down their cloak, revealing none other than Rey. In her hand she was holding one of the worse pictures of him ever taken—a candid photo of him in his character Matt’s wig, wearing no pants and holding an oboe between his legs. He was going to kill Hux for not making sure every shred of that picture was gone.

 

Wordlessly, she touched a corner of the photo to a flame, and it slowly ate it up. Right when the fire was about to touch her skin, she dropped the photo into the trashcan, letting the flames burn it until it was mere ash.

 

The screen faded to black, and Kylo stared at it, speechless. This was the same Rey he had watched just a few minutes ago, the one who didn’t want to name names and took responsibility for her actions?

 

He scrolled down to the comments and found one particularly interesting pinned comment:

  


**Rey of Light** [13 minutes ago]  _Pinned Comment_

Hey everyone, it's your unprofessional immature fuckup here, sick and tired of everyone’s shit. In all honesty, this was a joke because that last video was kinda depressing. Anyway, enjoy!

_view all 496 replies˅_

 

 **Morgo Porgo** [5 minutes ago]

OMG

 

 **Phanoutatthedollhouse** [4 minutes ago]

She’s such a savage im cry

 

 **Better than u** [1 minute ago]

I just,,,,, rey ur my hero. Also fuck kyle ron.

 

Kylo closed his eyes and let out a sigh before returning to the comments. Most of them were about how she had “roasted him” apparently, but a good few were also in his defense. Maybe if it weren’t him having his worst photo exploited and burned on the internet he’d think it was funny.

 

His phone dinged, and Kylo felt like throwing it across the room.

 

**From Ginger Whore:**

_You should look at Rey’s channel. Quite the content there, Kylo, especially her newest release._

 

**To Ginger Whore:**

_Too late. I’ve already seen._

 

**From Ginger Whore:**

_Ah good. I suppose you hate her again?_

 

**To Ginger Whore:**

_You realize I never stopped, right?_

 

**From Ginger Whore:**

_Fair enough._

 

Kylo exited Hux’s message and scrolled through his contacts. Ever since he first got a cell phone back in 2004, he had some sort of obsession with naming his contacts the most ridiculous things he could think of. But he found Rey’s name exactly where it was supposed to be.

 

**To Rey:**

_Why did you set me on fire_

 

The reply wasn’t instantaneous, and he sat for nearly three minutes before his phone dinged again.

 

**From Rey:**

_new phone who dis_

 

**To Rey**

_Very funny_

 

**From Rey:**

_no i actually don’t know who you are_

 

**To Rey:**

_It’s Kylo. The one’s whose face you burned in a fire._

 

**From Rey:**

_to be fair that picture deserved to be burned. i did you a favor._

 

**To Rey:**

_You got me there_

_But really_

_Why did you burn my face_

 

**From Rey:**

_it was a spur of the moment decision_

 

**To Rey:**

_What a decision_

_Ruining my reputation one video at a time_

 

**From Rey:**

_was it any good_

 

**To Rey:**

_Truly the best_

 

**From Rey:**

_was there a particular reason you’re texting me kylo_

_besides to compliment my stellar video skills_

 

Kylo hesitated for a moment. Why _exactly_ did he text her in the first place? He couldn’t remember.

 

**To Rey:**

_Uh_

_When do you wanna collab?_

 

**From Rey:**

_that’s what you wanted to talk about?_

_lmao i thought you were joking about that_

 

His face flushed. Collabing wasn’t necessarily the thing he sought after that night, but he definitely couldn’t deny the viewership benefits of having her in a video. Her fanbase almost unanimously hated him, and he was losing subscribers every day. If he got to her to do a simple video with him, then his numbers could grow exponentially. But he definitely wasn’t going to beg her for one if she actually didn’t want to do it.

 

**To Rey:**

_Interesting_

_I thought the fact you demanded my phone and put your number in would have tipped off something_

_But you know_

 

**From Rey:**

_first of all_

_you sound desperate_

_second of all_

_we could work something out_

 

**To Rey:**

_I’m not desperate actually, but if you don’t want to collab whatever_

 

**From Rey:**

_oh shut up you prick_

_yes i want to collab, but i’m not paying £1,000 for a ticket to wherever the hell you live with your swanky mansion in cali_

 

**To Rey:**

_I live in neither a swanky mansion nor California, thank you._

_I do live in an apartment in NYC  though_

 

**From Rey:**

_fair enough but i’m still not paying._

 

**To Rey:**

_Fine I’ll pay for your flight._

 

**From Rey:**

_wow you really are desperate then. Shameful. my videos hit your income so hard?_

 

**To Rey:**

_Actually no if it did I wouldn’t paying for your ticket_

 

**From Rey:**

_Bitch_

 

**To Rey:**

_Same_

 

Kylo sat back on his sofa, smiling the faintest bit. He had gotten Rey to come. All he needed to do now was to figure out how to get back on top of the YouTube game. Kylo looked opened his messages again, but instead of going to text, he typed in Hux’s number.

 

“Hux, I need help.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry about how late this is! I had some major writer's block and a super busy week. I'll do my best to get another chapter up Saturday!
> 
> Follow my Tumblr: https://rey-fucking-lo.tumblr.com


	6. hey buddy you in London?

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The plot thickens.
> 
> Actually it doesn't.

Kylo turned out to be the whiniest baby she’d ever talked to. Then again, she never really talked to a lot of babies in the first place, but she definitely knew they couldn’t be _this_ whiny. It was almost endearing when he complained about her. He was the worst double-texter (More like quadruple texter, honestly) but always capitalized his sentences, which bugged the hell out of her, but it was somewhat easy to have a conversation with him. Even if they did insult each other at least once every 5 messages.

 

Rey still wasn’t sure how she felt about him. He sure was an arrogant twat still, but he wasn’t all bad. There was a part of her that was still weary about him, though. Not all YouTubers were friendly, and there was a good few she got beef with in the past few years. Her fanbase wasn’t oblivious to it, and it wasn’t like she was the… pinnacle of subtlety when it came to those she hated, but Rey liked to think she did have a shred of decency left.

 

And to be fair, she actually hated YouTube feuds. She could understand them when they were justified, but the name-dropping, the disstracks, the callouts? It all seemed to be getting a little ridiculous. Rey was glad her beef with Kylo seemed to be calming down, but the rest of the internet didn’t exactly see it that way.

 

* * *

 

Rey Of Light Forum - Main Thread

Page 35/36/37/38/ **39**

 

**LenoraDubz**

Posts: 374

Joined: Tues Jul 12, 2016 5:16pm

Pronouns: They/Them

Location: Brazil

Mon Jun 26, 2017 7:54pm

Are we still talking about this Kylo/Rey feud? I almost feel like it’s old news, but I keep seeing people bring it up all the time, so I was curious about it. People on Tumblr seem to be outraged about this still, but I haven’t seen anything super in depth about it. Maybe all of you can give some more insight, especially with that _very_ interesting video Rey posted earlier today.  


**Lightreys**

Posts: 953

Joined: Sat Apr 26, 2014 3:23am

Pronouns: She/Her

Location: UK

Mon Jun 26, 2017 8:13pm

 **_LenoraDubz: “_ ** _Are we still talking about this Kylo/Rey feud? I almost feel like it’s old news, but I keep seeing people bring it up all the time, so I was curious about it. People on Tumblr seem to be outraged about this still, but I haven’t seen anything super in depth about it. Maybe all of you can give some more insight, especially with that very interesting video Rey posted earlier today._ **_”_ **

We’re definitely still talking about it. I just watched Rey’s newest vid and I’m not sure whether I want to laugh or analyse every bit of it. (Not that there’s much to analyse. It was quite short.) You all know from my posts that I’ve been worried about Rey for quite a while (Still am actually) but it seems like she’s doing fine despite her recent panic attack at VidCon last week. I, personally, am glad that she’s defending herself. YouTubers like Kylo Ren have been snobbish about opinionated female creators like her for a long time.  


**KalelMePlease**

Posts: 214

Joined: Thurs Sept 01, 2016 2:37pm

Pronouns: She/Her

Location: USA

Mon Jun 26, 2017 8:22pm

Are we actually still calling this a feminist statement? What Rey is doing is not feminist??? I’m legitimately curious what y’all are on. This “feud” seems like childish games if you ask me, and I think we need to stop glorifying it and calling it feminism when it’s just a woman and a man mocking each other and acting like children. Pls chill.

 

**Trust.Me.Hardly**

Posts: 460

Joined: Sun Jul 24, 2016

Pronouns: She/Her

Location: France

Mon Jun 26, 2017 8:26pm

 **_KalelMePlease: “_ ** _Are we actually still calling this a feminist statement? What Rey is doing is not feminist??? I’m legitimately curious what y’all are on. This “feud” seems like childish games if you ask me, and I think we need to stop glorifying it and calling it feminism when it’s just a woman and a man mocking each other and acting like children. Pls chill._ **_”_ **

I agree with you partly. I wouldn’t say this a feminist statement because Kylo has never suggested he is a misogynist (Besides associating with a few shady YouTubers here and there) and has even spoken out about feminism and such. But I do believe this is Rey speaking out and saying she won’t hide behind vague mentions and take his shit anymore. It could be her trying to start shit with Kylo or it could be her ending. We don’t know, so I don’t think we should assume the status of their feud.  


**ValentineKylo [Admin]**

Posts: 1046

Joined: Thurs Mar 21, 2013 12:07am

Pronouns: They/Them

Location: Canada

Mon Jun 26, 2017 8:37pm

You all definitely have some points that I agree with.

 **_Lightreys: “_ ** _YouTubers like Kylo Ren have been snobbish about opinionated female creators like her for a long time._ **_”_ **

I’m going to have to disagree with you there. Like **Trust.Me.Hardly** said we have no proof that Kylo Ren is a misogynist. He’s not what I would call an activist, but he has spoken about feminism, LGBT+ rights, racism, among other things. I absolutely hate when people make him seem like a horrible person just because he and Rey have some beef from 2012 that they never got over. As you can see, Kylo is my babe and I would die for him.

As for my opinion on the feud, I’d assume it’s ongoing, if not getting worse. I’m still not sure if the newest video is a joke. (Though honestly, how did Rey find that picture? I’ve been watching Kylo since 2008 how did I not see it??)

 

**JuniRose**

Posts: 167

Joined: Fri May 19, 2017 8:43

Pronouns: She/her

Location: Mexico

Mon Jun 26, 2017 8:37pm

Ok y’all this is great and all but can we talk about [ this ](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=dQw4w9WgXcQ) vlog from my other fave youtuber. At 21:35 to 21:49 there is a bit of footage of Kylo and Rey leaving the VidCon party together!!!!???? I wanna scream what could it mean?????

 

**Winnnifred**

Posts: 579

Joined: Sun Nov 15, 2015 5:31pm

Pronouns: She/Her

Location: USA

Mon Jun 26, 2017 8:45pm

 **JuniRose:** **_“_ ** _Ok y’all this is great and all but can we talk about_ [ _this_ ](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=dQw4w9WgXcQ) _vlog from my other fave youtuber. At 21:35 to 21:49 there is a bit of footage of Kylo and Rey leaving the VidCon party together!!!!???? I wanna scream what could it mean?????_ **_”_ **

Really? They could just, you know, be leaving together? And talking? Like normal people? Just because they happen to walking side-by-side doesn’t mean it’s whatever garbage you’re talking about. And yeah, I’ve seen your “Reylo” tag on Tumblr and it’s gross. They don’t like each other, Jesus Christ. Stop being an abuse apologist.

 

**ValentineKylo [Admin]**

Posts: 1046

Joined: Thurs Mar 21, 2013 12:07am

Pronouns: They/Them

Location: Canada

Mon Jun 26, 2017 8:52pm

 **Winnnifred:** **_“_ ** _Really? They could just, you know, be leaving together? And talking? Like normal people? Just because they happen to walking side-by-side doesn’t mean it’s whatever garbage you’re talking about. And yeah, I’ve seen your “Reylo” tag on Tumblr and it’s gross. They don’t like each other, Jesus Christ. Stop being an abuse apologist._ **_”_ **

Whoa, whoa, let’s slow down. 1) Yes, please keep off discussing a Rey/Kylo romantic relationship off this particular thread. This thread is for talking about Rey and her videos. You can go onto the Kylo/Rey thread on here to talk about that, but there isn’t a lot on there for them romantically. 2) Please be respectful to all users and read the community guidelines before commenting things like that to make sure they’re respectful. Remember, you can disagree with people’s points without making a spectacle.

 

**Winnnifred**

Posts: 579

Joined: Sun Nov 15, 2015 5:31pm

Pronouns: She/Her

Location: USA

Mon Jun 26, 2017 8:59pm

Whatever

 

* * *

 

“So you’re actually going to collab with him?” Finn said, his face in at most 480p. She really needed to get a better laptop because her friends were too attractive for that kind of screen quality.

 

Rey shrugged and popped another Malteser into her mouth. She smiled when Finn winced. He absolutely hated the sweet, saying it was just a jumble of chewy garbage trying too hard. “I mean, I said I would if he paid for my flight. I don’t actually see that happening considering we’re two very busy people.”

 

“Rey, before VidCon you had left your flat three time in the last month.”

 

“Shut up, you don’t know that.”

 

“You literally told me.”

 

Rey threw a Malteser at the screen and laughed when Finn threw a sunflower seed back at her in retaliation. “Okay, whatever. And yes, if Kylo flies me across the ocean, then I’ll do it, but like I said, I highly doubt that will be happening. He seems like a lazy asshole like me.”

 

Finn snorted. “Fine, but if it does somehow happen, let me know if you want me to come with you. To keep him hin check and stuff.”

 

“Thanks for the offer, but I think I’ll be fine. Despite my malice for him, I don’t think he’d be stupid enough to lay a finger on me. Besides, I’ve heard he’s a somewhat decent guy.”

 

“Well, I’d hope so. You used to stan him so hard. Remember your Tumblr blog?”

 

Rey’s eyed widen. She liked to keep that memory far, far away from the surface. “Never speak of that again. That was a mistake I made as like a 15-year-old.”

 

“I’m not judging. I still followed you, after all, but just happy you switched blogs when you started as a YouTuber or you’d never be able to live down your Kylo Ren fangirl obsession. Did you ever delete the blog?”

 

“No, but I should.” Rey pulled up Chrome and attempted to log into that ancient Tumblr, but after a few minutes of incorrect password attempts, she just gave up and clicked away the tab. “Hopefully no fan’s found it. They’re already pestering me to open my Likes and that is definitely _not_ happening.”

 

“Hiding your porn in there?”

 

“Obviously.” Rey laughed, shaking her head as she returned from Tumblr to their video chat. “So are you flying up for Summer In The City in August? We never really talked about it during VidCon.”

 

Finn shrugged. “I’ll definitely try to, but it’s all up in the air. Trying to finance right and everything, you know? Hotels are fucking expensive as hell.”

 

“You and Rose could always just stay with me. I’ve got an extra bedroom and a pull-out couch. I wouldn’t suggest the couch though because it’s been here for 10 years and god knows what’s happened to it.”

 

“Rey, girl, I love you and everything, but you know I hate your apartment. It’s probably haunted.”

 

Rey glanced around at her surroundings for a moment. Sure, things creaked and everything, and maybe the possibility of a murder being committed there was high considering the area and the fact that her landlord was shady as fuck, but Finn was always a bit dramatic. “It’s not that bad. You’re just jealous I have my very own collection of ceiling cracks and rats.”

 

“Not to mention your neighbor is the most suspicious dude I’ve ever met.”

 

“He’s a drug dealer. Of course he’s suspicious. Let him live.”

 

Finn rolled his eyes. “You are going to get arrested, and I’m not bailing you out. But that’s beside the point. No, I’ll pass on that invitation, but thank you. Oh yeah, hey, did you know Kylo was coming over for Summer In The City?”

 

“So?”

 

“Why not just collab then? You could get your extra 2 million views and not have him pay money and then turn around to his viewers and say you owe him money.”

 

“I doubt he’d do that.”

 

“Still. It’s better to eliminate the risk. And you could also eliminate the risk of a foreign country—”

 

“It’s the America. You live there,”

 

“—and avoid the fucking horror that is US Immigration.”

 

Rey sighed. “Okay, okay, fine. You win. I’ll ask Kylo about it. But if he does agree, you have to come.”

 

“I’ll see.”

 

* * *

 

**To Kylo:**

_hey are u coming to summer in the city_

 

**From Kylo:**

_Yes_

_Why_

 

**To Kylo:**

_i live in london_

 

**From Kylo:**

_Yes_

_And_

 

**To Kylo:**

_we could collab while you’re here in london_

 

**From Kylo:**

_Why_

_Do you not want me to pay 1500 dollars for a ticket to the US_

 

**To Kylo:**

_i mean no that’s kinda ridiculous and i’m not cruel_

 

**From Kylo:**

_Surprising_

 

**To Kylo:**

_shut up do u want to or not_

 

**From Kylo:**

_If that’s what you want then fine_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> this chapter is so baaad but i'm almost a week late so it'll do. It's a bit of a filler for the next chapter, which will be a lot more eventful, I promise. Thanks for so much support on this story! 
> 
> Also (Sorry to be that person) but I have a new story I published last week called Anonymous Complications, so check that out if you want to!
> 
> I have a new Tumblr url: https://reyloday.tumblr.com/


	7. Vibing Hoes And Muffin Bros

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Summer In The City gets a little not safe for work.

July was filled with humidity and nothing particularly interesting. Rey had hoped it’d be over as  soon as it began. By the time August started, she was extremely ready to go to Summer In The City and stay in her flat until it finally cooled down.

 

Finn hadn’t been able to make it to SITC due to several business meetings he _happened_ to schedule during that week. Rey wanted to call bullshit, but she refrained. She knew Finn didn’t like flying that much and only did when he really had to, which was why Rey did most of the travelling when it came to seeing each other. That November she’d even be going to LA for a month to spend Thanksgiving and Pre-Christmas with them, despite the fact that LA was the worst place to spend the holiday season. If not for the distance and lack of snow, then for the extremely high prices and awful traffic.

 

On the day of Summer In The City, Rey woke up at 9am to make her commute across town in a shady Uber that smelled very much like she’d imagine pot would. She was surprised by the amount of fans already lined up near the doors, who all shouted (much louder than Rey assumed was appropriate for the hour) to see her. Despite her exhaustion, Rey smiled and greeted every fan she could before she had to meet up in the convention center.

 

Every year Summer In The City got bigger, and with that Rey felt it was like watching a child grow. She’d been at the first ever one so many years ago in some park, and now the fact that it was some big thing with tens of thousands of people was insane to imagine. Just went to show how large the YouTube community had grown throughout the past years.

 

“Rey!”

 

Rey assumed it was just another fan asking for an autograph, but the face she was met with was surprisingly one she recognized. “Jessika?”

 

“Yeah! I’m surprised you recognized me. We haven’t spoken in like a million years.” Jessika smiled and gestured for Rey to walk with her into the convention center. “Is Finn coming?”

 

“No, he’s stuck in LA, unfortunately. So is Rose. Poe’s on vacation. Good for him, unfortunate for everyone else.”

 

Jessika laughed. “Truly. I heard you were coming here, so I was hoping to catch up with you, actually. I was scheduled to come over from Canada to Anaheim for Vidcon in June, but I caught a nasty case of pneumonia. My doctor forced me on bedrest, and I’m not cruel enough to kill anyone by travelling on a plane in that state, so I opted to stay home. Too bad because I was hoping to see all of you. Maybe I can come down to LA to see everyone soon.”

 

“Totally! I’m coming over in November, so you should too, and we can have an epic collab with all of us.”

 

“That would be an absolute disaster, but I’m intrigued. I’ll definitely consider it.” Jessika’s phone buzzed in her hand, and she glanced at it. “Oh, sorry, it’s my manager. I gotta take this. I’ll see you later, yeah?”

 

Rey nodded. “See you later, Jess.”

 

Rey smiled as she walked off. Jessika Pava was a newer YouTuber, having only started a few years ago, but she’d gained a lot of popularity as a beauty blogger very quickly. She and Rey had met last year at Playlist Live and exchanged numbers, but their paths didn’t cross a lot, and they both were very busy, so they hadn’t gotten the opportunity to collab.

 

To be fair, Rey didn’t really get a lot of time to collab with anyone. She really only stuck with her small friend group which consisted of Finn, Rose, and Poe. She’d have no problem with that if they didn’t live 5,000 miles away.

 

As she walked, Rey’s phone pinged again.

 

**From Kylo:**

_Guess what_

 

**To Kylo:**

_ur stranded on a desert island and these are your last words to me_

 

**From Kylo:**

_As much as I’d like that to be true_

_No_

_Actually it’s something much less spectacular._

 

**To Kylo:**

_figured as much_

 

**From Kylo:**

_I just left the airport_

_Currently in a taxi headed toward the convention center_

_Are you excited to see me?_

 

**To Kylo:**

_do you always have to send three texts at once for something that could be one full sentence_

 

**From Kylo:**

_Do you always have to use lowercase letters_

_I feel like they autocorrect and you just do that to bug me_

 

**To Kylo:**

_it’s an aesthetic kylo you wouldn’t understand_

 

**From Kylo:**

_Are you saying i’m not a vibing hoe?_

 

**To Kylo:**

_i’m actually blocking you_

 

* * *

 

Summer In The City was a lot more chill of an event compared to VidCon. Whereas VidCon was very business-like and packed full of events, SITC was calmer and easier to navigate. You could tell everyone was genuinely there to have a good time, no matter which YouTuber they were there for.

 

Due to the smaller venue, that meant Rey had more time to interact with her fans, which was something she always loved doing. Rey’s Meet and Greet was scheduled for early in the morning and lasted for about two hours. She could’ve done something a lot smaller with only one full or half hour, but she liked to spend as much time with her fans as she reasonably could, especially her London fans.

 

The first girl in line for the Meet and Greet couldn’t have been more than 15 and wore some merch Rey had designed and just put up in her store a few weeks ago. She was nearly in tears when she got to Rey and fumbled over her words as she made an attempt to speak. The first fans were always really flustered, more so than most, and Rey tried her best to make them calm down.

 

“I’m Rey. How are you?” she asked, smiling as the girl gaped at her.

 

“I’m… I’m good! Yeah, I’m just… really tired. I’ve been up since 5am just to get in line for this.”

 

“Wow, really? I’ve been awake for only three hours, and I’m about ready to head to bed again. But I’m glad you’re here! What’s your name, love?”

 

The girl flushed. “Fiona.”

 

“Alright, Fiona, would you like me to sign something, take a selfie?”

 

Fiona hesitated for a moment. “Uh, could you sign my shirt? I just bought it. And yes, of course I’d like a selfie.” Rey grabbed the Sharpie from her pocket and signed the back of Fiona’s shirt as she dug for her phone in her purse. Once Fiona had it out, Rey took it from her and positioned them for a selfie.

 

After saying their brief farewell, another girl came up. The process was repeated over and over again until Rey’s feet felt like they’d fall off. The amount of hugs she’d given and received (from teenage girls and somewhat creepy men alike) had to be somewhere in the record books, and she was sure this one girl who had gotten very emotional left snot on the sleeve of her shirt.

 

After Rey’s Meet and Greet, she was meant to have a small break and spend the rest of the day on the show floor to promote merch and interact more with fans. Out of all the booths in the convention center, hers was definitely one of the busiest. Even if she wasn’t technically supposed to sign anything or take selfies with fans who hadn’t gotten tickets for the Meet and Greet, Rey did anyway. Security could bite her ass.

 

Among the busy tables was none other than Kylo Ren, who was positioned just a few stands away from her. Rey forced herself not to look his way, just in case she caught his eye. She didn’t need any more fans capturing pictures of them looking at each other. They’d have enough of that with the horrible collab they’d be filming tomorrow, that’s for sure.

 

* * *

 

Like VidCon, Summer In The City lasted for several days with different things to do each day. Unlike VidCon, though, SITC had a very special event on Sunday—the last day of the event. It was called the Summer In The City Awards.

 

The SITC Awards had only been going on for two years now. Last year Rey had been nominated for Best Song, but she hadn’t expected to win that particular award considering it had been a very… demonic parody of Bohemian Rhapsody she’d been nominated for instead of, you know, one of her decently normal songs. This year, though, Rey was nominated for the Community Spirit Award, which was someone who showed “admirable enthusiasm for YouTubers and the YouTube community”. She didn’t expect to win that either considering she fucking _hates_ both YouTube and most of the YouTube community itself. But hey, the world was full of surprises.

 

The upside to the night was that, despite the fact Rey was expected to wear a dress, they really did have excellent catering, which Rey definitely appreciated as she stood backstage. Stuffing her face with little cubed cheese, she tried to shake off the feeling of dread that built up in her stomach. She hated things like this. It wasn’t like it was televised, but there would be videos posted later about it, and with her luck it’d be of her dress malfunctioning.

 

“You doing alright there?”

 

Rey choked on her cheese and shot a glare toward the owner of the voice. “Did I ask?”

 

Kylo Ren, dressed elegantly in a designer jacket and a Rolex probably worth more than an entire month of her rent, stood there, a smirk on his face. “No, but I like to know that my fellow YouTuber family is not going to die due to excessive cheese intake.”

 

“First of all, never say ‘YouTuber family’ again. I think I just may have had a stroke.”

 

“Fair enough.” He reached around her and took a piece of broccoli from the tray. He popped it in his mouth, chewing thoughtfully. “You know, I’ve been wondering why they’re having me present an award. I’m not even British.”

 

Rey wanted to laugh. “You’re presenting an award.” _Of course he is. Everyone loves him._

 

He glanced at her. “Yeah. It was some dumb Spirit Award, I think. Probably a bunch of kiddie YouTubers who make toy videos.” And again, Rey felt nothing more than the urge to push Kylo Ren off the stage.

 

“And me,” she said.

 

The words hung in the air for several moments before Kylo finally picked up on what she meant. “Oh… well, yeah.”

 

Rey scoffed. “Have you ever heard of thinking before you speak? You should really use it some time. It would benefit you.”

 

Kylo opened his mouth to speak, but he cut himself off when Rey grabbed another handful of cheese and stomped off without another word.

 

Most of the rest of the awards went on fairly decently. When they were ready for the guests to enter on their mini red carpet, Rey tried to maintain as low of a profile as possible. It was hard to focus on any conversation she had with fans screaming into her ear, and she was absolutely sure her £20 dress she found at a department store would tear at any moment. Rey was grateful when they finally allowed her to be sat in her seat near the side of the stage, and the hysteria started to calm down.

 

The awards wasn’t a long show, unlike every other award show televised. There were no commercials or fun acts, besides the usual technical difficulties that tended to be funnier than the jokes that the presenters tried to make. It was easy fun for the participants who stood for hours in line beforehand.

 

The first award was Book of the Year, awarded to some popular YouTuber who Rey doubted could pass a secondary education course, let alone write a book. Time passed quickly, going through award after award and speech after speech until finally Kylo Ren came up onto the stage. There were cheers from the audience, and Rey could vaguely see some poor girl sobbing in the front.

 

Kylo waited a few moments for the crowd to quiet down before speaking. “Hello, everyone, hope you’re having a good day.” There were a few ‘woops’ from the crowd, and Kylo smiled just a bit. “Honestly, I’m not sure why I’m presenting this award considering I’m neither British nor have spirit, but I’m not what you came here for. The nominations for this award are…”

 

As he read off the names, Rey’s heart sped up just a little bit faster. Even if the award didn’t fit her personality or brand at all, she really did want to win something that showed she succeeded on the YouTube front. Something to show off at house parties and online like every other YouTuber could do.

 

Rey’s eyes shot up as Kylo finished reading off the nominations. “And now, for the moment we’ve been waiting for so I can finally leave this convention, the winner of the Community Spirit Award is…” He took out the envelope, and Rey swore she saw a frown form on his face. “Rey of Light.”

 

Rey choked for the second time that day. _I actually won an award?_ She jumped to her feet then, smiling as she walked onto the stage. Cheers barely deafened the sound of her heart pounding in her ears.

 

Someone brought Kylo the award, but Rey didn’t even care that the man she loathed the most was presenting to her. As she neared him, Rey could sense his nervousness but didn’t stop from leaning into him.

 

“Don’t pull a Kanye on me now.”

 

“Don’t flatter yourself,” he shot back. “Taylor Swift could own your ass within a second.”

 

Rey took the trophy-like object (Honestly, what even was it?) and grabbed the microphone Kylo offered her. “Wow, this is… actually very unexpected. I’m surprised I was nominated for this award or any award, actually, but thank you so much to all who voted for me. I know recently I’ve been called out for my lack of professionalism, but I don’t know if the person who said that actually understands what professionalism is so like…” Rey trailed off, unsure of how to finish her thought, so she opted to use the only words of sign language she was proficient at:

 

“Suck my dick, Kylo.”

 

A teenage girl in the audience started losing it, and everyone around stared at her, unsure of what Rey just said. Kylo stared at her, confused before a woman ran up to him and whispered something in his ear. His eyes widened. Rey ran off the stage before anyone else could react and grabbed a handful of cheese as she walked out from backstage.

 

* * *

 

**From Kylo:**

_Rey_

_Where are you?_

Rey didn’t reply and shoved a handful of popcorn in her mouth.

**From Kylo:**

_You aren’t like dead or anything, right?_

_I’m not mad about the dick thing if that’s what you’re worried about_

_Wait, are you mad at me_

_To be honest why wouldn’t you be mad at me_

_Ha it’s okay I hate myself too_

 

**To Kylo:**

_It was “Suck my cock” not “Suck my dick”_

 

**From Kylo:**

_Oh, good_

_You’re back to normal_

 

**To Kylo:**

_and you’re still the worst double-texter i’ve ever met in my entire life_

 

**From Kylo:**

_Touché_

_What are you doing_

 

**To Kylo:**

_nothing u are the bane of my existence_

 

**From Kylo:**

_Very funny_

 

**To Kylo:**

_i’m hilarious_

_no but actually nothing. what are you doing? wanking to mcr?_

 

**From Kylo:**

_First of all, I would never defile MCR in such a way_

_Second of all, I was wondering if you would meet me somewhere_

 

**To Kylo:**

_where? right now?_

 

**From Kylo:**

_Yeah_

_There’s a few things I’d like to talk about_

_For the collab, I mean_

 

**To Kylo:**

_um sure? there’s a Starbucks by your hotel right?_

 

**From Kylo:**

_Yes how did you know?_

_Stalker_

 

**To Kylo:**

_there is literally a Starbucks on every street corner kylo come on_

 

**From Kylo:**

_Okay fine whatever_

_Starbucks near the airport in an hour?_

 

**To Kylo:**

_fine you needy hoe_

 

* * *

 

It was much less humid at night. Rey noticed it as she walked, thankful that she could finally go outside without sweat pouring down her back. The Uber had dropped her off about a block further from Starbucks than she needed as per Rey’s request. She needed a few minutes to clear her head before she got coffee with a man she insulted publicly just a few hours ago.

 

Going out at 10 o’clock at night for a caffeinated beverage with a strange man who doesn’t really like her was not Rey’s smartest idea, but neither was saying “Suck my cock, Kylo” in front of about 500 people. It really just wasn’t Rey’s day.

 

Rey sighed in relief when she opened the door to Starbucks. Her legs were starting to ache from her small walk down the road, and she was glad she could take solace in a muffin and a coffee that would keep her up much longer than reasonable.

 

She spotted Kylo sitting in the very back, sunglasses pushed up onto his head and two cups of coffee set in front of him. Rey snorted as she approached. “Only assholes wear sunglasses like that. And also, it’s night. You look like you’re waiting me to bring you a briefcase full of 5 million pounds.”

 

He rolled his eyes as she sat down. “I would not object to that, but I doubt you’re dumb enough to carry around more than 500 in this area. Though I’m not sure you’re smart enough to earn 5 mil either.”

 

“Wow, Kylo, that’s the nicest thing you’ve ever said to me.”

 

“What a surprise.” He pushed one of the two coffee cups he had in front of him toward her. “Here. I didn’t know what you liked, so…”

 

Rey narrowed her eyes and tapped on the cup. “It’s not poisoned is it?”

 

“Unless the barista did it, no. Tea’s poison as it is.”

 

 _Tea?_ Rey almost laughed. “You ordered me tea?”

 

Kylo shrugged. “I don’t know. You’re British. What was I supposed to get you, coffee?”

 

“Yes!”

 

“I said I didn’t know what to get you.”

 

She shook her head. “Such stereotypes. Never mind. I’ll just drink yours.” She reached over and grabbed his cup before he could react, sipping it. “Wait, is that pumpkin spice? That isn’t even in season.”

 

Kylo snatched his cup back and glared at her. “Did I ask?”

 

“You did when you ordered me tea. I hate tea.”

 

“The more you know. You’re a fake Brit, by the way. The entirety of England would be ashamed of you.”

 

“This is harassment.”

 

“I didn’t ask to be judged about my beverage choices. Even more so harassment.”

 

“That wasn’t English, and pumpkin spice is the worst invention known to mankind."

 

"I hate you,” he mumbled.

 

"Aw, we have something in common!"

 

Kylo shook his head. “Okay, Okay, that isn’t what I wanted to talk to you about. I thought maybe we could discuss the contents of the video for tomorrow.”

 

Rey tapped her fingers against the cup of tea sat in front of her. “Is that it? Couldn’t that wait until tomorrow?”

 

“Well, I just wanted to know if you were okay with my video idea.” He scratched the back of his neck, not meeting her eyes. “It’s, uh, Never Have I Ever.”

 

 _Never Have I Ever? That game 10-year-olds play as an ice-breaker?_ “Sounds good in theory, but have you thought of livening it up a bit?”

 

“What do you mean?”

 

“Well, there are a lot of other Never Have I Ever videos out there, so you want to be creative about how you approach it, you know? Make it something different. As for my video, it’s a secret that you’ll just have to wait to find out about.”

 

Kylo stared at her silently before taking another drink of his coffee. “Hm, okay. It isn’t something that’s going to get me killed, is it?”

 

“No, if I wanted to do that you’d be dead already. It won’t be that bad, I promise.”

 

“Good.”

 

There was an awkward silence, and Rey counted ten seconds before she spoke up again. “So, uh, how long are you in London?”

 

A hint of a smile came across his lips before fading back to nonexistence. “Three more days. I was hoping to stay longer since this is my first time in London, but my Business Visa is only good through the end of SITC.”

 

Rey nodded. “Well, have fun during the absolute worst time to come. Try not to get mugged more than twice.”

 

“Very funny.”

 

“Don’t tell me I spent £25 on an Uber just for some inauthentic, low quality tea and a video idea. At least be a gentleman and buy me a muffin.”

 

He stared at her for a few moments before shaking his head and getting up and heading toward the counter where a bored barista waited. While he was away, Rey took another drink of his coffee, wincing at the sweetness. Before that moment, she’d imagined he’d be the kind of guy who liked his coffee black, but sometimes looks could be deceiving.

 

They talked for about 30 minutes more before agreeing that it was best to get going before the poor Starbucks barista fell asleep at the counter. Rey held her 2nd muffin (that she somehow convinced him to pay for) as Kylo walked next to her, arms folded across his chest. They were silent. Rey didn’t know what to say, honestly. It was the first situation she’d been in where he was more than a bit bearable.

 

“Up here’s the hotel,” he said, one hand in his pocket and the other holding his disgusting coffee. “We’re close to the airport, so I can order you an Uber and it should be here pretty soon.”

 

Rey glanced at him. “You don’t have to pay for my Uber. Those things can get crazy expensive.”

 

“Which is why I’m paying for it. I’m the one who asked you to meet me, so it’s not fair for you to pay the trip both ways.” She opened her mouth to object, but he already had his phone out, which was enough to silence her. “Where did you say you lived? Pecking?”

 

Rey snorted. “Peckham, you bloody American.”

 

“Wow, maybe you aren’t a fake Brit, after all.”

 

“Sod off.”

 

Kylo ordered her Uber as they arrived in front of the hotel, and they waited silently, Rey rocking back and forth on her heels. “Thanks,” she said quietly.

 

“For what?”

 

“Being a decent human being.” When he didn’t reply, she added, “And for paying for my muffins. They were quite good.”

 

Kylo shook his head. “You definitely should sleep.”

 

“This is your fault. If it weren’t for you, I could be asleep right now, but no. You had to feed me coffee.”

 

“Feed you? You stole it from me. I’m surprised you even wanted to drink after me. I could have Ebola for all you know.”

 

He didn’t try and dispute the fact. “Good thing you haven’t slept with anyone since university or else I’d actually be concerned by that.”

 

“Touché.”

 

Rey’s Uber pulled up then, a fancier car than she expected. It had to be double what she’d usually pay. “Did you really order from the most expensive Uber you could think of?”

 

Kylo rolled his eyes and opened the passenger door for her. “You’re welcome. Enjoy your ride. What time should I come tomorrow?”

 

Rey slid into the passenger seat and pulled out her phone. “Whenever you want. I’m free all day. I’ll text you the address later.”

 

“Bye, Rey.”

 

“See you.”

 

Kylo closed the door, and Rey slouched against her seat. She had to admit, Kylo was definitely an annoying prick, but he was… a lot more tolerable than she imagined he’d be. Now that just had to last through the next day.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey, look! I'm actually on time!
> 
> This chapter turned out a lot better than expected. Thanks to no_more_hope for being a hoe, creepily watching me write, and giving me some dialogue to use. I hope y'all are enjoying, and thank you for such positive comments! The next chapter should be posted next weekend, and chapter 3 of Anonymous Complications should be posted on Tuesday or Wednesday. Thanks for reading!
> 
> Follow my Tumblr: https://reyloday.tumblr.com/


	8. Ice Ice Baby

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Things get chilly during Rey and Kylo's collab.

Rey woke up at ten in the morning to about 40 messages,  39 of being from the same person. The person who was due to be at her flat sometime during the day.

  
  


**From Kylo:**

_ It’s 4am and I haven’t slept _

_ I’m not sure whether it’s the jetlag or the coffee but i think i just hallucinated myself in a waffle house _

_ I just realized you’re probably not awake like a normal person _

_ My hands are literally shaking _

_ I’m blaming this on you _

_ Okay it’s 7:30 now and i didn’t end up falling asleep until 6 but you know this is fine _

_ I’m mentally combusting the fuck _

_ Ok youre still asleep _

_ I should probably stop texting you _

_ Can i come over _

_ I know it’s like 8 but i’m desperate _

_ Ok you’re still asleep but i’m coming over and sitting on your doorstep _

_ I’m in an Uber right now and it suddenly occurred to me i have no idea where you live _

_ This could be problematic _

_ Why didn’t you tell me Peckham is so ugly _

_ Ok nvm that’s rude _

_ But still _

_ I just saw dick graffiti on the side of a daycare _

_ I’m trying really hard not to insult your……………. town but i’m not sure what to say _

_ Wait what the fuck do you mean you don’t have waffles houses in England _

_ Where else am I supposed to dissociate? _

_ Nvm I found an Asda _

_ I’ll just crawl into their furniture section and sleep until a concerned mother reports me to security _

_ I’m probably going to jail today just so you know _

_ Rip our collab _

_ Ok I just got kicked out of Asda _

_ I was right a concerned mother asked for security and they kicked me out _

_ I’m now sitting on a curb and people are staring at me _

_ I’ve seen at least three people doing some shady business near this bus stop _

_ How do you live here _

_ It’s almost 9:30 are you awake yet _

_ I’m going to assume you’re asleep because you have your read receipts on _

_ I know that since you always leave me on read for at least two hours before you reply half the time _

_ Please wake up it’s hot _

_ You’re the worst did you know that _

_ This is the longest string of messages I’ve ever sent _

_ Ok well i’m going to die on the street while you get your beauty sleep _

_ I’m going to complain to twitter about this bye _

  
  


Rey let out a deep sigh before slumping back into her pillows. Her vision still slightly bleary, she sent just one message to him:

  
  


**To Kylo:**

_ what’s a waffle house _

  
  


She didn’t have to wait long before her phone lit up again, but it wasn’t a text like she was expecting. Instead, she was surprised by her disgusting ringtone. Sighing, she answered the phone. “Hello?”

 

“Fucking hell, you’re alive.”

 

“No shit, Sherlock. And so are you. Enjoying Peckham?”

 

She heard Kylo groan into the phone. “This place is… scary. Why do you live here? You’re like the ninth biggest YouTuber on the site. Surely the London housing market isn’t that bad.”

 

“Actually, I’m the sixth biggest. Get your facts right.” Rey sat up and stretched out her shoulders. “And Peckham isn’t that bad. It’s quaint, unlike wherever you live, I’m sure.”

 

“I live in a place that doesn’t resemble a—”

 

“Hey, it’s either at my place or your hotel room, and I don’t want any of the neighboring rooms thinking something else is happening there.”

 

“Won’t your actual neighbors think that too?”

 

“My neighbors have seen enough weird shit from me to know that that’s not happening.”

 

“Okay, fine just text me your address, and I’ll be there quickly.” He paused. “Very, very quickly.”

 

Rey sighed. “Fine, but I’m hanging up. Try not to get murdered.”

 

“Fine.”

 

She hung up immediately and returned to their texts. She typed out her address to him quickly before jumping up. Despite not being in her flat much the last few days, it was a bit less than reasonably messy. Not to mention the fact that she was meant to be on camera that day and her hair looked disgusting.

 

Rey opted for a shower first, the ultimate procrastination tool. Afterward, she threw on a shirt from her closet and questionably jeans from her floor before clearing her living room of any week-old dishes perched on top of her fireplace. In reality, it wasn’t  _ that _ dirty, but Kylo was definitely a snob, and she didn’t need him critiquing yet another thing.

 

Rey was scrubbing at a pot of what used to be holding homemade crispy cakes when her doorbell rang. She glanced at the pot, remembering how good the cakes she made with it was until the marshmallow caramelized and stuck, and tossed it into the garbage bin as she jogged to the door. Instead of opening it right away, she stood for a few moments just to fuck with him.

 

“I literally want to die.” Kylo was already pushing past her and setting down a bag on her kitchen counter.

 

“Don’t be so dramatic,” Rey said, closing the door. “It’s no Upper West Side, but it’s perfectly fine for everyday living.” 

 

“I wasn’t talking about where you live, though that’s atrocious as well. I was talking about the price of your alcohol. It’s like double where I get mine back in New York.” He opened his bag and took out one bottle of vodka, one box of low grade wine, and a pack of beer.

 

“Literally, why?”

 

“It’s for the video.”

 

Rey rolled her eyes. “Yeah, I got that part. Don’t tell me you’re making me do a drunk Never Have I Ever video.”

 

He popped open a can of beer and drank it, rubbing his temple. “I’ve had a day, Rey, and it’s only 10:36. Please just leave me be.”

 

“To be fair, I wasn’t actually expecting you to come until after noon.”

 

He shrugged. “Neither was I, but I didn’t realize caffeine would affect me that badly. But we don’t have to talk about that.” He took another sip of his beer and set it on the counter. “Considering the content of my video, I have a feeling we should do yours first, whatever it is. I’m still sort of nervous about it.”

 

“Don’t. I’ve put a lot of thought into it. Do you want to start now or later?”

 

“Now.”

 

* * *

 

Setting up took a lot longer than Rey expected. They couldn’t agree on a place, but Kylo eventually relented to film in Rey’s bedroom. Even though Rey offered the idea, she wasn’t exactly sure how she felt about him in there. Or how her viewers would react, considering half of them wanted her to stab him.

 

“Okay, the camera’s ready,” she said sitting down next to him. “Are  _ you  _ ready?”

 

“Are you not going to tell me what the hell this video is?”

 

“Not until it starts. It’s very original, trust me.” She pulled out her phone from her back pocket and opened her docs, scrolling through until she found the correct one. She looked over at Kylo. “You sure you’re ready?”

 

He rolled his eyes. “Just hit record already, Jesus.”

 

“Fine, chill out. And get out of my shot.” She shoved him off her bed, and he landed with a hard  _ thud _ . 

 

“Was that really necessary?”

 

“Entirely.” Rey reached over the camera and hit the record button. “Hello, lovelies! It’s been a while since my last upload, so to make up for it I thought I’d make a… very special video with a not-so-special guest.” She glanced over at Kylo, who glared at her from the floor. “For the first time on this channel, please welcome, Kylo Ren.”

 

Kylo stood up and reassumed his position next to her on her bed. He raised a hand awkwardly toward the camera. “Hello.”

 

Rey rolled her eyes. “Such enthusiasm.”

 

“Always.”

 

“Anyway,” she said, elbowing him in the ribs, “unless you’re new to this channel or have been… living under a rock since 2012, you know that Kylo and I do not like each other.”

 

He snorted. “Really? You’re introducing the video with that.”

 

“It’s my video, fuck off.” Rey returned her attention to the camera. “So Kylo and I don’t like each other, and we haven’t really tried to hide that fact. And no, before you ask we’re not a couple.”

 

“I’d rather die.”

 

“Thanks. Ditto. Also, stop interrupting me or that death wish may just come true.”

 

He held up his hands in defense. “Chill, fine.”

 

“We legitimately don’t like each other, but instead of letting that hate fester, I had the brilliant idea of turning that into something beneficial. So, dear audience, let me introduce you to the ‘Enemies to Friends Tag.’”

 

Kylo made a noise that resembled a choke. “Is that what we’re doing? You’re kidding, right?”

 

“No! I spent a long time working on this.” She stared deadpan into the camera. “And by ‘a long time’ I mean I threw it together last night because I totally forgot I needed to put something together for this video.”

 

“So that’s why you didn’t tell me?”

 

“Yes, plus the fact that I like annoying you.”

 

“See, this is why we can’t be friends. Or live less than 3,000 miles away from each other. If we lived any closer we’d find a way to kill each other.”

 

“Well, it’s good you hate my city, and it’s a good thing New York City is fucking awful too, huh?” Rey returned her attention to the camera. They would definitely have to edit about half of this video off or else it’d just be them insulting each other the entire time. Though, she wasn’t sure if her audience would enjoy that or the video she had planned more. “Anyway, this’ll be sort of like the Best Friend Tag or the Newlywed Tag, except we aren’t best friends or newlyweds.”

 

Kylo leaned over her and winked at the camera. “Or maybe we are.”

 

Rey lightly shoved him off her. “We definitely aren’t. Now, I have here on my dearest cellpho—”

 

“Android sucks.” The words were masked by a fake cough, but Rey could hear the words clearly. She shot him a glare.

 

“—a document filled with 10 questions that we have to answer for each other.”

 

Kylo snorted. “This is going to be an absolute disaster, you realize that, right? This is the worst idea we’ve ever had.”

 

“Yeah, but you know the views on these videos are gonna through the roof.”

 

“Fair enough.”

 

Rey turned back to the camera. “Alright, so for each question, one of us is going to read it, and we’re going to answer for each other, so that means if I ask what my name is, you’d say…”

 

“Dumbass.”

 

She rolled her eyes. “Whatever. I’m not explaining the rules again, so pay attention. With every question you get correct, you get a point. The person with the most points at the end of the game wins.” Rey turns to him. “Are you ready to lose?”

 

“Not happening. I am definitely beating you.”

 

“We shall see.” Rey looked at her phone to read off the first question. “Okay, so Kylo, when and how did we first meet?”

 

He groaned. “You’re starting off with that one?” When Rey didn’t reply, he sighed. “We were at a VidCon party back in like 2013, I offered you a drink, not knowing who you were, and you were like ‘I’m underage, fuckwad.’”

 

Rey laughed. “Yep, that’s about it. And your eyes went wide and you sorta just walked off.”

 

“Little did you know I was offering you apple cider.”

 

“You were not.”

 

“I was!”

 

“Anyway,” she said, looking down at her phone, “one point for you. Your turn.” She handed her phone over to him, and he sighed.

 

“Jesus Christ, that’s a lot of questions.”

 

“Just pick one.”

 

“Okay, uh…” He scrolled through the questions for a few seconds, then stopped on one randomly. “Do I have any nicknames?”

 

She didn’t really need to think, but she did it just for show. “Kylo’s a nickname, right? Your real name is something you’d imagine a basic white boy having.” 

 

Kylo rolled his eyes. “That’s right.”

 

“I don’t think you even mentioned why you changed your name. Any particular reason?” It was one of the biggest mysteries surrounding him. There were still debates about it’d she’d see in comment sections occasionally. Some said it was just a screenname and that he was called his real name by his close friends and family, but that was debunked because none of his friends called him that. Another theory was that “Kylo Ren” was just a persona, and the real man behind the camera was someone very different. No one could ever prove it though.

 

He shrugged. “It was my AOL username back in the late 90s, and I never left it. It just stuck.”

 

That was always his answer when asked that, but she decided not to pry. “Nice, one point for me.” She took back her phone and searched for another question. “Okay, um, this one’s sorta funny. If I were to wear any t-shirt in my closet, which would it be? Also could be phrased as ‘What’s my favorite shirt?’”

 

“Are you serious?” When Rey nodded, Kylo closed his eyes and sighed. “Alright, what’s a t-shirt you wear all the time?” he said to himself. He tapped on his chin for a few moments before standing up and walking to her closet.

 

“What are you doing?”

 

“Finding your shirt?” He opened her closet door.

 

“You can’t just go through my things!”

 

“It’s for the sake of the game. It’s not like I watch your videos and make a note saying ‘Wow! What a nice shirt she has!’”

 

As much as Rey wanted to jump up and stop him, she relented and stared at the camera like she was on The Office. After a few minutes of Kylo rummaging through her things, he told her to close her eyes. Rey did as he asked, only wishing for it to be over. Finally, his footsteps stopped in front of her and he said “Open your eyes.”

 

Rey regretted doing it immediately. Kylo held a hanger containing a shirt she had bought as a joke at a street vendor in LA. It was a simple red shirt with the Coke font, but instead of actually saying “Coke” it said “Enjoy Cock” in white lettering.

 

“This one. Definitely your favorite.”

 

Rey could feel her face burning as she snatched it right out of his hands. “I knew I should’ve burned that shirt. It’s literally the worse thing I’ve ever bought.”

 

“No, I saw several items in your living room that was seven times worse.”

 

“No point for you.”

 

“It was worth it.”

 

“Okay, next question!” Rey said, ignoring him.

 

Kylo took the phone, closed his eyes, and scrolled through the questions. He nearly laughed when he opened his eyes. “Jesus Christ. So Rey,” he began, returning his eyes to her, “what do I wear to bed?”

 

It took a moment for Rey to process the question, but when she did she snatched her phone back and stared at it. “What the hell is this list?”

 

“Answer the question.”

 

She rolled her eyes before contemplating for a moment. It wasn’t as if she ever thought about what Kylo of all people wore to bed, and it wasn’t something she ever thought she’d need to know. Shaking her head, she turned to the camera. “Any Kylo stans out there should be thanking me right now because this is some God-tier fanservice.” She held up her hands. “Okay, okay, so if I had to guess, I’d go with boxers and shirt.”

 

“Close but wrong.”

 

“Really?”

 

“Yes, actually. I sleep in boxers. Pajamas are terribly constricting.”

 

Rey sighed. “I’m going to need some of that shitty wine you brought before this video ends. This might be worse than The Last Airbender movie.”

 

“That is like the most legitimately insulting thing you’ve ever said to me.” 

 

Rey grabbed her phone and scrolled through the questions, ignoring him. Though, if she was being fair, it was true. “Okay, question five. We’re nearly done—”

 

“Praise God.”

 

She rolled her eyes. “Have I ever been in a spelling bee?”

 

His answer was instant. “Fuck no.”

 

“Why would you say that? I could very well be a great speller!”

 

“That’s such a lie. You can’t even capitalize your sentences in text.”

 

“I do that because I feel like it, not because I’m bad at spelling. And for your information, I have been in a spelling bee. I placed 3rd and still have the ribbon.”

 

“Is it that atrocious thing in your living room?”

 

“No, that was for swimming in 2004.”

 

“Okay, next question.”

 

Their first collab went better than either of them expected. By the time they got to the tenth question, it’d been nearly two hours since they had begun. Conversation came easily yet awkwardly, and Rey had a feeling it’d be the perfect mix for their audience. If they ever finished. They definitely had the tendency to get mildly distracted, but that was definitely mostly Kylo’s fault. 

 

Rey took a sip of her wine and sat it on her bedside table. She’d gotten it when she’d been forced to answer a question about Kylo’s grooming habits, and she hadn’t regretted doing so. At least she’d get a head start on drunk Never Have I Ever. “Alright, Kylo, it’s the last question. Choose wisely. Or randomly. I don’t actually care. Just choose.”

 

As time went on, she noticed he rolled his eyes less. “Okay, fine.” He took her phone and scrolled through with his eyes closed like he always does. He visibly swallowed after he read the question. “And the question is… is there a profession I picture my future spouse doing?”

 

Rey stared at him for a moment. She wasn’t sure why she actually bothered trying considering the entire game was a joke, but she found herself actually thinking about it. Kylo had had several girlfriends (and apparently Hux according to some screaming fangirls) throughout his YouTube career, but none of them lasted more than a year as far as she knew.

 

Rey knew first hand how hard it was to be in a relationship and have a career where your life is so public at the same time. She’d tried it herself with multiple guys, but they never understood how important YouTube was to her. It was so tough navigating that kind of life that Rey really just preferred to stay out of it.

 

“Difficult question” she said after a few moments, trying to steer her thoughts back toward the present conversation. “If I had to guess, I’d say someone close to the same profession as you. You know, someone who understands how hard YouTube or filming is in general.”

 

He furrowed his eyebrows. “Like a YouTuber?”

 

Rey shrugged. “I guess. Could be someone in the film industry too.”

 

Kylo stared at her for a moment longer before turning his attention back to the camera. “Well, I guess that was the last question.”

 

“Wait, you have to tell me if I got it right,” she said.

 

Kylo almost smiled. “Yeah. You’re right.”

 

Rey  _ did _ smile. “Yes! That means I win!”

 

“I’m still disputing the cock shirt one, but yes, I’ll accept the rest of your claims. What’s my punishment?”

 

Rey rose an eyebrow. “You’re actually accepting your loss?”

 

“I mean, I’m not looking forward to it, but I’m an honest person. Guess I’ll just have to accept that you’re more obsessed with me than I am with you.”

 

Rey glared at him. He had no idea how true that was a few years ago. “Okay, I didn’t actually think of anything, but there’s this website randomizer that has punishments for people who break the rules during Truth or Dare. I assume it would work just as well with this game.” She fiddled with her phone for a moment and then handed it to Kylo when the website was pulled up. “All you have to do is hit the ‘Spin’ button, and it will give you your punishment.”

 

“Is this going to be one of those kinky adult spinners?”

 

“Just spin the damn thing.”

 

He relented with a groan, tapping the spin button and waiting. His eyes widened when it stopped. “Jesus Christ, this is a throwback.” He held up Rey’s phone for the camera. “It’s official. My punishment is The Cinnamon Challenge.”

 

Rey’s eyes widened. “Dude, you can’t do that. That’s dangerous.”

 

“No it’s not, come on.”

 

“Yes, it is, and I’m not going to be responsible for your death.”

 

“I crave death.”

 

Rey rolled her eyes and snatched her phone back. “Okay, dumbass, I’m spinning for you since you don’t understand basic common sense.” She hit the spin button again and stared at—the seemingly disappointed—Kylo. “You’ll thank me later,” she muttered. After a few seconds, the spinner stopped, and Rey smiled. “Kylo Ren’s  _ official _ punishment is The Ice Bucket challenge.”

 

“Jesus Christ, I demand a re-spin.”

 

Rey shook her head. “Nope, no re-spins. This is happening, and I’m going to enjoy this immensely.” She grabbed his wrist and turned off the camera before grabbing another one from her desk. “Come on.”

 

Kylo groaned and followed her out of the room. “How are we going to do this? You live an an apartment, and I frankly don’t want your neighbors to see me get iced.”

 

Rey stopped dead in her tracks. “Don’t say ‘iced.’ That sounds like a sex act.”

 

“It probably is, let’s be real.”

 

“I didn’t ask, Kylo, I didn’t ask.”

 

It took a lot of negotiating, but Rey somehow got Kylo to stand half naked in her bathtub. Neither were exactly happy about it, but both agreed that it’d be much easier than Kylo doing it fully clothed and then having nothing to wear afterwards. And that was definitely the only reason.

 

Rey carried a pan of ice into the bathroom and sat it on the counter. There was a camera, which took up most of the space in the small room, sat up in the doorway, and a very disgruntled Kylo stood with his arms crossed in her shower.

 

“I regret everything that has led to this moment,” he said.

 

Rey rolled her eyes as she moved to fiddle with the camera settings. She had a feeling this would be a truly great moment on camera and in real life. It helped that Kylo did admittedly have a fairly decent body. “Wow, you’re such an original, Kylo. Honestly, I can’t believe you’d rather do the Cinnamon Challenge and die rather than get some cold water thrown on you.”

 

“Knowing you, it’ll be extra cold.”

 

“Guess you’ll have to find out. You ready?” She waited for Kylo to nod before turning the camera on, standing on the side out of view. “Welcome, friends.” She spoke softly. “Here we are in the majestic Kylo Ren’s natural habitat, my bathroom.”

 

“Fuck off. I don’t appreciate your sarcasm. I’m majestic as fuck.”

 

Rey laughed, grabbed the bucket of ice on the counter and stood up on her toilet. She grabbed the shower head and turned to the camera. “Welcome to the only 2017 Ice Bucket Challenge. Kylo here was not tagged, but he probably did it back when he was actually  popular in 2014, so I’m going to assume he’s in the clear.” She turned to him. “Are you going to donate toward ALS?”

 

“I will literally give you my debit card if you hurry up.”

 

Rey rose an eyebrow but didn’t say another word. “Turn on the water in like 10 seconds.”

 

Kylo sighed as Rey started counting down from 10. When she got to 1, he rotated the shower knob just enough for there to be a steady stream. Within a matter of seconds, Rey sprayed him first with a stream of freezing water, then pelted him with ice.

 

“Jesus Christ!” he shrieked and turned off the water. Staring up at Rey, he asked, “Are you happy now?”

 

She was smiling. “I am immensely happy.” She threw a towel at him, and he caught it, sending her a glare. “Get dried off. We’re shooting the outro, then it’s time to get wasted.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Look at me, early with the updates. I'm going out of town this weekend, so I thought I'd treat y'all with the next chapter versus waiting until Monday. This is part 1 of the collab. Part 2 will be posted later. I thought it was going to be one chapter, but if I didn't split it it would end up being over 8,000 words, and I don't think I could handle editing that lmao. Thank you to everyone who's reading! I love this fic so much, and it's so much fun to write.
> 
> Follow my Tumblr: https://reyloday.tumblr.com


	9. Stick To Me Like Wax Strips

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Things get a little NSFW

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Before you start this chapter, I'd make sure you're hydrated because this is currently the longest chapter of the fic (Around 6700 words), so hold on tight. Also, just a note, there's a part in this chapter that gets a little explicit, but probably not in the way you're expecting. Have fun!

The booze Kylo brought ended up being much worse than Rey expected, but she drank it anyway. They sat on her couch, sipping their drinks in silence. She almost spoke several times but ultimately decided not to. Kylo sat next to her in his clothes, a towel draped over his neck from their previous escapades. He seemed to have recovered well from his punishment, but he definitely was not happy.

 

Rey scrolled through twitter as she drank from a can of warm beer, wincing at the taste. She didn’t doubt he had run into a liquor store, picked up the first three things he saw, paid, and ran. It was almost funny watch him gag at the three drinks in front of him, each with a different kind of substance—wine, vodka, and beer.

 

“I’m going to regret doing this,” he said. “I can already tell.”

 

Rey smirked and took another sip of her beer. “Try not to suffer too hard. This video is going to go down in history.”

 

“As?”

 

“The ‘Drunk Kylo’ video. Reminds you of something, hm?” A year ago, maybe even a month ago, she wouldn't have brought up the infamous “Drunk Rey” video, especially not to him, but times had changed.

 

Rey swore Kylo flushed. “I am not getting full-on drunk. Trust me, no one wants to see me like that, especially not my viewers.”

 

“No,  _ especially _ your viewers. People eat up stuff like that. Audiences love to see their faves suffer. It’s a proven fact, Kylo. You’ve been on YouTube how long, and you didn’t know that?” Rey shook her head. “Such a disappointment.”

 

Kylo rolled his eyes. “I’ve been on YouTube longer than the last time you had a boyfriend.”

 

She scoffed. “For your information, my last boyfriend was 4 years ago, and we separated due to personal interests. Way less than your ancient ass. And how would you know the last time I had a boyfriend?”

 

“Because your fans decided I needed to know and spammed me for about two days straight. Happens every time.”

 

“Well, your fans made me a meme and now post my pictures on every one of your lame posts.”

 

“I’m pretty sure your own fans did that.”

 

Rey smiled slightly and sipped again at her drink, deciding not to drop the topic. She wasn’t particularly looking forward to getting smashed, having definitely learned her lesson at 18 when she woke up sprawled over her next door neighbor’s floor at her Uni hall with know recollection of how she got there. That definitely had been fun to explain. This time, at least, Rey was in the safety of her own flat despite being with a man she had yet to background check.

 

“You aren’t, like… a perv, right?” Her speech was starting to slur slightly, but she figured she got it out legibly enough.

 

Kylo gave her a strange look. “No? Why would I be?”

 

Rey shrugged. “I don’t know. Just making sure.”

 

He rolled his eyes and took another drink. His cheeks were starting to get rosy. “If I were sexually interested in you, you would know. Trust me.”

 

“What, do you get like crush boners?”

 

“I think those are just regular boners, Rey.”

 

“Hm, strange. I thought there were… categories. You know, like love boner, hot boner, food boner, etcetera.”

 

Kylo smiled a bit as he sipped his beer. “Nope, dicks are not that complicated. You don’t need categories. Honestly, I got a boner from looking at a toaster last week. Dicks don’t know what they’re doing.”

 

“I didn’t need to know that, but thank you,” she said, giggling. The drinks were definitely getting to her.

 

“Any time, kid.”

 

By the time each glass in front of her was empty, Rey felt just a tad numb, perfect for a heated game of Monopoly, not for maintaining her image in front a camera and an audience of several million people. At that current state she couldn’t find it in herself to regret it.

 

“Okay,” she mumbled as she turned on the camera. Kylo was sitting on her bed, a glass of wine in his hand. He had definitely drunk more than she had, but they seemed to be at about the same level in intoxication. “Do you know what we’re going to do or do I have to do this one too?”

 

“I think… I’ve got it?” He rubbed his eyes. “Jesus, I’m tired.”

 

“Are you a tired drunk?”

 

“No, I just haven’t slept in 29 years.”

 

“We’re rolling, dude.”

 

“Okay, okay,” he said, nudging Rey off her bed. “Leave so I can introduce you as my side ho.”

 

“You need a main ho to have a side ho, dumbass.”

 

“I have Hux.”

 

“I wouldn’t go around admitting that.” Rey relented without another word, sitting cross-legged on the floor with a pout. Kylo looked back at the camera and did his strange intro face that no one could exactly describe. “Hey, everybody, it’s Kylo. Welcome to my channel. Today we’re going to be playing a game with someone who has never been featured anywhere near me before: Rey Of Light.”

 

Rey scooted into view of the camera, smiling. “Wow, what an enthusiastic introduction.”

 

“Did I ask?” Kylo ignored her little giggle. “Anyway, you may or may not know that Rey and I have been… less than friendly over the years. I happened to be in town for Summer In The City, and Rey and I decided to just… do the thing, so yeah.”

 

Rey rolled her eyes. “We’re gonna play Never Have I Ever Drunk Edition.”

 

“Hey, this is my channel.”

 

“And you’re too smashed that you’re losing every train of thought halfway through. I’m doing you a favor.” She looked at the camera. “I’m going to do so well. Just watch.”

 

Kylo nudged her, and Rey nudged him right back. “As I was saying, we’re going to play drunk Never Have I Ever. And I, unlike Rey, actually prepared for this video.” He pulled out his bag that he’d brought the booze in with. In it was a plastic bag of crumpled and torn pieces of paper. “This was made by my friend Armitage Hux. Shoutout to the ginger bitch for doing that, I guess.” He turned to Rey. “I’m probably going to take that back by the end of this video, aren’t I?”

 

“Yep.”

 

“So you might be asking why we’re doing such a generic video. Well, there’s going to be a twist. The pieces of paper in the bag are full of things we’ve possibly done, and they’re all fairly small and reasonable. For example…” He reached into the bag and pulled out a piece of paper. “This paper says ‘Do 100 push-ups’. The twist is that if one or both people haven’t done the action, then they have to perform it.

 

“So me and Rey don’t die from alcohol poisoning, instead of taking shots every time we have done something, we’re going to put down a finger. The first one to zero loses. You ready, Rey?”

 

She nodded. “Always ready, asshole.”

 

“You can’t swear on my channel. Demonetization is a bitch.”

 

“You just did.”

 

“I’ll edit that part out.”

 

Rey rolled her eyes and smiled again at the camera. “Always ready. Get ready for pain because I’m going to win this. It’ll be easy because I never do anything.”

 

“In that case, you can go first.” 

 

He held the plastic bag full of papers open for her. Rey reached in a shuffled around a bit before settling on one. “Alright. Never have I ever ‘compiled a list of receipts just to prove someone wrong.’” Rey snorted and put down a finger. Kylo did the same. “This is 2017. I’ve seen some shady stuff. Next question.”

 

Kylo shook his head and grabbed the bag. “Never have I ever…” He pulled out a paper and read it. “‘cheated on a test.’” He put one of his fingers down, and so did Rey. “Wait, really?”

 

She shrugged. “I was a huge cheater in Secondary School. Didn’t help that my teachers legitimately sucked ass.”

 

“I literally cheated on my SATs.”

 

“Not sure you should go around admitting that.”

 

“I failed, anyway, so it’s not like it helped.” He looked straight at the camera. “Don’t cheat in school, kids.”

 

“These questions are boring,” Rey mumbled. “Hux needs to get his head in the game. We’re in our 20s. Give us something interesting.”

 

“I’ll pass on the message,” he said, handing Rey the bag.

 

She took it and shook it once before choosing. “Okay. Never have I ever ‘read fanfiction about myself for personal enjoyment.’ Jesus Christ.” She put a finger down.

 

Kylo didn’t. “What? That’s a thing?”

 

Rey laughed and took a sip from the wine sat on her nightstand. “Oh, sweet, innocent Kylo.”

 

“What?”

 

“I can’t believe this is how you’re going to be introduced to fanfiction. I guess you aren’t as big of a loser as I am.”

 

“Finally we can agree on something.”

 

Rey shook her head and grabbed her phone out of her pocket. She didn’t look up at the camera as she searched, but she was sure Kylo was giving her the worst side-eye in existence. It took her a minute, but finally she got the site up. “Alright, so this is a fanfiction archive. People write things for their fandom and post them here.”

 

“I know what fanfiction is. I’m not stupid,” he said. “I’ve just never felt a need to read it.”   
  


“Well, you’re missing out on some great stuff.” She searched through the fandoms before settling on the “Celebrities & Real People” category. “Alright, here we just have to scroll down and go to ‘Video Blogging RPF’ and we’ll be in the archive.”

 

He rose an eyebrow. “You seem awfully familiar with this.”

 

“Fanfiction is a perfectly normal past-time, excuse you. The creators are…” She glanced at the camera, crinkling her nose as she flashbacked to that one Ryden fic with the milk. “Let’s just say they’re very creative.”

 

“I’m not going to ask what that means.”

 

“Don’t.” Rey handed Kylo her phone once she found the Video Blogging category and showed him how to filter it out. The most popular ones on the site were those other British YouTubers and the Irish guy that was extremely nice but talked like he downed eight RedBulls an hour. “As you can see here, you’re not extremely popular—”

 

“Thank God.”

 

“—but there are about 300 or so fics about you. Congratulations.”

 

Kylo groaned. “Do I have to pick one?”

 

“Yes,” she said. “And pick a good one. I want to be entertained.”

 

He took a few minutes just scrolling through the archive, occasionally commenting something along the lines of “That’s longer than the last three books I’ve read” or “I do not have these kinks,” before settling on one. “Alright, there.”

 

Rey looked over at the phone and rolled her eyes. “You cannot choose a 200 word fic about you staring out a window for your first fanfic. It’s gotta be something… iconic.”

 

“Iconic?”

 

She sighed and took the phone from him, scrolling through. “Most of them are about you and Hux. Care to read one of those?”

 

“Hell no.”

 

“There’s also a few about a threesome between you, Hux, and Phasma, and one about—OH MY GOD!”

 

Kylo nearly jumped of the bed. “What?”

 

Rey was already laughing hysterically. “There’s one about you… and me!”

 

“What?”

 

“I don’t know!” she shouted, barely holding back laughter. “Oh my god, I need to see this.” She clicked on the link before Kylo could swipe the phone away.

  
  


One More Thing by  KaseOfDawn

 

 **No Archive Warnings Apply** , Kylo Ren/Rey, Rey Of Light (YouTuber), Kylo Ren (YouTuber), Smut, Swearing, Oral Sex, Riding, Kylo is a bottom and you can’t convince me otherwise, Dom!Rey, Foot Fetish, Lingerie, BDSM, Choking, Restraints

 

_ Rey and Kylo are nothing to the public eye, but behind closed doors? Well, that’s a different story. _

 

Language: English  Words: 1,465  Chapters: 1/1  Comments:  6  Kudos:  104 Bookmarks:  2  Hits: 207

  
  


Rey glanced at Kylo after reading the summary, contemplating whether she should expose him to a fic like that so soon, but he’d find it eventually, so she decided to go on.

 

“‘Vidcon was outrageous as always. By the time Rey got around to trudging back to her hotel room, her feet were absolutely aching. After hours and hours of interacting with and signing autographs for fans, she was finally able to sink into her mattress and sleep.’”

 

“I thought this was supposed to be about me,” Kylo muttered under her breath.

 

Rey held up a hand. “It’s in my POV, but you’re coming. ‘Rey opened the door of her hotel room and sighed. It was dark, so she searched for the light switch on the wall, smiling with success once she found it. She flicked on the light, but what she found in the room was much more startling.’”

 

He rose an eyebrow. “Is this a horror story? Am I a serial killer coming to murder you. If so, that’s my ultimate form.”

 

Rey ignored him. “‘Inside her room, on top of her bed, laid Kylo Ren.’” She glanced over at him, waiting for another complaint, but he just sat there silently. “‘“Hey, baby,” he said. “I saw you earlier today and you looked so delicious.”’”

 

Kylo nearly choked. “What the actual fuck is this?” He didn’t look bothered by another swear he’d have to bleep.

 

“I don’t know, I sorta like this Kylo. He’s much nicer than you.” Kylo made another swipe for her phone, but she shoved him off. “‘“Kylo.” Rey’s heart sped up. “Kylo, what are you doing here?” Despite her tiredness, Rey wiggled with excitement as the man got up from her bed and came closer.’”

 

“I’m going to walk off a cliff.”

 

“‘When he got to her, Kylo sat a hand on her face and groaned. “It’s been so long since I’ve had you, baby. Will you fuck me?”’” Rey could barely contain her laughter at the mortification on the real Kylo’s face. “‘“Only if you fuck me first,” Rey bit back sexily. Slowly, she pushed him back and pulled off her shirt, moaning wontonly when his hand trailed down the creamy skin of her toned stomach.’”

 

“Please end my misery now.”

 

“‘He pushed her into the bed, and Rey melted into the mattress, gasping. Lips found lips and soon they were lost in each other, their tiredness completely forgotten. This was what was important now: Kylo fucking Rey into the mattress until the sun rose.’” She had to stop for a moment to catch her breath from laughter. She mentally blessed the fanfic writer and prayed they would improve at the same time. “‘“Did you wear something pretty for me?” Rey asked, grinding against Kylo’s hard member. He smiled sheepishly and nodded, his face turning as red as a tomato. “Then show me,” she said.

 

“‘Kylo removed his pants and shirt, revealing a pink set of lace panties and thigh-highs.’” Once again, the real Kylo made for a grab for her phone, but Rey managed to evade him before he could. “‘Blood rushed to Rey’s womanhood when she caught the sight of him. Kylo knew just what would tip her over the edge. She sat up. “Lie down on the bed, baby. Let me make you feel good.” Kylo did as he was told and laid back for her. She smiled and climbed on top of him, straddling his waist. “Mm, you want a treat tonight, hm?” She ran a hand down to his throbbing member, leaking with precum, and squeezed lightly. He whimpered at her touch.’”

 

The fic went on, and Rey read the whole thing, despite many, many, many protests from the real Kylo. It explained (in very graphic detail) how Rey was apparently a dominatrix obsessed with feet and liked it when her partners were completely helpless at her touch. None of it was true, obviously, but she did have a feeling the fanfic writer didn’t think it was either. The one thing the story got right, though, was the fact that Kylo really did blush like a tomato.

 

“I am ruined,” he said. “My life is over.”

 

“What, you didn’t like the description of you laying in lacy lingerie while I licked your feet?” 

 

He gave her a look and shook his head. “This is gonna be a bitch to edit.”

 

“You’re swearing. What an iconic moment for YouTube history.” She gasped when he grabbed her phone out of her hands. “Hey, what the fuck!”

 

He pocketed the phone and sat on the bed. “This is confiscated for the rest of the video. I do not need any more of this… this sinful presence.”

 

“The phone isn’t sinful.”

 

“No, I mean you, but I can’t put you in my back pocket, so this is the closest thing.”

 

“Please do not put me in your back pocket.”

 

“I’m not going to try, Rey. I’m not going to try.” He turned to the camera and gave it an… uncomfortable look. “This is only number two, and I already want to push Hux out of a window.”

 

“I’ve wanted to push him out of a window since that one ‘Drawing YouTubers Naked’ video,” Rey muttered.

 

“Didn’t he just paint a tree and said it resembled your physique?”

 

“Did I fucking ask?”

 

“Okay!” Kylo said, turning back to the camera. “Let’s continue our game before someone actually dies. I currently have three fingers up if I’ve counted correctly, and Rey has two. Guess that means I’m winning.”

 

“That just means I’ve experienced more.”

 

“Have a medal.” He took the bag and shuffled through it for a few seconds before pulling out another piece of paper. “Never have I ever ‘pressed send on a text and then immediately regretted it.’” Kylo put a finger down, but Rey didn’t. He rolled his eyes. “Really? I’m calling bullshit on that. I know for a fact there was a tweet going around about you stuffing french fries into your bra to go into a movie theater.”

 

“First of all, they’re called chips here. You’re in England. Second, I don’t regret that tweet. Third, they said  _ text _ , and I’ve never sent a text I’ve regretted.”

 

“You literally texted me ‘“Suck my cock” not “Suck my dick”’ yesterday.”

 

“Again, no regrets.”

 

“Okay, well, that doesn’t matter. We’re going to send something you regret to someone on your contact list. And I get to pick the recipient.”

 

Rey scoffed. “Hell no. You’re not allowed to go through my phone.”

 

“What, do you have someone named ‘Daddy’ on there?”

 

“Well, I’m an orphan and single, so I wouldn’t imagine so.”

 

Kylo paused and looked back and forth between her and the camera. “Uh, sorry. About the orphan thing, I mean,” he added quickly, “not the single thing.”

 

She laughed. “You should see your face. Give me my phone. I’m not reaching into your ass to get it.”

 

“It’s in my back pocket, not my ass,” he said, taking it out. “And you’re not getting it back. I told you it’s confiscated.”

 

“Well, you can go deepthroat a cactus.”

 

He rolled his eyes and turned on Rey’s phone, quickly typing in her password. Rey opened her mouth to ask how he knew it, but Kylo cut her off. “You should really pick something besides your birth year. If one of your fans got your phone, who knows how many ugly selfies they could exploit?”

 

“That’s funny you should say that since half my camera roll is your face.” She didn’t really know why she said it, but it was dumb enough that she decided to blame the alcohol.

 

“My face?” He clicked out of her messages and went to her gallery, despite Rey’s protests. “You read me smut! I deserve this much!”

 

Instead of resisting further and tackling him to the ground as she earlier planned, Rey decided to just lay back and wait for whatever he found. The truth was that she genuinely had no idea what was on her camera roll. It was all bad, no doubt, but there weren’t any nudes or Kylo faces. It would probably be just dogs and an occasional obscure meme that she screenshotted at 4am.

 

“Why is there a picture of Poot Lovato on here?”

 

“More attractive than your ass would ever be.”

 

“My ass is very attractive. Take that back.”

 

She shook her head. “I’m enjoying this immensely, but I’m going to regret so much tomorrow.”

 

“Speaking of regret,” Kylo said, “I’m going to choose a recipient now. Think of your text but choose wisely. I have the right to veto.” He scrolled through her contacts for a minute or so before selecting one of the hosts of VidCon.

 

It could have been worse, honestly, but with the text she had in mind… well, she just had to prepare to not get invited next year. Kylo handed her back the phone for her to type out the text but leaned over her shoulder to see. “Any texts I send to these people are going to be horrible. You know that, right?”

 

“It has to be true regret. Something you’ll remember for ten years and look back at it and cringe.”

 

“Like this collab?”

 

“ _ Exactly _ like this collab.”

 

“Fine, fine,” she said. “If you want me to ruin my life, so be it, but I’m petty, so watch yourself. I won’t hesitate to put pink lingerie in your suitcase next VidCon.”

 

“Noted.”

 

It took a few attempts and several vetoes (Kylo apparently didn’t like the “I watched Kylo and Hux 69” and “I want Kylo to tiddy fuck me” texts), but eventually they managed to settle on one:

 

“‘john have you ever thought of hosting a furry/vidcon crossover’ Really, Rey?” Despite the ridiculousness of the question, he really did look amused, and she figured since it didn’t involve him fucking, it was better.

 

Rey shrugged. “It’s either that or 69. Choose.”

 

“Fine.” He sighed. “Send it. I hope he never watches this video.”

 

“This is the end of my YouTube career.”

 

“Just send the text, Rey.” 

 

She did as she was told, shooting a glare at Kylo. “If they reply, I'm telling them you're a furry.”

 

“Well, luckily you’ve never messaged them before, so hopefully they don’t find out.” Kylo handed the bag of paper to her. “Your turn.”

 

“Oh, joy.” Rey took the bag and sifted through it before choosing one. “Please let it be something not horrible.” She read the paper, and a smile spread across her face. “Never have I ever… ‘waxed my legs.’” She put a finger down, not even caring if she was losing the game.

 

Rey didn’t need to look at Kylo’s fingers to know he still had two fingers up—his face said it all. “Are you kidding me? Please don’t make me do this.” 

 

“Oh no, are you scared?” She shook her head. “Such a shame. Such a disappointment.”

 

Several more taunts were thrown at him until he relented. “Fine, but just the shins.”

 

“You can’t just do the shins. That’s tacky. Every YouTuber who waxes their legs on camera only does the shin of one leg. At least give them a thigh. It’s what the people deserve.”

 

Kylo debated for a moment before letting out a sigh. “I’m going to regret this so much, but fine. I’ll do one entire leg.”   
  


“So you’re going to be a naked mole rat on one leg and one of those hairy guinea pigs on the other?”

 

“I don’t have that much leg hair, Rey. It’s fine. Please just get the things and get this over with.”

 

He was either very lucky or unlucky because Rey happened to have two boxes of wax strips under her bathroom sink. She vaguely remembered buying them a few months ago, but they had hurt so badly that she decided to give up and go back to shaving. At least they were being put to good use.

 

“This is going to be the longest video.” He seemed to be talking to himself, so she dumped the wax strip boxes on her bed. “The longer I have to wait, the more this terrifies me. Wait, they’re just boxes? Now wax?”

 

“Yep, I only have strips.”

 

“Does this qualify as waxing then? Are you going to force me to do this and say ‘Oh, never mind, that didn’t count!’”

 

She sat down on the bed. “Alright, friends—or Kylo’s subscribers. I don’t know about you, but I hate waxing. But luckily, these somewhat expensive kits won’t go to waste because Kylo has given up his leg for me to use as practice. Go take off your pants.”

 

“Doesn’t that mean underwear in England?”

 

“Not like that, you fucking rat!” She shoved him lightly, and he laughed. “There are shorts that might fit you in the bottom dresser drawer. They’re my friend Finn’s.”

 

Kylo jumped up and went over to her dresser, following her directions until he found a pair of athletic shorts. They were too big for Rey, but she honestly didn’t think they’d fit him well either. “He’s not gonna mind me wearing them, is he? Wait, is he your boyfriend?”

 

Rey rolled her eyes. “No and no. Finn has a girlfriend. Now stop stalling and change.” He unbuttoned his pants in front of her, and she threw a pillow at him. “In the bathroom, rat.”

 

“You’ve already seen me in my boxers, you know.”

 

“But that’s different. It was for entertainment purposes.”

 

“You really shouldn’t say that.”

 

A few minutes later, Kylo was in the shorts, and Rey was really trying not to stare at the way the they hugged his ass. His right leg was laid out on front of her, and she was sat cross-legged next to several strips laid out on her bed.

 

“I took some Advil. Hope you don’t mind.”

 

She didn’t look at him, eyes fixed on the directions. “Thank you for going through my medicine cabinet.”

 

“You’re welcome. Quite a mess in there. You should clean it more often.”

 

“You really shouldn’t insult me when I’m about to rip hair out of your leg.” She grabbed some strips and looked at him. “Also, you’re half intoxicated right now. I’m not sure if it’s a good idea to take Advil.”

 

“That’s fine. Maybe just some minor internal bleeding. I’ll be fine.” 

 

“Good.” Rey laid out a wax strip near the top of his foot, smoothing it out flat. “Your legs aren’t as hairy as I thought they’d be, I’ll admit.”

 

“Wow, thank you.”

 

“Don’t get me wrong. I’m still disgusted in general, but it’s less horrible than I thought.”

 

“You didn’t have to—FUCK!”

 

Rey giggled, holding the wax strip between two fingers. “Oh, you should see your face right now.”

 

He was clutching his leg, leaning back against her pillows. “Shit! You could have given me a warning!”

 

“It’d hurt more if you were expecting it.”

 

“Jesus Christ, Mother of God.”

 

“I don’t think Jesus Christ is God’s mother, Kylo.”

 

“Fuck off.”

 

It took a lot of coaxing, but Rey was able to get Kylo to relinquish his leg if she gave him something to distract himself with. They decided on Rey asking Twitter for questions, and the responses were quick.

 

As she was preparing another strip, Rey read off a question. “Carly asks ‘Warm milk or cold milk?’”

 

“You first,” he said.

 

“Warm. It’s quite relaxing.”

 

“Disgusting. Cold or bu—” To his credit, Kylo didn’t shriek when Rey pulled the strip off that time. “Holy… fuck, that hurts.”

 

She was already putting another one on. “Winter asks ‘Dogs or cats?’” She thought for a moment. “Dogs. I like cats, but I’m allergic.”

 

“Me t—” Rey pulled the strip off. Kylo still flinched, but it seemed to be getting less painful as time went on. “Okay, okay, this is fine.”

 

It took several more strips for the first half of his leg to be finished. He’d definitely taken a liking to clutching one of Rey’s pillows with a iron grip, but she didn’t mind too much. “They say the thigh hurts a lot more than the shin,” she said, spreading a strip on the outside of his thigh. “Hopefully you don’t die on my bed. That’d be awkward to explain to both the police and our viewers.”

 

“You’re not reassur—GODDAMNIT.”

 

Rey shook her head and spread out another strip. “You really should know these games by now, Kylo. We are best friends, after all.”

 

“Best friends, my ass. We can’t be best friends until you tell me what’s hiding in your closet.”

 

“You’ve been in my closet.”

 

“And it’s a disaster.”

 

Rey ripped off another strip and smacked him with it, ignoring his cursing. “Don’t antagonize me.”

 

“You’re a mean girl.”

 

“And you’re a mean boy.”

 

“Can I make it any more obvious?” There was a smirk on his face.

 

“You did not just quote an Avril Lavigne song.”

 

“Bite me.”

 

She laid another strip down on his thigh and pinched him. “I’d rather bite soap but okay.”

 

Kylo shook his head, looked at the camera, and mouthed “Help me” right before Rey ripped another strip off. “This isn’t getting less painful.”

 

“Don’t be such a baby.” She put a strip on his inner thigh, and she couldn’t help but blush at being so close to his… unmentionables. By the looks of it, he did too if his silence had any indication. “Do you think you can do this one without flinching?” she asked, trying to make it less awkward.

 

“Hell no, but I’ll try.” Rey grabbed the bottom end of the strip and ripped it off. This time, Kylo didn’t shriek, but he definitely flinched. “Yeah, I’m not going to try to not flinch. Please just get this over with.”

 

“What if I did two at once?”

 

“Please don’t.”

 

“Here, get on your stomach so I can do the back of your thigh. You’re almost done.” He did as he was told, and Rey laid out two strips, one on the back of the knee, the other on the thigh. When she ripped it, he dug his face into a pillow. 

 

“I thought alcohol was supposed to numb pain.”

 

“I think it wore off when we read that fanfic.”

 

“You’re right. That was probably worse than this waxing.”

 

Rey laid two more strips down. “Be nice to the fic writers, Kylo, or else they’ll kill you in every single fanfic.”

 

“They already do.”

 

“I thought you didn’t read them.”

 

“I don’t, Hux do—Jesus Christ!” He flicked her off, not bothering to look if she did it back. “I hate you.”

 

Rey ripped the other strip off, smirking at his small shriek. “Likewise.” She laid down two more strips on his leg. “These are the last and you’ll be free. Congrats, weakling.”

 

“You should not get a career in waxing.”

 

She ripped off one and tossed it onto the bed. “Keep talking, sweetheart. Ease your pain.”

 

“Fuck yo—” When the last one came off, he loosened his grab on the pillow and threw it back at her, hitting her squarely in the face.

 

“Thank you for that, Kylo. I appreciated that so much.” She patted his leg. “Great, all done. I think you look great. Er, half of you, at least.”

 

Kylo sighed and sat up, turning to face the camera. “Well, this was certainly something to remember.”

 

“Dude, you’ve gotta feel your leg. It’s part of the experience.”

 

“Really? That’s a little weird.” Rey stared him down until he gave in and pressed his palm to his thigh. “Great.”

 

She rolled her eyes. “You’re not doing it right.” Taking his wrist, Rey slid his hand all the way down his leg and back. “There. You’re as soft as a fucking beluga whale.”

 

Kylo gave her a look when she released his hand but didn’t comment on it. “Well, isn’t this a great development?” 

 

“Now go throw your disgusting wax strips away. I’ve done my part.”

 

He did as he was told with only minimal complaint and bounced back onto her bed, grabbing the bag of paper that was forgotten on the floor. “It’s my turn. For once, I’m actually praying to lose this game.” He dug through the bag, closed his eyes, and picked out a piece of paper. “Never have I ever ‘told someone I loved them without meaning it.’” Kylo put a finger down, but Rey did not. “Really?”

 

She shook her head. “Nope. I only tell people I love them if I really mean it.”

 

“You never did it to any boyfriends?”

 

“No, I did, and I meant it, and I did love them, but it wasn’t real love, you know? I always think about it a lot before I say it.”

 

“Well, you’re going to have to say it now.” 

 

Rey smiled a bit. “To who?”

 

“Me,” he said. She rose an eyebrow, so he quickly added “If you want. You could always go to your drug dealer neighbor too.”

 

“No, it’s fine.” Their eyes met, and Rey giggled a bit. She mentally blamed it on the alcohol. “I love you.”

 

“There you go.” He cleared his throat. “We’re both tied now. It’s your turn.”

 

Rey took the bag and dug through it. “Never have I ever… ooh, let’s skip that one.” 

 

He grabbed the paper from her and nodded. “Yeah, good idea.”

 

She grabbed another paper. “Never have I ever ‘had a one-night-stand.’ Please put a finger down.” He did, and she did the same. “Oh, thank god.”

 

“Well, we’re tied for last place. What does that mean?”

 

“I don’t know. You’re the host of this video. What does it mean?”

 

Kylo contemplated for a few moments before grabbing the bag of paper. “Let’s get one more out and then do it, no matter if we’ve ever done it or not.”

 

“What if it’s something weird like ‘Kissed a relative’ or something?”

 

“We’ll figure it out. And since this is my game, I’m picking it out. If it’s something too outlandish, we’ll pick another one.” He reached into the bag and shuffled the papers around a bit before taking one out. “Alright, never have I ever ‘prank-called someone.’”

 

“Well, this isn’t as horrible as I thought it’d be. Are you making me go first?” She pulled out her phone when Kylo nodded and dialed in Poe’s number. Finn would know immediately what was going on, but all Poe knew was that they were collabing after SITC, so he was the perfect victim.

 

As the phone rang, she thought about exactly what to tell Poe. He picked up somewhat quickly, and Rey’s story was completely laid out in her head. “What’s the crisis today, kid?”

 

“P-Poe, I have something to tell you.” She sounded purposely shaky. She’d tried this prank several times on different people and had definitely perfected the technique. “It’s important. I don’t know who else to go to.”

 

His voice dropped instantly. “What’s wrong? Are you okay?”

 

“Um… not really. So… you remember VidCon, right?”

 

“Yes. Are you still thinking about that? Honestly, Rey, Kylo is a dick. Is he there yet? You’re collabing with him today, aren’t you?”

 

Rey looked over at Kylo, who was looking confused yet amused. “No, he comes later tonight, and it’s not really about him. Um, anyway, at the last night of VidCon, I went to my hotel room, and there was this guy—”

 

“Wait, did you sleep with Kylo?”

 

“No!” she shouted. “No, it wasn’t Kylo. After he dropped me off at the hotel, I… ran into another YouTuber. I thought he was cute and everything, plus I was craving attention and a little drunk, so I suggested we sleep together, and he was down with it, but like I said, I was tipsy.”

 

“Rey, what are you implying?”

 

“We didn’t use protection, Poe. I-I didn’t think anything of it at the time, but I just took a pregnancy test and—”

 

“What? Shit, Rey! You didn’t realize this until now? Why didn’t you do anything?”

 

“No! I don’t know, I guess I just tried to ignore it and forgot about it until I missed my period, and… I don’t know what to do!”

 

“Have you told Finn yet?”

 

“I can’t tell him! He’d be so disappointed in me!” She took a deep breath. “And it gets worse. The YouTuber… he’s married.” 

 

“Rey! What the hell!”

 

“I know, I know, but I didn’t really know who he was, but I can’t just tell him and ruin his marriage.”

 

“Come on, Rey, you have to.”

 

“No, no, wait. There’s something we could do.”

 

“We?” He sounded hesitant, but she knew Poe would do anything for her.

 

“Pretend to be the father.” Kylo choked and slapped a hand over his mouth, seemingly struggling to breathe.

 

“What? Rey, I can’t do that!”

 

“Why not? Poe, please!”

 

“Rey, I’m gay.”

 

“Yeah, so? Gay people have kids all the time. We can just tell people I’m your surrogate!” She gasped. “And then you could take the baby!”

 

“Are you… Rey, I’m not pretending to be the father, and I’m not taking your baby.”

 

“Poe!”

 

“No!”

 

She started fake-sobbing into the phone. “I can’t do this, Poe, these are not good times to raise a child. Please, help me.”

 

“I’m sorry, Rey. I can help you the best I can, but you’ve got to own up to your mistakes.”

 

“Screw you!”

 

She looked over at Kylo to see him shaking his head. “You’ve got to tell him,” he mouthed. She nodded.

 

Poe was in the middle of a rant about how she was an adult and needed to act like one when Rey interrupted. “Poe?”

 

“What?”

 

“I’m not pregnant.”

 

“W-What?”

 

“Um, Kylo says hi.”

 

There was a moment of silence on Poe’s end, but he spoke after about ten seconds of pure crisis. “I fucking hate you.”

 

Rey was laughing hysterically, and Kylo just mashed his face into a pillow. “I’m sorry,” she choked out. “It’s his fault.”

 

He popped his head up. “No the fuck it’s not.”

 

“Kylo,” Poe said, interrupting what definitely would become a small spat, “you’re a bastard.”

 

“I technically am an actual bastard, but thank you.”

 

“Screw you. And Rey,” he said, “use protection because I’m never having this conversation with you again.”

 

“Will do, Poe.” They bid very brief goodbyes before Rey sat down her phone and turned to face Kylo. “Ta-da.”

 

“Amazing. Who knew you’d be so talented at lying,” he said, pulling out his phone. “Since Hux already knows about this collab and made the papers, I’m going to call my mother instead.”   
  


“And what are you going to tell her?”

 

“I guess you’ll see, won’t you?”

 

The phone rang a few times before his mother answered. “What did you do now, Ben?” Rey immediately decided she liked her.

 

He rolled his eyes. “Nothing, Mom, why would you say that?”

 

“Because there’s always something with you, kid.”

 

“Well, it’s something… um, I accidentally got into a car accident.”

 

There was a long sigh before she spoke again. “You  _ accidentally _ got into a car accident? Ben, why would you purposely get into an accident?”

 

“Mom, I’m in pain. You’re not helping.”

 

“You don’t even own a car.”

 

“It was an Uber.”

 

“Why the hell were you driving someone else’s Uber?”

 

“I wasn’t driving the Uber!”

 

“Okay, how bad is it?”

 

“Leg is fractured, and I have a broken finger.”

 

“Is it your middle one?”

 

“Mom!”

 

“Ben, I love you, but you’re not fooling me.” Rey tried not to laugh. His mother had never shown up on camera like this, but it was nice seeing where Kylo got his snark. “You don’t own a car, you don’t like leaving your house, and you’re in London right now.”

 

“Mom, you’ve ruined everything.”

 

“Funny. That’s exactly what I said when you were two years old and I was having an existential crisis. And it’s not like I didn’t hear that every single day when you were a teenager. Calm yourself.” 

 

Kylo groaned. “I’m hanging up now.”

 

“Bye, kid.”

 

“Bye, Mom.”

 

Kylo hung up the phone, and Rey immediately started giggling. “Your mom is hilarious.”

 

“Must be where I get it from.”

 

She shoved him, but he smiled anyway. “I think the alcohol is worn off. Is this video done?”

 

“Just shoot the outro with me, and you’re home free.”

 

“Deal.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Wow, that was a ride! This was a bitch to edit, just like their videos will be later. Unfortunately no social media reactions this chapter, but there definitely will be next chapter! And we're not quite done with Kylo and Rey's bants, so stay tuned for that. Thank for all the kind reviews, and I'm glad y'all are enjoying! Also: In my book, a fic is considered a slow burn if they're not in some kind of relationship within 30,000 words. We're now at 35,000 ;)
> 
> Follow me on Tumblr: https://reyloday.tumblr.com


	10. La Vie En Rose

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Kylo is tired, which leads to some... shocking revelations.

**[Drunk Never Have I Ever ft. Rey of Light]**

4,987,427

 

Comments · 3,768  


Top Comments ˅

  


**DitzySlut** [10 hours ago]

I SCREECHED WHEN I SAW THIS OH MY GOD

_view all 103 replies˅_

 

 **Ruby** [3 minutes ago]

 **+DitzySlut** THIS IS THE BEST DAY OF MY LIFE

 

 **Benjamin Worster** [2 minutes ago]

 **+DitzySlut** Right???

  


**Lord And Savior** [3 hours ago]

This is

The best day

of my life

_view all 98 replies˅_

 

 **Dia Yan** [1 minute ago]

 **+Lord And Savior** I actually started sobbing

 

 **Lord And Savior** [1 minute ago]

 **+Dia Yan** Don’t cry. Craft.

  


**Quentin Darnoll** [6 hours ago]

He protecc

He attac

But most importantly

His legs are smooth as fracc  _Show less_

_view all 98 replies˅_

 

 **Morgan Freeman** [3 minutes ago]

 

 **+Quentin Darnoll** NO

 

 **JAMES** [2 minutes ago]

 **+Quentin Darnoll** HOW COULD YOU

 

 **I t ‘ s e v e r y d a y b r o** [1 minute ago]

 **+Quentin Darnoll** Idk who you are but i trusted you and you’ve betrayed me goodbye

  


**Crystal Gemz** [1 hour ago]

The sexual tension in this is……… Holy shit are they dating?

_view all 85 replies˅_

 

 **Kelsey Kopernika** [50 minutes ago]

 **+Crystal Gemz** That’s what i was wonddering too!!!!!

 

 **Julia Morgana Marie** [10 minutes ago]

 **+Crystal Gemz** They aren’t fucking dating get your dirty hands off Rey. She doesn’t need Kylo’s bullshit or his disgusting fans ffs

 

* * *

 

Kylo had a habit.

 

It wasn’t a particularly bad habit, but it also wasn’t a good one either. Every night before he went to sleep, Kylo scrolled through comments. He’d heard stories of YouTubers doing the same thing for months and have to quit YouTube due to the stress it put upon them. Kylo had been doing it for years, though, but he took all of it with a grain of salt, just a result of overly-enthusiastic fans.

 

It felt different that night, though.

 

He’d left London the morning before last, and he was still recovering from the jet lag. It was after 2am in New York, but his mind was still buzzing. That was never a good thing for him.

 

The videos were published as soon as he got back to his apartment, less than 12 hours ago. Rey had agreed to do it at the same time, and when both videos dropped it seemed to have caused collective chaos across their social media platforms.

 

Kylo’s video had been trending for 8 hours and had peaked at #4, Rey’s at #3. Before anything dropped, his subscriber count had been at 8.8 million and had grown to 9.3 since then. It was baffling that two simple videos with his rival could affect so much in so little time.

 

“Did you fuck afterwards?” It was the first thing Hux had asked when he walked through the door. He’d been holding his disgusting cat, Millicent, hair shedding all over his black jeans.

 

Kylo hadn’t looked up at him. “Why would we?”

 

“Because you look like you had. Did you even watch the video? She eyes you up like eight times.”

 

“That’s ridiculous, Hux,” he had said, “and get that cat out of my apartment.”

 

“I’m just saying, if you did I hope you used condoms because we don’t need any heathens with your disgusting hair.”

 

“OUT.”

 

Truthfully, Kylo did watch both videos several times to analyze Rey’s mannerisms but didn’t come up with anything out of ordinary. He wasn’t even sure if Hux had ever actually met Rey, so it wasn’t something he had much knowledge to comment on in the first place.

 

But that didn’t stop their fans.

 

Rey’s and his fanbase had a complicated relationship. There were many points where they overlapped, and even though Kylo didn’t spend much time on certain sites in general, you didn’t need a middle school education to realize that her fanbase wasn’t exactly big on him or his followers.

 

This video, though, left them… rightfully confused on where they stood with each other.

 

Kylo wouldn’t be the first to admit he wasn’t a particularly kind person to Rey or her fans in the past, and he had a feeling no one in the near future would be letting him forget any time soon. Tell that to him a few months ago, he honestly wouldn’t have cared. All of Rey’s fans were butthurt in some type of way and most were completely obsessed with her. It was unsettling how far they would go to defend her from simple disses by anyone.

 

In fact, due to Rey’s lovely fans, he'd earned the amazing “Anti Kylo Ren” tag. It was truly one of the best days of his life when he scrolled through it and found all of Rey’s overly passionate fans calling him “Kyle Ron,” “Kilo Ren,” or, his personal favorite, “Kylie Renner.” He would link Rey the tag, but knowing her she’d start using the nicknames unironically, if she wasn’t already.

 

Honestly, he had no idea why she had so many stans or why everyone thought she need to be protected. Rey seemed to be able to handle herself back in 2012, and he didn’t doubt she still could, even if she was viewed as some giant cinnamon roll to the entirety of the internet.

 

Well, not completely.

 

Though Rey fans were extreme, Kylo knew his fans weren’t much better. They weren’t as active on a lot of the social media sites Rey’s fanbase frequented, but they somehow butted heads at every possible moment they could. Kylo’s fans were hellbent on getting the Rey fans of their backs, and Rey’s fans were hellbent on getting back at Kylo for dissing Rey’s content.

 

It was laughable at best, childish on both sides. To be quite honest, Kylo didn’t even completely _know_ what kind of content Rey made, so the arguments made seemed somewhat moot. The only video he’d ever really watched of hers was the drunk video, and he vowed that day it was the last, too.

 

But was shooting a video for said channel a breach of the rules? Probably. Did that mean he was therefore released from his bow on never watching her videos? Maybe.

 

 _2:28_. He knew he shouldn't. He should go back to bed and try to get a head start on preserving his precious sleep schedule, but there was a video right there, almost mocking him:

 

_Recommended For You: Singing About Things I Hate_

 

 _Just one video_ , he reasoned with himself. He’d done it countless times before, and they always ended the same way—2 cups of coffee and a mid-afternoon nap. He clicked on it anyway.

 

 _2:37._ He was half-hoping his name would be mentioned in the video somewhere, but it was just her playing a ukulele while singing some bullshit tune about how she fucking hated taxes and prunes.

 

He clicked on her channel and nearly gasped at the amount of videos that were on there. 1,045. No wonder she'd been so frustrated that her content never got noticed. Though, there is such a thing called quality over quantity.

 

Scrolling through Rey’s videos was… an interesting endeavor. Their channels seemed to be similar in the sense that their content seemed to be quite jumbled, but he did notice a pattern in the videos. It was always a song, some kind of life talk video, and a vlog. The pattern never stopped, even as he scrolled down to 2013.

 

It seemed almost obsessive but somehow intriguing.

 

At 2:43, he clicked on another video: _Doing My Own Makeup Blindfolded._

 

And at 2:57, he did it again.

 

_The Worst Piano Tutorial You’ve Ever Seen_

 

_Story Time: The First Time I Ever Went To VidCon_

 

_Painfully Obvious Life Lessons I Never Learned_

 

_Unpopular Opinions With Rose Tico_

 

_How NOT To Make Friends With Other YouTubers_

 

_A Weirdly Personal Q+A (Nothing Off Limits)_

 

_I Have Weird Toes?_

 

_Singing To Random Strangers In Peckham_

 

_This Is Clickbait._

 

At 3:46, he looked at the clock for the first time in an hour. An hour wasted on _her._ His eyes were drooping slightly, tiredness finally starting to set in, but he couldn’t make himself sleep. No, that wasn’t an option. There was so much more of her to see.

 

It was creepy, he knew, to be binging on her videos late at night with no rhyme or reason, but once he started there was no stopping. He couldn’t. It wasn’t an obsession. He didn’t even like her content that much as it was, but she had something most YouTubers couldn’t claim: charisma, passion. She actually liked what she did, and he could tell in every second was on camera.

 

“Hello, lovelies, it’s me!” The video started before Kylo realized it. He’d been letting the videos go on autoplay for the past 15 minutes. Usually she was sitting on her couch or in her bedroom, but this time it was a whiteboard with a pack of dry-erase markers next to it. “I know I’m a little late on the bandwagon, but this has been madly requested, so I’m going to give the people what they want. Let’s draw my life!”

 

Kylo could tell immediately Rey’s art skills weren’t amazing, but it was a charming style and, admittedly, much better than his. _Rey really_ is _good at everything_. “So I was born in London sometime in 1993,” she said as she drew. It was a picture of a street with a little girl, walking. “They never knew exactly how old I was because they couldn’t really tell, so I don’t know my birthday. When I was 5 or 6, I was wandering the streets of Peckham with no recollection of how I got there. To this day, I don’t know.”

 

The scene changed, and the little girl in the drawing was in an alley, an orange cat next to her. “It was a strange thing being a child on the street. I think I was there alone for a few weeks because no one really bothered or cared. Everyone had it rough there, and I was a nobody, but somebody called social services, and I was put into a foster care there in Peckham.”

 

The little girl was bigger, but she sat in a plain room with nothing that would make it seem personal. “I had five different foster homes, both good and bad, during my stay. The best one I had from the time I was 12 to 16.” The bedroom scene changed from plain to alive, with posters all over the walls and a present sitting on the girl’s lap. “They were wonderful people and treated me like a real member of their family; they paid for all my music lessons and took me on vacations and went out of their way to make my life wonderful. On my 14th birthday, my foster parents got me an HP Pavilion, my first computer. It was awful and sluggish, but it was the best thing that ever happened to me because that was the laptop that I first logged onto Tumblr with. I still have and use it to this day”

 

She started drawing the Tumblr dashboard, but some kind of old, retro version that he doubted half the current users would ever recognize. “Finn, who you may know as Sin With Finn, was one of the first blogs I followed. After we interacted on posts a few times, we fanmailed each other our Twitter handles and talked through DMs. We became best friends through there and planned to meet up after I graduated secondary school. I also started watching YouTube about this time.”

 

The scene changed from happy to a bunch of scribbling, completely wrecking the scene that had been laid out. “Plans changed. In 2009, my foster father had an unexpected heart attack and passed away, and my foster mother was so distraught and completely broke since she completely relied on her husband’s income that social services made me change foster homes again.” The board was completely black, covered in the dry-erase marker until her fingers carved out a few shapes: a bed, a nightstand, and a person—Rey—sitting on the bed.

 

“My new foster family was… they weren’t very nice. The type that was in it for the money more than me. I didn’t blame them, and I tried not to seem ungrateful since I knew that if they didn’t work out I’d most likely end up in a group home. It was a rough two years. The father was an alcoholic but didn’t come around much. The mother was decent, but there would be days she would lock me in my room and wouldn’t forget me there until I was pounding at the door because I was starving. Their son was by far the worst, though. He was older than me and would hit on me almost every day. There were days he’d follow me around school or times he’d hit me because I didn’t do what he wanted.”

 

She carved out something in the marker. It was a laptop this time, sat right in front of Rey on her bed. “I started doing YouTube that year, and it was the only thing that kept me going for a long time.” She erased most of the darkness encasing the drawing of her, leaving Rey sat once again in a plain room but with a laptop to keep her company. “In my first video, if you look closely, you can actually see my eyes darting around because I was so nervous about being caught, as well as faint bruises on my wrist. I didn’t let it stop me, though, and I started out making three videos a week, just to keep my sanity while I was there.”

 

The scene changed again, turning to something that seemed to be the outside of the house with two people facing each other. “I stayed there for about two years and put up with them because I didn’t know whether going somewhere else would be better or worse. To this day, I wish I had said something, but I can’t change that now. The one thing I am proud of, though, was the day before my 18th birthday, the last day I was to stay at their house, I punched my foster brother right in the jaw.”

 

There was Rey sitting in the hospital. “I broke my hand that day, but I don’t regret it a bit.” And then there was Rey standing in a university lecture hall. “The government techncially paid for my uni tuition, but it wasn’t for me, so I dropped out during the second year and decided to focus on my YouTube career. By this time, it was 2011, which was a hard year for me financially, but it was nothing I couldn’t handle.”

 

And then the drawing of Rey was sitting on a stool in front of a camera. “2012 was the year things really changed for me. And it was all thanks to some alcohol and a man named Poe Dameron.” She erased the image to reveal a tweet, the one that had introduced the internet to her. “A lot of things happened, but from there it was an upward spiral. A lot of stuff has happened since then, but these have been the best few years of my life thanks to all of you.”

 

The image was erased again, and there was Rey, drawing her outro page. “Thank you for watching! Please like, comment, subscribe, and, as always, I hope you have a wonderful day. Bye, lovelies!”

 

 _3:57_. Kylo’s vision was starting to blur, tiredness finally managing to grab at him. He could have gone to sleep and wake up decently rested, but the next video was already starting, and he wasn’t too bothered to stop it. Instead, he sat his phone down next to his head and closed his eyes.

 

“Hello, lovelies. Here’s my cover of La Vie En Rose by Édith Piaf. I don’t speak French, so please… pardon my French, I guess.” She giggled slightly, and Kylo felt himself smiling just a bit. A few moments later, the first notes of the song could be heard from what he assumed was a piano, an instrument he’d noticed she didn’t play much in her videos.

 

_Quand il me prend dans ses bras_

_Il me parle tout bas_

_Je vois la vie en rose_

 

_Il me dit des mots d'amour_

_Des mots de tous les jours_

_Et ça me fait quelque chose_

 

_Il est entré dans mon cœur_

_Une part de bonheur_

_Dont je connais la cause_

 

_C'est lui pour moi, moi pour lui dans la vie_

_Il me l'a dit, l'a juré pour la vie_

 

_Et dès que je l'aperçois_

_Alors je sens en moi_

_Mon cœur qui bat_

 

He didn’t speak French, not beyond the usual greetings or swear word, and he’d never heard this particular song, but the meaning was clear. For a moment, he thought the song had finished, but Rey picked up again in a more familiar version.

 

_Hold me close and hold me fast_

_The magic spell you cast_

_This is la vie en rose_

 

_When you kiss me, Heaven sighs_

_And though I close my eyes_

_I see la vie en rose_

 

_When you press me to your heart_

_I'm in a world apart_

_A world where roses bloom_

_And when you speak_

_Angels sing from above_

 

_Everyday words_

_Seem to turn into love songs_

_Give your heart and soul to me_

_And life will always be_

_La vie en rose_

 

The song ended, and Kylo was left in abrupt silence, his eyes wide open. He was alert again, the weariness he had felt only minutes ago long gone, instead replaced by an uncomfortable awareness of everything around him.

 

His heart was beating rapidly in his chest when he sat up and threw his phone into the wall. Hands twisted into his hair as thoughts swept through his head all at once. Image after image of her and her stupid smile and her stupid ukulele and her stupid fake “I love you.” He never thought he’d end up being civil with Rey, a woman who had hated his guts since 2012, let alone… this.

 

Kylo was so sure about everything in his life, but Rey?

 

Rey was his wildcard.

 

 _4:00._ The clock practically screamed it at him. He laid down, tears pricking his eyes as he could only mutter one word:

 

“Fuck.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm so, so sorry this chapter is so late ugh! I tried hard to get it out by Saturday, but I've been struggling with migraines for days, so I thought it best to lay off online until I could get better. Hope you all understand <3 And I'm praying this chapter isn't shit. I've actually rewritten it three times because I wasn't happy with how any of the drafts were turning out, which is part of the reason I was late. Anyway, hope you're enjoying and stay tuned for the next update!
> 
> Follow my Tumblr: https://reyloday.tumblr.com


	11. Taking Out The Recycling

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Things get a little... more naked

Rey talked to Kylo more than she was willing to admit. They usually didn’t go more than a few days without a backhanded compliment or obscure meme sent through their texts. When asked, she gave a different answer as to why every time. Truthfully, she wasn’t sure herself, but there really wasn’t any harm in it. He was being civil with her, almost nice sometimes. It was quite the difference compared to the years before, and she had to admit, she did kind of like him.

 

“Are you sure you have everything?” Finn asked. “We don’t need a repeat of last year. I still can’t believe you forgot shoes. Literally, how do you forget shoes?”

 

Rey threw one of her bras at the computer screen where Finn could be seen through a fuzzy camera. “I had a pair of shoes. I wore them on the plane. I just forgot all the others.”

 

“Stop throwing your undergarments at me, you heathen. I’ll burn you at the stake.”

 

“Jumping to bullshit conclusions during times of trouble is an American thing.”

 

“That’s historically inaccurate and quite rude.”

 

“Bite me.” She tossed a pair of generic brand Vans in her suitcase. “I have three hours before my flight, Finn. I’m 24 years old. I think I’ll be alright.”

 

“When was the last time you didn’t forget something major on a trip?”

 

“VidCon.”

 

Finn snorted. “You forgot your chill.”

 

“Finn!”

 

“What? It’s been four months. I’m allowed to joke about it now.”

 

“I really don’t think that’s how it works,” she muttered, stuffing a few more items into her bag. “You know, packing would be a lot easier if you wouldn’t distract me. This is why I’m always late. You’re the worst.”

 

“No, Kylo Ren’s the worst.”

 

She recognized the joke, but it didn’t stop her from shooting it down. “No, he’s not.”

 

Finn stayed silent for a few seconds, a rare occurrence. “Excuse me, did I hear what I think I just heard?”

 

“Maybe.” She didn’t meet his eyes. “I don’t know, we started that ‘Kylo Ren’s the worst’ joke so long ago, and maybe it’s time to retire it.”

 

“What? Is he your friend now or something?”

 

Rey shrugged. She couldn’t answer that two months ago when the collab was posted, and she couldn’t answer it now. “Sort of. I don’t want to talk about it.”

 

“Uh-huh. Rey from a year ago would be quaking right now.”

 

“Shut up. Kylo’s just an acquaintance and nothing more. Never has been.” A lie. It was such a blatant. Finn could tell.

 

“That is absolute bullshit. You know you wanted to bang him before he talked shit about you.”

 

“That’s different, though. Everyone wanted to bang Kylo in 2012. Literally everyone. It was the year of his glo-up. Which is what made it even more horrible. I got dissed by an attractive guy.”

 

“So you admit he’s attractive!”

 

Rey rolled her eyes shoved a few more items into her bag. For over a month’s stay, she really wasn’t bring all that much with her, but carry-ons were pricey, and Rey practically wore the same thing every day anyway. “I never said he wasn’t, but I’m really not interested in him, and I can absolutely guarantee he’s not interested in me.”

 

He flicked the camera. “Well, good. At least it won’t be awkward when you see him at Rewind.”

 

Rey groaned and collapsed onto the bed. “I hate Rewind. It’s so fucking stupid.”

 

“Yeah, well, you get about 20,000 new subscribers every time you’re featured in it, so stop complaining. Just be happy they let you switch from London to LA.”

 

“It’s their fault they moved the filming dates from October. I told them November through mid-December was my vacation time, but no. They want me to do their shitty meme video.”

 

“This is why YouTube hates you, Rey.”

 

“YouTube can delete my channel for all I care. Good riddance.”

 

“You’re insufferable,” he said, rolling his eyes. “Get packing and hurry up. You can’t be late again.”

 

“Okay, Mom.”

 

* * *

 

Like most things, Rey hated LA with a passion. It was too busy, traffic was disgusting, and it was fucking hot year-round. There was a reason Rey hated coming to VidCon, and the insufferable heat of June was most definitely one of them. Even though November was definitely much milder, she found herself missing the nip of the London air.

 

“It’s not even hot, Rey. It’s 70 degrees.” Finn repeated the same thing every time, and Rey still stood sweating.

 

“It’s November and unnatural. And stop using your stupid ‘customary’ American measurements. Be normal, please.”

 

Finn tossed her bag into the trunk of his car. “Someone’s cranky.”

 

“I’m at one of the largest airports in the world after an 11-hour flight. I just spent 40 minutes walking across the airport because I got lost and ended up at the wrong Arrivals section, and you were 20 minutes late. Don’t taunt me.”

 

“You never were a nice flier.”

 

She slid into Finn’s car and slammed the door shut. He did the same. “Honestly, this flight was horrible. I figured coming to America three weeks before Thanksgiving would be enough time, but it’s the same. There were at least three toddlers screaming while their parents did nothing about it. I was about ready to jump off that plane.”

 

“Have fun getting home. December is worse. When are you leaving?”

 

“Two days after Christmas.”

 

Someone honked at the car, and Finn flicked them off before hitting the gas. “Fucking LA,” he muttered and turned back to her. “You should stay longer. We always get so bored without you. You could spend time doing all the chores I hate doing.”

 

Rey elbowed him in the arm. “I still don’t understand how you can avoid cleaning for so long. How long has it been since you’ve done dishes?”

 

“A week or so.”

 

“What have you been eating on, dog food bowls?”

 

“No, plastic cups.”

 

“You’re disgusting.”

 

“That I am.”

 

The car ride went uneventfully besides cursing up a storm every time some idiot cut him off on the freeway. Rey had driven with Finn enough to know his habits, and most weren’t exactly what she’d call “safe,” but this was America, and America wasn’t exactly known as the epitome of safety.

 

Finn lived in Santa Monica, not the 90210 zip code he’d always wanted but a property he hadn’t had to pay a penny for. He and Rose had been living together for three or so years in a disgustingly nice house that had been left to Rose and her older sister, Paige, when their parents died. Paige had been enlisted in the military for a few years, so that meant the couple had the house to themselves the nearly the entire year.

 

Rey groaned when she opened the door in the driveway of the house, frowning at the browned grass and blinding sun. She walked up to the door, not waiting for Finn as he grabbed her suitcase and locked the car. The sudden urge to pee hit her like a brick, and it didn’t help when she opened the door and was immediately pounced on by a dog who really shouldn’t be able to run as fast as he did.

 

“Beebee, heel! I am not an intruder, you oaf.”

 

“Rey?” Rose’s voice could be heard through the wall. She came running and, blessedly, calling her evil dog. “Jesus, Beebee, come here.” The dog, an orange and white Jack Russell Terrier, did a complete 180 to go to his owner.

 

“Shouldn’t that dog be dead by now?” Rey asked, slipping off her shoes. She usually wouldn’t do so at her own place, but the house was somehow still pristine, even after years of the wreck that was Finn living inside.

 

“Don’t be mean to Beebee,” she said, picking the dog up. “He’ll pee on everything you own. Thing knows how to hold a grudge.”

 

“He’s the worst-behaved dog I’ve ever met.”

 

“I know, but Finn is still convinced he’s just misunderstood and won’t give him back to the shelter.”

 

“Damn right.” Finn shut the door and set Rey’s bag on the floor. “Don’t be mean to my dog.”

 

“He hates you. The only one he likes is Rey, and she doesn’t like dogs.”

 

“Hey, I like dogs!” She glanced at him and turned away. “No, you’re right. I don’t like dogs. I couldn’t ever own one.”

 

Finn snorted. “Good thing, too, because you barely remember to feed yourself most of the time.”

 

“Well, at least I won’t have to worry about it since you’ll be feeding me for the next month and a half. Congratulations.”

 

He tossed her bag at her, and Rey smiled. “Take it to your room. You know the way.”

 

“Sure, Peanut.” She ran off before he could pester her about using the old childhood nickname they’d dubbed each other at 14. She hiked up the stairs, dragging her suitcase behind her and wandering through the hall.

 

The house was quadruple the size of her flat back in London, and it flustered every time she looked at it. Rose’s parents did have quite good taste, something that had passed onto Rose. Finn’s influence was confined to certain parts of the house, so she didn’t find any interpretive corn art from the Midwest anywhere around the upstairs.

 

Her door was the third on the left, which led into a bedroom that was larger than her living room and kitchen combined. It was unpersonalized and plain with floor to ceiling curtains and a mattress that was far too soft for her taste. Even so, she was grateful for the space since sleeping on a couch was definitely not an option for her.

 

Finn and Rose left her alone. They always did during the few hours after she flew. Rey took advantage of the en suite bathroom and took her time showering and rubbing their disgusting Lush products all over her body. Afterward, she lied down on the bed in a bathrobe that she hoped was clean and scrolled through her phone.

 

Of course, _he_ was the first notification she had.  


**From Kylo:**

_I found a picture of you on Twitter._

_It’s quite flattering._  


Under it was an attachment of a blurry picture of Rey from circa 2010 with an atrocious fringe. It was a picture she wished was deleted from the internet. Come to think of it, she was sure she deleted off several accounts after her channel blew up. How exactly someone on Twitter found it would be a mystery.

 

Rey exited her messages and went to Skype, pushing the call button on his number. He answered almost immediately.

 

“DELETE NOW.” She didn’t give him a chance to speak.

 

“Too late. I already retweeted it.” He was sitting in the living room of his flat with no shirt and mussed hair. Knowing him, he probably wasn’t wearing pants either. A few months ago she would’ve told him to put on clothes, but it was a familiar enough sight now. “Your fans will make ten more fics of me jacking off to that picture.”

 

“Never say anything like that again.”

 

He gave her half a smile. “I’m just saying, Rey, your fans are actually insane.”

 

She rolled her eyes, adjusting her phone picture slightly. “I’m pretty sure you’re the only insane fan I have. Besides maybe the one who stalked me for a while, but you know.” To be honest, Rey wasn’t exactly sure what happened to that dude, but she hoped he’d gotten hit by a bus.

 

“Are you really comparing me to a stalker?” He was poking at her, she knew, but it was irritating nonetheless. “You can’t blame me for being a little obsessed with you.”

 

Rey shook her head. “Just a little after all we’ve been through? Wow, I’m disappointed. I’d have thought you’d be more than a little obsessed with me by now.”

 

“What do you want me to do? I could follow you around if you want, take pictures of you while you’re not looking. You know, pervy stuff.”

 

“No, you’re already creepy enough for my taste,” she said then laughed once. “This conversation took a turn.”

 

“The worst part is that this isn’t even the weirdest thing we’ve talked about.”

 

He wasn’t offended. He never was. That was part of the reason Rey thinks their so-called friendship worked so well. “Bitch, you’re right.” She slunk down further into her pillows. “Are you coming to YouTube Rewind in LA?”

 

He grimaced. “Unfortunately. My manager is making me go for publicity, but I’d skip it if I could.”

 

“Guess I’ll see you there then.”

 

Kylo didn’t respond at first, but then she noticed the wheels in his brain turning. “Don’t we go to different ones? You live in London, right? Or did I miss something?”

 

She smiled and rose the hand that wasn’t holding her phone. “Surprise. I take a trip to LA every year, but they moved up the date in London after I booked my flight, so now I’m going to LA.”

 

“Of course they did,” he mumbled. It wasn’t a secret to anyone Kylo hated Rewind and most everyone involved with it, but his manager made him do it every year anyway for publicity. “At least you get to be graced with my presence.”

 

“Knowing our luck and the trends this year we’re going to be dunking each other in slime while balancing fidget spinners on our noses.” She sighed. “I don’t think our kind has any dignity left.”

 

“You lost all your dignity when you bought that ‘Enjoy Cock’ shirt.”

 

“I WILL DELETE YOUR CHANNEL.”

 

He ignored her. “Tell me you brought it with you. Wear it to Rewind and fulfill some poor guy’s darkest fantasies.”

 

“You mean your fantasy?”

 

She could see him getting flustered, just a little bit of a tint on his cheeks. “Of course not. How disgusting do you make me out to be?”

 

“Not as disgusting as I should,” she said. “You should come over after Rewind.” When he rose an eyebrow, she went on. “At Finn and Rose’s. It’s just a bit away from the set, and their house is nice. We can have a few drinks and stuff.”

 

He was silent for a few moments. “Uh, I don’t know. I always assumed they didn’t like me. I distinctly remember saying hi to Finn once and him telling me very blatantly to fuck off.”

 

“That was my fault, remember? He’s cool, honestly. You’d like him. Poe might be there, too. I know you’ve collabed with him before.”

 

“Still, I don’t know.”

 

“Don’t make me beg you.”

 

“Don’t be a weirdo,” he mumbled. “Fine, I’ll come, but you can’t leave me alone at all. I’m not good at small talk.”

 

“Trust me, I know.”

 

“But if I die during Rewind, then none of it will matter anyway.”

 

“You’re annoying. Did you know that?”

 

He smiled just a bit, and Rey found herself doing the same. “I think you may have mentioned once or twice.”

 

Rey opened her mouth to reply but was cut off by two short knocks on the door. She clung her phone to her chest when Finn opened the door just a crack. “Are you naked?”

 

“No,” she squeaked. “What are you doing here?”

 

He opened the door wider and popped his head in. “I live here. Just wondering if you wanted some food.” She let out a breath. He hadn’t heard her. “Also, who are you talking to?” _Fuck._

 

She glanced down at her phone and pulled it away from her chest. Kylo was still there, blessedly silent and staring at her with a raised eyebrow. “Um… no one.”

 

“Excuse me?” And of course, that was the wrong reply.

 

“Who is that?” Finn walked closer, and Rey nearly shoved the phone under the duvet.

 

“It’s—”

 

“Kylo. Kylo Ren. Asshole. Asshat. Prick. Disgusting human being. Call me what you want. Who are you again?”

 

Finn stopped in his tracks and stared at Rey, ignoring her phone. “Um, what? Rey, what’s going on? Are you… videochatting with him?”

 

“I’m—”

 

“Yes, she is. I didn’t realize it was a big secret.” Rey could hear the venom in his voice. Kylo didn’t get upset by a lot, but you could always tell when he did.

 

Finn couldn’t see his face due to the tilt Rey had on her phone, which was a blessing considering he was very obviously lacking clothes. “I thought you said he was just an acquaintance. You look very comfortable with him right now. What’s that about?”

 

“Yeah, Rey, what’s that about?” The slightest bit of hurt in his voice was barely detectable now, replaced with something else—humor. He was doing this just to get a rise out of her. It was such a Kylo thing to do.

 

“This is a private conversation, asshat.”

 

“That is not my name!”

 

She ignored their little jabs and looked between them, who were both staring at her expectantly. “Uh… I guess I wasn’t completely honest about how often I talk to him.”

 

Finn snorted. “I owe Rose $10 now. Great.”

 

“What?”

 

Finn walked over toward her into an area where he could very clearly see Kylo. “Hello, Kylo.” His eyes settled on his bare chest. “Where is your shirt?”

 

“In my room.”

 

“Why don’t you go put one on?”

 

“I don’t know. Rey seems quite comfortable shirtless around me as well.”

 

“Screw you!” she shouted. “You’re the one who fuckboy Skypes me every week without a shirt.”

 

“Is that true?” Finn asked, elbowing her in the ribs.

 

Rey sighed. “Okay, so maybe I bent the truth a bit. But I can talk to whoever I want to, Finn. It’s none of your business.”

 

Finn stood up, holding up his hands in defense. “Okay, okay, I get it. Sext with Kylo all you want to. I won’t get involved.”

 

“That is not what we’re doing!”

 

“Sure, Jan,” he said, gaze flickering down to her robe and back up to her eyes. Without another word, he walked out the door, slamming it behind him, and Rey was forced to turn back to Kylo, who was staring at her with a mixture of annoyance and humor.

 

“Yeah,” she said, scratching the back of her neck, “sorry.”

 

He shook his head. “It’s fine. I get why you wouldn’t want to tell him. I’m too beautiful to share, you know.”

 

“Shut up.” She smiled. He never did.

 

“I’ll be there for drinks, but I require a proper introduction and not as some online secret friendship affair.”

 

“Okay, asshat.”

 

“Okay, Miss ‘Enjoy Cock.’ Have a good day.”

 

He hung up without giving her a chance to say goodbye.

 

She threw her phone and herself down on the bed. “Shit.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> THIS IS SO LATE Y'ALL I'M SORRY FUCK FUCK AHHH
> 
> idk what's wrong with me, but this one just wOULD NOT COME. Maybe it was TLJ hype idk. Speaking of TLJ hype, IT WAS GREAT WHAT THE HELL IM CRY? I won't spoil but _holy shit. _Anyway, this chapter was trash, but the next one will be a lot of fun, I promise.__
> 
>  
> 
> _  
> _Follow my Tumblr: https://reyloday.tumblr.com_  
>  _


	12. Slime Me, Daddy

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Things get a little... sticky. (NOT IN THAT WAY, YA NASTIES)

Rey had generally no idea what was supposed to happen in YouTube Rewind, but she could guarantee three things: Fidget spinners, slime, and visually appealing yet unnecessary transitions.

 

It was 10°C when she woke up at 07:00. It wasn’t quite cold by her standards, but she had a feeling spending all day in an outdoor shoot would take a toll on everyone involved.

 

Finn and Rose were as equally annoyed that they were forced out again, but unlike Rey, they actually enjoyed it. “Lighten up,” Rose told her in their Uber on the way. That was one perk of it. YouTube at least paid for transportation. “It’s just a dumb video.”

 

“Yeah, but we’re just doing a bunch of free work for publicity. It’s shady, tiring, and we get absolutely nothing in return. There’s a reason I hate YouTube.” She drummed her fingers on her thigh and tried to ignore the humming of their driver.

 

“It’s eight in the morning, Rey, we don’t need to get deep into a conversation about how YouTube is debatably the worst employer in existence. Just eat your muffin and be quiet.”

 

She shut up then and did indeed eat her muffin, rolling her eyes as she chewed. Her phone buzzed in her back pocket repeatedly, probably Kylo and his stupid double-texting tendencies. She didn’t look at them yet, choosing instead to stare out of the window and wonder about the consequences of jumping out of car going at 100 kilometres per hour.

 

Rey didn’t open her phone messages until she was sitting in a traffic jam about five minutes away from their actual destination. For a moment, she debated livestreaming just to bitch about how horrid LA traffic was, but she opted not to and instead went for Kylo’s messages. Sure enough, there was 5 waiting for her.  


**From Kylo:**

_Hey fuckface_

_Hope you’re ready to get dirty today_

_That sounded bad_

_Hope you’re ready to get wet today_

_Okay I’ll stop_

 

**To Kylo:**

_that was completely intentional don’t lie_

 

**From Kylo:**

_You’re the smartest_

 

**To Kylo:**

_of course I am_

_let me know when you get here_

_i want to yell at you face to face_

 

**From Kylo:**

_Always a delight, Rey_

 

Rey nearly jumped out of the car when they pulled into a parking lot. There weren’t a lot of surrounding buildings, only a few stores here and there, just a field and a giant tent with people running to and from cars. She almost slunk down into her seat to avoid going, but she was pulled by the feet from Finn.

 

“Get your ass out here, and give the YouTube Gods what they want.”

 

“No! I will not be a sacrifice!”

 

“Gods only want virgin sacrifices, Rey. We all know you’re safe.” _Poe_.

 

She sat up in the car as he approached, hair perfect as always with a new beard he’d started growing in the past few months. “Cheap shot, but I won’t deny it. Guess we’ll have to throw Finn into the volcano.”

 

“I’m not a virgin!”

 

Poe smirked. “He’s right. He’s not.”

 

“Okay!” Rose said and grabbed Rey with one hand and Finn with the other. “Let’s go or all of us are being thrown into the volcano, courtesy of me.” No one objected to Rose, knowing that if they did it wouldn’t be pretty. Besides, Rey had a feeling the poor YouTube interns would lose their shit if they were any later.

 

There was security at the entrance line, a man confirming identities of all the YouTubers. Usually it was no problem for her, but she remembered the questioning at her first Rewind back in 2013 and how it spiralled into a panic attack. She definitely felt bad for all the newbies coming this year, especially since this one was guaranteed to be a shitstorm.

 

There were several other Rewind veterans there with her, most of which she’d interacted with a time or two. Finn had been featured for the first time in 2014, Rose in 2016. Poe had the oldest YouTube account, along with the most successful channel out of all of them and had been featured in YouTube Rewind 2012. He was currently one of the few YouTubers who had been in it every year since they started featuring stars. Him and one other person, at least.

 

“You’d think they’d let us have a fast-pass by now.” _Speak of the Devil._

 

Rey didn’t need to turn to look to know it was him but did anyway. Finn, Rose, and Poe followed. “And here I was wondering why my phone wasn’t buzzing my ass every five seconds,” she said, looking up at him. One would think she’d have gotten used to his height by now.

 

“Don’t act like you don’t like it.”

 

She heard a cough behind her and turned around to Finn with an incredulous expression. “Nice to see you, Kylo. With a shirt on, too. What’s the special occasion?”

 

“Just wanna give all the fives a chance to shine, you know? I’m generous like that.” He turned to Rey. “Can we talk, one ten to another?”

 

“I’m an eleven but go on.”

 

“Damn, someone actually knows how to finish my memes.” He shook his head. “Introduce me to your friends, Rey. You’re so rude.”

 

She glared at him before turning away. “You know Poe. Everyone knows Poe. You know Finn. I’m not sure if you’ve ever met Rose.”

 

“We have,” she said.

 

Kylo rose an eyebrow. “We have?”

 

“VidCon 2014. I was a part of the staff, and you accidentally pushed me off the stage when they were setting up. At least, I hope it was an accident. You didn’t really say sorry either.”

 

Kylo was silent as all eyes rested on him. “Uh… sorry. I don’t remember that, but it sounds like something I’d do, so I believe you.”

 

Rose shrugged. “It’s fine. I just told my supervisor I sprained my ankle and got to go home, so I should be thanking you, really.”

 

“Uh, you’re welcome then?”

 

He was right. He really wasn’t good at talking to people or interacting with anyone besides herself, but at least he was getting a chance to get to know them before getting hammered at their house.

 

The wait in line was awkward and much longer than it should’ve been. Security in LA apparently was much more rigid than in London, and they took their time questioning each and every person about the validity of their ID and invitation. By the time they got to Rey, she’d been waiting for nearly an hour and was already ready to crawl back into her bed. Even Kylo had stopped making menial comments, and that was never a good thing.

 

“Name and ID?” Security asked, and Rey nearly slammed her license down at the table.

 

“Rey. I don’t mean to sound rude, but YouTube knows who’s coming, and our faces are all very publicly known, so we really shouldn’t have to put up with this bullshit.”

 

He ignored her. “Last name please.”

 

“Do you have more than one Rey?”

 

“Last name.”

 

She closed her eyes, willing herself not to fight the security guards and chew out whatever imbecile was directing this whole thing. “Smith.” Though legally her last name, she never liked it and always wished her social worker would’ve been more creative when granting her a surname.

 

“Age?”

 

“Why the hell do you need to know my age?”

 

“It’s for security, ma’am.”

 

“Probably just another way for Google to get my personal information,” she mumbled. “Twenty-four.”

 

“Date of birth?”

 

“May 12th, 1993.” It wasn’t. Legally, yes, but it was technically the date she was found by social services. She’d never know her true birthdate no matter how hard she looked.

 

“Place of birth?”

 

“Peckham.” Born there, and she’d probably die there, too.

 

The Security guard asked several more questions. So many, in fact, that she was 100% sure he was fucking with her. When he asked for her passport, she was nearly ready to take her ID back and walk all the way home. Instead, though, she felt one hand on her shoulder and another slamming down on the table.

 

“You know who I am.” She looked behind her, and, not for the first time, Kylo Ren looked like he was going to flip a table. “Everyone knows who I am. I have been sitting here for ten minutes watching her be questioned over an ID that is most definitely real. If I can guarantee that she is who she says she is, will you _please_ let her through?” He was mad. He was the YouTube poster child, and he was mad. That didn’t happen without repercussions.

 

The security guard stared at him for a few moments through narrowed eyes and, to Rey’s relief, nodded. She took Kylo by the wrist and pulled him into the opening of the tent. Inside, people were bustling everywhere, which just made Rey even more pissed off about the entire thing.

 

“You look like you’re about to punch someone,” Kylo said. Not exactly what she needed right now, but she still appreciated the thought.

 

She opted to ignore him instead of telling him to fuck off like her mind screamed at her to do. “I hate Rewind, Jesus Christ.”

 

“I know. The ones in LA are awful, but you get used to them. There’s a reason I hate coming to these things. Somebody should’ve warned you.” He nodded his head over to the opposite side of the tent. “Are you leaving or going to hair and makeup?”

 

As much as she wanted to leave, she opted to go with Kylo to hair and makeup. People were rushing around everywhere—wardrobe with clothes, set designers with numerous orange buckets, and poor interns with a tray of coffee cups in each hand.

 

Rey could sense Kylo’s unease as they waited in line for the people in front of them to get done. The makeup artists were getting everyone through as quickly as they could, but in doing so they were practically shoving people out of chairs and pulling in the next.

 

It was fifteen minutes later by the time she was finished, and Rey was almost grateful when they directed her outside. Finn, Rose, and Poe were standing off to the side, talking among themselves, when she walked up to them.

 

“Rey!” Finn draped an arm across her shoulder, which she shrugged off. “We were wondering when you were going to get finished. Check-in take a while?”

 

Rey just looked at him and hoped Finn stayed silent. A few minutes later, Kylo walked out, looking exactly the same as he did going in—perfect hair, perfect skin, perfect nose, perfect eyes, perfect—

 

“Stop ogling your boyfriend and go fuck behind a dumpster or something.” Rose poked her side, which made Rey blush even harder than she was already.

 

“He’s not my boyfriend.”

 

“But you were ogling,” Poe said. “You’re not hiding anything, you know. You can admit you like him.”

 

“I wasn’t!” She wasn’t lying. She had already admitted he was generally attractive, everyone knew she did. It wasn’t like she actually _liked_ him more than any kind of friend way. They were friends, and that was it. “You guys are seeing things that aren’t there.”

 

Poe rolled his eyes. “Okay, Susan. Just remember to use protection tonight.”

 

“You’re disgusting. He doesn’t like me that way.”

 

“I wouldn’t expect you to see it. You’re absolutely blind when it comes to love.”

 

“Well, I support Rey,” Finn said. He was usually on her side when came to men, especially if said man was named Kylo Ren. “She knows what she’s doing, who she’s doing, and she better know that I’ll never forgive her if she has sex under my roof.”

 

“You’re not my dad, Finn, calm down. I’m not having sex tonight. As far as I’m concerned, I’m more focused on getting through today without punching anyone in the face.”

 

“You could punch Kylo.”

 

“I’m not punching Kylo, Finn.”

 

“Why are we punching me?”

 

Rey whipped her head around to find Kylo staring. She silently thanked whatever god was up there for not letting him come 30 seconds earlier. “Uh, because you’re a prick.”

 

“Yes, that’s not news to me. You should see my tag on Tumblr.” She _had_ seen it technically. Many, many times. “I was talking to Hux earlier, and he said hi, by the way.”

 

“Why would Hux say hi to me?”

 

“He didn’t. He hates your guts. He’s just bitter he’s not here because his cat is sick and refuses to leave her.”

 

“Tell him I pity his cat.” She turned back to her other friends, who just kept staring at her. Kylo backed up a little and crossed his arms over his chest. He looked awkward, out of place, and she assumed it was because no one he really knew was there. It definitely wasn’t helping that her own friends stared at him like he was carrying the plague. She pressed her heel into Poe’s toe until he spoke.

 

“Uh, so, Kylo, it’s been a while. How have you been?”

 

He stared at Poe for a good five seconds before answering. “Fine. You?”

 

Poe nodded, shoving his hands in his pockets. “Good, yeah. Real good.”

 

“Nice.”

 

Rey rolled her eyes. “You’re both awful. Let’s go wait near set before the director has a conniption fit.” She grabbed both Poe and Kylo, dragging them both along, Finn and Rose just a step behind them.

 

She wasn’t sure exactly what she was watching when got near where the set. Nothing was filming yet, but there were rows and rows of orange buckets lined up with, sure enough, slime. Suddenly, the white shirts they had everyone wear made sense. She hated it already.

 

Finn forced Rey into a nearby seat and sat down to her left while Kylo stayed on her right. No one spoke, correctly sensing that she really wasn’t in the mood for chatting. It was only half-past 9, but she again wished to be back in her London flat that was always slightly too cold. Anything would be better than _this._

 

Rey knew any type of film had waiting times. She wasn’t expecting to be in and out immediately, especially not for YouTube Rewind, but she hadn’t thought waiting for several hours covered in freezing slime would be part of that deal.

 

She had over 9 million subscribers, which meant she was a high-priority star, as conceited as it sounded. The other high-priority stars included Kylo, Poe, and any other big name YouTuber. That meant they shot first, and, technically, left first. But this also meant that everyone else was forced to wait hours upon hours for them to shoot.

 

Rey shot her scenes within an hour along with Kylo, Poe, and a few others. The director basically told her to throw slime and look happy, so she did neither of those things. Realistically, she knew that the quicker she cooperated, the quicker she could leave, but this was different. This was LA, and she hated LA. This was YouTube Rewind, and she hated YouTube. And this was Kylo Ren, and she kinda hated Kylo Ren, too.

 

“Throw the slime, Rey!”

 

So she did.

 

Right into Kylo Ren’s (beautiful) face.

 

He stopped in his tracks and pulled it off himself, staring at the substance for a moment before throwing it right back at her. She ducked, but it caught her forehead instead, which was, arguably worse.

 

They stared at each other for a few moments, and Rey wasn’t sure whether she wanted to laugh or punch him in his (beautiful) face. Before he could do anything, he peeled the slime off himself and tossed it over his shoulder.

 

“Perfect! Can y’all do it again?” When Rey shot him a glare, the director shut up and pointed for the other YouTubers to join them on set.

 

* * *

 

Rey filmed for a grand total of two hours out of the whole 10 hours she was there. She could’ve left earlier technically, but she’d promised Finn, Rose, and Poe to stay. Considering they were her ride, she really had no choice anyway.

 

Kylo stayed, too, even if he didn’t have to.

 

“This was ridiculous,” Rey said on their walk to the awaiting Uber. “We’ve been here since eight in the morning for no reason.”

 

“You could’ve left.” Finn’s arm was wrapped around Rose, who leaned against him. They’d been working much longer than she had, but most of their time had been spent waiting for their turn on set, despite being requested there much earlier than they really needed to be.

 

“I wasn’t just gonna leave you,” she said. “Besides, if I left I’d have to be alone with your rat dog, and I’m not about that.”

 

“Leave Beebee out of this.”

 

Rey rolled her eyes but stayed silent as they arrived in the parking lot. A large, black SUV waited for them, and she silently prayed their dirty clothes wouldn’t leave any damage on the leather interior. If it did, though, YouTube definitely had the means to pay for it.

 

As everyone loaded into the vehicle, Rey looked at Kylo, who had stayed silent the entire time. She didn’t actually realize _how_ awkward he was around people until she saw him interact with her friends. He was completely different from the stupid prick who had called her unprofessional all those months ago.

 

“You coming with?” she asked, holding the door open. Finn, Rose, and Poe peered out at them from the Uber.

 

“Uh…” He looked between her and another car that was waiting behind them. “I feel like I should shower.”

 

“You can do that at their place. It’s fine.”

 

“I just met them, Rey. I can’t just shower in their home.”

 

She rolled her eyes. “They have six bathrooms, Kylo. You won’t be in the way. It’s fine. Besides, your hotel room is all the way on the other side of town.”

 

“God, you’re such an asshole,” he said under his breath. He nodded anyway, though, and followed her into the car. “I’ve got to leave before 11, alright?”

 

Rey leaned over him to close the door and tried not to think about how tightly their thighs were pressed together. It was stupid how aware of him she was. She didn’t even _like_ him that much. He was attractive, but not overwhelmingly so. So what, he had nice thighs? It’s not like she hadn’t imagined some dude with nice thighs fucking her before. He was no exception.

 

The drive back to Finn and Rose’s seemed much longer than the that morning. Kylo’s legs were squished against the seat in front of him, and his knee kept bouncing up and down. She understood why he was nervous, but she never realized how serious he was about it.

 

“Hey,” she said, setting a hand on his. Her voice was low as she surveyed the other passengers in the car. Rose was in the front passenger seat, fiddling with the radio, and Finn was squished next to Rey with his nose stuck in his phone, while Poe was half-asleep in the third row behind them. “Are you okay? Like, honestly?”

 

He glanced at for a moment before settling his eyes on her hand. “Yeah, perfect.”

 

“Okay. I didn’t mean to imply that you _had_ to come, by the way. I just… wanted you to meet my friends and stuff. Get to know them.”

 

“Why? I mean, they’re great, but it’s not like I’m your boyfriend. People can be friends without being mutual friends with everyone in their group.”

 

Rey removed her hand from his then, sliding it back into her lap as the sting of rejection hit. He was right. He _wasn’t_ her boyfriend. Why did she feel as if she had to get everyone’s approval to be friends with him? “I’m sorry. I… I don’t know. I’ve always had a tight-knit group of friends. I just wanted you all to like each other. Sorry if I made you uncomfortable or anything.”

 

Kylo shook his head. “That’s not what I meant. You didn’t make me uncomfortable, and I do like your friends. I’m just not the best at talking. Which you obviously know.” She smiled. “I guess it’s just surprising. Like, a few months ago we weren’t friends. At all. In any way, shape, or form.”

 

“Times change. It’s part of growing up. I couldn’t hold a grudge forever. Sure, it still stings sometimes, but whatever. You’re alright sometimes.”

 

“Nice to know.”

 

Rey pinched his forearm and opened her mouth to respond but was cut off by a buzzing in her back pocket. She knew it was probably rude to interrupt their conversation, but she had the sneaking suspicion he really wouldn’t mind.

 

Besides the thousands of Twitter notifications she never bothered to turn off, there were three text messages, the most recent one being from Finn.

 

**From Finn:**

_You are not fucking him in my house, Rey, I swear to god_  


Rey glanced back over at Kylo, who was drumming his fingers on his knee and staring out the window, and typed out a quick reply before closing out her messages:

 

**To Finn:**

_we’ll see_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> LOOK WHO'S ON TIME! IT ME! I actually finished this chapter like 10 minutes ago, but it really didn't feel like a chore to write. I know I promised lots of fun this chapter, but it ended up being less fun than I thought. The next chapter will definitely be for ya nasties. (Whatever could happen? Hmmm.) Anyway, thanks for so much for so much feedback on the last chap! I'm so glad y'all (ESPECIALLY my new readers i love y'all) are enjoying this trash fic. 
> 
> Follow my Tumblr: https://reyloday.tumblr.com


	13. Nine Shots Of Fire Water, One Shot To The Heart

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Things get a little... um...  
> Don't drink, kids.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter is quite long (4600 words), so before you start be sure to get a snack or something before settling down. Also, for anyone reading this as a completed work (If it ever gets there lmao) GO TO BED AND COME BACK IN THE MORNING. 
> 
> One more thing, there are a few trigger warnings I'm gonna put here just in case: Heavy drinking (Much heavier than the first chapter), small reference to past rape, and consent issues. If any of this makes you uncomfortable, it may be best to turn back or skip the last fifth of the chapter. Stay safe, loves, and take care of yourself <3

The car ride was quiet for the most part, the silence only being penetrated by the sound of shitty pop music through the radio. Kylo didn’t participate much in any of the lacking conversation, but he did notice when Finn and Rey started glaring at each other halfway to the house. He’d kept quiet for now, but maybe he’d ask her later about it in private.

 

Finn and Rose’s house was quite impressive, and he wondered how such a young couple earned enough to buy a house definitely worth more than two million dollars. He almost asked but stopped when he remembered that really wasn’t a question you ask an acquaintance. Perhaps he could get it out of him when he was drunk.

 

Rey led him into the house, and he followed her silently up the stairs. Slime was stuck in his hair and stained his shirt about eight different colors, despite how the directors claimed it wouldn’t. It just made him more pissed off with the entire thing if he was being honest.

 

“Here’s the bathroom,” Rey said, leading him into a guest bedroom. “There should already be towels in there. I can see if Finn has an extra T-shirt for you to borrow.”

 

“I can’t wear his clothes.” Kylo knew Finn didn’t like him, so he couldn’t imagine him willingly giving him any clothes to wear.

 

“It’s fine. I steal his clothes all the time. He won’t mind.” She started walking toward the door.

 

“You know you really should stop offering out other people’s stuff out without permission, right?”

 

Rey shrugged. “Maybe.” 

 

With that, she closed the door, leaving Kylo alone in the bedroom. He sighed and walked into the bathroom, closing the door behind him and turning on the water. He still felt awkward about showering in a stranger’s house, but the room he was in seemed fairly secluded from the rest of the place, so he just tried to focus on getting done as fast as possible.

 

He took off his clothes quickly and slipped into the shower, which was slightly too hot for his taste. He appreciated the way it burned his skin, though, and ran it over his hair as he dug out the leftover pieces of slime. He was surprised the shower head was tall enough for him since he usually had to bend down at any place except his own, but he appreciated it.

 

Kylo still wasn’t sure why Rey dragged him here, honestly. She had explained it enough in the car—she wanted him to meet her friends and be friends with them as well—and really it should’ve been enough for him, but there was a small part of his mind that hoped there was more to it than that.

 

He wasn’t sure when he and Rey became friends, not really. There was the collab, and maybe that’s where most people would consider their strange relationship started, but it was far more complicated than that. Even before they officially met, there was always something more.

 

Kylo would’ve denied any kind of feelings toward her after VidCon. The truth was, there really wasn’t much at all. He’d thought she was attractive and wouldn’t have minded spending one insignificant night with her if she’d wanted him. After their collab when he’d fallen asleep at her flat before she told him to leave, he’d be lying if he said he didn’t think about what would’ve happened if she’d asked him to stay. And after really seeing her videos, he couldn’t deny the feelings that he felt for her.

 

It was stupid, so stupid. It was obvious Rey didn’t feel anything for him. She’d made it clear today, but still he hoped. He hoped that maybe this was her getting her friends’ approval for him, which was stupid in itself considering she was a grown woman and could make her own decisions.

 

Anymore it felt like his life was based on false hope. Rey could never love him, no matter how hard he tried to get her to. It was silly to think she could. He was wasting his time even thinking about her like this. It wasn’t like she was standing in a shower thinking about his feelings toward her. She was most likely in the shower, yes, but even imagining her thinking about him in any way, shape, or form was laughable, especially at her most vulnerable.

 

That image in general did something to him. Even if she wasn’t thinking about him, there was nothing wrong with a little false hope here and there. 

 

He could just imagine her standing there under the heat of the water, naked, with fingers between her legs. He’d thought about her before during restless nights where he just couldn’t find comfort or release. He’d thought about her more than he’d like to admit, honestly, and regretted it every time. No matter how hard he tried to will the image away, he couldn’t stop his cock from growing hard.

 

Water ran down, dripping from his hair as he pressed one hand to the tile of the wall and the other to his cock. He was painfully hard, just like every time she showed up in his mind in this way. He hated the vivid image, how he could almost imagine her being next to him. It only made it hurt so much more when she wasn’t.

 

He could almost project her here if he tried, could try and think about how she’d feel against him. She’d be soft, probably, small under him even if she was by no means a small woman. He could imagine the taste of her lips when he kissed them and the sound of her whimpers when he touched her. There was so much of her to feel, to memorize, and he knew he never could.

 

Kylo couldn’t remember when his hand started moving against his cock, but he was grateful for the friction as he neared his climax. It hurt more than it was pleasurable, but somehow it felt  _ right _ . He deserved it for thinking these things about her when she didn’t reciprocate these feelings. He deserved it for imagining how she’d look naked, splayed out on his mattress like a work of art as he took her over and over again. He deserved it for imagining things that would never ever be there.

 

His orgasm came, and he spilled into his hand with a familiar feeling of guilt flooding over him. His lip quivered as the cum washed off his hand and the tile of the shower floor, memories that he’d pushed down now threatening to make another appearance. No, there was no time for that. Instead of his usual post-orgasm cry, he sucked it up and turned off the water.

 

Kylo dug a towel out of the closet and wrapped it around his waist. The mirror was fogged up, so he wiped it away with the heel of his hand, and the face that stared back was one of shame. His heart clenched in his chest. He forced himself to look away. 

 

He dressed quickly, slipping on his underwear and jeans since neither were too ruined by the slime, and noticed an unfamiliar shirt draped across the bed. It hadn't been there before, so someone must've gone into the room while he was showering. The thought of someone hearing him quickly infiltrated his mind, and he tried to push the thought away. The water would've drowned out any noise he had made. At least he hoped.

 

Kylo slipped on the shirt and tried not to think too much about where it came from. He hovered a hand over the doorknob, swallowing the lump in his throat, and opened the door. The hall was deserted but voices were carrying from downstairs, so he followed them down to a living room where Rose and Poe sat. Both had new clothes and wet hair.

 

Kylo sat down on a chair and tucked his hands into his lap, trying to avoid making eye contact with the people next to him. The silence was thick and awkward, and he desperately hoped that Rey would be down with her shower soon.

 

“So, Kylo, how's everything in New York?” It was Rose. She was a sweet girl, even if he'd never really heard of her before today, and he tried not to visibly express his distaste for the question. He never was really any good at small talk.

 

He cleared his throat before speaking. “Um, good.” When she just stared at him, he went on. “I've got some good projects to work on and stuff. You know.”

 

Rose nodded. “Yeah. Rey’s been telling me about that stuff. She never shuts up about you. Then again, Finn’s constant pestering doesn't help.”

 

Kylo felt his face flushing, and he hoped it wasn't visible to her. He hadn't expected Rey to talk to them about him at all, let alone all the time. Maybe she was just exaggerating. “Really? Uh, she's a good friend.”

 

_ Friend. _ Yes. That was absolutely what he meant.

 

Instead of commenting, Poe stood up and began walking toward the kitchen. “I'm getting a beer. Want one, Kylo, Rose?”

 

Rose simply nodded, but Kylo added a small “Sure” and hoped Poe could hear him. Maybe it would help calm his nerves. His knee bounced as he waited, subconsciously at first until it was something to focus on so that he didn't have to state into the eyes of people he barely knew. 

 

To be fair, he had met Poe long before Rey, but they didn't keep in touch much and only talked to each other every few months. It wasn't for any particular reason, just that their personalities were vastly different, as well as Poe being one of the busiest people he'd ever met.

 

To Kylo’s relief, Poe came back with three beers in hand and handed one to each of them. He didn’t sip it right away, instead cradling it in his lap as Rose and Poe started drinking. In the back of his mind, he knew he was probably going to the most sober one in the house in a few hours. The thought was unsettling, but at least they won’t remember whatever embarrassing thing he was bound to say.

 

The stairs creaked, and Kylo turned around, hoping it was Rey. Instead, he made eye contact with Finn, who was dressed in a t-shirt and sweatpants. He stared at Kylo with something just short of a glare and walked past him into the kitchen. He came out with a beer and sat down next to Rose.   
  


“Enjoying yourself?” he asked, drumming his fingers on the side of his beer. Rose glanced at him and pinched his arm. “I mean, uh, how are you?”

 

Kylo glanced down at his beer. “Um, good.”

 

Finn nodded. “Good, then.”

 

“Yeah.”

 

Rose let out a sigh and took a drink of her beer. “Listen, boys, I am not spending the entire night with you staring at each other like you want to throw down in the backyard. Either you go do it now or work it out somehow. Please, for my sake.”

 

“Sorry,” Kylo said. “I’m… not good at small talk.”

 

Finn gave a hint of a smile. “You’re okay, I guess. But you’re still an asshole, and I don’t plan on changing my opinion anytime soon.”

 

“That’s cold,” Poe said and threw a throw pillow at him.

 

“I deserve it, I guess.” Kylo took a drink of his beer finally and winced at the taste. He never liked that brand. Or beer in general, technically. “I don’t know. I’m just here because Rey wouldn’t let me forget it if I didn’t come.”

 

“Sounds like her,” Finn said. “Where is she, anyway? She usually doesn’t take this long.”

 

“Didn’t you see her? The director had her drenched in slime. She was ready to murder someone the entire shoot.” Rose flipped through her pictures for a moment before settling on one and showing it to the group. Rey in the picture was flicking off the camera while three other people stood behind her, engaged in what he assumed was a slime fight. Not a picture to post on social media, but it was one he debated asking to be sent to him in private.

 

The room was silent for several minutes after that, everyone resorting to go onto their devices instead of attempting to make any more awkward attempts at conversation. Kylo didn’t blame them, honestly. His very presence seemed to make them uncomfortable, so much so that he almost debated leaving until he heard footsteps from upstairs.

 

Rey appeared in the living room with wet hair and bare feet. She seemed to be in a much better mood already, and Kylo was grateful when she sat near him. “Did I miss anything? You all seem to be making such thrilling conversation.” Sarcasm obviously, but he was grateful for any kind of break from the silence.

 

“Totally,” Rose said, not looking up at them. “We were just talking about your showering habits.”

 

He wasn’t sure if he imagined Rey’s face turning bright red. “You guys are creeps.” She turned to Kylo and stole the beer out of his lap, ignoring all of his minimal protests. “Sorry, I’m not getting up.”

 

“Wow, I’m hurt,” he said, typing out a message to Hux and hitting send before slipping his phone back into his pocket. He really didn’t care all that much since he probably wouldn’t have drunk it, anyway. He’d had his run with alcohol in college and had done enough with beer to last a lifetime. He had a feeling by the night was over, he’d be hoping for something stronger.

 

She took a drink and set the can on the floor. “Alright, so obviously none of you are good at discussing anything except my shower habits, so we’re gonna do something else. Any suggestions?”

 

“Spin the bottle?” Rose offered out, not looking up at them.

 

“We are not playing spin the bottle. That will not end well.” She glanced at Kylo before grabbing the beer can from the floor and taking another drink.

 

Kylo suddenly missed having something to keep him busy and almost took out his phone. “How long are you making me stay again?”

 

She rolled her eyes. “You’re not a prisoner. You can leave at any time, but I’d love it if you stayed. Just drink, loosen up, and you’ll feel better.” She offered him her—his, technically—beer, and he took it.

 

He could feel her friends’ eyes on them as he took a drink. Sharing drinks and food was nothing to them since Rey seemed to take whatever she wanted at any time, but it still made him flustered when she did it, even if sharing saliva was the least romantic thing you could do.

 

“I say we smoke some dope,” Poe said.

 

“You’ve never smoked a day in your life. Shut up, Poe.”

 

He snorted. “Yeah, right. I doubt you could handle it.”

 

“It’s really not that bad,” Kylo said, and all eyes turned to him. “Being high is weird, but people exaggerate it a lot.”

 

“And you know this how?” Finn asked, raising an eyebrow.

 

“I was young once. I went to NYU. Hung out with a bunch of art and theater majors. We’d smoke sometimes. I stopped once I graduated. No big deal.” It was the most he’d spoken all night, but it was apparently the most interesting thing he’d ever mentioned.

 

“And here I thought you were a huge nerd,” Rose said.

 

“I was. I am still, technically, but I’m a… more attractive nerd with a degree now.” Somehow this line of conversation felt comfortable, safe. It wasn’t too deep or embarrassing yet. Those conversations had to wait until everyone was at least tipsy. “Did any of you go to college?”

 

Rey opted to get up then and offered to get more drinks. She came over with an open case of beer and set it on the coffee table. As everyone grabbed another can, Poe began telling the story about how he guessed on every single question on his SATs because he didn’t study and happened to get nearly every question right, so he got admission to nearly any college he applied for. Kylo figured they all had heard it before since none of them seemed to be listening.

 

After that, things got more comfortable. They all drifted in and out of conversation, and there were minimal awkward silences as the night went on. At around 9:30, Finn got out a bottle of vodka and set out a shot glass for each of them. Everyone had had at least two beers by that time, but no one really seemed to be feeling anything. Obviously Finn had a fix for that.

 

Kylo liked vodka more than beer, just slightly. It was what he’d turn to the nights he’d wanted to feel numb, and he always made sure he had a bottle on hand. Tonight wasn’t one of those nights, though. There was no use in turning to his 22-year-old self in front of people he barely knew and a girl he liked, even if it sounded very much like a situation he’d find himself in in college.

 

The first three shots were fine. By the fifth, he decided to cut himself off just to play it safe. No one really noticed when he denied a sixth refill, all of them more focused on their current drink and whatever topic they were discussing then.

 

“You know, Rey, I can never drink with you and not remember your video.” Poe was at least on his eighth shot, and it was showing. His words were slurring, but he was mostly legible and seemed relatively alert. “It’s still, like, my favorite video ever.”

 

“We don’t speak of that video. It doesn’t exist.” Rey was clingy when she was drunk, evident by the way she pressed into Kylo and interlocked their hands. He tried not to think too much about, but it was hard when she was close enough to smell her hair.

 

Not that he did.

 

That would be creepy.

 

Finn snorted. Rose was already asleep, head laid on his lap as he pet her hair. “You sure? If I recall, the last viewcount you had on it was, what, 30 million? I think it’s quite existing.”

 

“Existent.”

 

“My point exactly.”

 

Rey giggled and poured another shot of vodka, downing it in a second. Even Kylo had to admit it was good quality and was grateful that it didn’t taste like he was downing rubbing alcohol like in his freshman year of college. He almost worried about Rey getting carried away but decided not to comment on it, even if she was really near the point she should cut it off.

 

“We should put it on!” Poe grabbed the remote to the TV and switched it to YouTube. Rey jumped up from the couch and tried to wrestle the remote from him, but he clicked on it just by typing in “Rey is drunk.”

 

“Turn it off!”

 

“Keep it on, Poe!” Finn shouted from the couch, not even bothering to keep his voice down for his sleeping girlfriend.

 

The video was demonetized as always, so it started immediately with Rey sitting on a stool and beginning her drunk rambling. As Video Rey did this, the real Rey shoved Poe lightly and collapsed onto the couch, seemingly unbothered by the fact that she was half-sitting on Kylo’s lap. She was totally drunk, but not completely incoherent quite yet. 

 

The video went on for a few minutes with Video Rey practically in the same state as she was in in real life. The flush on her face was visible, and Kylo wasn’t even sure if it was from the alcohol or embarrassment. Finally, it ended, and Rey snatched the remote from Poe. 

 

“Are you happy?” she asked. Her words were slurring now, but she seemed to not notice as she went in for another drink. 

 

Kylo grabbed the bottle out of her hands and set it back onto the table. “I think that’s enough for you. Maybe try drinking some water.”

 

Rey glared at him and grabbed the bottle back and moved away from him. “This’ll be my last one, alright?”

 

“Rey, you do not hold your alcohol well,” Poe said. Finn was passed out, head tipped back and snoring slightly. “Kylo’s right.”

 

She took a swig from the bottle, the equivalent of at least two more shots. “It’s fine!” Poe grabbed the bottle out of her hand anyway and walked to go put it in the kitchen. Rey pouted and slumped down onto the couch.

 

“We should watch Netflix,” Poe said when he got back. “Ever seen Stranger Things?”

 

Kylo shook his head, and Rey gasped. “You haven’t? Have you been living under a rock?”

 

“No, I just don’t like little kid shows.”

 

She shook her head. “You don’t know what you’re missing. Come on, put it on, Poe.”

 

Kylo stood up.  “I said I needed to leave by 11, Rey. It’s almost midnight.”

 

“Really?” She glanced up at the clock on the wall and back at him. “Oh. Well, thanks for coming. Maybe next time.”

 

He wasn’t sure if she was conning him, he really wasn’t. Rey really wasn’t manipulative when she was sober, so he doubted she was trying to guilt him into staying, but  _ God _ , it was working. Sighing, he sunk back into the couch and tried to ignore the fluttering in his chest when she leaned into him. “Just one episode.”

 

Poe started the show. He really tried paying attention, but the exhaustion and the alcohol was catching up to him, and he eventually found his mind drifting off. Rey didn’t make it through half the episode before she fell asleep against him. He had no idea why she was clinging to him so much, but it wasn't like he minded.

 

Kylo wasn’t sure when he fell asleep, but it was before the episode ended. The next thing he remembered was Poe’s touch on his back and telling him and Rey it was past 2:00. The room was dark, but he could see the outline of Finn and Rose heading upstairs and Poe following them.

 

Sighing, he shook Rey until she stirred. “Come on, let me take you upstairs.”

 

She nodded and accepted his hand to stand, shaking slightly on her feet. The alcohol seemed to have worn off slightly, but she still stumbled walking and had to hold onto his shoulder as she walked up the stairs.

 

“Sorry… I made you stay a lot longer than you wanted to,” she said as they turned down the hallway, words slurring badly. 

 

He shook his head. “It’s fine.”

 

“You gonna get home okay?”

 

“Yeah, I’ll order an Uber and wait outside.” He tried tugging her along, but she stopped. “What’s wrong?”

 

“Kylo, I… you can stay if you want.”

 

“What?” He’d already thought about just crashing in the bedroom he’d showered in, but that would’ve led to an awkward morning, and that was not something he could deal with with a possible hangover.

 

“You can stay. With me, I mean.”

 

_ With her? She couldn’t mean… _ “Rey, I’m not quite understanding what you’re saying.”

 

Without another word, she pressed his back into the hallway wall and set both hands on his chest. “I want you to fuck me.”

 

His voice caught in his throat. “You… what?” 

 

“Kylo…” She brushed her lips against his neck and pressed her body against his. “You heard me. Please.”

 

He debated for a moment and kicked himself immediately for it. “Rey, you’re drunk.”

 

“Yeah, so? You are, too.” Her hands were trailing down his sides and found their way under his shirt.

 

He hissed when her skin touched his. He wanted her. He wanted her so badly, and here she was saying he could have her right now. He’d be lying if he said he didn’t consider it. It would be so easy to take her into her bedroom and fuck her until the sun rose. It would be so easy to make her moan and say his name and everything he ever wanted her to do. It would be so, so easy.

 

But too easy.

 

He wanted sex, yeah, but not like this. He never even considered this.

 

“Rey, no.”

 

She backed up then and shook her head. “I-I don’t understand. I thought you wanted me. You’ve been touching me all night. Finn and Rose and Poe said you did. I… thought you wanted me.”

 

“Rey, you’re drunk. You’re not thinking straight.”

 

“I’m not that dr—”

 

“You had at least nine shots of vodka and three beers. You’re drunk, and I don’t fuck drunk people.”

 

“Normal people do it all the time. It’s—”

 

“It’s not okay. Anyone who’d have sex with you right now is a fucking asshole, and I refuse to be some one night stand. I don’t want you like this, Rey. I said no, and I meant it. I suggest you go to bed right now.”

 

Rey shook her head, lip quivering. “No, you’re an asshole. If you don’t want me, fine. Leave then. I could do so much better than you.”

 

Kylo opened his mouth to speak but closed it and walked down the stairs before he could say anything else he’d regret. He opened the door and closed it as quietly as he could behind him. 

 

It was almost 2:30 before he finally ordered an Uber and waited on a patio bench for his car to arrive. A few minutes later, the door opened again. He was terrified it was Rey again but was relieved yet confused when Finn appeared.

 

He was still in the clothes he’d gone to bed in, with the addition of a robe to accompany the slight chill in the air. “Hey.”

 

Kylo didn’t meet his eyes. “Hi.”

 

Finn walked over and sat down next to him on the bench. “I heard you talking to Rey.”

 

“You did?” 

 

He was waiting to be chewed out for talking to Rey like that, but what he got was completely different. “Thank you.”

 

“What?” he asked, not for the first time that night.

 

“It sounds weird, I know,” Finn said. “Thank you for telling Rey what you did. It was something she needed to hear.”

 

Kylo shook his head. “You’re thanking me for that?”

 

“Yeah. You were right not having sex with her. I know… I know you like her. You could have done anything to her, and I know she would have let you, but you said no. I appreciate that.”

 

“I know she was drunk, but why was she so adamant about doing it? She was convinced it wasn’t wrong. I-I don’t get it.”

 

“Because she doesn’t know. She…” Finn stopped and chewed on his lip for a moment. “She’s had boyfriends that would take advantage of her like that. She’d call me sometimes afterwards crying, and I… I never could help her. I told her to dump them, but she was always convinced she was fine and they were fine and… I shouldn’t be telling you this. Uh, don’t tell Rey I told you, alright?”

 

Kylo nodded. “I won’t.”

 

“I-I just wanted to explain why. She wasn’t trying to be malicious or anything. She likes you a lot, Kylo. She loves being your friend, as much as it irritates me. Try not to hold this against her if you can, okay?”

 

“Okay.”

 

“Good.” Finn patted his shoulder and stood up, opening the door just a crack before Kylo stopped him.

 

“Finn?”

 

“Yeah?”

 

“Make sure she’s okay.”

 

Finn smiled, just a bit. “I will. Promise.” With that, he entered the house and shut the door behind him, leaving Kylo alone in the darkness.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> .................  
>  Sup.  
> This was early, right? You're welcome. I got so many comments last chapter, it was so crazy! I'm stoked to hear y'all are enjoying this! I actually got done with this chapter on Monday and wanted to post ASAP, but I had to refrain lmao. Hope the wait wasn't too bad.  
> I know this chapter wasn't what a lot of you were expecting, but I'm hoping y'all get why I couldn't do that. The decisions made in this chapter establishes a lot more than you think in terms of trust and relationships, which you'll see the effects of soon. Anyway, thanks for so much support on this story!  
> Follow my Tumblr: https://reyloday.tumblr.com


	14. Things Not Worth Remembering

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Things get a little... more festive

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Trigger warning: Slight, non-graphic mentions of rape and vomiting

Last night, Rey expected to wake up naked and next to Kylo Ren.

 

Instead, she found herself fully-clothed, alone, and sporting a crippling headache.

 

The first time she woke up, the first thing she did was run into the bathroom and throw everything she’d consumed in the past 12 hours up. Luckily, she’d made it to the toilet, but she was left with a raw throat and a head that still pounded against her skull. When she made her way back to bed, she noticed a glass of water and two tablets of ibuprofen on the nightstand.

 

The second time she woke up, it was due to an extremely loud thud from the first floor, which made her wince, despite the meds she took. Still feeling like she fell off a cliff, Rey went back to sleep.

 

The third time she woke up, it was natural, but that didn’t make it any less horrible.

 

The sheets were completely thrown off the bed, sunlight flooding the room. Rey blinked several times to steady her vision and managed to make out the time on the clock: 11:13. She’d slept for nine hours, not bad considering the activities of the past night. Probably a mixture of the alcohol and exhaustion.

 

Rey stood up slowly, trying not to agitate the pain in her head, slipped her phone into her pocket, and walked toward the door, stumbling a bit as she did. The alcohol had plenty of time to wear off, but her legs ached as she made her way out into the hall. There were voices coming down from the hallway—Finn and Rose most likely—and the air smelled like pancakes (Fake American pancakes, yes, but still pancakes).

 

“Good morning,” she mumbled when she entered the kitchen, rubbing at her eyes. Finn was cooking pancakes, eggs, and sausage, while Rose sat on a barstool, scrolling Twitter. She walked over and sat next to her. “Where’s Poe?”

 

“Still sleeping. Drank a lot last night.” Finn didn’t meet her eyes, instead paying an unneeded amount of attention to the food in front of him. It was unsettling. Something was wrong. She knew Finn, and that was never a good tone.

 

She looked over at Rose, who also kept her eyes fixed on her phone. That wasn’t necessarily an uncommon occurrence, but it was different somehow. Rose wasn’t really scrolling, and her eyes flickered back and forth between Finn and her phone.

 

“Is… everything okay?”

 

Finn visibly stiffened and flashed her a smile. “Yeah.”

 

“Don’t lie to me.”

 

“No, it’s…” He sighed and set both hands on either side of the stove. “Do you remember what happened last night?”

 

Rey paused and thought back. “Mostly, yeah. We came home, showered” —She left out the detail of her short masturbation session, a secret she’d die with— “had a few drinks and got a bit drunk, and fell asleep watching Stranger Things. Why?” It seemed mostly innocent in her mind, even if she thought about pulling Kylo into the bathroom and fucking him several times.

 

Rose glanced at Finn before standing up and walking off. “I’m gonna go check on Poe,” she said from the stairs.

 

Rey turned back to Finn. “What happened? Is everything okay?”

 

“Uh, well, a couple things happened.” He slid a pancake onto the plate sat next to him and turned off the stove. He walked over and sat next to her on the stool, setting the plate and a bottle of syrup in front of her. “You should eat.”

 

“Finn, stop changing the subject.”

 

“I’m not! I just… You got really, really drunk last night.”

 

“Oh god.” She grabbed the syrup and spread it over the pancake as a distraction. “What did I do now?”

 

“You fell asleep on Kylo.” He reached over to set a fork on her plate. “Poe woke you both up after 2 this morning, so he helped you to bed.” Finn paused, drumming his fingers on the counter.

 

“What happened? Did he… Did he come on to me?” She never thought of him as the type of person who’d do that. Then again, she never thought any of her other boyfriends would be like that either. Could she be friends with him after that? Could she trust him?

 

Finn shook his head. “No, quite the opposite, actually. Uh, I’m not sure exactly what you said, but it sounded like you came onto him really hard, and he said no because you were really drunk. You got mad and started calling him names and stuff. I was going to come out and get involved, but I heard him leave.” He paused and sat a hand on her knee. “When I came out, you were sobbing in the hallway. You were convinced he hated you, that you weren’t good enough, that you were ugly, and a bunch of other things. I sat with you for ten minutes because you were inconsolable and wouldn’t go to bed.”

 

She didn’t say anything. There was nothing she _could_ say. There were no memories yet, none. Had she actually been that drunk? She thought she’d stopped at four shots since that was usually her limit until she started getting stupid.

 

“I had to carry you back to bed. I don’t know how you made it up the stairs. You could barely walk.”

 

“I didn’t know. I-I don’t remember.” If there was a part of drinking she hated, it was when she lost her memory. It usually didn’t happen, but sometimes there’d be nights where she tried to drown out something and one thing would lead to another, and she’d wake up with no memory of the night until days later. “What did he do?”

 

He shrugged. “Nothing, really.  He told you no, said you were too drunk to be making those kinds of decisions. He was right. You weren’t. If he did, I would’ve kicked his ass. You’ve been through too much of that bullshit.”

 

Tears welled in her eyes and trailed down her cheeks, despite how much she tried to blink them away. “I-I didn’t know. I wanted to fuck him, but I didn’t really plan on pursuing it. I knew you’d kill me if I fucked him in your house. It was just some… weird fantasy. I-I can’t—”

 

“Rey,” he said, grabbing a napkin from the counter and pressing it to her cheeks, “I should’ve stopped you from drinking so much. It was my fault. I wasn’t thinking. I’m a horrible friend, I’m sorry.”

 

She shook her head. “No, Finn, I’m an adult. I should be able to look after myself.”

 

“We’ve talked about this before. You have to stop drinking so much. After the last time… I can’t deal with ever seeing you like that again. I always told you your boyfriends were horrible. You have no idea how much it killed me to wake up to you hysterical on the phone because you’d wake up naked in your flat and not remember anything for days, and then suddenly the memory of you getting drunk with your boyfriend comes back and—”

 

“Stop. Please.” Her face was in her hands as her stomach clenched. “I get it. I should stop letting people take advantage of me.”

 

“That’s not what I meant.”

 

“It’s what you said.” She wiped away her tears and sat up a little straighter. “I’m sorry. I know what you meant. I… I know I should stop. I will. I just figured this was a safe place to let go. I didn’t know I’d do that to him. God, I feel so bad. I probably made him so uncomfortable. Maybe I was wrong. Maybe he actually doesn’t like me, and I ruined our friendship.”

 

Finn sat a hand on her back. It was meant to be calming, but it only rattled her nerves more. “Calm down, Rey. It’s okay. He seemed pretty upset last night, but if you just explain things to him I’m sure he’ll understand.”

 

She shook her head. “I can’t. I-I messed up so much. He probably thinks I’m insane now. God, I’m so stupid. I never should have invited him. I should’ve just let him go home. If I had, none of this would’ve happened.”

 

“Sh, it’s alright.” He stood up and pulled her to him. “You’ll get through this. Kylo will understand. He’s a good guy.”

 

“He is,” she said, “and I messed it all up.”

 

“Just explain it to him, Rey. You know he—”

 

“I can’t.” Rey stood up and walked away, ignoring Finn’s protests. She felt sick, the alcohol from the previous night finally catching up with her. She could’ve technically gone into the downstairs bathroom, but she needed to be as far away from everyone as she could.

 

The room Rey chose was not her own. It was the last door at the end of the hall, secluded enough that she hoped nobody would hear her cry. She barely made it to the toilet when she started heaving up nothing but water.

 

Rey gripped the toilet, throat burning. Slowly, she sat the lid down and pulled herself up onto the toilet. Her head pounded against her skull, but she barely noticed. Tears streamed down her face before she could stop them and soon turned into outright sobs as she clutched herself.

 

She’d messed up everything. Again.

 

Pulling her phone out of her pocket was the hardest thing she’d done and the sheer act of opening her and Kylo’s messages made her shake. Usually Rey woke up with at least one message every morning. The days she didn’t left her disappointed and waiting anxiously for him to text. This time, though, there was none, and Rey was almost glad for it.

  


**To Kylo:**

_I’m sorry I’m so stupid I shouldn’t have drunk so much. I promise I won’t do it again. Please come back to me I’m sorry_

  


Rey looked over the message several times before deleting it.

 

* * *

 

Rey didn’t text Kylo. Kylo didn’t text her.

 

If he had, she wasn’t sure she’d reply back. The days after her drunken episode brought less of a headache but much more embarrassment as the memories started coming back to her piece by piece. It was so embarrassing, more so than she expected. She would never have been so forward with him if she was sober. Yeah, she wanted to fuck him, but not like _that_.

 

As the month came and went, Rey found herself constantly staring at her phone, jumping at each text message. It wasn’t him, of course, but there was still a part of her that was both hoping and terrified it was. Eventually it got to be so much of a problem that Finn would take her phone throughout periods of the day until Rey inevitably stole it back.

 

November 23rd was Thanksgiving, a holiday Rey didn’t care about or celebrate, but Finn was quite a good cook, and she’d never pass up the opportunity to eat free food, so naturally she participated in the holiday. Rose’s sister, Paige, was visiting from where she was deployed in Denmark in a short leave of absence for the holidays, as well as Poe, who flew from New York to come and see them. Together they were some broken family that somehow wound up just a little more than alright.

 

“You’re mixing the potatoes too much. Rey, stop opening the oven.” Finn grabbed the oven mitt off her hand and closed the oven. Behind him, Rose kept stirring out of spite. “Wait, are my rolls burning? Rey, why didn’t you get them out?” He pushed her aside and pulled the rolls out, which now sported a nicely charred crust.

 

Rey rolled her eyes and grabbed popcorn off the counter. “This is why no one likes cooking with you, Finn. It’s not my fault I burnt the rolls.”

 

“You’ve burned the rolls every year since 2013. Yes, you absolutely did.”

 

“What kind of Thanksgiving would we have if there was no burnt rolls? It’s tradition.”

 

Finn huffed as he used a fork to pry the bread from the pan and put them in a basket. “Burnt rolls are not a tradition. Burnt rolls are a mistake.”

 

“You’re a mistake.”

 

“Fuck, you can’t tell me that on Thanksgiving. Be nice to me or else I won’t feed you.” He carried the basket over to the kitchen table, which held nearly all of their meal now, except for the mashed potatoes. BB was trotting around, trying to jump high enough to manage to get a taste of the food. “Stop stirring!”

 

“They need to be stirred!” Rose slapped his hand away. “No one likes your disgusting chunky potatoes.”

 

“No one appreciates me in this house!”

 

Rey never really understood Thanksgiving. The thought behind it was clear enough, but their execution of it didn’t really seem on the nose. The fact that people would sit down with their families for a few hours and talk about how they were grateful for what was there with them and turn right around and fight someone during Black Friday shopping seemed almost… too American of them.

 

Though, Rey had a feeling she’d have fun fighting the masses during Black Friday. Quite a good video idea now that she thought about it.

Thanks to pre-filming, Rey had enough videos to last at least a month, which she was sincerely grateful for. She wasn’t sure if she could’ve stood to clean herself up and film the first week after Kylo’s visit. She’d checked his channel several times, and he looked quite normal in all the videos he’d uploaded recently. She guessed maybe she didn’t mean as much to him as he did to her. That’s always how it worked, right?

 

“Rey, we’re about to eat. You coming?” Poe patted her on the back, and she followed him over to the table. He sat next to her on her left, Finn on her right, Rose across from her, and Paige on Rose’s right. The last seat was unoccupied. It always was.

 

“Alright, who’s praying?” Finn asked.

 

Rose snorted. “You’re an atheist.”

 

“Yeah, so is everyone at this table, but we might as well earn some cred. You know. Just in case.”

 

Paige sighed. “Alright, fine. I didn’t go to Catholic school for over a decade just to hook up with the head nun’s nephew. Bow your heads, assholes.” She started reciting something about family, friends, and all the generic things most people were thankful for. Rey found her mind wandering off through most of it but jumped back when she heard a dramatic “And please don’t judge everyone at this table for whatever unholy acts they’re doing at the moment. Poe, move that hand. God sees everything. Amen.” Everyone stared at Paige, who started immediately loading her plate up on food, before ultimately shaking their head and following her lead.

 

Finn always got carried away with Thanksgiving, making way too much food than five people could eat. Rey always assumed it had something to do with making up for lost time, time he’d spent with those who didn’t really care about him.

 

Like Rey, Finn had grown up with the foster system. Unlike her, though, he’d spent most of his life in a group home. He’d spoken many times of the fights he’d gotten into, how many times he’d almost died on the streets. It always surprised her because it was… Finn, the man who spent hours in the kitchen making sure turkey was the right texture.

 

“Rey, eat your potatoes. I spent time on those,” Rose said from across the table.

 

“I don’t like potatoes.”

 

“That’s a lie.” Poe flicked her ear. “I’ve seen your pantry. You’ve got eight boxes of instant mashed potatoes at all times.”

 

“Rey’s food selection is awful. She has freezer meals, Hamburger Helper, and at least two pounds of ramen. I’m not sure how she’s still functioning,” Finn said as he cut his ham. “I should just send you casserole dishes once a month.”

 

“You all are horrible,” Rey said. She reached over and grabbed the mashed potatoes, piling a good quarter of them on her plate. “Happy?”

 

Rose grinned. “Quite.”

 

The rest of their meal went on quite uneventfully. Most of it was spent talking about work and new video ideas, along with several question from Paige, who still didn’t get the whole thing despite all the times Rose explained it to her.

 

The entire time, Rey sat with her phone under her thigh, waiting—praying—for a vibration. It never came. She was almost glad it didn’t.

 

She tried not to wonder what Kylo was doing for Thanksgiving. Maybe he was visiting his own family and laughing at their dumb jokes. Maybe he was sitting alone in his apartment, wearing boxer shorts and eating takeout. She didn’t know, but _god_ , why did she want to in the first place?

 

“I’m gonna go to the bathroom,” Rey said about an hour later. They were all sat in the living room, eating pie and trying to figure out how to work a VCR to put on some dumb Christmas movie. They didn’t drink. They never did anymore.

 

“Okay,” Finn said, eyes focused on the three cables he was trying to connect to the back of the TV. “Don’t be too long. We’re gonna figure out how to do this.”

 

“I won’t.”

 

It wasn’t a lie. Rey did go to the bathroom, but just to sit and clear her head. On the days where it became too much, this was where she would go: the bathroom at the end of the hall—the bathroom Kylo used that one night.

 

She’d been caught in there several times and hadn’t had the will to explain why. Hell, _she_ didn’t know why. But Rey hated using her own bathroom. She’d cried one too many times in the shower, unable to pinpoint why most of the time. She was stupid anyway, so picking up stupid habits was naturally part of the deal.

 

There, Rey sat on the toilet and took out her phone, shuffling it between both her hands. It didn’t buzz. She was glad it didn’t. Instead, she just sat and waited for her heart to stop beating so quickly, as it did whenever she thought about him.

 

She missed him. She hated how much.

 

The phone buzzed, and Rey dropped it face down, concerned more about what the caller ID said versus the state of the screen. Her hand hovered over it for a moment, heart pounding even harder than before. _Just look at it._ She did.

 

It wasn’t Kylo. At least, not the one in her contact. It was an unknown number, probably someone trying to sell her Viagra or something. She answered it, though, desperate for a distraction to mask her disappointment.

 

“Hello?”

 

“Yes, is this Rey Smith?” The voice was masculine with a very similar accent to her own.

 

“Yes, this is her.” _I swear to god, if I have to say no to one more stupid salesma—_

 

“Hello, Rey. My name’s Brian, and I work for British Airways. So sorry to bother, but we’ve discovered your flight from Los Angeles to London on December 27th at 07:15 has been overbooked, and we would like to ask if it would be possible for you to go on an earlier flight. We’d be willing to upgrade you to First Class, as well as check one bag, both at no cost.”

 

Rey sighed. This was not something she really wanted to deal with right now. “Sure, how early?”

 

“December 24th at 06:30 Pacific Standard Time.”

 

“Wait, what? That’s Christmas Eve.” Not only was she planning on staying through Christmas, but she also really didn’t want to deal with crowded airports on holidays. Even if it did give her First Class seating.

 

“Yes, I’m aware, ma’am. If you don’t want the flight, then I can go to the next person on the list, but this is a one-time deal.”

 

It’s what she wanted, wasn’t it? She wanted to go home early and lie in bed, be an ocean away from him. Maybe it would help her forget, but was it worth it to ditch her friends on Christmas? “Alright, book me. But I want two food vouchers to go along with the First Class seating and one free checked bag.”

 

The man laughed. “Oh, thank god. I thought I’d have to keep going down this list. The food vouchers are yours, ma’am. I’ll send the new tickets to the email you have on file.”

 

Rey smiled just a bit. “Is there anything else you need?”

 

“No, that’s all. Thank you so much. Have a great day!”

 

“You too,” she said then hung up her phone. Sighing, Rey stood up, slid her phone into her back pocket, and walked out the door.

 

It definitely wasn’t the phone call she was expecting, but it was the one she really needed. Some more time at home would be good for her. It’d be a good change of environment from the place she’d completely embarrassed herself and ruined her friendship with Kylo, and, hopefully, a fresh start.

 

“What took you so long?” Finn asked when she got back. Everyone was sitting on the couch as some holiday movie that had long become unfunny playing on the TV in front of them.

 

Rey hopped over the couch and sat herself between Poe and Finn. “The airline called. They said something went wrong with my flight, so I had to move my flight down to December 24th.”

 

“What? That’s Christmas Eve! We had plans, Rey. You couldn’t change it?”

 

She shook her head. “No. The flight sites got mixed up, I guess, and since I’m a single traveller, they’re making me do it.” It was a lie, but a small one. What they didn’t know wouldn’t hurt them.

 

“Wow,” Finn muttered. “Well, guess we’ll just have to give you your gifts earlier.”

 

“Guess so.” He didn’t say more, so Rey sat back and tried to ignore the guilt eating away at her gut. _It’ll be okay._

  


* * *

 

Rey Of Light @reyoflight · 12m

Happy Thanksgiving to my American subs! I’m not American, but I’m here with my surrogate fam _@poedameron @rosetico @sinwithfinn @paigetico_ celebrating the holiday with them. I’m so thankful for all of my wonderful subscribers that I’m even typing this message with decent grammar.

 

Delaney Byers @deedeeb · 12m

_Replying to @reyoflight_

Happy Thanksgiving, Rey!

 

Micket @micket · 12m

_Replying to @reyoflight_

we appreciate ur use of grammar

 

Emily Gainsville @emilygainsville · 12m

_Replying to @reyoflight_

HAPPY THANKSGIVING TO MY WIFE

 

Dexka @wilipo · 12m

_Replying to @reyoflight_

Why did you unfollow Kylo

 

Thomas Moriarty @thomassss · 12m

_Replying to @reyoflight_

Can’t wait for the next vid!!!

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello, lovelies! Hitting you up with an early chapter this fine Thursday!! Tbh I just wanted to publish this to get it out of the way for the next chapter which is completely written and just SITTING there as my favorite of the story, so get ready for that next week AHHH I know things have gotten a bit heavy, but it's going to lighten up soon! Again, thanks for so much support on this story. Your comments make my week.
> 
> Follow my Tumblr: https://reyloday.tumblr.com


	15. Bee Stripes and City Lights

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Things get a little... well, you'll see.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> You're welcome
> 
> Trigger warning: There is suicide-baiting in social media comments (the one right under here). It's nothing you wouldn't see online, but I wanna be safe yk.  
>    
>  __  
> P.S. Listen to Enchanted by Taylor Swift for the real Mood™ of this chapter  
> 

**reyoflight** Merry Christmas Eve! Ready to be back in London!

_#ineedtostoppostingselfies #ididnotwakeuplikethis_

 

_Load more comments_

 

 **reystan04** merry christmas eve!!!

 **jema-lee** when is the next video

 **reyloooo** i’m seeing you during playlist live i’m so excited!!

 **karadungen** you look so beautiful!!

 **melq** wtfff you need to give me whatever you use for your hair _#goals_

 **karmasgotitskissforme** holy shit have i ever mentioned i’m in love with you

 **rosetico** don’t be fooled i watched her down a whole pizza last night

 **0wen.reynolds** damn ;)

 **wilm.a** REY HAVE FUN ON YOUR FLIGHT

 **je.suis** best girl i cry

 **poedameron** _#flawless #gorgeous #masterpiece_

 **famalam-du** fucking hell woman you jumpscared me

 **jessika-pava** and if you look to your left you’ll see _@reyoflight_ being her beautiful self as always

 **susanmor-d** what an ethereal being

 **a.s.r.i.e.l.** w ow

 **geinger.fuck** _@kylorenstan91_ look at this bitch trying to be cute sdkjgsdhg you look so dumb rey you should just delete your instagram you untalented fuck

 **kylorenstan91** LMAO what a fucking snake. You should just kill yourself tbh everyone is over you

 

* * *

 

Everything was going way too easily on the day of Rey’s flight.

 

She’d packed the night before like a responsible person for once and had Finn drop her off at 5 that morning, an hour before her flight was to take off. His goodbye was short and sweet, much easier than past years. The airport at that time was busy, but not as busy as anticipated, so the lines went by rather quickly. Her bag was underweight, and there were no stops by security. Even the entirely too-full plane ride wasn’t as bad as she originally thought, both crying infants and crying adults alike blessedly absent for the next 10 hours.

 

Everything was going way too easily, but Rey tried not to notice as she lied down and worked on editing a video, completely taking advantage of the free airline peanuts and First Class recliners.

 

It wasn’t until nearly five hours into the flight that everything came together.

 

“Attention, passengers, this is your captain speaking. According to the latest update from air traffic control, this flight is being delayed due to unforeseeable weather conditions. We’re being diverted to John F. Kennedy International Airport in New York City, New York.”

 

There it was.

 

Rey wasn’t even that surprised at this point, but it still was rather inconvenient that she was vastly underprepared. Even when everything seemed easy, just leave it up to her to get stuck in a snowstorm in the middle of a huge, foreign city with her nearest connections nearly 3,000 miles away. Still, though, Rey didn’t complain. For a while, at least.

 

“What do you mean you don’t know?”

 

“Ma’am, it was quite a bad storm.” To her credit, the woman kept a straight face. God knows she probably had enough practice with the insane people in this airport. “We didn’t think it would be hitting us, but it changed direction, so all flights are cancelled and delayed until it passes and we can get the runway cleaned up. When that will be, it depends.”

 

Rey knew it was useless to argue. It wasn’t like this one agent could stop the snow and get her back on her flight to home, just so she could wallow in silence. “Alright, I understand.”

 

“You can stay here at the airport until however long you want to stay or get a hotel room.” The agent was already typing away at her keyboard. “I can book one here at the airport or at one closer to the city if you so choose.”

 

Rey sighed. She really, really didn’t want to spend 24 hours on a seat in the airport with expensive camera equipment in a suitcase at her feet. “Hotel please. Whatever’s available.”

 

The agent turned to her computer and spent a moment clacking at her keyboard. “Unfortunately, we’re completely booked at our hotel here. This happens a lot. Would you like me to try at surrounding hotels?” Rey just nodded, and the agent immediately went to work. “Alright,” she said after a moment, “it looks like every hotel within a fifteen mile radius is booked.”

 

 _Fuck_. “Everything? Are you sure? Check again.”

 

“Ma’am, it’s not only Christmas Eve, but it’s also snowing. Like I said, you’re welcome to stay at the airport. The seats are quite—”

 

Rey was already storming off, her backpack and bag in tow. Really, she knew she shouldn’t be so rude. The agent was probably having a worse day than she was, but Rey was absolutely fuming, and it was better to storm off than blow up in front of everyone. No, she just needed some time to cool off. Good thing the snow was the perfect place to do it.

 

It was standing outside while waiting in a line for a taxi that Rey realized she was very, very underdressed for this kind of weather. Even with the sweatshirt she’d changed into, the wind ripped any kind of warmth away and replaced it with biting chill. She wasn’t even sure why she waited, honestly. She didn’t have any place to go there, no connections, no friends, or—

 

Or did she?

 

The world was funny like that. Somehow her plan to get an ocean away from Kylo Ren figured out a way to get her in the same city.

 

Any other day, she would do nothing. She’d stay in the airport or drive around in a taxi until there was nothing more of New York for her to see. But no, it was cold, and she was hungry, and she stormed off before the agent could give her any more food vouchers. And so, Rey did what any sane person would do.

 

She sucked it up and called.

 

It rang.

 

He wasn’t going to pick up. She was stupid to think he would.

 

It rang.

 

She’d messed up so badly. He’d never want to talk to her again.

 

It rang.

 

Why was she even calling him? She didn't need him. Hell, she could sleep on a park bench for one night. It’d be fine.

 

It rang.

 

No, she was desperate. She hated the cold and the heat and any intense kind of weather. She hated airports and busy places with people. Just everything in general. Not him, though. Not anymore.

 

It rang.

 

Rey held her breath, digging her foot into the snow piling up at her feet. He wasn’t going to answer, she already knew it. She didn’t blame him, either. She didn’t deserve it.

 

“Hello?”

 

Rey stopped. “K-Kylo?”

 

“Yeah. Yeah, it’s me. Everything okay?”

 

Tears welled in her eyes. _No. None of it was okay._ “I-I hate to call like this, but I’m stuck at JFK, it’s snowing, there are no hotels available, and my flight’s delayed until tomorrow night.”

 

“Oh.” His voice was quiet. “Oh, okay. Uh, do you want… to come here?”

 

“Are you home?”

 

“Yeah, um, do you want me to come get you? I can be there in an hour-and-a-half.”

 

Again, again, Rey’s reminded who this man is and how stupid she was to lose him. “No, no, I’m already in line for a taxi. Can you just send me your address. Fuck, it’s freezing.” She stuck the phone in between her head and her shoulder and shoved her hands into her pockets.

 

“Yeah, yeah, of course. Are you okay?”

 

“I’m fine. I just…” She shook her head. “Thank you.”

 

“It’s fine. Here, let me send you the address.”

 

“You’re a saint.” There was only one more person in front of her waiting on a cab, but the line was moving quick. She pulled her sweatshirt tighter around her as her phone buzzed with a text message from Kylo.

 

“There, I sent it. Are you sure you don’t want me to come get you?”

 

The person in front of her practically dove into the taxi that pulled up. Snow was already piling up on the ground, and Rey’s trainers and thin socks were no match for it. “No, no. I’m getting one in a minute or so. I-I’m gonna hang up now. My fingers are literally freezing off.”

 

“Are you not wearing gloves?”

 

“You think I fucking expected a blizzard? No, I didn’t bring gloves.”

 

“Okay, uh, I’ll hang up then. Bye.” He did as he said, leaving her to freeze her ass off alone.

 

The taxi couldn’t have taken more than a few minutes, but it had to be around -20°C, and the mere act of standing still made her bones ache. Rey opened the door of the taxi with numb hands and closed it immediately behind her. The heater was on, so she immediately warmed her hands and spouted Kylo’s address at the driver.

 

Traffic was disgusting, debatably worse than LA’s. It was past rush hour, but it was downtown Manhattan on Christmas Eve with about four inches of snow, so everything in general was a disaster. What should’ve only been just over a thirty minute drive ended up being nearly two hours, but it was all worth it when they pulled up in front of his building. She didn’t even bother counting what American Dollars she had on her, setting a hundred dollar bill in the driver’s hand and muttering something along the lines of “Merry Christmas or Happy New Year or whatever you celebrate” before grabbing her bags and running from the car to lobby of the building.

 

Rey knew she looked horrible. Hell, she _felt_ horrible. She was sporting a ratty old sweatshirt, well-worn jeans, and trainers she found at a department store sale, along with tangled hair and snow falling off her every step she took. This was the Upper West Side, the place where all the rich kids and socialites lived. It was no wonder she got approached in the lobby of Kylo’s building.

 

“Ma’am, do you live here?” Rey looked up to see a man, dressed impeccably in a suit, looking down at her.

 

She sighed. “No, I’m looking for Kylo Ren.”

 

“God, another fangirl. Go away. He doesn’t want to see you.”

 

She’d laugh if she wasn’t so fucking cold. “No, no, I just talked to him. He gave me his address. Just call him and—”

 

“Nice try, kid, but I’ve heard it all. Go back to your parent’s house and wait for Santa.” The man grabbed her by the arm and pulled her to the door.

 

“No! Don’t make me go back out there!” Rey jerked away and reached for her phone, quickly selecting Kylo’s contact. “Listen, alright, I know you’re trying to protect him from crazy fangirls, but I am not one of them. I’m cold, I’m tired, and I shouldn’t need to be justifying this to you!”

 

The man stopped and narrowed his eyes. “If you sit right there and don’t move, I will call him. If he says he has no idea who you are, I’m calling the police.”

 

Rey nodded. “Please. Just hurry up.”

 

**To Kylo:**

_they’re saying i’m a crazy fangirl and won’t let me up_

_they’re calling you please tell them you’re expecting me_

 

And so she waited. The man kept his eyes on her as he went behind his desk and dialed in Kylo’s number. She knew he wouldn’t say no, but nothing was ever easy. Of course it wasn’t. After a few seconds, Rey noticed the man talking into the phone. Even though it was out of earshot, she sincerely hoped the glare was because he was wrong, not because he had to call the police. Finally, after a minute or so, the man walked over to her, hands behind his back.

 

“You’re cleared.”

 

Rey let out a breath of relief. “Thank god.” Without another word, she pushed past him and walked toward the elevator. As she did so, her phone buzzed in her pocket.

 

**From Kylo:**

_Sorry_

It was simple, but she smiled anyway.

 

Kylo lived just a few floors from the top of the building. It was something she noticed while standing in the elevator, hands in pockets while shuffling from foot-to-foot. No one else joined her, so the silence was only penetrated by the hum of the elevator as it went up. Just as she was feeling claustrophobic, the door opened. She walked, suitcase dragging behind her, and stopped at the last door at the end of the hall.

 

Rey swallowed the lump in her throat and knocked. A very small part of her hoped he wouldn’t answer, that he was just playing some sick game with her. But no. No, he opened the door not a second later, and she was staring at the man who she asked to fuck her just a month ago and had refused.

 

“Rey,” he said, and she suddenly realized how much she missed his voice.

 

“Kylo.” He was just as attractive as she remembered him being, dressed in black lounge pants and a matching black shirt. He looked more unkempt, though, his hair just a little flatter and the smallest bit of scruff on his upper lip.

 

“Y-You… look cold.” He made no move to get out of the doorway so that she could walk through.

 

Rey nodded. “Yeah. That’s what happens when you’re out in a snowstorm.”

 

“Yeah.”

 

She hated it. She hated how awkward he’d suddenly become around her. She hated that it was her who messed it all up. “Uh… can I come in?”

 

He blinked in surprise before looking down at himself and moving. “Of course, right, I’m sorry.” She just smiled and walked past him into his flat. “The, uh, bathroom is the first door on the right in the hall if you need it,” he said, closing the door. “You can use my guest bedroom, which is the second door on the left, if you just want to sleep.”

 

God, that sounded so good right now, but she couldn’t do that. She was in the same room as Kylo, and she couldn’t just waste it by going to sleep. “I’ll take you up on that bathroom offer, but, uh, actually, I wanted to talk to you. You know, about… certain events.”

 

He nodded. “Okay. Take as long as you need. Would you like a drink?”

 

“Do you have hot chocolate?”

 

Kylo rose an eyebrow, but he didn’t comment on the drink choice. “Yeah. Yeah, I’ve got it.”

She left for the bathroom as he went into the kitchen to make their drinks. Kylo’s flat was… nicer than hers. Hands down. In every single aspect. The floors were wood, counters marble, and, honestly, had a nicer view. The bathroom alone was probably worth more than her own flat. No wonder he was so appalled by her place.

 

Rey left her suitcase in the living room but brought her backpack with her change of clothes into the bathroom with her. She stripped quickly, discarding the wet clothes onto the disgustingly clean floor and dressing into a pair of sweatpants and a t-shirt with a band that she’d never even heard of on it. Not the most attractive, but Kylo had seen so much worse of her that she didn’t care.

 

She opened the door to find Kylo standing in the kitchen, washing something in the sink. Everything was shiny, so much so that she wondered if he lived like this or just cleaned because she was coming. Rey shoved her clothes into her backpack but found that her suitcase was gone.

 

Kylo glanced back at her. “I put your stuff in the extra room… if that’s okay.”

 

Rey nodded and walked toward him cautiously. He hadn’t been shy at her flat, but this was different. Then, they were strangers. Now, they were too close for comfort. She stopped at the counter where two mugs sat. There was a steaming pot of water on the stove but nothing else cluttering the area.

 

“I thought you already went back to London already.” She couldn’t read his voice. It sounded indifferent, casual, nothing like how he ever spoke to her.

 

“No,” Rey said. “I was supposed to go back on the 27th, but things happened with the flight, so I opted for today. Guess that wasn’t a great idea.”

 

He hummed and turned the water of the sink off. The water was boiling then, so he turned away from her and took it off the burner. The entire time that he made their drinks, he didn’t meet her eyes. Did he really hate her that badly?

 

“Did you… have a good trip?” He emptied the contents of the pot into each mug, then poured the hot chocolate packet over it.

 

“Up until the flight, yes.”

 

“Good.” He grabbed a spoon from drawer and stirred one mug then the other. “Do you… want to talk on the couch?”

 

Rey nodded and followed him after he grabbed both mugs. The couch was bigger than Finn and Rose’s, and Rey found herself pressing against the opposite end he was. Kylo sat both mugs on the coffee table, and Rey waited for it to cool slightly before picking it up. The flat was warm already, but she found herself pressing her hands into the heat of the mug.

 

No one talked at first, neither knowing what to say. It was a silly game they were playing, she was sure he knew it. Still, the silence was overwhelming.

 

“Rey—”

 

“I’m sorry,” she blurted out, not even giving him a chance to speak. “I’m so sorry. I’ve ruined everything. I’m so stupid. I should never have drank that much. I know I can’t hold my liquor well. I should never have forced you to stay.”

 

“Rey—”

 

“I don’t know why I said any of that. Actually I do, but that’s not anything you want to hear. It was just so stupid of me.”

 

“Rey—”

 

“I know you hate me and everything, but I’m really glad you did this for me because I would’ve hated staying in the airport. I had nowhere left to go, but you just let me in because you’re just a really nice guy, even though I hit on you and tried to get you to have sex with me even though you didn’t want it. Call me an asshole if you want. I know that’s what I called you, and I regret it so much. You have no idea. I-I’m just so sorry.”

 

“Rey!”

 

She snapped her head to look at him. He stood up and stopped directly in front of her. “What?”

 

“Stand up.”

 

“Why?”

 

“Just do it.”

 

She sat her mug on the coffee table behind them and did as he asked. The last time they were this close was that night, the memory blurry but painful. “Okay.”

 

He bent down and wrapped his arms around her. Rey went still for a moment, confused. He was crazy, she was sure of it. There was no way he could do that with a sane mind. But even so, she couldn’t stop herself from wrapping her arms around him.

 

“I don’t hate you,” he mumbled into her hair. “I’m not mad at you, either. I thought you were mad at me. That’s why I didn’t text or call. I thought you never wanted to see me again since you never texted afterward.”

 

She shook her head, trying to blink back tears. “No, no, I don’t hate you. I thought—I thought I was too much of a fuck-up for you to ever want to talk to me again. You’re so perfect and nice, and I… I’m not. I thought—”

 

He pulled back, meeting her eyes for the first time that night. “Rey, you’re not a fuck-up. You are perfect and nice, and I don’t know why you think those things, but they’re not true. I-I thought about a lot of things that night. I didn’t realize you’d think you were the fuck-up. I should’ve stopped you before you drank so much.”

 

She shook her head. “No, you were my guest. I shouldn’t have drank so much. You told me to stop. I’m just stupid.”

 

“You’re not stupid. Don’t think that. We… we both made mistakes that night.”

 

Rey pressed against him again, relishing in the way he held her. “Thank you.”

 

“For what?”

 

“For saying no.”

 

Kylo paused then and just pressed his hand against her back, squeezing lightly. “Any decent person would have, Rey. It’s not—”

 

“Yeah, but you did, and it means a lot to me. You were such a good friend to me when I wasn’t a good friend to you, and it means so much to me that I can trust you.”

 

“You can. I wouldn’t do anything to hurt you. Not purposely, at least. You’re… You mean a lot to me.”

 

“You’re a good friend,” she whispered, hoping the ache in her chest would go away soon. “I’m sorry for not talking to you sooner.”

 

Kylo pulled back again and smiled. “Enough apologizing. We’ve settled it. We both made mistakes that night, but there’s no use in dwelling on it, right? Let’s just forget about it. We don’t need to mention it again if you don’t want to.”

 

Rey nodded. “Please. I’ve been thinking about it ever since I woke up that morning. I-I couldn’t even remember what happened that morning until a few days later. Finn had to tell me. And then you left, and I didn’t know what to do.”

 

“Well, I’m here now. You don’t have to worry about it anymore.”

 

“Good.” She reached behind him to grab her mug of hot chocolate and sat down on the couch. He followed, scooting much closer than he previously was. “Thank you for letting me come. I’m not sure what I would’ve done without you. I have about £1,000 worth of video equipment in that suitcase.”

 

“I know how that feels. I had a layover once in Ann Arbor on the way to Vancouver and had to deal with getting over $3,000 of equipment on that flight unbroken. It wasn’t a fun time. I can’t imagine why anyone would choose to travel on Christmas Eve, though. Are you insane?”

 

She was, technically, but that didn’t have anything to do with this. “I was going to come back on the 27th, but things happened. They offered me First Class if I went today. You can see how that went.”

 

“Couldn’t you have just bought First Class?”

 

“No, Mr. Even-My-Toothbrush-Is-Made-Of-Diamonds.”

 

He held up both hands. “Alright, fair enough. Don’t get First Class. The free champagne is worth it, though.”

 

“Actually, uh…” She took a drink of her hot chocolate and set it back down on the coffee table. “I stopped drinking.”

 

He blinked once in surprise. “Oh, sorry.”

 

“Yeah, I thought it’d be for the better. I can live without it.”

 

“That’s good. I’m proud of you.” He drummed his fingers on his mug. “So you’re spending Christmas alone?”

 

The change of subject was blatant, but Rey was thankful for it. “I’m with you, aren’t I? Not completely alone.”

 

He shrugged. “I’m not sure I count as the best ‘Christmas companion.’”

 

“You’re definitely not someone out of a Hallmark movie,” she said. “Why are you alone for Christmas then? I don’t see your Christmas tree or decorations anywhere.”

 

“Well, reason number one would be because I’m Jewish, but you know.”

 

Rey didn’t speak for a moment, trying to hide her embarrassment. “Oh, sorry.”

 

He laughed. “It’s fine. I’m not really religious, and my mother’s out of the country anyway, so I’m just alone here. You know.”

 

She wasn’t sure what was worse—the fact that she’d been speaking to him for six months and didn’t know he was Jewish, or the fact that he’d spent the entire holiday alone. “I’m not religious, either. I wasn’t really raised in any religion, so I just sorta do whatever Finn does in terms of holidays. That’s how I got dragged into your weirdass American holidays.”

 

“Hey, we have some great holidays.”

 

“At least three-fourths of them are for binging on food and blasting fire into the sky.”

 

“It’s an American thing. You wouldn’t understand.”

 

“Of course it is.”

 

Rey didn’t realize how much she missed this. Conversations with Kylo were always random and strange but comfortable somehow. That’s exactly how she felt now. His thigh was pressed into hers, somehow managing to be closer than he already was. She wondered if he missed her touch as much as she missed his.

 

“Does your mom travel a lot?” she asked, mostly trying to steer her focus away from how close he was to her.

 

“Sometimes. She’s a busy woman. She does a lot of charity work in Africa and other countries doing stuff. I haven’t seen her in person since… March, I think.”

 

“What about your dad?”

 

Kylo paused then and grew still. She opened her mouth to backtrack, but he spoke before she could. “He… I don’t know. I haven’t seen him since I was 17 years old. He was, uh, why I created my YouTube channel.”

 

“He was?” Rey had been a massive Kylo fangirl back in 2007, even going as far as making that godforsaken blog that she still has _yet_ to delete off the internet. Up until 2012, she’d seen every single video, known every piece of information, and heard every single story of Kylo Ren and who he was. But this… this wasn’t the story he gave to the internet. _I was bored_ . It was always the reason. _I was bored, and it was summer break and I found this cool website with a bunch of cringe people on it, so I decided to be cringe myself._

 

“He left me and my mother the day before my 18th birthday. He just left. There was no fight or goodbye or anything. I woke up one morning and found my mother crying in our kitchen, blubbering on about how he was gone. I didn’t really know what to do, so I just sat there with her and let her cry until she finally stopped and left the house. I didn’t know whether it was to go looking for him or just to clear her head, but I just remember sitting there alone for hours, wondering if both of my parents were leaving me. I fell asleep there, and she woke me up the next morning with some Wal-Mart birthday cake and a bunch of horrible streamers.”

 

He was smiling then, just a little. “My mother was the best person in the world. After that day, she tried not to show how much my dad leaving really affected her. It was my last year of high school, and she tried to leave me alone to give me space. I got into a lot of shit I shouldn’t have, though, so I’m not sure how much it worked in her favor.

 

“Even though my mom never talked bad about my dad, it was all I could think about. My MySpace was filled with a ton of emo shit where I’d bash my dad because that’s what everyone was doing. That’s where I heard about YouTube initially. Some people I was friends with were doing it, so I started my own the summer after I graduated. I hated my name, I hated everything about myself, so I created Kylo Ren, a man who has no father or weaknesses or emotions. He was… a persona at first, someone who I allowed to be my outlet, but eventually I morphed into him or he morphed into me, I don’t know.

 

“I didn’t expect for YouTube to take off so much, but the Kylo branding stuck. If I knew how big of an online presence I’d get, I’d have changed my name, but I’ve got a brand now that I can’t change.” He looked over at her. “That was a bit of an over-share, sorry.”

 

She shook her head. “No, it wasn’t. I’m glad you told me. You can still rebrand and become whoever you want. It’s not about what your fans want, Kylo. Or… tell me your name again.” She knew it. She’d known it for years after his channel erupted. The internet really can find out everything. But she wanted to hear him say it himself, something she’d never heard before.

 

“Ben. Ben Solo,” he said, not meeting her eyes. “God, I haven’t said that in so long. Not to anyone of importance anyway.”

 

“Ben,” she repeated. “I like it. Can I call you that?”

 

He sat his hand on hers. “You can call me anything you want, Rey.”

 

Rey hoped he couldn’t see the blush on her face when their eyes met. She swore he looked so much prettier in this lighting, all the lights off save for the lamp in the corner and on the end table on his right. The urge to press their lips together nagged at her mind, but she pushed it away. Not the time or the place.

 

Snow was falling outside, so much so that she wondered if the airline would allow planes to fly tomorrow night. Suddenly, she prayed they wouldn’t and give her another night with the man next to her.

 

“Do you… Are you hungry?” he asked. He was close, too close. His body was warm, and even though two hours ago she was freezing her ass off, she felt like she was overheating.

 

And so she nodded but immediately regretted it when he left. _It was for the best,_ she tried to reason with herself. _Any longer and you might’ve jumped him again._

 

Kylo—Ben—wasn’t long in the kitchen before coming back with a small plate of cheese, meat, and those American crackers, setting down next to her and putting the tray on the coffee table. Rey hadn’t been lying—she really was hungry—so she didn’t hesitate on making one of those Lunchable sandwiches that she always had when she was a kid.

 

“What are you doing?” he asked her, apparently fascinated.

 

Rey bit into her sandwich and closed her eyes. The cheese was definitely not like the processed shit that came in the packages, and the meat was a much thicker cut. Even the crackers were superior, but she wasn’t surprised. “Have you never had one of these?”

 

He shook his head. “My mom was weird about food she let me have.”

 

“You are missing out, Jesus Christ.” She grabbed a piece of meat, cheese, and two crackers, setting them in his hand. “Stack them. One cracker, then meat, then cheese, then another cracker.”

 

He did as he was told before eating it, chewing slowly. “It tastes the same.”

 

“That’s the point!” Rey grabbed another combination off the plate and began building it. “It’s childhood nostalgia. That, along with those TV dinners and ramen, was what I was raised on.”

 

“You must be what my mother said I’d turn into if I ate bad food.”

 

“I hate you.”

 

“No, you don’t.”

 

She smiled. “No, I don’t.”

 

He pinched her arm as she reached for another cracker. Despite his comments on the food, he made another one for himself. “How did we end up here? This time a year ago, I hate your guts.”

 

Rey shrugged. “Don’t know. Though, let’s be real, if you never called me immature or whatever on that livestream, then I never would’ve hated you.”

 

“Well, if you hadn’t called me overrated on that video then we wouldn’t have been in this mess in the first place.”

 

She stopped and shook her head. “What? I didn’t call you overrated.”

 

“It was something along those lines. I don’t know, I haven’t watched it in five years.”

 

“No, no, I know exactly what I said. I mean, I wasn’t calling you overrated. When I made that video I was talking about Hux.”

 

He stopped and turned to face her. “What?”

 

“Are you kidding me? Before you called me immature on the livestream after I posted the video, I loved you. Like, I was one of your first subscribers. I had a fucking fanblog about you, alright?”

 

“You what? Are you kidding me?” He shook his head. “So our entire rivalry, the reason we hated each other… It was because we never bothered to talk about it?”

 

She stopped, unsure about whether she wanted to laugh or cry. Everything, _everything,_ had been because he insulted her publicly. She had thought it was for no reason, that he was just an asshole with no sense of humor, when really it was both of them jumping to bullshit conclusions.

 

“So you really didn’t hate me?” he asked.

 

“No, of course not. You were like my idol and you crushed me when you said that.”

 

“God, I’m an idiot. I’m so sorry. Me and Hux had such similar subscriber counts at that time, so I just assumed.”

 

“Stop assuming things, Ben.”

 

He smiled just a bit. “I will.”

 

Rey grabbed another cracker combination and sat back into the couch. “I almost want to be mad at you right now. All the time we’ve wasted vaguing each other on Twitter when we could’ve been doing other shit for views.”

 

“Don’t be mad at me. We’ve had enough of that for a lifetime.” He reached for the remote on the opposite end of the couch. “It’s almost 11. Are you tired?”

 

Rey shook her head. She was emotionally, yes, but it was only 8 in LA. Even if she had been completely exhausted, she still probably wouldn’t have left.

 

“I started watching Stranger Things after you rec'd it to me,” he said, turning on the TV. “It’s a good show.”

 

“Yes, it is. Took you long enough to realize. I get to send you memes about it now.”

 

“I’ve missed your memes.”

 

She blushed for some reason. “And I miss your completely horrific reactions to every single one I send.”

 

“That’s because all your memes are horrible.”

 

“What, would you rather me send nudes?”

 

“Your nudes would probably be just as bad.”

 

She pinched his thigh. “That is extremely rude, excuse you. Anyone who gets nudes by me are blessed.”

 

“Nudes are weird. Don’t do that.”

 

“Are you telling me you’ve never sent a dick pic?”

 

“That’s not what I said.”

 

“You have!” She snatched the remote out of his hand. “I should tell your mother.”

 

“My mother wouldn’t be surprised. Also, let’s stop this conversation. Please.”

 

Rey shook her head as she clicked through the channels on his Smart TV. “Shit, you have Netflix _and_ Hulu? Got some money there, boy.”

 

“Also Amazon, Sling, Starz, and HBO. Pick whatever.”

 

“You’re totally giving me your password for all of these.” She clicked on Netflix, not wanting to scroll through every channel just to find something decent.

 

“I’d say no, but I feel like I don’t have a choice in the matter, so I’m not going to even try.”

 

“You got that right.” Rey scrolled his recently watched movies and stopped on one. “Did you actually watch half of the Bee Movie?”

 

“It was for science.”

 

“You didn’t even finish it? I’m disappointed in you. Guess we know what we’re watching.”

 

“I am not watching the Bee Movie with you.”

 

“You act like it’s porn. Unless you’re into that. No kink-shaming, but yikes.” Despite his protests, she started it from the beginning and put the remote under her ass. “Sit down and enjoy. No complaints.”

 

Immediately, Rey regretted putting it on, but she sucked it up because he seemed to be hating it just as much as she was. She hadn’t seen the movie in years, but it was just as atrocious as she remembered. When Ben tried taking out his phone to distract himself, she had snatched it away and put it with the remote.

 

By 11:45, Rey legitimately felt like walking out of the building and standing out in the snow for ten minutes just to distract herself from both the movie and the man that had taken up leaning into her and groaning as an outlet. They were closer than they had been in so long, the closest they’d ever been while sober. He touched her similarly to Finn, but there was something different in the way he did it. Maybe she was reading into things, but she didn’t really mind anyway.

 

“Fuck, this movie is so bad,” he mumbled, fingers drawing circles on her forearm. “It makes me physically hurt.”

 

“You’re a baby.” She had to agree, though. Hopefully the bee would fucking die soon.

 

He laughed, head laid on her shoulder. “You’re not big enough for this.”

 

“Was that an innuendo?”

 

“No, I’m just tired, and you’re not big enough to lay on. I’d crush you.”

 

“Try it,” she said, half-joking.

 

He looked up at her. “I’d rather not crush you. You’re too pretty for that.”

 

That wretched blush started again before she could do anything about it. “I’m really not, but thank you, Ben.”

 

“I’m serious.”

 

“Right.”

 

He sat up and sat a hand on her thigh. “Rey, look at me.” She did. “You’re fucking amazing.”

 

“Yeah, but—”

 

“No buts. You’re amazing, even if you put on the Bee Movie to torture me. But I think I can forgive that.”

 

Rey felt her heart pounding in her chest. Before, he was close like any of her friends would be, but now he was close enough to kiss. It would be so, so easy.

 

“Rey, you okay?” he asked, hand not leaving her thigh.

 

“No,” she whispered. “No, I’m not.”

 

“Can I kiss you?”

 

She swore her heart stopped in her chest. He was close enough to feel his breath on her skin and smell his aftershave and see the faintest freckles on his face. She was silent for the longest moment until his eyes flickered down, and he began moving away in rejection.

 

“Please,” she said quickly, stopping him.

 

And so he did.

 

Rey had imagined kissing Kylo—Ben—many times. Most of it had been rough, brutal, and led to a long night in the bedroom. This, however, was completely different. He pressed their lips together gently in a chaste, close-mouthed kiss, then pulled away immediately.

 

“Is that okay?”

 

Rey didn’t answer, instead leaning forward and kissing him again, equally as gently. It felt like being kissed for the first time, slow and unsure. They were much more practiced, though, so the teeth and excess saliva was blessedly absent. She could tell immediately he was a good-kisser, his lips moving easily against hers. Her hands came up to rest on his cheeks, which gave him the encouragement he needed to keep going.

 

She never realized how much she was missing. All this wasted time spent hating him or texting him or stuck in her own imagination. It was silly now that she thought about it. She’d wanted to do this for so long and never had the courage to admit it, not even to herself. In pride, in fear of rejection? She didn’t know, but none of it mattered anymore, not when he was right next to her.

 

Rey was aware of every touch—every brush of his lips, the placement of his hands, the pounding of her heart. It was intoxicating, but she wanted so much more.

 

He pulled away and buried his face into her neck, breathing heavily. “Rey.” He didn’t finish and just kept a loose grip on her waist. Rey slid a hand up and tangled it into his hair, holding him to her. Gently, she shifted them to where she was lying down and he was tucked into her on his side.

 

He looked up at her and brushed his fingertips across her cheeks before letting his hand settle on her chest. “You have no idea how long I wanted to do that,” he mumbled against her shoulder.

 

“You should’ve done it sooner.”

 

He looked at her again and sat up, scooting out of her grip to move where she pulled up her legs. “Nothing we do here has to leave this building if that’s what you want. I’d like to know how far you want to go.”

 

Rey sat up against the arm of the sofa. The question had so many implications, all of which she wanted to pursue. Just not tonight. “I’d like you to kiss me again, if that’s okay.”

 

“More than okay,” Ben said, smiling just a bit. She reached and pulled him toward her, meeting in a kiss that was nowhere near as gentle as the first. It was a messy, fumbling combination of lips and tongue, every touch burning. She felt like she was on fire but brought him closer anyway, allowing herself to lie back and pull him on top of her.

 

He was wrong. He didn’t crush her, but his weight made it difficult to breathe, which didn’t help considering she was already rather short of breath. He seemed surprised, pulling away for a moment before returning to her lips. She could tell he was trying to minimize his weight on her, but it didn’t do much to help the ache in her chest.

 

“Ben,” she whispered, “I need the remote.”

 

“Why?” he mumbled against her neck but dug it and his phone out from under her ass. “Are you actually paying attention to it?”

 

She took the remote from him and paused the last bit of the Bee Movie that was playing. “No, I just can’t keep listening to them talking about pollination while you’re on top of me.”

 

Kylo nipped at her neck. “I’m gonna pretend you didn’t just say that.”

 

Rey sat a hand on the small of his back where his shirt had pushed up and just a bit of skin was peeking through. She was so tempted to ask him to pull it off just so she could touch him, but she refrained. “Can we… go to your bedroom?” The couch was cramped, and her back was starting to ache, especially with his weight pressing down on her. _That’s the only reason,_ she reasoned with herself.

 

“Rey, I think we both know what will happen if we go into my room.”

 

He was right. Rey had already said she didn’t want to go further than kissing, but it wouldn’t have been the first time she’d gotten caught up in the moment. Ben had already proved to be trustworthy, but now that they were completely sober and alone, it probably wasn’t the best idea to further the situation. It became so hard to focus when she knew both of them were immensely turned on. The feeling of him pressed against her, cock hard despite how he tried to hide it, cut off most of the thoughts that ran through her mind.

 

Rey closed her eyes and tried to focus on the sensation of his lips on hers, of the brush of his fingertips against her stomach, of the quiet noises he made every time she moved. His touch burned, every moment sending her further and further away from reality.

 

“Ben.” She whispered it over and over again, pleased at the reaction he gave her. Her shirt was pushed up past her stomach, and one of her legs was twisted around his. She knew they needed to stop soon, but she didn’t have the will to push him away. Who knew when the next time she’d get to feel like this again would be? Who knew if he’d change her mind about her the next time they saw each other?

 

All too quickly, Ben pressed one last kiss to her lips and pulled away. “You okay?”

 

She nodded. “You?”

 

“Perfect.”

 

He didn’t say anything else for the longest time and just squeezed himself into her side, resting his head on her shoulder. They were cramped, and Rey had a feeling her arm would start aching in about five minutes. For now, though, everything was okay.

 

Ben brushed his fingertips across the collar of her shirt, drawing invisible lines over her skin. For the first time in what felt like hours, she was finally able to breathe. Somehow the position felt even more intimate than when he was on top of her. Neither of them spoke, but the silence wasn’t uncomfortable by any means.

 

Rey looked over at Ben, who was staring at the digital clock under his TV. _12:09_

 

“Merry Christmas, Rey,” he said, pressing his palm into her heart.

 

She brushed a hand through his hair. “Merry Christmas, Ben.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ;) Y'all doing good? Good. I'm so glad y'all have finally been able to read this because this chapter has been in my head since the very beginning, and the fact that I've written it and can get to the next part is so amazing. Thank you all for being here on this journey with me! This chapter clocked in at 7,390 words, and Chapter 16, unfinished at this very moment, is over 8,400. Idk when that one will be out, but it'll be sometime next week. Thanks for sticking with me for so long, and I'm hoping you enjoyed this chapter!
> 
> Follow my Tumblr: https://reyloday.tumblr.com


	16. We'll Always Have New York

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Things get a little hotter

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ruin The Friendship by Demi Lovato
> 
> That is all

Rey woke up to the blinding sun the next morning, buried in sheets and a duvet that was far softer than anything she’d ever owned. She laid there for several moments, too tired to even move. It took much longer than it should’ve for her to realize that she was in neither her flat nor Finn and Rose’s house. At that moment, everything clicked.

 

_ Kylo—Ben. Oh fuck. I’m in his flat. _

 

Rey sat up and looked over at either nightstand for her phone but found it nowhere. There was nothing personal in the room to signify it belonged to anyone in particular. It looked more like a hotel room than a bedroom, completely decorated in black and white. The only thing that was out of place was Rey’s grey suitcase and backpack, which sat at the opposite end of the room near two full-length windows. She stumbled over to the windows and dug through her backpack to find her phone but came up empty-handed. Sighing, she gave up and forced herself to leave the room. 

 

The wood floors were cold under her feet as she tiptoed down the hall, not sure if Ben was awake yet. If he wasn’t, she wasn’t sure where to find him. He hadn’t exactly given her a full tour of her apartment (even if some of his viewers already knew). Come to think of it, she hadn’t even fallen asleep in a bed, so how did she get there?

 

“Rey?”

 

She jumped at the voice and whirled around. Ben stood there, wearing the same clothes he’d fallen to sleep in with the addition of glasses and the slightest bit of bedhead. “Oh, um, hi. Did I wake you?”

 

He shook his head, running a hand through his hair. “No, I just got up.”

 

“Oh, okay.” Rey suddenly realized she was standing in the middle of the hallway, so she quickly stepped aside and followed Kylo into the kitchen. “Did you sleep well?” 

 

“As well as I could,” he said, opening one of his pristine cabinets and taking out a box of some disgustingly sugary cereal. “You hungry?”

 

“Not really. I’m not a big breakfast person.”

 

“You sure? If I don’t have anything here, I can just order something for you if you want.” He pulled out a bowl and a gallon of milk from the refrigerator. 

 

“No, really, I’m fine.” Rey leaned against the countertop opposite of him, running her fingers over the surface as a means of distraction. “Uh, how did I end up in bed? I don’t remember ending up there.”

 

Kylo poured his milk into the bowl, then added his cereal on top of it. “I carried you. I woke up about 3 with a pain in my neck, and I wasn’t gonna leave you there. That couch is absolutely horrible.” He turned to her, bowl in hand. “I… hope that was okay. I was going to ask, but you were completely passed out, and I didn’t want to wake you.”

 

“No, it’s fine. I was just confused. I don’t like missing pieces of information, you know?” She wrapped her arms around herself. It was obvious they were dancing around the elephant in the room. Rey didn't have the guts to tell him how much she enjoyed kissing him, how much she wanted to do it again. “Oh, uh, do you know where my phone is? It's not where I left it.”

 

He set his bowl of cereal down and walked over to a desk that was nestled in a corner of his living room. On it was a laptop, printer, and a bunch of papers that were debatably the messiest things in the entire flat. Attached to the laptop was her phone. “Sorry, you left it on the coffee table last night, and I noticed it was almost dead, so I plugged it into my USB camera cord to charge since I only have Apple chargers.”

 

She accepted her phone back and tucked into the waistband of her pants. “You didn’t have to do that.”

 

He picked up his cereal and took a bite as he walked over to the couch. “You have a flight today, and it’s no fun to have your phone die in the airport.” Rey followed him over and sat down a meter away from him. When he turned on the TV, they were immediately greeted with a “Are you still watching ‘Bee Movie’?” and an unflattering screenshot of Barry B. Benson. It was a rather innocent movie (Besides the blatant bestiality), but it was what they did while it played that made her blush.

 

She’d never be able to watch that movie again.

 

“Do we want to finish it?” Ben asked, glancing at her.

 

“No!”

 

He laughed and exited the movie. “I didn’t think so. It was… an interesting movie from what little information I absorbed from watching it. I’m not sure about the message that humans can date bees, though. How do you even have sex with a bee?”

 

“I’m not sure I’m the best person to ask. Maybe try Hux? He seems more of the bee-fucking type in my opinion.”

 

Kylo choked on his cereal. “Give me your phone.”

 

She rose an eyebrow at the request but gave it to him, anyway. “Password is 120593.”

 

He took it and typed out the password quickly before opening her messages and starting a new contact. He plugged in a number, typed out a quick message, and hit send. He handed Rey back her phone then, a satisfied smirk on his face.

  
  


**To That Fucking Ginger:**

_ Hi, Armitage Hux, this is PETA. We’re contacting you in a response to an accusation of bestiality. We just have a few questions for you. _

_ Have you ever had sexual relations with a bee? _

_ Is it true the last two girlfriends you had were bees?  _

_ Do you identify as bee-sexual? _

_ Thanks. _

  
  


“HE’S GOING TO HATE ME!” She was laughing uncontrollably, gasping for air. 

 

“He doesn’t have to know.” Kylo took another bite of his cereal. “Besides, he probably already knows it’s me. And at least you have his number if you ever need it.”

 

“Why would I need it? I don’t even like him.” She clicked out of her messages and opened the Tumblr app. There was a flood of notes in her activity as always, as well as the constant notification of 99+ IMs and Asks. People always asked her why she kept them open, but she liked seeing the messages and questions from her followers.

 

“Just in case. You know, in case you can’t reach me.” He set his empty cereal bowl down on the coffee table and scooted closer to her. “What are you doing?”

 

“Tumblr,” she said, trying not to focus too much on the way his arm brushed hers. “You have one, don’t you?”

 

“Yeah, but I never used it. It’s a little too complicated for my taste.” Rey subconsciously found herself pressing closer to him until their thighs touched. “I’ve gone on it a few times just to search through my tag, and there was just a bunch of thirst posts and a couple people calling me an asshole.”

 

Rey snorted. “That’s Tumblr for you. It’s fun, though, if you like constant criticism of every semi-enjoyable thing. I still can’t believe there are people who stan me on there. Critics, sure, but people who defend me tooth and nail? It’s kinda terrifying.”

 

“I know the feeling. Sometimes I’ll watch people get in arguments over me, and it’s really embarrassing. I do act like an asshole, and I don’t need defended when I do.” 

 

“Funny because I used to be one of those stans.”

 

“Really? That’s… surprising. You mentioned having a blog about me, right?”

 

Her cheeks flushed. She’d hoped he hadn’t remembered after they got caught up in their activities, but of course he had. “Yeah, um, it was a long time ago. You were one of the first YouTubers I started watching. It was like 2007 or something. I don’t know, I probably just had a massive crush on you. Come to think of it, Finn probably did too.”

 

“I wanna see it.”

 

“That is not happening.” She turned away when he tried snatching her phone. “You won’t find it. It’s on a completely separate account that I can’t even remember the password to. Besides, you don’t want to see me as a 14-year-old thirsting over you. It was a bit creepy, but I never reached more than 50 followers, and none of my subs have ever found it. Thank god.”

 

“Your reputation would have been ruined,” he said, pulling out his own phone. “It’s quite funny that you used to stan me but built up a reputation as the number one Kylo anti. Wonder what other secrets you have.” She didn’t reply and just kept scrolling until she’d come across an interesting post.

  
  


**reysdemon**

**Rey, Kylo Ren, and Why People Ship Them**

I’ve been seeing a lot of hate across several platforms about the ship of our love, Rey, and someone we… have an interesting relationship with, Kylo Ren. The ship in question has been dubbed Reylo by the internet. It’s not a new concept and has been considered a rarepair since Rey was popularized in 2012, but it was never really socially accepted except by the very small parts of the fandoms where the shippers lived. It’s been noticed, though, that the past six months, the spike in Reylo content has been huge, the amount of fics in AO3 going from a mere 26 to 678 as of this day (December 23rd). 

People have show major distaste about this ship ever since its conception, having earned the “Anti Reylo” tag way back in 2013. Before this year, Reylo was passed off as unrealistic, a fantasy if you will. And they’d be correct since both of them made it very clear they didn’t like each other. During VidCon in June, it was pretty much confirmed that they hated each other after Kylo insulted Rey during a panel. Then, of course, in August 2017, we got a taste of their first collab, and it was nothing short of a bombshell. Suddenly, the Reylo shippers were running out of their caves and creating content, fueled by a sem-nude Kylo and a fake “I love you.”

As far as I can tell, people are drawn to the ship because of their chemistry, but many antis are making the argument that Kylo Ren is “abusive” because he talks down to Rey and acts like an asshole. Though I agree about the asshole part, saying Kylo Ren is abusive is one of the biggest reaches I’ve ever seen in my entire life.

There are also arguments that real person shipping is disrespectful and gross, but Rey herself has said she’s okay with it, and I believe Kylo has also said something along the lines of “You people are crazy, but make whatever you want. Just don’t tag me in it.” so it’s clear that both parties really don’t care.

Whatever your opinion on Reylo is, it’s apparent that the ship itself isn’t going anywhere any time soon so long Kylo and Rey keep interacting, so it’s probably best to get used to it.

X

Kara

_ #rey of light #reyoflight #kylo ren #youtube #reylo #shoot me an ask if you have any more questions on this #i don’t ship it but i don’t care if you do _

_ 823 notes _

 

“Do you think that about me?”

 

Rey jumped at his voice, not realizing he’d been reading over her shoulder. A rude habit, but she could let it slide. “Think what?”

 

“That I’m abusive toward you?”

 

“What? No, of course not. I’ve never thought that.” She sat a hand on his thigh. “People are so stupid. We banter and stuff, and I insult you just as much as you insult me. Besides, it was me who came onto you when you said no. You’re a nicer guy than you let on, Kylo.”

 

“Ben.”

 

“Ben,” she corrected herself. It was hard to get used to the name after she spent so long cursing “Kylo” under her breath, but she liked it. “Are you going to rebrand?”

 

He shrugged. “Not anytime soon. I doubt my manager would let me. I’ve got… too much behind Kylo Ren to give it all up now.”

 

“Are you sure? I’m sure people wouldn’t mind. And if they did, then that’s their problem. YouTube is about doing what makes you happy, right? That’s what it’s meant for, anyway. I know people love your badass alter ego, but, I don’t know, I think I like Ben Solo a little bit more.”

 

He looked over at her, studying her face. “You can’t just say things like that, Rey.”

 

She fell silent. He was so close, the same distance as last night when he asked to kiss her. It’d be so easy just to lean forward and do it again. “Like what?”

 

Kylo just stared at her before shaking his head. “Never mind.” She wanted to press further.  _ Like what? Like I like you? Like you mean something to me? Like I’d be destroyed if anything ever happened to you? Like I— _ “Have you ever been to New York before?”

 

Rey didn’t like the change of subject, but she went along with it anyway. “I’ve only ever been in JFK for layovers and stuff. I’ve never actually been in the city.” The last time she’d been in New York was VidCon 2015 when she had an eight-hour layover and was too hot to even attempt to go outside.

 

“What? Not even the touristy stuff?” He sighed when she shook her head. “Any idea when your flight is rescheduled?”

 

“No word on it yet. Why?”

 

He smiled and jumped to his feet. “Get dressed. We’re going out.”

 

“Ben, what—”

 

“You can’t just spend the day sitting in my apartment while you wait for some flight to get rescheduled.” He grabbed his cereal bowl and deposited it into the sink. “Well?”

 

She really didn’t want to go out. It was cold, she was exhausted from flying, and she fully intended on spending the day under Ben Solo, doing things she’d be ashamed for whatever deity was out there to see, but the way he seemed so excited about going out and showing her the city made her heart melt a little. “I… don’t have a coat. Or gloves.” One more sad excuse.

 

“We can get one on the way,” he said, walking over to her. He held out a hand. “Please?”

 

She took it.

 

Rey succeeded in getting him to allow her to shower. She felt so gross after spending so much time on a plane that she audibly groaned when the stream of water hit her back. She scrubbed quickly, using soap Ben had set out for her, and rinsed off before getting out. A few towels were set out on a rack, so she quickly dried off and dressed in a long-sleeved shirt and jeans.

 

When Rey opened the door, he was directly across the hall, digging through a closet. She deposited her pajamas into her backpack and went out to meet him. “What… are you doing?”

 

He looked back at her. He didn’t have glasses on anymore, something Rey found herself missing, and he was clean-shaven again. “Oh, my mom left a pair of—Oh, found it!” He pulled out a pair of gloves and handed them to her. “Here. I didn’t have any that would fit you, so hopefully those will be alright.”

 

Rey took the gloves and slipped them onto her hands. They weren’t the warm and fuzzy ones that she’d get for less than £1 back in London and was instead some type of leather that probably went to some fancy fur coat, but they’d do their job well enough. “Thank you.” 

 

Ben took out a coat from the closet and held it out. “This is, uh, probably too big, but it’s like -7 out, so you should wear something so you don’t die.” It  _ was _ too big, bigger than what was reasonable, but Rey took the coat anyway and followed him into the living room. “There’s a store called Searle over across Central Park. We can stop by and get you something that fits better.”

 

“I really don’t need a coat, Ben, it’s fine. I’ve got one at home.”

 

“Yeah, but you really should have more than one. Besides, it’s New York City. Treat yourself once in a while.” He reached for a coat rack that was by his door and pulled off a scarf, wrapping it loosely around her neck. “Get your shoes on.”

 

Rey sighed but relented, slipping her old trainers on as Ben went to grab his own coat and shoes. Her feet were already cold by the time they were finished, but Ben looked incredibly warm in his coat and boots. “Okay, where are we going?” she asked as he locked his door. Her backpack was hanging off her shoulder, less heavy now that she removed all of her clothes and laptop. 

 

“First, the parking garage, then to Searle. After that, well, I’ve got a few things in mind.” He was already walking down the hallway, and Rey had to run to catch up with him.

 

“Parking garage? I thought you didn’t own a car.” When he gave her a strange look, she quickly added “Your mother mentioned it in our collab.”

 

“No, I do. She doesn’t know that, though. My mother doesn’t exactly… agree with how I spend my money. Thinks it’s wasteful and whatever.” 

 

“Really? I wouldn’t imagine having a toaster worth more than a month’s rent on my flat would be considered wasteful. But you do you, you know.”

 

He laughed and turned a corner. She followed. “Listen, I just take pleasures in small things. Toasters are one of them. Stop judging me. Also, it’s not like it’s hard to get a price higher than your flat. How much do you pay for that thing? 200?” 

 

Rey rolled her eyes but stayed silent until they reached a parking garage that was attached to the building. Ben pressed a combination of buttons, giving him access to it, and she followed him through the garage until he stopped at spot J-18. He pressed a button on his keys, and the car chirped. “Are you kidding me?”

 

“Huh?”

 

“You own a Range Rover?”

 

He stared at her like she’d grown a second head. “Yes? What’s wrong with Range Rovers?”

 

“I…” She shook her head and moved to open the passenger door. “I was expecting something more sporty.” 

 

The car was quite nice, though, she noticed as she got in it. It was all black, including the leather interior. It had to be a recent edition and looked brand new. It wasn’t something she’d expected him in, but it suited him well. “No. Those are over-priced, unsafe, and impractical. Also, I’m six-foot-three. Can you see me cramping myself in a little sports car just to drive to the supermarket?”

 

“Not really. Nice to know you aren’t a total prick, though. At least when I die I know it won’t be in some Lamborghini worth more than my entire net-worth.” Rey fastened her seatbelt and watched as Ben started the car. “Please tell me you’re a good driver.”

 

Ben shifted gears and started backing out. “Of course I am. I’ve been driving for 15 years.”

 

Rey sat back and added up the numbers in her head. “You weren’t driving when you were 14, were you? I know America’s slack on their laws, but really?”

 

“I got my permit when I was 15, and I’m 30 now, so…” Finally backed all the way out, he navigated his way out of the parking garage.

 

“30? When did you turn 30?” The last time she’d checked he was 29, and that wasn’t too long ago. 

 

“November 15th. We… weren’t talking at that time if you remember.” Ben stopped at the gates to the garage and rolled down his window to press in a code again. Once he did, the gates rolled up, and he merged out onto the road. 

 

_ Fuck, I forgot his birthday. _ It was stupid of her. She’d known his birthday by heart before 2012, but the memory of it must have faded after she blocked out every single thing she knew about him after that. “Why didn’t you say anything about it? 30? That’s a big deal.”

 

“No, it’s fine. I didn’t do much to celebrate it. I don’t remember it myself half the time, so it’s whatever. I might’ve bothered you about it if we were still talking, but I didn’t for obvious reasons. Don’t worry about it.”

 

“I won’t.” It was a lie, but she wouldn’t tell him that. She felt awful, honestly. What kind of person forgot their friend’s birthday? Finn, technically, since he always sent her birthday wishes two days early, but that’s mostly a joke now. No, Rey was a bad friend, so she’d just have to make it up to him somehow.

 

The drive to Searle was a lot shorter than Rey was expecting, but they ended up having to walk a block since parking was so bad. The streets were far busier than one would think for Christmas Day, which led to Rey’s next question. “Shouldn’t this store be closed? It’s Christmas Day, so—”

 

“I know a guy,” he said, looking down at his phone as they walked. “Just leave it to me.”

 

Rey did, but she just rolled her eyes when the building they went up to was locked. “I told you. So much for ‘your guy.’”

 

“Ye of little faith, never underestimate me and my contacts.” Right on cue, a man appeared at the door, looking exasperated. 

 

“Ren, really?” he said after he opened the door. Ben took Rey’s hand and tugged her into the building to escape the cold. “It’s Christmas Eve. Why in god’s name do you need a winter coat today? It couldn’t have waited until Tuesday?”

 

“You owed me a favor, Mitaka. Just be happy it’s this simple.” He turned to Rey. “Pick out whatever you want. I’ll wait here.”

 

Rey looked around at the store and the racks and racks of coats. It definitely wasn’t anything like the places she went to get coats since she’d gotten her last one for £3 at a thrift store, but she ventured in anyway, eyeing each rack meticulously. 

 

There were no clearance racks like she was used to, which concerned her since most of the coats she picked up were anywhere from $100 to $1,000. Some of them were downright ridiculous, orange art projects of thrown-together fur, but there was some that seemed rather practical. Still ridiculously out of her budget, though.

 

Within 10 minutes, she went back to Ben, who was leaning against the checkout counter and talking to Mitaka. “This stuff is way too expensive.”

 

“This ‘stuff’ is designer, excuse you.” Rey wanted to be offended, but she ignored Mitaka, who seemed way too invested in the conversation.

 

Ben rolled his eyes at him and turned toward Rey. “Just pick out whatever you like. I’ll take care of it.”

 

“‘Take care of it’ either means you’re paying for it, bartering it, or stealing it, none of which I’m letting you do.”

 

“I’ll only take the first option,” Mitaka piped up and was immediately silenced by a glare from Ben.

 

“Show me what you want,” Ben said, and knowing she wouldn’t get out of it, Rey led him to one Navy blue coat that was fairly practical. Except the price tag was $299.99. “Try it on. If you like it, put it on the counter.”

 

“Ben—”

 

“It’ll be your Christmas present.”

 

“You don’t need to—”

 

“Rey.”

 

She groaned and took off Ben’s coat that she was wearing, throwing it over his head. She took her size off the rack and zipped it up, pleased with how it didn’t hang off her like her other coats did. “How does it look?”

 

Ben raked his eyes over her quickly before smiling. “Perfect. Do you want it?”

 

“Yes, but—”

 

“No buts. Take it off. I’ll take it to the counter.”

 

Knowing she wasn’t going to win this fight, Rey took off the coat and handed it over to Ben, who put it back on the hanger and walked it back over to the counter to pay. She followed him and shuffled nervously as Mitaka rang it up and it showed the total. 

 

“That’ll be $326.61. Credit or debit?”

 

“Debit.” Ben handed his card over, much to the dismay of Rey, who grabbed his hand out of necessity. “Are you okay? You look like you’re about to faint.”

 

She shook her head and squeezed his hand. “I… need air.”

 

“Okay, just a second.” Mitaka handed him his card back, and he put it back in his wallet. Rey took the coat Mitaka offered and put it on before leaving with Ben to face the desolate weather. Once they were outside, Rey let out a breath, which vaporized in the cold air. “You okay?”

 

“Yeah, I just… It’s stupid.” She rubbed her hands together.

 

Ben moved closer, zipping up her jacket and pulling her hood up. “Of course it’s not. You can tell me anything.” He took the scarf off his arm and wrapped it around her neck. “We’re friends, aren’t we?”

 

_ Friends.  _ Yeah. That’s what they were. “I… don’t like spending money. It’s not like I’m a cheapskate or anything. It literally makes me ill to spend more than £100 at a time.” He took her hand and slipped on her glove. “I don’t know why. I think just because I spent so long with no money that I’m afraid I’m going to lose it all somehow. It’s dumb, I know, but it’s one of those things that I can’t help.”

 

“That’s why you live in your apartment? It’s because you’re too afraid to move somewhere more expensive?” He took her other hand and put on the last glove.

 

“Partly. Nostalgia is the rest. I’ve lived there since 2011. I’ve outgrown it, and I know I could afford better, but I just can’t part with it.”

 

He nodded. “I get it. You should think about it, though. It’s almost 2018. Maybe time for a change?”

 

“You just don’t want to come back to Peckham, do you?”

 

“You… want me to come back?”

 

Her cheeks flushed. She blamed it on the weather. “I’d like you to. I think it’d be nice.” When she realized what that insinuated, she added “To film another collab.”

 

His face fell just the slightest bit. “Of course. Um, do you wanna head back to the car? We better get started before it gets too late.”

 

Rey nodded. “Let’s go.”

 

Ben kept his hands to himself for the walk back to the car, and Rey found herself wishing for him to hold her hand like some kind of child with their first crush. It was silly of her, but just being around him made her feel like she was 13 again, hoping that one popular boy at school would do more than ask her for a pencil. He never did of course, which didn’t make Rey feel any better about her situation with Ben.

 

Rey was shivering when they finally got back into the car, feet cold from the lack of protection from the snow. “Where are we going next?”

 

He tossed the coat Rey had borrowed into the back. “If it were warmer I’d take you to Central Park, but it’s sort of fucking cold, so we’re going to do some real New Yorker things.”

 

“Is anything actually open?”

 

He laughed. “Most places will be closed, but this is Christmas Day, a huge money-making opportunity. All the touristy things, yeah, but nobody wants to go on those anyway. I’m going to give you an authentic New York experience.”

 

And so, Rey slouched in her seat, not knowing that “an authentic New York experience” meant eating a slice of $1 pizza while walking three blocks to a flea market where at least three people have already gotten into a fight.

 

“What the hell is this?” she asked. They’d picked up the pizza after they got out of the car and realized it was past noon, continuing their walk down the street until Ben steered her into the market. She had been expecting a lot of things, but a flea market in freezing weather was really not one of them.

 

“This isn’t where we’re going. It’s just a shortcut. Keep walking.” Rey followed him for a while before grabbing his hand just to keep them from getting separated.  _ That’s the only reason. _ Even so, she appreciated how warm his hand was against hers. She could definitely get used to this.

 

The thought of someone recognizing them was low, but it was still something that nagged at the back of Rey’s mind. They weren’t celebrities, not really, but Rey got recognized all the time in London despite how she tried to keep a low profile, so it wasn’t outrageous to imagine someone spotting them in a busy city like this. The very thought almost made Rey let go of his hand, but she squeezed tighter instead. New York couldn’t be taken away from them.

 

New York was theirs.

 

They finally stopped at a building a few minutes later in a run-down part of the city. Windows all around were boarded up, signs missing letters, and streets littered with unshoveled snow, but Ben didn’t seem to mind as he opened the door to the store.

 

Heat it Rey like a brick when they stepped in and shrugged off their coats. From the outside, the building was plain, but inside it was filled from top to bottom with bookshelves. After hanging up their coats and gloves on a coat rack, Rey followed Ben further back into the store.

 

“Who is it?” They turned a corner and ran smack-dab into a woman, glasses perched on the end of her nose. “Oh, you again? This is the fifth time you’ve been here this week, Solo.”

 

Rey looked over at Ben, who had the slightest red tint on his cheeks. She wasn’t sure if it was from the cold or sheer embarrassment. “Hello, Maz. Nice to see you again.”

 

“Uh-huh.” She set a book on the shelf next to them. “And who’s this? I haven’t seen her around here before. New girlfriend? This is the first you’ve brought to see me.”

 

Rey’s face flushed as she stuck out a hand. “I’m Rey. Ben and I are just friends.” It hurt to say, but she pushed away the feeling.

 

Maz looked at her over her glasses and shook her hand. “He lets you call him Ben? Interesting. And why have you come here? Surely there’s better things to do on Christmas Day than to bother me.”

 

“We won’t bother,” Ben said, stepping in. “I was just going to show Rey around. She’s never been to New York before, and her flight got delayed, so we’re spending the day together.”

 

“The night too?” Maz laughed at their expressions. “Look around all you want, but don’t mess up my displays.”

 

Ben mumbled out a thanks before taking Rey by the hand and leading her around the corner and up the stairs. The bookstore was different than any one she’d ever been in. Everything wound together in a strange combination of halls, each room leading into a different genre or age range. Ben seemed to know it by heart as they went room to room.

 

“What is this place?” Rey asked as they ascended another set of stairs.

 

“It’s a bookstore” was all he said, and Rey fought the urge to roll her eyes. She stayed silent as he pulled her further into the ridiculous tunnels. A few minutes later, they stopped at what seemed to be the attic. It was darker than the rest of the place, and Ben had to turn on the light to navigate it. The room was small with just a few bookshelves, most of it devoted to be what she assumed was a sitting area.

 

“I used to come here as a child,” he said, leading her over to a chair. “Maz is one of my mother’s friends. When my mother would have to leave for business, she’d leave me with Maz, and I’d spend the day working here, stocking books or just reading. Sometimes I’d come over here anyway on days where I needed to be alone. No one liked coming up here in the attic because it’s haunted or whatever.”

 

Rey sat on the loveseat and draped her legs over Ben’s lap. “It’s haunted? That’d be a fun video.”

 

He laughed and untied her shoes, slipping them onto the floor. “We really are disgusting YouTubers, aren’t we? Constant video ideas, planning collabs six months in advance, already dreading VidCon. It’s insane.”

 

“I know. Sometimes I wish I could just… leave it. Quit YouTube, be something else. I could never do it, though.”

 

“Why?”

 

She sighed. “I don’t have anything to fall back on. I dropped out of university, so I have no degree. I have no job experience except for waitressing and two months as a grocery store cashier. YouTube is all I have, so I have to stick with it for as long as possible.”

 

“Oh. Is that why you post videos so often?”

 

“No, I just like doing it. It… gives me something to do since I don’t really have anyone in London.” Three videos a week. It was borderline obsessive. One would think she’d have run out of ideas by then, but everything was quantity over quality on that site anyway.

 

Ben nodded but didn’t answer otherwise, focusing his attention on her feet in his lap. It was strangely domestic, the way they touched each other, and Rey found herself wishing that it could be like this all the time. Just him and her exploring new places and eating pizza and talking about life. It was a stupid fantasy, but it still made her chest ache in a way she couldn’t describe.

 

Rey wasn’t sure how long they stayed there. Eventually they got off the loveseat and walked around hand-in-hand as Ben showed her all the books he’d read as a child. It wasn’t exactly the day she was imagining, but none of it felt forced, like she was forcing on a smile everywhere she went. There, they were alone, accompanied only by Maz, dim lights, and thousands and thousands of books.

 

Was this what she wanted? Did she want every day to be like this? Did she want Ben Solo to go along with it? The logical answer was no. She’d only seen the guy how many times in person? Three times? It was silly of her to be questioning their relationship—whatever it is—like that. Sure, she liked him, but could he after everything?

 

“Rey?”

 

She looked up at Ben, who was slouched against a shelf. “Huh?”

 

“You ready to go? It’s almost 4:30, and I don’t want to be stuck in rush hour when we try and get back home.”  _ Home. _ He didn’t seem to notice the word, but it stuck out to her more than it should have. 

 

“Y-Yeah. Let’s go.” She slid the book she was holding back onto the shelf and took Ben’s hand again, letting him lead her out of the maze of books. Maz was sitting at her desk near the entrance and looked up at them as they came. “We’re going to get going now. Thanks for hosting us.”

 

Maz nodded and looked back down at her papers. “I trust you cleaned up after yourself up there.” Ben nodded, and she added “As well as any used condoms?”

 

“M-Maz!” he sputtered, walking faster toward the door.

 

“I was just playing, child! Be safe on those roads, you hear?” 

 

Ben ignored her and grabbed his and Rey’s coats and gloves. They dressed quickly and rushed out the door, both of their cheeks warm against the cold air. “Sorry about that,” Ben mumbled, hands in pockets. “Maz is… crazy. Don’t mind her.”

 

“It’s okay. Does she do that to every girl you bring?”

 

“I, uh, haven’t brought anyone there.” He glanced at her once before fixing his eyes on the sidewalk. “It’s not something I really like to share with people.”

 

Rey opened her mouth to speak but decided not to, staying silent as they walked through the flea market again. There were food trucks all down the street, jamming up pedestrians and traffic alike. He didn’t offer his hand out again, and Rey didn’t ask for it, instead sticking close and not caring how many people she bumped into.

 

The walk through the snow felt worse this time around, water soaking its way through Rey’s trainers and socks and leaving them freezing. She almost wanted to ask for boots, but knowing him he’d break into some designer store and make her try on every single pair just to make her happy. So she dealt with the pain, thankful that his car was close by.

 

“Is there anything else we’re doing?” she asked, breaking the silence on the drive back. 

 

“There’s a lot we could do, but it mostly has to do with food because we just eat ninety-six percent of the time. There’d be more, but Christmas Day, you know.”

 

“Well,” she began, drumming her fingers on her knee, “what do you do when you go out?”

 

He looked at her for a moment before returning his eyes to the road. “Me?” Rey nodded. “Oh, uh, I don’t leave my apartment a lot, but when I do it’s usually walking around a little, getting food, sometimes shopping.”

 

“Take me then.”

 

“What?”

 

“Show me what you do.”

 

He shook his head. “Okay then, but you’re not allowed to call my routine sad or anything.”

 

She smiled. “I won’t. I promise.”

 

It turned out, Rey realized later, that she and Ben had more of a similar lifestyle than either would admit. He spent most of his time in his flat filming videos and scrolling social media, and the times they did go outside were spent walking around and trying to avoid people as much as possible. That’s how they ended up sitting on a Central Park bench in -4°C, toying with snow that hadn’t yet been shovelled from the ground.

 

“So do you feel like a real New Yorker yet?” They were sitting so close, huddled out of necessity against the cold metal of the park bench. 

 

Rey pulled the scarf up higher. “No, and I’m not sure I want to be. I prefer my dreary London more than anything now. New York is nice, though, I’m sure. Just not when my ass feels like it’s going to fall off at any time.”

 

“You should come visit during the summer months. It’s much nicer but hotter than you’re used to.”

 

He wanted her to visit again? Visit again and do what, exactly? She tried not to read into things, but it was hard. “I’d like that a lot. Maybe next summer. Sometime when it doesn’t get dark at five-thirty.” 

 

Ben looked up at the sky. The sun was already setting, encasing parts of Central Park in shadows that we just starting to turn to darkness. “Jesus Christ, you’re right. We should probably go soon. What do you want for dinner? I don’t have a lot at my place, but we can stop at a restaurant around here if you want.”

 

The pizza during lunch was starting to wear off, so Rey was grateful for the offer of food. “Do you have Burger King around here?”

 

Ben rose an eyebrow. “Burger King? You come to New York and ask for something you can get back in London?”

 

“Hey, I’m just saying. New Yorkers like it fast, don’t they?”

 

“Don’t say that,” he said, digging out his phone and opening the Maps app. “The closest Burger King is on the Upper East Side. With traffic, I can get us there within 30 minutes or so. Is that good with you?”

 

“Perfect.”

 

Ben didn’t eat a lot of fast food. It was something Rey knew immediately when they arrived. He stared at the menu behind two other people, who mumbled their orders to a bored-looking cashier before taking their extra large drinks and filling them to the brim with some Coke.

 

“What are you getting?” Ben asked as the line moved.

 

“Four orders of the $1.69 nuggets, fries, and a drink.” It was always her go-to order on food back in London, and when Finn was visiting they’d always fight and see which one of them could eat the most nuggets. Rey always won.

 

“You know you don’t have to order off the dollar menu or whatever. It’s fine if you want an actual meal.” Of course he wouldn’t understand. He’d probably order some kind of burger with too much lettuce because he was kind of a prick, but nuggets were iconic, the thing that kept the restaurant industry afloat.

 

“I think I’ll be fine.”

 

“Suit yourself.”

 

They ordered and, sure enough, Kylo got a triple-stack with no onions or tomato. Rey stared at him in disgust when he put hot sauce on his burger, and he stared back equally disgusted when her 40 nuggets were laid out, as well as every single kind of dipping sauce in their inventory. “What the fuck are you doing?”

 

She dipped a nugget into her barbecue sauce and took a bite. “Eating.”

 

“There’s no way you can eat 40 chicken nuggets.”

 

“You fool. My record is 72, but I probably could’ve done more if I hadn’t had breakfast that morning. I’ve spent years practicing this technique. Chicken nuggets are an art.”

 

He threw a fry at her. “You’re a fucking weirdo.”

 

“Yeah, but you like me.”

 

“I do.”

 

They talked easily the rest of the meal, Ben finishing his burger long before Rey. The sun was almost completely drowned out then, the cars and businesses alike turning on their lights. Rey started feeling the effects of her chicken nuggets at number 29 but pushed on, unwilling to be defeated. Her stomach groaned when she reached number 40, but Ben high-fived her nonetheless and even carried her cup of Mountain Dew back into his Range Rover.

 

“So is this how New York is all the time?” she asked on their ride back, staring out the window at the traffic and the people walking and the lights of the city. Peckham was less busy, but she found that she didn’t mind the bustling city as much as she thought she would.

 

Ben didn’t answer for a few minutes before finally saying “Not really.” She didn’t press on.

 

By the time they made it back to Ben’s building, it was 18:30, and even though her jet lag should keep her up for several hours more, Rey found herself becoming tired. It was until a bunch of dachshunds came around the corner with their owner that she felt awake again.

 

“Your building allows animals? You should totally get one!”

 

He laughed. “I think Hux’s is enough for me. I’m not really good at taking care of myself, let alone animals. Hux made me catsit Meredith for a week, and she nearly died because she’s a demon and can’t be left alone for more than three hours.”

 

“It’s okay. I’m not a cat person, either. I like dogs, though. I’d like to have one one day, but my landlord doesn’t allow pets, so it’ll be a while.”

 

“That sucks. We have some kind of dog park in the building where owners take them to play or whatever. It’s weird.”

 

She shook her head. “What does your building  _ not _ have? Really, I’m curious.”

 

He approached the elevator and clicked the  _ up _ button. “I don’t know. We have a bar, pool, gym and kid’s area too. I don’t even know why I live here half the time, but I always say the amenities are fantastic.”

 

“Sounds like it.” The elevator door opened, and they made way for a few people walking out before getting on. Ben pressed the button for his floor. “So, um, I know I’ve already said this, but I really want to thank you for taking me in. And now I’d like to thank you for easing my boredom too. This day was really fun, and I enjoyed spending it with you.”

 

“Of course. You’re welcome anytime here. I know you don’t like the city that much, but if you ever find yourself stranded at an airport, just drop by. I’ll probably be here since I never go anywhere.” He slouched against the wall, and Rey stepped toward him.

 

“There was, uh, something I wanted to talk to you about, though.” She cleared her throat and tried to hide the blush spreading across her cheeks.  _ You’re not in primary school anymore, Rey. Pull it together.  _ “It was about what we did… last night.”

 

He nodded and pressed his lips together. “What about it?”

 

“Well, it sort of happened suddenly, and I’m not sure if it was just an anomaly because we were both exhausted or something else. I don’t know, I’ve just been thinking about it a lot, and I don’t want to misread the situati—”

 

Ben stepped forward and pressed his lips against hers, just for a split-second. “You’re not misreading anything, Rey.”   
  
Her mind was spinning. Really, she should’ve expected this with how they acted last night, but there was still that doubt nagging at her mind. “W-What?”

 

He pressed a hand to her cheek. “That night when you asked me to fuck you… It broke my heart partly because I wanted to. Badly. I didn’t know if you were just spouting off bullshit or if you actually wanted it, so I never broached the subject again.”

 

“I…”  _ Fuck _ . “I wanted to. I wanted to a lot, but I never… had the courage to admit it to you.”

 

“Okay, um, what does this mean then? For us?”

 

He was asking a simple question, but it had implications she was almost scared to answer. She opened her mouth but was saved when the elevator dinged. Instead of answering, Rey grabbed Ben’s hand and pulled him into the hall. His flat was just two doors down, but it was one of the longest moments of her life to wait as he fumbled with his keys against the door. Finally,  _ finally, _ it unlocked, and Ben swug the door open and pulled Rey in before shoving it closed behind him.

 

Immediately, Ben’s lips were on hers, hard and rough, nothing like they were last night. He pulled his gloves off and his bare hands moved to the zipper of her coat, pulling it down and pushing the coat off her shoulders. She’d been cold all day, but now she felt nothing but warmth as he pressed against her.

 

“Ben,” she said, pulling away. “Take your coat off.”

 

He pulled back and undid the zipper of his coat, depositing it onto the floor before kissing her again. Rey removed her gloves and scarf and put them with the coat on the floor of Ben’s otherwise clean flat. As he pressed his hands under her shirt, Rey slipped off her shoes and socks.

 

“Bed,” she said, voice just above a whisper. Yesterday when she asked, it had been full of excuses, but she knew it ultimately would lead to the same thing. And at that moment, she wanted nothing more than his body on top of hers the entire night.

 

Ben kissed her one more time before grabbing her hand and leading her down the hall. His room was bigger than the guest bedroom, but it was just as impersonal. The only thing that would tip her off that he owned it was the cluttered desk and camera perched in the corner of the room.

 

Ben took off his shoes, leaving them at the base of the bed and was on Rey again in an instant. She sat down on the bed and lifted her shirt over her head, throwing it somewhere on the floor. His hands rested on her hips as he kissed her, just above the fabric of her jeans. She fiddled with the hem of his shirt, and he took the hint, pulling it off quickly. 

 

Rey slid back onto the center of the bed and laid down as Ben pressed his lips against her neck. He took his time there, gently trailing kisses from her jaw to her shoulder. Rey closed her eyes and focused on the way he touched her, the way his fingers felt on her thigh, how is body pressed against her. 

 

The whole situation was so strange when she thought about it. Not 24 hours ago, she thought he hated her. Not 6 months ago, she hated him herself. It was almost funny now, but the world liked to work like that, didn’t it?

 

“Rey?” Her eyes snapped open, and she was greeted with the sight of Ben Solo, hands on the top of her jeans. “Can I?”

 

She nodded, holding her breath as he unbuttoned her jeans and helped him ease them off. He settled himself between her legs and kissed her stomach, hands sliding lower until his fingers toyed with the hem of her underwear. They didn’t move to do anything, instead just remaining there as his lips pressed against her hip bone.

 

“Your pants,” Rey said, breath wavering. 

 

Ben scooted off the bed and unbuttoned his pants, letting them slide down to the floor. Rey had seen Ben half-naked once before, during the collab at her flat back in August, but she hadn’t paid close to attention then to how big he actually was. Now she wished she had so maybe she could quit from gawking as he crawled back onto her bed and kissed her again.

 

“You okay?” he asked, pulling away and pressing his nose against her neck.

 

She brushed a hand through his hair. “More than. I was just… I didn’t know you worked out.”

 

“I have a free gym. Might as well use it, right?” He brought his head up and looked back down at her. “Are you sure you’re okay? You seem a little… I don’t know, squeamish.”

 

Did she? She hadn’t really been paying attention to her own reactions, but she didn’t expect him to either. “No, I’m fine. I just haven’t done this in a while.”

 

He pressed a kissed to her cheek. “I’ll be gentle, I promise.”

 

“I didn’t say you needed to do that.”

 

“Hm, really?” He moved further back onto the bed and pressed a kiss to her inner thigh. Rey gasped as he did and grabbed the duvet. She was on the edge of self-consciousness with him that close. She hadn’t shaved her legs since two days before, and even if it wasn’t that bad yet, she still found herself thinking about it as he touched her. Ben didn’t seem to mind though, or if he did, he didn’t show any indication of it.

 

Half of Rey couldn’t even believe this was happening. She’d fantasized about this before, about his head between her legs as he ate her out, about how he’d feel inside her. Then it felt so silly, something that would never happen, but now they were so close to crossing the line that had been separating them for so long.

 

His fingers stayed on her thighs, not going anywhere near where she really wanted them, but his mouth brushed her bikini line, breath warm against her skin. “Ben,” she gasped out. “Ben, stop teasing me.”

 

He pulled away and moved back up to kiss her lips. “Patience was never your strong suit, was it?”

 

“Fuck no.” She wrapped her arms around his neck. “I’ve thought about this for so long,” she said, pulling him closer. He was pressed into her so tightly she could feel his cock through his underwear. “I didn’t realize you want this or I would’ve suggested this a lot sooner.”

 

Ben laughed. “I’m pretty sure you did back in November.”

 

“Listen, alright, drunk me had the right idea, just very poor execution.” Rey ran her fingers through his hair. “Are you going to take anything else off?”

 

He kissed her cheek. “Let me grab something first.” Rey whined when he got up off her and ran into the bathroom. He was only in there for a few moments before she started getting impatient.  _ What could possibly be so importa—  _ “Bad news.”

 

“What?” She looked over at him, noting the blush on his chest fondly. 

 

“I… don’t have any condoms.” 

 

_ Fuck.  _ That put a damper on a few plans. “That’s okay.” She stood up and walked over to where he was leaning against the doorway of the bathroom, wrapping her arms around his neck. “We can always just—”

 

“Pull-out? What are we, in high school?” He pressed a kiss onto her neck. “Rey, come on. We’re smarter than that.”

 

Goddamnit, he was right. She knew she’d regret it if they went along with it. Besides, if something happened a baby would be something that she would not want to explain to Poe. “Okay, you’re right. There’s other stuff we can do, though. I’m not very good at oral, but I can try if you promise not to laugh at me.”

 

Ben looked down at the floor, refusing to meet her eyes. “Actually, I was thinking maybe we could wait on that.”

 

Rey shook her head and ran her thumb across his cheek. “Why? Did I do something wrong?”

 

“No! No, I just… I think we might be moving a little too quickly. I mean, we haven’t even been out on a date or anything.”

 

“You took me to Burger King.”

 

“Burger King is not a date.”

 

“Tell that to my last ex. At least you get it.” She rolled her eyes and pushed back the memories. “Okay, I get it. We have been moving really fast. If you don’t want to do anything right now, then I can wait for whenever you’re ready, but the moment you are I want you to fuck me into the mattress, alright?”

 

He nodded with red cheeks. “Okay.”

 

“Good.” Rey opened his top dresser drawer and pulled out one of Ben’s t-shirts, slipping it over her head. “Let’s go. I say we watch Shrek tonight.”

 

“No!”

 

* * *

 

Of Lies And Other Pretty Things by  Rexa

youtube - Fandom

**No Archive Warnings Apply ,** Kylo Ren/Rey, Rey Of Light (YouTuber), Kylo Ren (YouTuber), Sin With Finn (YouTuber), Poe Dameron (Youtuber), Rose Tico (YouTuber), Jessika Pava (YouTuber), Armitage Hux (Youtuber), Alternate Universe - Post-Apocalypse, Slow Burn, Enemies to Lovers, Loss Of Virginity, Smut, Angst, Sorta Mad Max-ish but not really, Don’t hate me too hard guys, Welcome to the Pain Train

_ “Who are you?”  _

_ She looked down at herself, suddenly self-conscious of her body that was covered in grime, and met the man’s eyes once more. “I’m no one.” _

Language: English  Words: 57,598  Chapters: 10/?  Comments:  205  Kudos:  472  Bookmarks:  903  Hits: 8,594

 

Coding by  Dianaplois

youtube - Fandom

**No Archive Warnings Apply ,** Kylo Ren/Rey, Finn/Rose Tico, Rey Of Light (YouTuber), Kylo Ren (YouTuber), Finn (YouTuber), Poe Dameron (Youtuber), Rose Tico (YouTuber), Armitage Hux (Youtuber), Alternate Universe - Medical, Smut, This is just pure filth I’m sorry, They be fucking where they should not, I actually did research for this so please appreciate me, Typical Medical Gore, Some Problematic Behaviors

Rey just graduated med school with honors. She should be happy to be accepted for an interview at the most prestigious hospital in New York, shouldn’t she? Well, it’d help if her boss weren’t a conniving prick.

Language: English  Words: 9,268  Chapters: 3/5  Comments:  82  Kudos:  302   Bookmarks:  57  Hits: 3,467

 

The Hate I Give You by  WingViola

youtube - Fandom

**No Archive Warnings Apply ,** Kylo Ren/Rey, Rey Of Light (YouTuber), Kylo Ren (YouTuber), Mutual Pining, Idiots In Love, First Kiss, Regret, Light Angst, London, Tropes and Cheese Abound

Kylo’s never been one for words. Rey’s never been one to listen.

Language: English  Words: 3,567  Chapters: 1/1  Comments:  54  Kudos:  679   Bookmarks:  34  Hits: 2,456

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey, y'all! Long time no see! lol no it's been like four days, but the response last chapter was SO amazing I am literally in awe. This chapter doesn't have a _ton_ of plot, but I think y'all deserved some major fluff after that light angst I sprinkled in there a while ago. Again, thanks for so much support on this. I love y'all so much, and you're warming my cold heart, I swear.
> 
> Follow my Tumblr and feel free to ask questions: https://reyloday.tumblr.com


	17. This Is Where I Leave You

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Things get a little (just a little) angsty

_4:23._

 

The clock was bleary, but Rey just made out the numbers in the darkness. Next to it, her phone lit up and rang with the irritating, generic pre-installed Samsung ringtone. It was still dark out, not even the busy traffic yet penetrating the silence.

 

“Who is that?” Ben mumbled against her chest. They were in his bed, blankets wrapped around them in some kind of cocoon to keep the chill away.

 

Rey had to pry Ben's arms off her to reach for her phone and answer. “Hello?”

 

“Rey!” _Finn._ “Shit, where have you been? I called you like eight times today. I thought you got kidnapped or something! Is everything okay?”

 

Fuck. She'd seen Finn call once or twice while she and Ben were watching Shrek, but she'd ignored them so that she didn't have to lie to him quite yet. It seemed that that plan had back-fired.

 

She rubbed her eyes. “God, I'm sorry. I totally forgot.”

 

“Have you been sleeping off jet-lag for that long? I was getting worried sick, Rey. You can't just do that.”

 

“Uh, yeah, the jet-lag was really bad. I've been sleeping non-stop since yesterday. I hope I didn't worry you too much, sorry.” A lie. She knew Finn wouldn’t react well to her staying over with Ben, so it was better to just to keep the information from him for now. Or forever would be nice too.

 

“That's okay. I was just worried about you. Everything okay?”

 

“Everything’s great. Um, would you mind if I called you later?” She looked down at Ben, who gripped her waist unrelentingly. “I'm still really tired. I think I might be getting sick.”

 

“Aw, honey, I'm sorry. You rest, and let me know if you need anything. Good night and Merry Belated Christmas.”

 

“Good night, Finn. Merry Christmas.” With that, she hung up the phone and put it back on the nightstand.

 

Ben pressed his hand further under her t-shirt, drawing circles over her bare skin. “You lied to him.” It wasn't a question.

 

“Yeah.”

 

“And you don’t want him to know you’re staying with me.”

 

She turned over to face him, pressing her cheek into his chest. “Ben, can we please talk about this later?” She wished they could. She wished they could lay down everything and talk about where they stood as professionals and friends and rivals. She wished she could just figure out these stupid feelings she had for him.

 

 _Later,_ she promised herself.

 

But what was later except her leaving him?

 

“Okay.”

 

They woke up again to the same ringtone at 8, and Rey nearly threw the phone across the room. “What?” she answered, rubbing at her eyes.

 

“Hello, ma’am, I’m calling for Rey Smith. Is this her?”

 

She sat up, ignoring Ben’s groan of protest. “Yes, that’s me.”

 

“Great!” The voice was too chirpy, practically fingernails across a chalkboard. “I was notified to call you about a rescheduled flight that was delayed on December 24th at 7:25pm Eastern Standard Time at John F. Kennedy International Airport in New York City, New York. Can you confirm for me that this was your flight?”

 

“Yes, it was.”

 

“Alright, well, the airline has rescheduled the flight for today, December 26th, at 2:50pm EST. Is this time manageable for you?”

 

“Sure, I guess.”

 

“Great. Would you like me to book you via phone or send a text message to your phone and you book as soon as possible that way?”

 

“Text, please. Is that all?”

 

“Yes, ma’am. Have a good day!”

 

Rey laid back down and pressed herself against Ben, who she was unsure if he was actually awake. “I have to leave today,” she whispered, squeezing his shoulders lightly. “Are you going to miss me?”

 

“Yes.” He opened his eyes then and drank her in. “More than you can understand.” _What does that mean?_ She thought about asking but decided not to. He probably wouldn’t give a straight answer anyway. “I’d... I’d like to see you again before Playlist Live in April. I don’t want to wait four months.”

 

“What if we get photographed?” It was always a risk when they went out. The press usually wasn’t a problem, but getting approached by fans happened a lot, and it wasn’t something Rey wanted to risk.

 

“Does it matter?”

 

“Yes.”

 

He didn’t answer, instead pulling away slightly and shifting to lie on his back. “Okay.”

 

She reached over to touch him. “Ben—”

 

“I’m going to take a shower,” he said, dodging her touch and getting out of the bed. Rey didn’t try to follow him, opting to stay in the bed as he walked off. _Just give him a few minutes. He’ll be fine._

 

Rey stood up and walked out of the bedroom toward Ben’s other bathroom. She was still wearing nothing but his shirt and her underwear, unbothered to put on anything last night. They’d fallen asleep far past midnight after binging three Shrek movies, which were as bad as she remembered them being as a kid. She was sure Ben had meant for her to go to her own room when 3am hit, but she followed him into his, and he hadn’t forced her to leave.

 

It was selfish of her, really, taking all of this and then leaving. It’d cause them nothing but pain later, but for now, well, it felt alright.

 

The shower was just as nice as Rey remembered, so she took longer than she had last time, just standing under the stream as everything from the day before washed away. Except it didn’t, not really. She still remembered the way he touched her and kissed her and looked at her like she was his everything. The world was cruel like that, wasn’t it? Giving her everything and making her leave it so quickly.

 

 _I’d like to see you again._ He wanted to pursue something with her, that much was obvious. What it was, Rey wasn’t quite sure yet. She doubted it was purely sexual since he’d cut off all of her sexual advances for one reason or another. It had to be something else then.

 

It was possible that he was just interested in pursuing a romantic relationship with her and hadn’t had the courage to say so. Unlikely, but possible. Even if he was, Rey wasn’t sure if she’d even agree to date him. He was perfect, and it seemed like she ruined everything she touched. She couldn’t do that to him, no matter how much she wanted to.

 

Rey wasn’t sure how much longer she stood under the water, scrubbing away at her skin. It was only when she noticed the temperature was dropping that she finally turned off the water and got out of the shower. As she dried off with a towel from the rack, she realized she’d forgotten to bring a change of clothes in with her from her bedroom. Embarrassment flooded over her, but she pushed the feeling away. _He’s seen you half-naked. You’re just being stupid._

 

Grabbing the clothes from the floor and tightening the towel around her body, Rey opened the door and walked barefoot down the hall toward her room. She heard clanking in the kitchen and peeked over the corner to see what Ben was making but was met with something very different instead.

 

“Hux?”

 

The man made a noise that resembled a shriek and whirled around. He was bare from the waist up, which almost made her look away. “Who the fuck are you?”

 

Rey narrowed her eyes. “You don’t know?” She probably couldn’t blame him too harshly since she definitely didn’t look like herself with wet hair and clothed in nothing but a towel, but the man had to be smarter than people made him out to be.

 

“Drunk girl? That’s you, isn’t it? What are you doing here?”

 

She suddenly noticed the cat sitting at his feet, purring incessantly. Millicent the Cat. She could guarantee she was more famous than her owner at his point. “Um, well, I was invited here. I don’t believe you were.”

 

He laughed and opened Ben’s refrigerator. “I’m never invited. I have this thing called a key. God knows how many times Kylo’s tried to confiscate it, but I’ve made copies. Still doesn’t answer my question, though. Why are you here?”

 

Rey shifted uncomfortably foot-to-foot, wrapping her arms around her to better keep the towel up. “Yeah, that’s none of your business.”

 

Hux pulled out a container from the fridge and set it on the counter. “You can say you were fucking. We’re both adults here.”

 

“No!” It wasn’t a lie. She’d definitely tried, but those planned got changed. “He was just helping me out.”

 

“With your sexual frustration? It’s okay, hon, we all get it. You’ve always struck me as an ice-chewer.” He opened the container and grabbed a spoon out of the silverware drawer. “No need to keep it a secret. Not from me, at least. Kylo’s told me everything about you.”

 

Her face flushed, no matter how she tried to will it away. “Please get out.”

 

He rolled his eyes. “Kylo will be in the shower wanking for probably another five minutes, so I’m good until then. I won’t get in the way of your dicking, trust me. I don’t want to.”

 

“That was _not_ what we were doing, alright? I just needed help, and Kylo offered to let me stay here until my flight to London got rescheduled. Nothing else is going on.” That was definitely not believable, even to someone as stupid as Hux.

 

“Nothing. Interesting. And is ‘nothing’ how you got that hickey on your neck?”

 

Her hand flew up to her neck. She hadn’t noticed this morning, not bothering to look in the mirror when she showered. “Fuck.” Good thing it was scarf season.

 

Hux laughed and took a bite of whatever was in that container, chewing thoughtfully for a moment. The cat at his feet did nothing but stare at Rey. “You’re not cryptic or very smart. Why else would you be walking around naked in his apartment? Logic, Rey, really.”

 

“We didn’t have sex. It was nothing like that.” _Nothing, right._

 

“Sure it was. You took your clothes off pretty frantically based on the coats thrown on the floor by the door.” She was silent. “Did you blue-ball him?”

 

“No!”

 

“Ah, he blue-balled you then. Yeah, that seems like a Kylo thing to do. Don’t worry yourself about it, though. Just leave him alone for a week, and the next time you see him he’ll jump all over you.” He continued eating whatever food was in the container.

 

 _God,_ she hoped so. “Okay, thanks for the info, but you really should leave.”

 

Hux waved his hand. “Yeah, yeah, go suck his dick or whatever. I’ll leave.” He bent down to grab his cat and walked out the door, container of food in hand.

 

Rey sighed and walked into her bedroom, discarding the towel onto the floor. Her bag was on the floor, rummaged through from the morning before. The camera equipment was tucked carefully into the corner, while her clothes took up the rest of the space. She pulled out a t-shirt with some emo band from 2004 on it and jeans, along with a new bra and pair of underwear, and dressed quickly as the cold nipped at her skin. Afterward, she walked out of the room, letting her her wet hair air dry.

 

It was Ben who was in the kitchen this time. He was turned away from her, now wearing a t-shirt and jeans, as he made his breakfast, again putting the milk before the cereal. Knowing him, he probably did that solely to make other people mad.

 

“How was your shower?” she asked him, sitting down at the bar stool perpendicular to him.

 

He grabbed a spoon from the silverware drawer and put it in the cereal. “Fine.” He didn’t go on, didn’t say anything else or make any kind of conversation. Rey was a woman, so she knew this kind of drill well enough to know what “Fine” meant. It was never good.

 

“Are you okay?”

 

He nodded and took a bite of his cereal, carrying it over to the couch. Rey followed him and scooted as close as possible. This morning felt very similar to a morning-after. She doubted it would’ve been very different—Waking up in the same bed, showering, eating breakfast. At least he wasn’t the type to use her as a quick fuck and leave before he even got her name. No, she was nothing like the guys she’d hooked up with, which was why she needed to fix this tense air between them.

 

“Ben, tell me what’s wrong.” She sat a hand on his thigh. “Please? I don’t like it when you’re upset with me.” Communication was something she really wasn’t good at, but they both desperately needed it if November was any indication. She absolutely hated all these moments that fell victim to this awkwardness or just their stupid miscommunication.

 

“I’m not upset with you,” he said, setting his cereal on the coffee table and turning to face her. “It’s stupid. I… don’t want you to leave.” The words made her chest ache. “I wish you could stay. I had a lot of fun with you, and I just wish…” _Finish the sentence, Ben._ “I wish we could do it again.” It wasn’t the ending she wanted, but she could sense it there anyway.

 

“I know. We can still Skype, though, right? I’ve missed your shirtless fuckboy videocalls.”

 

He smiled then, just a bit. “Of course. As long as you match me.”

 

Rey giggled and scooted over to straddle his lap, pressing her lips to his neck. “Every time.”

 

She loved this feeling of lightness around them, yet the knowledge that it would be ending so soon still nagged at her brain. Deny it as she would, she knew she could’ve gotten used to this, waking up next to him and sitting with him as he ate breakfast and trudging around in the snow while he showed her things to do in the city. She could’ve gotten used to the feeling of him pressed against her and his lips on hers or even Hux intruding on their private lives with his stupid cat just to steal their food.

 

It was a twisted fantasy, mostly because she knew it could never happen.

 

“Ben,” she whispered as his fingers dug into her ass, “did you know you gave me a hickey?”

 

He pressed a kiss to her throat and pressed his thumb into the bite on her neck. “No, but it suits you. I like it.”

 

“You’re a weirdo. Do it again.”

 

“Again?”

 

She kissed his cheek and curled her fingers into his slightly damp hair. “You heard me.”

 

Ben laughed and moved his lips down to her neck. “You’re making this harder.”

 

“Making what harder?” she asked, grinding down on his lap and taking pleasure in the hiss that came from his mouth. He wanted her, it was easy enough to tell even now, but it wasn’t worth pursuing yet, not when they had so little time. They could do it one day, though, one day when absolutely everything was perfect.

 

 _Just stay._ The words nagged at her mind, but she pushed them away. Stay? Stay and do what? Stay and tiptoe around the question of their relationship? Stay and fuck and act like everything’s okay? No, she couldn’t do that. This thing they had… It would wear off. It always did when it came to stuff like this.

 

His mouth was on her neck, nipping at the skin right above her t-shirt. Rey knew what a nuisance covering up love bites were, so she wasn’t looking forward to having to wear a scarf her entire flight, but it was worth it to see him like this.

 

The longer she spent with Ben, the harder Rey knew it would be to leave, but she didn’t have the will to push him away or try and tell him to stop. She didn’t _want_ to. Being with him like this was easy, comfortable. He accepted her through so much, after fucking up time and time again, but he never seemed to care. Some may have called it love, but it wasn’t. Of course it wasn’t.

 

“Rey.” The sound of her name brought her back to reality, but she only found herself in the same position with his lips pressed against her neck. “My cereal is getting soggy.”

 

“Fuck your cereal,” she said, kissing him again. “I’d rather you fuck me.”

 

He laughed and ran his thumb across her cheek. “That’s not all you’re good for. You know that, right?”

 

Rey rolled her eyes. “Of course I do.”

 

Ben flipped her onto her back, pinning her hands above her head and straddling her hips. It reminded her too much of the night before. “I mean it. You’re absolutely gorgeous, but you’re also hilarious and smart and don’t take anyone’s bullshit.” He pressed his nose into her neck. “Why do you think I like you so much?”

 

“You didn’t always like me,” she mumbled against him.

 

He choked out a laugh. “Of course I didn’t. I thought you were annoying and overbearing for the longest time. Turns out that was just you doing what you do best.” He pulled away and looked her in the eye. “Winning.”

 

“Winning?”

 

“Yes, winning. Haven’t you always wondered why you’re still famous? Haven’t you always wondered why you haven’t decreased in popularity since 2012?” Ben laughed when she shook her head. “It’s because you know how to win, and you know how to do it well. You think the drunk video was what brought you here? No, that was a meme, a one hit wonder, if you will. It was what started it, but it was you who figured out the game, and it’s still you who constantly win.”

 

“I… don’t understand what you’re talking about.”

 

“People _like_ your content, Rey, but they like _you_ even more. They like you because you’re real and it shows. Me? People know I’m fake. People have known for years I’m really just a loser who pretends to be someone behind a camera. You? You’re not different behind camera. You’re nearly exactly the same person on and off, and people appreciate that. You’re not putting up a persona, but you’re using your realness to attract audiences and constantly make content that everyone loves. YouTube hates you, but that doesn’t matter because everyone else loves you.”

 

Rey almost asked if he was crazy. At first it seemed he was spouting off nonsense, but the longer she listened the more it made sense. YouTube had never favored her content. It never followed what they wanted her to be as a creator, but she never really suffered because she had an audience behind her, an audience that tended to hate YouTube just as much as she    did.

 

“You underrate yourself a lot more than you should, Rey.” He pressed a kiss to her neck. “You’re absolutely insane, but the image is quite befitting.”

 

It wasn’t exactly a compliment, but it still made her blush. “You can’t just say things like that.”

 

“Like what?”

 

 _Like you never want me to leave. Like you want to keep up this routine that will end up ruining us both. Like you lo—_ “Nothing,” she said, running her hands across his cheek. “Nothing. I, uh, I should probably pack up my stuff.”

 

He nodded and got off her, picking up his cereal. “Fuck, it’s soggy.”

 

* * *

 

The next few hours were spent in a mixture of Rey getting ready for her flight after confirming the details on her phone and Ben moping as she did so. It wasn’t a secret he wanted her to stay, and to be honest, Rey almost wanted to as much as he did.

 

She was tempted—God, she was so tempted—but there was no reasonable way to do it. She already lied to Finn about where she was (which he would definitely find out about eventually), and her entire life was back in London. She couldn’t just leave it for this… fling. In the end, Rey needed to go, no matter how much she wanted to stay.

 

Ben drove her to the airport himself, and they sat in his Range Rover in near silence. Rey’s backpack sat between her legs, her suitcase in the very back. She wore her new jacket and fiddled with the zipper as a distraction from her thoughts.

 

“I’m going to miss you,” he said as they exited from the highway. It was the first he’d spoken the entire trip.

 

Rey only nodded and pulled out her phone. “I know.”

 

They were silent again until they pulled up to the terminal entrance and waited as the cars and buses ahead of them pulled up. “Thank you,” she said, “for everything.”

 

“Always.”

 

They pulled up to the loading zone, and Ben put the car in park. They sat for a moment, just staring at each other until Rey leaned over her seat and wrapped her arms around him. He stiffened under her touch before reciprocating the gesture. “Come to see me. Soon. Please,” she said.

 

“I will.”

 

Rey pulled away first but returned by pressing her lips to his. The kiss was soft, full of promises neither were sure they’d get to keep, but it was hopeful. It _meant_ something. What it was? She wasn’t exactly sure yet, but it was there. Somehow.

 

Ben pulled away before things could go any further and kissed her cheek once more. “Have a good flight. Let me know when you get there.”

 

She smiled and ran her thumb across his cheek. “I will. Thank you, Ben. For everything.” She kissed him one more time and opened the door. After grabbing her suitcase, Rey stood on the sidewalk in the freezing cold and waved to Ben as he pulled away, blinking away the tears in her eyes.

 

_You’ll get over it. You always do._

 

* * *

 

Tonya Beauchamp @tonybeau · 25 Dec

Y’all……… I just saw Rey and Kylo Ren walking around NYC together while holding hands

 

VK Serino @vkserino · 25 Dec

_Replying to @tonybeau_

Pics or it didn’t happen

 

Tonya Beauchamp @tonybeau · 25 Dec

_Replying to @vkserino_

[Image]

IM SERIOUS

 

Reylooflight @reylooflight · 25 Dec

_Replying to @tonybeau_

HOLY SHIT WHAT THE FUCK

 

Janserrupt @jannicel · 25 Dec

_Replying to @tonybeau_

Were you just following them around or something

 

Gina McLellan @ginamclellan · 25 Dec

_Replying to @tonybeau_

Are you kidding me? That could be anyone…

 

Kylosdick @kylosdick · 25 Dec

_Replying to @ginamclellan_

Nah, that’s definitely Kylo. I’ve seen that coat before, and I’d know my boy anywhere. You can’t clearly see the girl’s face tho. It could just be a new gf

 

Reyso @reyso · 25 Dec

_Replying to @kylosdick_

I don’t think that’s Rey. The girl in the pic is too tall to be Rey

 

Sam Ren @samren · 25 Dec

_Replying to @reyso_

Rey’s literally 5’7” though. Both she and the girl come up past Kylo’s shoulder.

 

reyso @reyso · 25 Dec

_Replying to @samren_

I’m just saying it doesn’t make sense for her to be rey? Why would she be in new york? That girl doesn’t even look like her. Rey is much prettier.

 

Kylosdick @kylosdick · 25 Dec

_Replying to @reyso_

1st of all i don’t fucking know i don’t even like her

2nd of all don’t insult whoever that is just because it’s not your precious rey rudeass bitch. God i hate rey fans

 

Reyso @reyso · 25 Dec

_Replying to @kylosdick_

Yeah and i hate kylo too so guess we can just agree to disagree

 

Jame Delarose @jrose · 25 Dec

_Replying to @tonybeau_

That could never be Rey. That jacket costs like $200, and Rey rarely wears anything over $50

 

Sin With Finn @sinwithfinn · 26 Dec

_Replying to @tonybeau_

Rey’s at home at her flat sleeping off jet lag, guys. She wasn’t with Kylo.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey, guys! Thanks for the feedback last chapter! Y'all are amazing as always. We're getting really close to the end AHHH idek what i'm gonna do with my life after this. I'll definitely try and finish Anonymous Complications for those who are wondering. Thanks so much to everyone who has stuck with me this far, as well as my new readers. Love y'all so much <3 Also, happy birthday to Andi!
> 
> Follow my Tumblr: https://reyloday.tumblr.com


	18. Karma's Got Its Kiss For Me

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Things get a little... more honest.

_ 2018 _

* * *

 

**Who Is The Mysterious New Girlfriend of YouTuber, Kylo Ren?**

 

_ Posted on January 29th, 2018, at 3:24 p.m. _

_ Dena Hampstead _

_ Buzzfeed staff _

 

There’s been a lot of buzz going around the internet lately about Kylo Ren, mainly about the girl who he was caught holding hands with during a stroll in New York City. Fans of Kylo know that we already know very little about his personal life, so getting a glimpse of a partner is a very rare experience. In fact, the last woman Kylo has been seen being comfortable with was way back in 2016, but even then, the relationship was never confirmed.

 

So this begs the question, who is this mysterious lady, and why is Kylo so enamoured with her? There have been many speculations out on the internet. Many were quite reasonable, others… not so much. Here are a few options that have been quite popular.

 

  1. **His sister**



One of the more… interesting theories I’ve seen on the internet is that Kylo is holding hands with his sister? Kylo’s mentioned before he has no siblings, but a few have taken to the theory that Kylo is lying to us all and does, in fact, have a long-lost sister. My opinion? Bullshit. But you do you.

 

  1. **Armitage Hux**



What’s even more outlandish than the idea of Kylo Ren galavanting around town with a secret sister? Well, it’s Armitage Hux cross-dressing and growing several inches shorter because he wants to be out with his bae! The internet sure loves its Kylux, which is one of the top ships in Tumblr’s fandometrics, but the two YouTubers have voiced their discomfort over the ship, so realistically, guys, it’s not happening.

 

  1. **Rey Of Light**



This is one of the most popular yet controversial and complicated theories. Some people have noticed that the girl in the photo with Kylo has a very similar build to fellow YouTuber, Rey Of Light. Even I agree, but many people have denied this, especially in light of the fact that Rey and Kylo have had a rivalry since 2012. Even Rey’s friend that she spent the holiday with, fellow YouTuber Sin With Finn, has denied Rey being anywhere near New York and was sleeping off jet lag at her apartment in London. Many have claimed Finn was just covering for Rey, though, since the girl in the photo really does look very much like her. 

 

At this moment, no one has confirmed or denied anything, but hopefully Kylo can confirm sooner rather than later. 

 

So what do you think? Does Kylo have a secret sister? Is Armitage Hux a secret cross-dresser? Are Rey and Kylo having a secret affair? Tell us in the comments!

 

_ More like this: _

_ Is Oprah running for president? _

_ 10 Reasons You Should Stop Yelling At Snow _

_ 39 Hilarious Tumblr Posts That You Can Absolutely Relate To _

_ 8 Ways To Make A Peanut Butter And Jelly Sandwich _  
  
  


* * *

 

Rey arrived in London. Her flight was nothing special, nor was it a disaster. She spent a few days afterward in her flat alone, contemplating life, but eventually went outside just to feel the sting of the cold air. London was nothing like New York. It was warmer, the air was cleaner, and there was less traffic. She found herself missing it, though, even as the memories crept further and further away from her mind.

 

By late January, everything hurt a little less. Rey continued making videos as usual, ignoring whatever gossip was going around on the internet at that point. As she thought, a single image had been circulating around of her and Ben taken in New York, but her face hadn’t been clear, so no one really could confirm or deny. Ben had apologized profusely afterward, of course, and Rey had to keep him from beating himself up about it.

 

They texted every day now. There were rarely mornings that she didn’t wake up to a new message or meme from Ben, and even rarer were the days she received nothing at all. Their Skyping had become a routine for them as well, something they did nearly every other day at least. Usually it consisted of late-night talks where Rey would ending up staying much later than she should, and other times it involved… a lot less clothing.

 

After everything, even after leaving him, for the first time Rey actually felt happy. It was silly that resolving one little argument and returning to her home changed her mood so drastically, but suddenly she stopped posting emo shit on Twitter or reblogging those sad trash bag aesthetics on Tumblr. Suddenly she was actually happy.

 

Video ideas came easier than ever, including the songs that had been seriously lacking on her channel. Lately she’d just been posting pre-recorded covers since she had little inspiration to write her own, but as time went on Rey found herself opening her song book and locating a few lines she’d written way back in November during her and Ben’s separation:

 

**_Forgive me pls (??? working title)_ **

_ Oh would you be so kind as to fucking forgive me _

_ You see I’m trying _

_ I know you know that I like you _

_ But that’s not enough _

_ So if you will please fucking forgive me _

 

It was barely enough for a chorus. Looking back at it now it was a little pathetic, honestly, but the memories were still fresh and clear in her mind. She still felt them to an extent now, the knowledge at how much she fucked up then, but she doubted Ben would really want to be reminded of such a thing.

 

Still, Rey was tempted to finish it and send it to him as a belated birthday/Hanukkah gift. As she looked further at it, though, it didn’t wasn’t really something she could relate to anymore. Sure, it definitely expressed her feelings of remorse back then, but now it was just… sad.

 

And so, Rey flipped to the next page as she sipped her coffee. 

 

**_what is this (idk working title)_ **

_ Snow falling all around us, world is falling apart _

_ Clothes falling on the floor, and our restraint ain't far _

_ You look at me like I'm a goddess or some kind of queen _

_ You think you're nothing but you're so much more to me _

 

_ Our little secret moments that nobody know _

_ Is this just between us baby don't let me go _

_ The world is tearing us apart every day _

_ Gotta leave tomorrow but tonight I will stay _

 

Now those lyrics were… something, truly. She’d written them on the plane back to London after her and Ben’s two days together. It was never something she’d planned on posting since it was so personal to them, but the lyrics and melody bugged her enough to make her write them down.

 

After searching through several more little fractions of verses and bridges, Rey gave up and threw her notebook onto the coffee table. Her viewers would just have to deal with another cover of a song for a while.

 

She opened up her laptop and clicked on her Tumblr site. If there was one thing Rey could be proud of, it was definitely reyoflight dot tumblr dot com. Nothing could quite compare to the functionality yet meme-ness of her theme, something Rey spent months slaving over when she first set it up. It was the only fucking reason she knew how to code, and the only thing she ever needed it for. Even if the theme was quite exceptional, links were always outdated every time she posted a new video, so there was always a constant need to update them so her followers would stop yelling at her.

 

As Rey worked on updating her links, her phone started buzzing.

 

**_Incoming call:_ ** Poe

 

“Hello?” she answered, setting her phone between her ear and her shoulder as she typed. “I thought we agreed you only call me at 5pm on Wednesdays if someone died. Who’s dead?”

 

“No one’s dead, Rey.”

 

“Then someone’s gonna die. You know this is my designated work time.” She was only half-joking. It was a rule she and Finn implemented when they were in secondary school to get them to actually do shit, and it was something that always stuck with them as adults. Or somewhat-adults.

 

“I know, I know, but what if I told you it was really important?”

 

“No.”

 

“Okay, well, I have a present for you, but if you don’t want it then, I’ll take it back.”

 

Though Rey definitely hated being interrupted, she definitely liked presents even more. “Okay, fine. I won’t kill anyone today, but the present better be good. Where is it?”

 

“Open your door.”

 

“I swear to god, you better not be getting me a stripper,” she said, jumping up and heading over to her door. Poe didn’t answer, but Rey didn’t bother to say anything more.  _ There could definitely be worse things than a stripper, right?  _ She opened the door slowly, but she definitely wasn’t expecting what was waiting on the other side. “I should have fucking known.”

 

“Surprise!” Poe smiled and wrapped his arms around Rey. “Please don’t murder me. Finn dared me.”

 

Rey almost rolled her eyes. Of course he did. “What are you doing here?”

 

Poe pulled away and walked past her into her flat. Rey closed the door behind him. “I spent some time in New York after leaving Santa Monica, and then I decided to pass through here on my way up to Scotland. Hope that was alright.”

 

“Besides interrupting my Wednesday, you’re fine. Are you staying the night?”

 

“In Peckham?” He laughed. “Fuck no. I’ve said it before, and I’m gonna say it again. You need to move.”

 

“Thanks for the advice, but I’m fine. I’ve lived here since I was 18. I know how to deal with this bullshit.”

 

He raised up his hands in defense. “Alright, whatever. I get it. Anyway,” he said, plopping down on her couch and peering over at her laptop, “what are you doing? Running your porn blog?”

 

“I reblogged lingerie once. You really need to stop calling my blog a porn blog.” She shut her laptop and sat down next to him, tucking it into her side. 

 

“I’m not judging. You have to get your sexual frustrations out somehow.” She didn’t tell him that she’d been getting them out rather efficiently with a very certain person in mind. “You haven’t been laid in how long?”

 

Rey hoped the blush on her cheeks wasn’t as visible as she felt it was. “Really? You’re going to ask me that? And when was the last time you had an actual relationship?”

 

“Hey, hey, we were just talking about getting laid. Besides, it’s not like your last boyfriend was very recent either.” It wasn’t technically misinformation. She and Ben hadn’t exactly put a label on what they had yet. “The last time I got laid was… two weeks ago. Beat that.”

 

She laughed. “You’re an asshole.”

 

“Funny, he said they exact same thing.”

 

“Okay, never mind. I’m not going to ask.” She knew better than to have conversations about Poe’s sex life at this point. He was so attractive that he had really no problem picking up any guys he wanted, and it tended to just make Rey feel even worse about herself. Now, though, she really couldn’t imagine herself going out to a club just to pick up guys like Poe. It’d feel like cheating, even if she wasn’t technically taken. “How was New York?”

 

“I feel like I should be asking you the same thing.”

 

Her face was red, she could already tell.  _ Fuck fuck fuck.  _ “What… do you mean?” 

 

“You know what I mean. I saw those pictures. You might as well tell me now.” His expression was unreadable, so there was no way to tell if he was mad or not. Hell, why wouldn’t he be? She’d be upset if her best friends didn’t tell her about some secret relationship.

 

Rey shook her head. “Poe, I—those—”

 

“Rey, come on. I’m not stupid. Finn isn’t either, but he can’t accept that you lied to him. You really should tell him.” Rey had thought about it so many times, but every time she tried, her voice got caught in her throat. Finn no doubt knew by now, which would explain the distance he’d been putting between them lately, but she couldn’t seem to spill.

 

She groaned and put her face in her hands. “Fuck, I can’t. It’s really complicated, Poe. Finn hates Ben. He wouldn’t understand.” Okay, “hates” might’ve been exaggerating a bit, but it wasn’t too far off. Even if Finn definitely had been a fan back before everything happened, he still had some type of grudge on Kylo. Hate? No. Mutual dislike? Probably.

 

Poe rose an eyebrow. “Ben? If you’re calling him Ben, then it’s definitely time to tell Finn. Just remember he didn’t like any of your other boyfriends either, and Kylo’s definitely one of the more decent ones I’ve met. Remember Brad?”

 

“We don’t talk about Brad, Poe.”

 

“You’re right, and we don’t talk about him for a reason. We don’t talk about him because he’s an asshole, and Finn hated him from the beginning. The thing is, though, Finn will hate any boyfriend you ever get because you’ve had so many shitty ones in general, and he hates seeing you getting your heart broken. Telling Finn now might be annoying, but it’s better than him finding out down the road that you kept him a secret for so long. And as a guy, let me tell you Kylo does not like being kept a secret either.”

 

She sighed. “We’re not even dating. I don’t even know what we are at this point.”

 

“Have you fucked?”

 

“Poe!”

 

“What?” he asked. “It’s a valid question. Also, after that pregnancy scare you gave me, I think I deserve to know. You stayed with him in New York, and I’m assuming you slept over, so it’s not wild of me to assume.”

 

“It wasn’t like that. I mean, it was, but we didn’t have the proper resources to do it.”

 

“Resources? As in you didn’t have condoms?” He laughed when Rey flushed. “Well, good for you for not doing it because I wasn’t kidding when I said I’d never forgive you if you ever had unprotected sex again.”

 

Of course he was hung up about that still. He probably would be for the rest of her godforsaken life. “First of all, I never had unprotected sex. Well, I have, but not in that situation. Secondly, I’m probably going to have unprotected sex again someday, so you’re gonna need to get over whatever weirdass fear you have.”

 

Poe sighed. “Okay, fine, but you have to at least be engaged. I’ll accept no less than that. And if I hear of any children before you’re thirty, god help you because I am not adopting any of them because you fucked some married YouTuber on a drunken one night stand and got pregnant.”

 

“I’m not fucking any drunk, married YouTubers any time soon, Poe, I promise.”

 

“Good, because I’m not sure your future husband, Kylo, would appreciate that.”

 

“We’re not even dating, Poe, please stop.” Still, the thought of it went through her head before she could stop it. Marrying Ben was definitely some silly fantasy, but she could imagine waking up to him every morning with glasses and bedhead, letting him cook breakfast she’d never eat, and do stupid couple’s yoga and buy things in pairs and rearrange his silverware drawer. A silly fantasy, yes, but fuck, why did it hurt so much?

 

“You’re saying that now, but let him fuck you once, and you’ll be crawling all over him.”

 

“You say that as if you’re speaking from experience.”

 

“I’m not, but I wish I was.”

 

Rey laughed out loud. “God, you’re as thirsty for him as I am.”

 

“Ain’t that the truth?” He shook his head. “But I’m serious. I love you a lot, and I don’t want you ending up pregnant and having him leave you. If he does, I’d personally beat his ass, but I really don’t want to have to deal with that. Just promise to make the right decisions.”

 

“I’ll try, Poe.” And she meant it. She really did. “Even if that happened, Ben wouldn’t leave me. He’s a better person than most make him out to be.”

 

“Yeah, yeah, whatever. Things get muddled when you’re horny. But how about we don’t find out about whether he’d leave you if you got pregnant and prevent that from happening in the first place, yeah?” He pulled his suitcase onto his lap and opened it, digging through it for a moment before pulling out a small box. 

 

“Poe—” 

 

He tossed the box to her. “Take it. I can pick some up later.”

 

“Poe, really? I don’t need a full box of condoms. I won’t be seeing him for a while.” They were a good brand, though, definitely not the cheap ones Rey would’ve bought for herself. “Wait, why do you have extra large size?”

 

“Please, you think I only carry one size? I have enough for my personal use, but I figure Kylo would appreciate not having the circulation cut off his penis.”

 

“Poe!”

 

He laughed and zipped his suitcase back up. “Listen, I know you aren’t gonna buy any good ones for yourself, so take those and store them away for the next time your boyfriend visits and you can fuck like bunnies the next time you see him without the risk of a little one.”

 

Rey’s face was burning, but she took the condoms anyway and sat them on her end table. “Okay, fine. He’s not my boyfriend, by the way. We’re just—”

 

“Having Skype sex and watching stupid movies together until you fall asleep?” She stayed silent. “I know the drill, kid. Deny it all you want, but both of you know what’s happening.”

 

“And what is that?”

 

“You’re both fucked.”

 

Rey almost denied it, almost. Poe knew the truth, or at least part of it, and even that was enough for him to understand. She really was fucked, and there really was nothing that could help her. Except… “Even if I was, it doesn’t matter. We’d just be playing out a relationship that could never work. You know that, right?”

 

Poe gave her a half-smile. “For someone in love, you really have very little faith.”

 

“I’m not in love with him.” Even she knew it was a lie.

 

“Sure, Jan. Have you not seen yourself? Wait, of course you haven’t. Have you seen  _ him?  _ Jesus Christ, Rey, watch his videos for once in your goddamn life and you’d understand just how much he loves you.”

 

“He doesn’t love me, Poe.”

 

“Whatever helps you sleep at night.” He took his phone out of his pocket and snapped a picture of her. “You’re so fucking stupid.”

 

“Put that on Instagram and I’ll murder you.”

 

“Fight me.” 

 

“Stop your creepshots or I might.” She took out her own phone and opened up YouTube without the intent of actually doing anything. 

 

Poe leaned over to look over her shoulder. “Go onto Kylo’s channel.” Rey was almost tempted to argue with him, but she knew it was fruitless, so she did as he asked. “Alright, go back to the November 15th video. It’s called ‘The Internet And Other Things I Hate.’”

 

She hadn’t seen that video. She hadn’t seen most of his videos, technically, but she doubted he’d looked at hers either. “What, does he talk about how much he hates me?”

 

“Jesus Christ, would you shut up? Just click on the video.”

 

Rey huffed but did as she was told. Kylo only uploaded once a week, so it didn’t take too long to scroll back to November and click on the video in question. She sat silently and watched it. There wasn’t much of a difference besides him looking a little more unkempt than usual. “What was I supposed to be watching?” she asked him after it was over. As much as she loved hearing Ben’s voice, it wasn’t really him. It was strange how different he was on camera. His voice was deeper, movements more precise, and generally more intimidating. That wasn’t the man she knew, even back in 2007.

 

“This was the video he published after Rewind. You know… after the situation. He’s literally a mess. Everyone online noticed. I’m not surprised you didn’t know about it since you hated absolutely every mention of him after that, but this is not the Kylo the internet knows.” It wasn’t the Kylo she knew either. God, what happened to him?

 

She rewatched the video, and Poe’s points got clearer. There were more jump-cuts than she knew he liked, and the editing was a bit off. He also looked more tired than she’d ever seen him. It was similar to the way he looked when she came over on Christmas, but she hadn’t noticed then, too caught up in the awkwardness of the situation.

 

“He looked like this all the way until his video after Christmas, which was, I assume, after you visited him and resolved things. Am I wrong about that?”

 

“No.”

 

“So there you have it. He’s so in love with you that he’s a mess when you’re fighting, every time your name is mentioned he lights up, and will ruin anyone who says something bad about you.”

 

“You never mentioned anything about him ruining anyone for me.”

 

“You should check his Twitter more often.” Poe shook his head. “Anyway, the point is that he’s completely in love with you but is waiting for you to make the first move because he’s insecure about his feelings.”

 

“How do you know this?”

 

“I’m a guy, Rey. I know the guy mind, and trust me, this is Love 101. You’re just too blind to see it.”

 

Rey slouched against her couch and sighed. Poe was wrong. Ben wasn’t in love with her, but there was still this stupid part of her that hoped he was. It was cruel, but so what? Maybe she was in love with him sometimes, but those feelings always faded. There was no use in pursuing anything with him yet. Honestly, Rey was already ready to die alone. “I’m not blind, Poe. Maybe he does love me. I don’t know. It doesn’t matter, though, because we could never work.”

 

He rolled his eyes. “You’re so fucking stubborn, god.”

 

“What, you actually expected to me to say I loved Ben Solo right off the bat?”

 

Poe jumped off the couch. “SO YOU DO ADMIT IT!”

 

“I admit nothing. I’m just saying—”

 

“God, I’ve know it since the first time you said you loved him in that collab. I’m the first Reylo shipper.”

 

Rey shook her head at him. She’d never get over that fake “I love you” during their first collab together. Everything seemed so simple back then. There were no complicated feelings or painful separations, just fond jabs and banting and drinking that led to small confessions. There was none of this confusion, but Rey didn’t regret any of it. Given the choice, she would’ve done it all again. Call it love, call it whatever you want, but she wouldn’t ever willingly give up what they had.

 

Besides, it wasn’t like wanting to spend the rest of her life with him equated to love.

 

Or.

 

Wait.

 

“Okay, yeah, I’m totally fucked.” Her heart was pounding too quickly in her chest. It was the first time she ever really admitted it anywhere except the very back of her mind. “I’m in love with him.”

 

Poe actually choked on air and whirled around to face her. “Wait, what?”

 

She looked down at her hands. “I’m… in love with him.”

 

“You’re… goddamnit.” He shook his head, a hint of a smile ghosting his lips. “You really mean it, don’t you?”

 

Rey considered that question for a moment. Did she mean it? Did she actually, truly love Ben Solo? Could she picture herself next to him as they announced to the masses that they were together? Could she picture herself sticking with him through thick and thin? “Yes. Yes, I mean it.”

 

Poe pressed his lips together and leaned down to hug her. “I can’t believe my little sister is growing up. Soon I’ll be watching you walk down the aisle and have babies and be an adult and —”

 

“Poe, please calm down. No one is getting married or having babies or being an adult here. I’m just… admitting something that’s been a long time coming.” And it was. Even after 2012, they’d been drawn together one way or another. Last year, though, that was the year things seemed to go the way the universe wanted them to. Fate? Maybe. Luck? Definitely not.

 

He pulled away from her and sat down again. “What are you going to do? You have to tell him.”

 

“I can’t just tell him now.”

 

“Of course not. Your relationship is nothing but extra. Telling him over the phone is definitely not an option. You have to do something better than that. Do extra, be extra, live extra.”

 

“Alright then. What do you suggest?”

 

“I don’t know. I can’t do all the heavy-lifting in your relationship. Do something grand. Fly to New York or something. Show that you care.”

 

“Or I could just send him a meme. It’d be a really accurate reflection of our relationsh—”

 

“You are not sending him a meme to express your love for him.” He held up a hand when Rey opened her mouth in protest. “No buts about it. This is the only decent relationship that you’ve had in years. You have to make this special.”

 

She elbowed him. “Thanks, Poe. I appreciate that reminder. You’re the greatest friend. Glad we’ve gone so in-depth about my relationships, but you know this means now I get to pry deep into your love life, right?”

 

“Fuck no. Can we at least get dinner first? I only have four more hours until my flight up to Edinburgh.”

 

Rey laughed. “Deal.”

 

* * *

 

Dinner with Poe was an event, as always. They went down to Rey’s favorite pub, which also happened to have the best chips in the entirety of London, and talked about absolutely nothing for hours. By 20:00, it was long past dark, and Poe was just slightly drunk as he got in the Uber that he’d ordered to head for the airport.

 

“I really should walk you home, you know,” he said, putting his suitcase in the trunk of the car. They’d brought it along with them just in case they ended up running late (as they often did) and couldn’t get back to her flat.

 

Rey just shook her head. “Come on, you have to be on your flight in 30 minutes, dumbass. You don’t have time for that. This is my neighborhood, remember? I’ll be fine.”

 

“Okay, fine.” Poe closed the trunk and walked over to Rey to wrap his arms around her. “Be good, kid. Don’t forget about your boy. I’m not sure when you’ll be able to contact me next since I’m going off-grid for a while, but I’ll be around.”

 

“I’ll be fine. Promise to not get eaten by a bear again?”

 

“Promise.” He pulled away and pressed a kiss to her head. “Stay safe. Love you, fam.”

 

Rey opened the car door and smiled as he got in. “Love you too, fam. Text me pictures when you can.”

 

“I will. Bye!” He waved when Rey shut the door, and immediately the car pulled away.

 

Rey stood for a minute watching as he went until the car was nowhere in sight. She started walking then, tugging her coat tighter around her. It was the same one Ben had gotten her back in New York. Perhaps it wasn’t the smartest idea just in case someone happened to spot her with it, but it was dark enough to get by for now. 

 

A long time ago, Rey might’ve been afraid of walking in her neighborhood at this time of day. Peckham wasn’t exactly known for its family-friendly nightlife, but walking the streets really wasn’t as bad as people made it out to be. As long as you knew where you were, stayed out of trouble, and walked like you were ready to cut a bitch, people tended to not mess with you. 

 

The walk back to her flat was longer than she would’ve liked, but she didn’t feel like waiting around for an Uber, and the weather was much nicer than it had been recently, so she kept going. It wasn’t until 20:31 that she got back to her apartment building. (It would’ve been sooner, but a street vendor was selling churros, and who said no to street churros?) All the light on her building were off, but they always were, her landlord never bothering to get off his lazy ass and fix them. 

 

Rey jogged up the stairwell to her door, taking off her coat and draping it over her arm. She reached into her purse for her keys but stopped when she noticed the door was open just a crack. Her heart sped up as she combed through the memories of earlier when she and Poe left. Poe had been adamant about her locking the door, so she definitely did lock it. There would have been no way for it to have just flown open, which meant…

 

It was stupid of her, Rey knew it immediately, but she opened the door anyway and felt the crunch of glass under her feet. That was when everything clicked, including the door behind her. As she turned to run, the realization of what this was cast down upon her, the cold feeling of metal pressed against her neck along with a shaky grip on her waist.

 

Lips brushed against her ear. “Don’t move.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey, y'all! This author's note won't be very long, but I just wanna say thank you so much again to everyone! Y'all have been amazing as always, and I hope you enjoy this chapter. I warned some of you on my Tumblr for what's to come and let's just say... we're gonna board the pain train here soon :/ (NOBODY DIES THO OK) (EDIT: Forgot to mention this bc I was in a rush, but the first song in Rey's notebook was an edited verson of Dodie Clark's Would You Be So Kind)
> 
> Follow my Tumblr: https://reyloday.tumblr.com/


	19. Satanic Rituals Of What The Fuck

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Things get a little... desperate.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I've had a lot of concerns with the content of this chapter, and I'd like to stress while there are a few _mentions_ of rape (mostly in internal monologue and one mention in actual dialogue), nothing actually takes place in any way, shape, or form.
> 
> Trigger warning: There is a bit of violence (none of it is graphic) and a mild injury

There were three times in her life that Rey was absolutely, 100% sure she fucked up.

 

The first time it happened, she was 16 and in her new foster home after her old foster father had his heart attack. She’d experimentally drank some of her new foster parents’ liquor they had stored, not knowing that they measured exactly how much they had in each bottle. That was the first time they beat her.

 

The second time it happened was when she held a useless grudge on a man she’d unknowingly fall in love with five years later, a stupid decision that could've saved her so much time and heartbreak.

 

The third time it happened was here and now, stepping into the flat she’d had since she was 18 and then feeling the sting of a knife against her neck.

 

The man smelled of smoke, breath reeking of tobacco as he stood gripping her with shaky hands. She had to resist the urge to swallow against the knife. _Fuck, they were right._ “Let me go,” she whispered.

 

“Cooperate and I won’t hurt you. Understand?” His voice seemed vaguely familiar, low and raspy, but it wasn't one she knew well

 

“Screw you,” she spat out but gasped when the man ran the edge of the blade down her jaw. “What do you want from me? I don’t have anything worth your time.”

 

“Don’t think I don’t know who you are, Rey.” It was someone she knew then, of course it was. But who? There weren’t many people she interacted with besides the occasional few YouTubers around London. Other than that, there was really no one. Was it a fan? There were many that were certainly deranged enough. “Walk.” Rey dropped her coat and did as she was told, and he let up the pressure of the blade on her neck but kept it hovering.

 

Glass crunched under her feet as they walked. Rey tried not to focus on how wrecked everything was. This flat was her entire life. This flat had absolutely everything she owned, her livelihood, her possessions, her pain and history. It’d been robbed before, yeah, but never to this extent.

 

“On the bed.”

 

Rey stopped but was pushed along. “The bed?”

 

“Yes. Close your eyes.” Rey wanted to scream, wanted to fight and call for help, but the knife pressed further against her throat, so she did as he asked. A moment later, a piece of fabric was wrapped around her head, and even as she opened her eyes again, everything was dark. “Now lie down on the bed.”

 

She shook her head. It was foolish of her to try and resist now that the situation was nearly hopeless, but the implications of this… She couldn’t just stand there and let him do what he wanted to her. “No. No, I won’t. I-If you leave now, I won’t tell anyone about this. I won’t, I promise. Take whatever you want, but please just leave me alone.”

 

The man laughed. “You’re mistaking what I want, Rey. I don’t want _you._ What I want is for you to get out of my way.” He shoved her, and the metal of the knife struck her upper arm, tearing through fabric and leaving a stinging cut. “On the bed now.”

 

“Okay,” Rey squeaked out as he ripped her purse off her shoulder. Even if she didn’t want him to do anything else to her flat, the fact that he didn’t intend on doing anything to her specifically gave her everything she needed to obey. It was better to cooperate and deal with the consequences later rather than trying to defend what little possessions she had and end up getting stabbed as a result. This would be over quick. She just had to survive.

 

Rey let him shove her onto the bed and tie her up, tensing all of her muscles as he did so. The restraints—a belt maybe?—were tight around her wrists, securing her to either section of the headboard. His hands grabbed ahold of her foot and used both hands to wrap some fabric around her foot. The knife was absent from his hands, and suddenly, an opportunity arose.

 

This attacker, whoever he was, wasn’t very experienced. Rey could feel the hilt of the knife on the bed as he busied himself with tying up her foot. It was stupid to even think about it, but Rey found herself sliding the knife up with her foot until it was tucked under her thigh. It was a miracle that he didn’t see in general, but she still didn’t know whether or not he had other weapons on him. He didn’t seem like one to be very restrained. The cut on her arm was still burning, still bleeding. He could give her another one to match if he wanted to.

 

Had he been expecting her? If so, then there was a high likelihood he did, but if he was just planning a simple rob and run, then it was possible there was just a knife for safe-keeping. “What the fuck?” He let go of her leg. _Fuck._ “Where did it go?”

 

He was close, close enough to reach if she tried. It was stupid to consider, but she swung her leg, and her shin connected with bone. “Fuck!” It had to have been his face. Nothing else could have been that hard. She swung her leg again, but he caught it and laughed. “You stupid bitch. You’re going to regret doing tha—”

 

Rey pulled her leg out from his grip, but her trainer came off. Her feet wouldn’t be as protected, but the shots would’ve been just as effective. Before he could retain his grip on her, she hit him with another strike, this time a bit lower. She hit him again and again until he moved out of the range of her leg.

 

“Fine. If that’s how you want it.” He sounded like he was at the base of her bed. “I was going to untie you after I left, but I won’t now. Have fun getting out, bitch.” There was creaking against the floorboard as the man seemed to be walking out of the room. Rey counted the seconds he was away, trying not to focus on the sound of glass shattering in the other room. _It’ll be all over soon._

 

Sure enough, 367 seconds later, the front door slammed shut.

 

_Fuck fuck fuck._ He was gone. She had to have just walked in a few minutes too early then. Now she was alone, and she just had to figure out how to get out of her restraints. Her wrists were already bruising as she tugged, but the headboard didn’t give out and only succeeded in giving her terrible chafing.

 

It didn’t take long for Rey to realize she wasn’t getting out of their by herself, but there was no one around to help her. Screaming was an option, of course, but most people in this neighborhood knew to stay in their own lane and not get involved in situations like this, so that wasn’t an option at the moment. If only she had her—

 

_Thank fucking god._ Her phone was in her back pocket, not her purse, which had been taken by whoever it was. It didn’t help, though, that there was no way to get to it with no hands. That was it then. It was down to yanking until her arms bled or yelling until her throat was raw. Unless of course...

 

“Okay, Google.” Rey waited. It wasn’t going to work. _The thing barely worked when it was out in the open. It definitely wouldn’t work when I really need it._ It seemed, though, Google finally decided to take pity on her poor soul when that familiar bing sounded. “Yes! Call Finn.”

 

_“Calling Finn.”_

 

Finn would know what to do. Finn was good in situations like this. Finn could save her.

 

_“Hey, this is Finn. I can’t come to the phone right now, but leave a message after the beep, aight? Cool.”_

 

Rey wanted to cry. Finn always answered his phone unless something was wrong or it died. He was supposed to _be there._ “Hey, Finn,” she said after it beeped. Her voice was shaky, higher-pitched than usual. “Uh, please call back as soon as possible. It’s sort of an emergency and it really can’t wait. I’m not pranking you. Something’s happened. Um, okay, I’ll hang up now. Bye.”

 

She gave the command to hang up and immediately requested Rose’s phone. Again, she was met with nothing except voicemail. “Rose, it’s an emergency. Please answer as soon as you get this.”

 

She tried Poe, the sign of a lost cause since he never ever fucking answered his phone. “H-Hi, you’re probably not going to get this for a while since you’re on a plane, but… something happened. It’s an emergency. Please help.”

 

For most people, the police would’ve been the first option, but they did more bad than good in Peckham at this point, so she really just learned to keep them out of most situations. And so, without the police, Rey was out of options.

 

Except maybe one person.

 

It was getting harder and harder to pull herself together to speak normally, voice getting caught in her throat, but she managed to squeak out one last command. “Okay Google… Call Ben.”

 

_“Calling Ben.”_

 

* * *

 

There was nothing Ben Solo hated more than talking to his manager. As good as he was, Snoke was the skeleton of a man with the conscience of one too. For years he’d thought about finally firing him and getting someone he actually enjoyed talking to, but Snoke promised fame to a 23-year-old, and he’d more than delivered.

 

Not even Hux, who sat in his underwear on Ben’s kitchen counter eating cereal right of the bag, could work as a distraction from the yelling in his ear. “You’re weak, Kylo Ren. I’m telling you right now you have to break off this silly affair with some girl that’s using you before she ruins everything we’ve built together.”

 

“But I like her.” A flimsy excuse, something Snoke would absolutely never care about. It was never about what Ben wanted. It was always about what he "needed" to succeed. 

 

“Yes, and I like when my clients pay attention, but we don’t always get what we want, do we? Besides, you already have so much to work on that there really isn’t a point in wasting so much time to cater to a woman you barely know. How long has this been going on exactly?”

 

“Personally, since August, but I don’t think she got the memo until Christmas.”

 

“You should’ve told me sooner. We could have fixed this problem before it really started.” He sighed. “We’ll work on it. But first I want you to—”

 

His phone buzzed against his ear. “Hold that thought.” Ben pulled the phone away to see that none other than Rey was calling at just the right moment. “Sir, can you hold for a minute or so? I’ve gotta take this call.”

 

“Kylo Ren, if you put me on hold—”

 

Ben decided to deal with the consequences later and accepted Rey’s call, putting his manager on hold. “Fuck, you called at just the right time. My manager was being such a drag. I can't talk long, but you can call back in like ten minutes maybe.”

 

“B-Ben.” Her voice was muffled and smaller than he’d ever heard it.

 

“Rey? Is… everything okay?”

 

A noise came from the phone, something the resembled a sob. “N-No, I… something happened. I don’t know what to do.”

 

Ben shook his head and pressed a hand to his other ear to muffle out the sound of Hux chewing on his chips. “Rey, what happened? Are you hurt? Where are you?”

 

“There was a robbery. I-I was with Poe, but he had to leave for the airport a-and I walked in and he tied me up and…” She sniffled. “No one will answer me. I need help. Please.”

 

He stood up and ran into his room, pulling a small duffel bag out of his closet. “Do you want me to come to you?” It was a stupid question since there was no way in hell he _wasn’t_ coming, but he needed to keep her talking before she completely broke down.

 

“Please. Please, I-I can’t move or see. Please come.”

 

He threw some clothes in from his dresser and ran into his bathroom to grab a few toiletries. “Rey, where are you right now?”

 

“My room,” she said. “He tied me to the bed and blindfolded me and left.”

 

Ben had thought about killing people many many times, but there was never a stronger need than to get his hands on whatever bastard did this to her. “I’m coming, Rey. I’ll be there in about 8 hours if I can get a flight. Please just hold on until then. Can you do that for me? I’ll be there soon. You can’t get yourself untied?”

 

“N-No, I can’t. I’ve tried.”

 

“Can you call the police? They’ll help you, won’t they?”

 

“No, they don’t do things around here. They won’t help me.”

 

“A neighbor then? There’s gotta be someone who can help you. You can’t stay tied up until I get to you.” Ben zipped up his duffel bag and went back out to the living room, where Hux sat now with his stupid cat in his lap. Rey was mumbling near nonsense into the phone about how nobody could help her, so he decided to drop the subject. “I’m coming to you right now, okay? I’m leaving my apartment right now for the airport, and I’m getting on the next flight to London.”

 

“God, I fucking love you,” she said, barely intelligible over her sobs.

 

Ben almost asked to her to repeat it but decided to ignore it and put his shoes on. “I’m going to need to hand up in a minute because I have to book my flight, but I will call you right back, okay?”

 

“Okay. I-I’ll be fine. I’m sorry to bother you.”

 

“You’re not bothering me. I just want you to be safe. Just hold on. Are you sure you can’t call the police? Not even a neighbor?”

 

“Ben, I don’t have anyone else! I already tried Finn, Rose, and Poe, but they didn’t answer, and I can’t get out by myself.”

 

He took a deep breath and tried to steady himself. This was definitely a predicament. She couldn’t just stay tied to a bed for ten hours while he flew to her. There had to be a way out of this. “Okay, Rey, I’m about to leave, but I need to check a few things before I do that. Can you hang on without me?”

 

“Y-Yes, but please hurry.”

 

“I am. I’ll be there soon. I promise.” He hung up the phone and immediately opened up Safari.

 

Hux stood up from the couch and returned his cereal back into the cabinet. “Yeah, what’s going on?”

 

Ben shook his head as he searched for flights to London. God knows they’d be expensive this last-minute, but he’d spend a million dollars if he could get there sooner. “Rey’s in trouble. I’m flying to London to help her.”

 

“What, she can’t figure out how to change a lightbulb?”

 

“Say that again and I’ll fucking throw you out the window.” He didn’t look up at him, but the words weren’t his usual menial threats thrown out just for sport. Ben was fuming, and if Hux, stupid as he was, knew anything, it was how to take a hint.

 

“I’m… gonna go. Have fun with, uh, doing that.” Without another word, he took his cat and left.

 

Ben didn’t say goodbye as he shut the door, too focused at the flight list in front of him. Just as he thought, all the prices were jacked extremely high. The cheapest tickets were over $400, and that was in a cheap airline with seats that definitely wouldn’t comfortably fit someone of his stature. Instead of contemplating any more than necessary, he chose the shortest flight with the nicest airline and ignored the $10,000+ list price.

 

It wasn’t until nearly five minutes later that he realized Snoke was still on hold. “Fuck, sorry. It was an emergency. I can’t talk long. I’ve gotta go.”

 

“Go where?”

 

“Uh… London. Rey needs my help. It’s sort of important so—”

 

“Kylo, what have I told you about this? This girl is exploiting your weaknesses. If you go to her now she’ll just have you further in her grasp. She will _own_ you.”

 

“What, own me like you do? I think the fuck not.” Ben slipped on his coat and gloves. “I’ve put up with your bullshit for a long time, so how about you back the fuck up because you can control every aspect of my channel, but you’re not going to come at me and talk shit about the woman I love, alright?” It was stupid. Ben found himself regretting the words immediately, but they were out there, and he couldn’t take them back.

 

Snoke growled into the phone. “You’re an insolent child, Ben Solo. You have no idea of the sacrifices I’ve made to give you everything you’ve ever wanted, and you act like you want to give it all up for some slut trying to take advantage of you.”

 

“You’re fired.” The words slipped out of his mouth before he could stop them. “I’ll buy out your contract, but I’m not having any conversation relating to this subject again, understand? I’m not some plaything for you anymore.”

 

“Kylo Ren—”

 

“That is _not_ my name.” Without another word, Ben hung up. His hands shook as he sat his phone down on his thigh, heart pounding rapidly in his chest. He wished he could crawl into bed and sleep until everything didn’t hurt as much, but there wasn’t time for that. Rey was waiting for him.

 

Ben stood up and grabbed his laptop and chargers before heading out the door. It was 5 o’clock, rush hour, so there was little chance of getting to JFK within a reasonable amount of time. He could’ve tried LaGuardia, but all the flights there were only connecting flights with no First Class seating, so he opted to spend an extra 30 minutes in traffic instead of three more hours on a flight.

 

It was much warmer outside than it had been the last time Rey visited, just below freezing this time around. Snow crunched under his feet as he walked, leftover from the week before. Next to him, the cars were at a crawl in the rush hour traffic, more so than usual. He could’ve taken his Range Rover, but he’d have to deal with parking and that wasn’t something he really had time for at the moment. Instead, he waited at the front of his building for a taxi.

 

The people in front of him went blessedly quick, the taxis pouring in as they always did during rush hour. More traffic meant more time for the meters to run which meant more money. It didn’t take long for Ben to slide into the back of a cab and request JFK whilst pulling out his phone to pay for his flight. The driver didn’t make much conversation, seeming to take the hint that Ben was in absolutely no mood to talk.

 

The situation was hard to process. Rey tried to explain as well as she could, but she seemed to be panicking. Asking her to relive the experience didn’t seem to be the best course to run. All he knew at that point was that she’d been robbed, tied to the bed, blindfolded, and left alone. Other than that, he was left in the dark.

 

She’d said there was no one who was able to help her, not even the police or neighbors, and if she didn’t get help, she’d be restrained until he got there the next morning. There was no way he could let that happen. There had to be some way, someone to get her out, but there was no one in London that he could contact. Except... maybe one person.

 

Ben dialed the number quickly, bouncing his leg up and down. It rang for the longest time, and he was afraid there’d be no answer, but he was saved at the last second. “Phasma, is that you?”

 

“Yes.” Her voice was muffled by music and voices in the background. “Why are you calling me? We haven’t spoken since VidCon.”

 

“Which is the same place I saved you when you spilled wine down your dress.”

 

“What’s your point, Kylo?”

 

The name stung somehow, but he ignored it. “You’re in London, aren’t you? I need a favor.”

 

“Yes, but I’m currently quite busy. Can’t this wait until tomorrow?”

 

“No, it can’t wait. This is extremely important, alright? Rey Of Light, the YouTuber, she’s in trouble, and I can’t help her from here. I’m on my way there, but I need someone closer to her to go to her place.”

 

“Why? What’s wrong with her?”

 

“Currently she’s tied to her bed after someone robbed her flat.” His eyes flicked up to his driver, who just kept driving. God knows he’d probably heard worse stuff in this taxi. “You need to go to her flat and untie her or else she’ll be there until I get there in the morning.”

 

“Dear god. Is she alright? Should I call the police?”

 

_Fucking bless this woman._ “She said no police. I just need you to go there and untie her, stay with her if you could. I have no idea what else happened to her. I’m getting on my flight at 6:30, and I’ll be in London in about seven hours. Can you just take care of her until I get there?”

 

“Sure, where does she live?”

 

“Peckham. I’ll text you the address.”

 

“Peckham? Kylo, really? I can’t go there after dark. It’s one of the worst parts of the ci—”

 

He cut her off. “Phasma, please, I’m fucking desperate. I will do whatever you want if you just go there and make sure she’s okay when I can’t. Please.”

 

The woman was silent for the longest time before sighing. “Fine, I’ll do it. Text me the address.”

 

“Thank you. Thank you so much.” He hung up the phone and quickly typed out her address in a text message.

 

“Everything okay, kid?” It was the first the driver spoke, but it was almost soothing. “Your girlfriend alright?”

 

No, she wasn’t, but Ben forced himself to nod. “She’s… She’ll be fine. Just get me to the airport as fast as you can.”

 

“Will do.”

 

* * *

 

“Okay, Google. What time is it?”

 

_“It’s 22:17 GMT.”_

 

Two hours. She’d been tied up for two hours. Ben had called her right before he’d left for his flight and told her he had someone on their way to help her. That had been an hour ago. Since then, she’d been absolutely alone, with only the grip of her restraints to keep her company. Her wrists were burning, long past bruising at this point, and the hilt of the knife constantly dug into her thigh.

 

It hurt, in so many more ways than one. She constantly tried Finn and Rose’s phones, as if they’d pick up the more she called. It was only 2 o’clock in California, so there was really no reason for them to not answer unless something happened. Poe was the only one she could understand since he was currently on a flight. Everyone else… She tried not to let her feelings get the better of her. Obviously they were doing something important, but it still stung.

 

It wasn’t until ten minutes later that she heard a faint knock at the door, and she immediately yelled for them to come in. Really, she should’ve been more leary about it, but she was so desperate at this point that she didn’t give a single fuck whether this was someone else coming to finish her off.

 

“Hello? Rey?” It was a woman with a vaguely familiar voice, and she let out a sigh of relief at it.

 

“I’m in here!”

 

She heard footsteps in her living room until the creaking of the floorboards were loud enough to be in her own room. “Jesus Christ,” the woman said. Rey felt the touch of a hand on her head, and then the darkness was gone as the blindfold was removed. “Are you okay?”

 

The woman was Phasma. It took a few seconds to adjust to the light after being cloaked in darkness for so long, but Rey recognized her immediately from her pictures and a few videos since she had a very unique look. She didn’t wait for her to answer before going to work on the ties around her wrist. “I’m… I-I don’t know.” She hated how shaky her voice was.

 

“You poor thing. What happened?”

 

When one arm was released, Phasma immediately went to work on the second. “I walked in on a robbery. The man tied me here and then left. I tried to fight him, but I couldn’t.” Rey looked down at her left wrist, which now had a very apparent purple bruise.

 

“Do you want me to call the police, love? They can take a report and find whoever did it to you.”

 

Her right wrist was released, and Rey immediately winced when it was let go. The cut on her arm had mostly scabbed over at this point, so luckily stitches didn’t seem to be necessary. Still, her arms ached from being stuck in that position for so long that she had to ease them down. “No police. I… can deal with this myself.” Phasma released her leg from its restraint, and Rey immediately pulled both knees up to her chest. “Fuck, I’m so stupid.”

 

She sat a hand on her shoulder. “Love, no you’re not. Come on, I’ll take you to a hotel.”

 

Rey shook her head, jerking away from the woman. She knew she was just trying to help, but nothing could fix the situation. “Please just leave me alone.”

 

“Kylo wanted me to stay with you. The lock on your door is busted, and there’s glass all over your living room. I can’t just leave you alone here.”

 

“Please, just… can you take me outside?”

 

Phasma considered for a moment, no doubt not used to this area of London, but finally relented with a nod of her head. Rey slipped on her shoe that was tossed to the side, not bothering to tie the laces as she followed Phasma out of the room.

 

Her living room, as promised, was completely wrecked. In the darkness Rey hadn’t been able to see exactly how much, but now that the lights were on, she was able to see just how much it was destroyed. Things were noticeably gone—her TV, camera equipment, and a few instruments—but it wasn’t just that. Every cupboard door was open, cushions flipped over on the couch, closets rummaged through. This wasn’t just a robbery. They were looking for something.

 

Rey blinked away tears as she walked down the stairwell. It was cold, but she paid no mind to it as she stumbled out onto the sidewalk, Phasma just behind her. Everything hurt, everything. She’d been warned about this so many times and was just too stubborn, too attached to memories to listen. If only she hadn’t been so fucking stupid.

 

Phasma stayed quiet as Rey cried and only pressed a hand to her already-shaking shoulders. She wished she was alone, wished that Phasma would just leave her there on the curb and let her cry until the sun rose or she died from the cold. There was only one person she wanted right then, but he was currently in a plane with no possible way to—

 

Her phone buzzed in her back pocket, and Rey managed to suck it up enough to look at the notification. She thought it’d be Finn, Rose, or maybe Poe, but she was met with something else entirely: A Twitter DM.

 

**Kylo Ren**

_@kyloren_

 

**Did Phasma get there alright?**

_Yeah, she’s here._

**Are you okay?**

_Would you be?_

**No.**

**I’m sorry this happened.**

**Are you hurt?**

_A little._

**Okay.**

**I’ll be there soon.**

**Can you check into a hotel?**

_Please hurry_

_I miss you._

**I’ll be there soon, love, I promise**

_Don’t make promises you can’t keep._

**I am keeping them, Rey.**

**Believe me when I say I am.**

_Okay I believe you._

 

Rey closed her phone then, ignoring the buzz that came next. She’d forgotten that First Class got free Wi-Fi on flights now. How convenient. As much as she wanted Ben here, as much as she loved him, she couldn’t deal with the constant questions and the pain of knowing he was still nowhere close to her yet. She’d wait for him, though, all night if she had to.

 

And that’s exactly what she did.

 

Phasma, bless her heart, did the same, no matter how much Rey told her to leave. She offered to call the police, get her food, dress her wound, but Rey rejected her every time. It was stupid and rude, but there was this underlying sense of aloneness that she felt even with the other woman around. It wasn’t until the slightest brightening of the sky that Phasma finally agreed to leave.

 

_06:45._ She’d been sitting out there for hours, ignoring every passerby and honking car. People seemed to get the sense she was upset, so they walked past just as any normal person would do. She was glad for it.

 

_06:51_

 

**From Ben:**

_I’m on my way._

 

She waited.

 

_08:14_

 

**From Ben:**

_Please tell me you’re alive_

 

**To Ben:**

_I am._

 

**From Ben:**

_Good because I’m a block away_

 

**To Ben:**

_God screw you_

 

**From Ben:**

_Please_

 

Rey sat up from her spot on the curb and watched every car that passed by in the darkness. None of them stopped until a Lexus, a car quite out of place in the neighborhood, pulled in a few meters from her. Rey immediately stood and waited, hoping it wasn’t someone trying to kidnap her, and, for once in her life, she wasn’t disappointed.

 

She didn’t bother with formalities when he opened the door and stepped out of the car. Rey practically ran to meet Ben, crashing into his arms with zero restraint and immediately bursting into tears again. To his credit, Ben just held her, running his hands over her back and whispering stupid reassurances into her ear.

 

And did she love him for it.

 

“I missed you,” she said, pulling away and running her hands over his jaw.

 

He leaned down and pressed his lips to hers. Her cheeks were tear-stained, nose snotty, but somehow it just made the situation even more intimate. “I’m here now.” He shut the door and took his suitcase from the Uber driver, who stood awkwardly on the curve. Ben handed him a $100 bill he’d surely have no use for until he exchanged it, but the man seemed to get the point and left without another word.

 

“Thank you for coming.” Rey pressed herself into him again, and he just stood there.

 

“You know I’d do anything for you.”

 

“I know,” she whispered.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> REY IS OKAY! Let's rejoice!! I have to admit, this was tough to write and set me back a little bit, but the next few chapters are coming along decently. Thank you for so much continued support! I love writing this story, and to know that so many of you love it is so amazing! See you next update <3
> 
> Follow my Tumblr: https://reyloday.tumblr.com


	20. Pudding, Fluff, and Communication: How To Relationship

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Things get a little more okay

Ben Solo was the perfect man.

 

It was something Rey decided immediately. Every moment he was present, she fell just a little bit more for him. It was for simple things, of course, it always was. It was the way he was calm when she wasn’t, the way he could always somehow make her feel safe, or how his hands were warm when they were in hers. All such simple, menial things, but it made everything hurt just a bit more.

 

They’d gone into urgent care right away after Ben arrived since he absolutely insisted she get the cut on her arm checked. She didn’t end up needing stitches but was treated by a nurse to prevent infection. She told the nurse it had been an accident, but Rey didn’t miss the pointed stares at Ben. 

 

It was past 10 when they finally managed to get into a hotel. Rey didn’t even comment on the fact that it was beyond anything she’d ever feel comfortable paying for and let Ben deal with the checking in. People stared at her as they walked by, no doubt concerned with the girl that looked like she got ran over by a truck. Rey couldn’t really blame them, though. It was almost funny how horrible she looked in the midst of such a beautiful hotel. Needless to say, Rey didn’t hesitate to follow Ben when he came back. 

 

“Are you okay?” It was probably the fiftieth time he’d asked the question in the past few hours. When she nodded, he added “Our hotel room is on the fifth floor.” 

 

They were nearly to the elevator when Rey took his hand. “Thank you.” She hadn’t stopped saying it since he arrived, not even when they made out in the back of an Uber.

 

The elevator was filled with several people when it finally opened, so Rey stuck closely to Ben and averted her eyes from all the prying eyes. Everybody seemed to be looking at her, even though they couldn’t have been. The moment the door opened Rey left the claustrophobic helltrap and let out an audible sigh of relief. She walked with Ben down the hall hand-in-hand, backpack slung low on her arm. They stopped at a room near the end of the hall, to which Ben unlocked quickly with a keycard and held open the door for her.

 

Rey was unsure of whether she wanted to yell at him or not at this point. The room was, of course, much more than what she would’ve bought herself, but for once she found herself almost grateful for it. It was a distraction now, something to take her mind off the situation, so she opted to stay silent and revel in the moment. The room was set up like a mini-flat with a sitting room, kitchenette, and two bedrooms with en-suite bathrooms. Worth more than a month’s rent of her flat, but then again, so was most things.

 

“Are you tired?” Ben asked, setting his own duffel bag down on the couch. “You can take either room you want. Doesn’t matter to me.”

 

“I think I’ll take a shower before anything else.” Her muscles ached from the restraints still, but the water would hopefully ease it.

 

He moved to kitchenette area and started making coffee. “Okay, just be careful not to get your arm too wet.” 

 

Rey leaned against the couch for a moment, watching him. He looked different from any other time she’d seen him. Not during her visit to New York or even his videos after their “break up” (for lack of a better word). It was different. “Ben.” She walked over and pressed a hand to his back. “What’s wrong?”

 

His hands were braced on the counter, shakier than she’d ever seen them. “I…” He shook his head and turned to her. That was the moment she saw the tears in his eyes. “I’m fine. Take your shower. I’ll still be here.”

 

She glanced over to the coffee then back to him. “How long has it been since you slept?”

 

“Uh… I don’t know, I woke up at 7 yesterday, so like 22 hours or so? Doesn’t matter. I’m fine.”

 

“Ben—”

 

“I’m going to take a shower too.” He moved away from her, dodging her touch and going to his duffel bag on the couch. “Let me know if you need anything.”

 

Rey didn’t say anything as he grabbed a handful of clothes and walked into the first bedroom, shutting the door behind him. It wasn’t like Ben to act like that, but neither of them were their usual selves, so she opted to just take her backpack into the room next to his. The room itself was rather simple but no less extravagant than the rest of the place. It was clean and functional, not to mention they gave pillow mints.

 

Rey emptied the contents of her backpack onto the white spread of the bed, sorting through everything. She’d packed quickly at her flat, not able to stand the destruction for long, and just threw things almost blindly into the bag. Overall, though, she did a decent job and seemed to have enough clothes to last her for a few days, as well as her phone charger and toiletries. The only thing that seemed really out of place in the bag was the box of condoms she’d slipped in at the last second. They were lying on the same end table in her living room she’d left them on when she and Poe went out to dinner. Would she need them? Doubtful, but it never hurt to come prepared.

 

The only thing Rey really lost in the robbery was her laptop. Her HP Pavilion was so old and unusable that she was doubtful anyone would actually want it, but it could be used for parts. Never mind the nostalgia that had been wrecking her life. She could deal with it. The thing she hated most was the fact that every single pre-recorded video she’d prepared for any time she couldn’t record was on that stupid laptop, so she’d have to do everything over again. At this point, the thing she needed most was definitely a long, hot shower.

 

The water was warm when Rey stepped in. It reminded her of Ben’s back in New York in a way. She washed slowly, careful not to let the cut get drenched, and lathered her hair up in the mini shampoos and conditioners the hotel provided. None of them were the cheap, generic brands she bought, and they smelled quite nicer if she was honest. Maybe she’d start buying those.

 

Rey did her best not to focus on the memories of the night before too much, but now that she was alone with her thoughts, it became more and more difficult. She could still feel the press of the knife against her throat when she closed her eyes or the sting of the restraints on her wrist. She wished she could make it go away, just push it out of her mind. Nothing was that easy, though, especially for her.

 

Rey had been warned time and time again about her neighborhood. Back in 2011, it was the only thing she could afford unless she wanted a studio, but she’d long outgrown it at this point. She should’ve listened, shouldn’t have been so stuck in the past and see the world for what it really was. It was okay back when she was a nobody on YouTube, but her online presence had become so widely known these past years. It was a miracle that this didn’t happen sooner, honestly. Hurt as it did, she had to be an adult and do what was best for her career and herself.

 

Rey turned off the water when the glass of the shower was completely fogged. The tile of the bathroom floor was cold under her feet as she dug through the closet to find a towel and dried off quickly. She went back to the clothes on her bed, digging through until she found a t-shirt and old shorts that would pass off well enough as pajamas for now. 

 

Even if it was only 11 in the morning, exhaustion crept into her. Rey knew she wouldn’t be able to last the entire day with no sleep. Drying off her hair, she opened her bedroom door and stopped in the doorway. Ben was sat on the couch with his back turned away from her, head in his hands. Rey already knew something was wrong, but this was just absolute confirmation. 

 

“Ben, are you okay?” He jumped at her voice but didn’t look back at her. She pressed a hand to his shoulder. “Please tell me what’s wrong.”

 

He shook his head. “It’s nothing. Don’t worry about me. You’re the one I should be asking that to. I’m being stupid.”

 

Rey climbed over the couch and slid next to him. He was dressed in another one of those emo t-shirts along of sweatpants. “Hey, you have been nothing but amazing to me. You got on a fucking overnight flight at rush hour with absolutely no hesitation. You helped me when no one else would. I’m fine. You don’t need to worry about me anymore. I just want to know why you’re upset.”

 

“I just…” Ben took her hand and brushed his thumb over the now-purpling bruises on her wrists. “I don’t know. When you called… I thought you were hurt. More than you were, I mean. You sounded horrible on the call. I didn’t know what to do or how to help you or—”

 

“You did help me,” she said, squeezing his hand. “You need to stop telling yourself that. You’re the only one who answered for me, and you’re the one who dropped everything to come to me. You did everything right.”

 

Ben nodded, but she could tell he still had doubts. “Do you know who did this? Any ideas? I still really think we should call the police. They can do something.”

 

“No police. The police in Peckham really are more interested in busting everyone else in the building versus the crimes they’re actually called for. The last time it happened, Todd, my neighbor, had to throw thousands of dollars worth of his stolen shit away, which of course made him rather upset and no one likes it when…” She stopped.

 

“What?”

 

Todd. Rey had only spoken to him a few times aside from a few nods in the stairwell, but she remembered meeting him and how he smelled strongly of… tobacco.  _ Of course. _ Who else would’ve known exactly when she left her flat? He knew she was a YouTuber too. He had to have known with all the weird stares he’d given her on the stairwell. It made so much sense. “I know who did it.”

 

“Todd?”

 

“I know it’s him. It had to have been him. I don’t know anyone else who it could’ve been.” She groaned and shook her head. “Fuck, Finn, Rose, and Poe have been telling me that he’s bad news. I should’ve listened.”

 

Ben pressed his lips together and glanced at her. “Why didn’t your friends pick up?”

 

That was a question she’d been asking herself too. Poe she could understand. Poe had been on a flight and was probably somewhere in the middle of Iceland at the moment, besides the fact that he absolutely never answered his phone. Rose had been known to take technology breaks, so it was possible she was on one. Finn, on the other hand, was never off his phone. He always had his stupid Harry Potter ringer on and always had it on hand. There were very few occurrences that he didn’t answer his phone or call back within a few hours. 

 

“I don’t know. They… just haven’t picked up.” 

 

“They will.” He squeezed her hand. “I’m sure they will. Just give them a little bit longer. I’m sure they don’t mean it purposely.”

 

That was debatable, but she didn’t argue with him. “I will. I just… it’s disappointing.” 

 

“I know, but look at the bright side. If they knew, they’d absolutely come and help. Hux lives two floors above me, and he still would probably only come to eat my food and leave me tied to the bed.”

 

Rey laughed for the first time in hours. “That’s Hux for you. How is he and Millicent? Any less annoying?”

 

“No, I had to threaten to throw him out of a window, and I feel like he’s now in my apartment eating my emergency cookie dough with a spoon.”

 

“Why does that not surprise me?”

 

“Because he’s done it before.”

 

She shook her head, pressing closer against him. Rey had always been a clingy person, even when she was a child. It was part of the reason being cast out at her foster home as a teenager had been so rough on her. When Finn, Poe, and Rose started becoming a more prominent part of her life, she’d become that person again, the one who wanted to be touched and held all the time. It was strange doing it with Ben, but it felt nice, right. “Are you sure that’s all? You’re really okay?” she asked, touching the ends of his hair. It was wet, just long enough to touch his shoulders and curling slightly at the ends.

 

He shrugged. “Mostly, yeah. There was other stuff, but nothing you need to worry about.”

 

“You can tell me anything, you asshole. Anything. I might not be happy about it, but you don’t need to keep things from me. If there’s anything I know about relationships, it’s that you can’t keep things from each other.”

 

There was a hint of a smile on his lips. “We’re in a relationship? Why didn’t you tell me?”

 

She pinched his thigh. “That’s not the point. Now spill it. What’s going on?”

 

Ben cast his eyes down to the floor and squeezed her hand. “I fired my manager.”

 

Rey fell silent for the longest time, not sure of what to say. She’d heard of Snoke before but had never met him. He was a quiet man, not very approachable, and rarely went to VidCon parties. He was tall, pasty, intimidating. Before she really knew Ben, Snoke seemed like the perfect manager for who Rey assumed was a robot of a man. Now, though, she couldn’t imagine Ben at the hands of such a snake.

 

“Why?”

 

“I… I couldn’t take it anymore.” He turned to her then. “He kept telling me how to live, how I should spend my time, who I should spend it with. He… He kept calling you a weakness and told me that you were using me.”

 

Rey stopped and pressed her hand against his cheek. “What? Ben, I would never—”

 

“I know you wouldn’t, but he kept saying it and I couldn’t make him stop. I was talking to him when you called, and I put him on hold to talk to you, and then I had to tell him I was going to you. He didn’t like that obviously, called me a child and stuff.”

 

“Ben—”

 

“It’s fine. I can deal with it. I’ve put up with it for seven years. I’m just glad he’s gone now.”

 

She didn’t speak, knowing there was nothing to say that would comfort him. Instead, she just wrapped her arms around him and pressed her face into his shoulder. “You deserve more than that. You deserve someone who listens to you and supports you and helps you as a person, not just your career. You deserve someone who cares.”

 

“I know. I’ve known it for years. I just… didn’t have the courage to do anything about it.” He brushed a hand over her hair. “Not until you came along. Everything changed after we collabed. I don’t know how or why, but they just did. It’s stupid, but I almost feel… happy again.”

 

_ Happy. _ It was a simple word, but Rey knew just how much it meant first hand. “It’s not stupid, not at all. Your feelings aren’t stupid. You need to stop saying they are, alright? I already told you you can tell me anything, and I meant it. I promise I won’t judge you. You mean so much to me, Ben.”

 

He pulled away from her to look her in the eye, and she swore she saw the faintest hint of a blush on his cheeks. “You can’t just say things like that.”

 

Rey kissed the corner of his mouth. “I can and I will. You deserve it. I am your number one stan after all.”

 

“I don’t know. I think kylorenstan91 would have a problem with that.”

 

“Are they the ones who keep telling me to kill myself?” Rey snorted when he nodded. “Figures. They can fight me for my stan position. I was the OG Kylo Ren stan, and I’m the OG Ben Solo stan.”

 

“You sure? I think my mother’s got that spot, and I can guarantee she’ll fight you for it.” 

 

Rey rolled her eyes and wound her fingers into his hair. “I will fight your mom right now. I still need to meet her though. Next time she comes to New York, let me know. I’d love to meet her someday.”

 

“I’m sure she would love that. Both the fighting and the meeting you part. I think she might love you already from what I’ve told her about you.”

 

“You’ve told her about me?” Rey knew very little of the woman known as Leia Organa before Ben mentioned her being his mother. After a quick Google search, she’d found out the woman was the daughter of two politicians and served as a senator in the US for several years before retiring. Rey had to wonder how a woman of such refinement dealt with her son wanting to be an internet star, but that was a question for another day.

 

Ben’s answer was simple: “Of course I have. She questioned me about it first actually. She knew something was going on from the moment she saw our collab.”

 

“Nothing was going on back then, though.”

 

He rose an eyebrow. “Really? Well, you’re right, but I think it was definitely the start of something, wasn’t it?”

 

She shoved him lightly before lying down and pulling him on top of her. “Just the start of your shirtless fuckboy calls.”

 

“Stop lying. You love those shirtless fuckboy calls.” He pressed his lips onto her neck. “And I loved your shirtless fuckboy calls just as much, trust me.”

 

He wasn’t wrong. She did get a sense of stupid, giddy enjoyment every time she answered a Skype call and was met with his half-nude form. It was always a nice way to end the day, and the fact that she only occasionally did the same was minor details. “You’re an asshole.”

 

“But you like me.”

 

“Unfortunately.”

 

He kissed her once and moved off of her, standing up. “I’m going to order food, and you’re going to eat it. No exceptions. After that, you’re sleeping. You’re very beautiful all the time and all, but you lowkey look like you’re dying right now.”

 

Rey almost wanted to object, but there were certain times she knew not to argue with Ben, and this was one of them. Not to mention he was probably right. “Okay, fine, but you have to order pudding or I’m boycotting.”

 

“How American of you,” he said, picking up a phone and a menu. “Oh, yeah, this is an order for Room 210. Do you have pudding?”

 

* * *

 

Rose Tico @rosetico · 10h

Going offline for a bit to experience the LA smog. I’ll be back on in a few days!!! Hopefully I don’t die and I come back with some fun stories?? 

 

Lana Del Heyyy @borignos · 10h

_ Replying to @rosetico _

Have fun! <3

 

Andrea….. @andimor · 10h

_ Replying to @rosetico _

Awww I’ll miss you!!

 

Fuck Me @ombresolino · 10h

_ Replying to @rosetico _

When’s the next video

 

Reylo owns my ass @reyloownsmyass · 10h

_ Replying to @rosetico _

Roseeee I know I’ve been asking a lot, but we know that you know so can you like this tweet if reylo is real???????????? XD

 

Reyno @reyno · 10h

_ Replying to @reyloownsmyass _

Get your disgusting shit off twitter and stop bothering Rose, Jesus Christ

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey!!! We finally reached the 20th chapter! This one was definitely not super plot-heavy, but I think y'all deserve some fluff before we start getting into real plotty things. I hope you're ready to get into the final few chapters of the story here soon! I've got a few things up my sleeve. But before real plotty things is the next chapter, which I think you all will very, very much enjoy ;) Thank you all again for so many kudos and comments!! I'm so baffled honestly, but y'all are amazing so what was I expecting lmao <3
> 
> Follow my Tumblr: https://reyloday.tumblr.com


	21. Ruin The Friendship

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Things get a little...  
> ...  
> ...  
> You'll see

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)

It was three days later when Rey finally heard back from Finn. She was sitting on the hotel couch with Ben after dinner when her phone rang and hesitated for the longest time before answering.

 

Rey had expected to hear many things when she pressed the phone to her ear, but Finn’s frantic voice was not one of them. “Rey? Fucking hell, is that you? What happened? Is everything okay?”

 

She glanced at Ben, who smiled slightly as he scrolled through the On-Demand section of the hotel movies. “Uh… sorta. Where the fuck have you been, though? I called you like three days ago. Have you been ignoring me?”

 

“What? No! Rey, I swear. I mean, I was kinda salty earlier in the month, but I never ignored you. I dropped my phone in the toilet on Tuesday, and Rose has been on a technology hiatus because you know how she is, and my new phone just got here today. I wasn’t ignoring you, I swear! What happened? I saw your tweet on Twitter about people ignoring you when you needed them most.”

 

She wavered how she should tell the story. Now that she knew that Finn wasn’t being malicious, a lot of anxiousness had worn off, but there was still a part of her that was lowkey bitter about him not being there for her, even if he did have a good reason. “Well, Poe visited me on Wednesday, and we went out to dinner and stuff, but we were running late, so he had to go to the airport. I walked home by myself and… sorta walked in on a robbery.” She ignored the squeak that came out of his mouth. “The dude, my neighbor I think, tied me to a bed and left me there for dead basically, and I used Google to call you assholes.”

 

“Shit! God, I’m so sorry. Are you okay? How did you get out?”

 

Rey looked over at Ben. She still didn’t know how she could describe him and this definitely wasn’t the right time to tell Finn the truth. “I called a friend.” She tried to ignore the way Ben pressed his lips together.

 

“Oh, okay. You’re okay, though? No injuries, right?”

 

“Yeah, mostly. Bastard got me a little cut, but everything else is fine. I’m really fine.”

 

“I’m coming over.” His voice was firm.

 

“You say that as if you can just hop on  a bike and ride across town. We’re separated by the continental United States and an entire ocean.”

 

“Rey, I am your best friend forever no matter what, right? I can’t just sit here. Knowing you you’re in some motel or still sitting in your apartment because you won’t spend money. You shouldn’t be alone.”

 

“Actually—”

 

“No, I’m coming over and that’s absolutely final, alright? Just hang tight. I’ll book a flight right now.”

 

Rey didn’t even bother trying to argue with Finn. She didn’t know what she expected, honestly. Of course he was going to come and try to fix everything. It was such a Finn thing to do. “Okay, fine. I’ll send you the hotel address so you don’t have to text once you’re here.”

 

“Okay, I’ll be there soon if I can get a flight. Love you.”

 

“Love you too, Finn. Bye.” She hung up and set her phone on the coffee table. “Finn’s coming.”

 

Ben didn’t look at her. “I heard.” His voice was cold, distant. Rey knew from all the time they spent with each other that that meant he was upset with something.

 

“Talk to me.”

 

“I am.”

 

She rolled her eyes. “I meant _actually_ talk to me. Don’t just get upset and then shut me out until you feel less shitty. I hate it when you do that.”

 

Ben sighed and turned to her. “Why won’t you tell Finn I’m here? Why haven’t you told him we’re involved or even that you like me? I don’t get it. Are you ashamed of me or something?”

 

Poe had mentioned Ben hating the fact that he was kept a secret. Rey understood for the most part, but she still couldn’t work up the courage to tell Finn, even if he probably already knew. “Of course I’m not ashamed of you. What do you want me to do, tell the whole internet I want to suck your cock?”

 

To his credit, Ben really did visibly try not to laugh but ultimately failed. “You don’t need to tell anyone you want to suck my cock. Except me, but I think you already did that. I just don’t want to be some big secret between your closest friends. I mean, they probably already know, right? What’s the point in keeping it from them?”

 

“I don’t know. I guess I’m just afraid. I think I keep telling myself that whatever this is between us… it’s going to fade, and you’re going to leave me heartbroken like everyone else.”

 

He didn’t speak for the longest moment, just studying her face. Rey couldn’t meet his eyes until he pressed his hand to her cheek. “I would never do that. If I had any doubts about us, I would tell you, but I don’t. You have to understand how much you mean to me.”

 

“Show me.” The words slipped out before she could stop them.

 

“What?”

 

 _Too late to back down now._ “Show me how much I mean to you.” She sat her hand on his thigh.

 

Ben was silent, flickering his eyes up and down between her eyes and the hand on his thigh. “Rey… Are you sure?”

 

So he got her implications then. She hoped he would. “If… If you’re ready. I know when I was in your flat, you didn’t want to, and I still respect that. I was just thinking, you know? We’re here alone in this fancyass hotel room and no one knows who we are. It might be…” Their eyes met. “It might be a good time to try it out.”

 

He rose an eyebrow. “Try it out?”

 

Rey averted her eyes from him, hating the traitorous blush on her cheeks. “Yeah. If we don’t like it and never want to do it again, we don’t have to. If it’s fucking heaven on Earth, then we decide where to go from there.”

 

“Okay.”

 

Rey looked up, surprised. “Really?”

 

“I mean, I want to do this right. That was the main reason I said no last time, besides the condoms situation. I don’t want to have to worry about who’s leaving tomorrow and how it’s going to feel when they do. I want to take our time and figure out whatever the hell this is together.”

 

She nodded. “Okay. Okay, let’s go for it.”

 

Her eyes fluttered close as he leaned toward her but shot open when no contact came. “Please tell me you have condoms on you.” He was hovering just a few inches from her.

 

Rey almost laughed. “Yes, I’ve got some. Remind me to thank Poe later.”

 

“I don’t even wanna know,” Ben muttered before pressing his lips against hers.

 

Their kiss was nothing like the last time they nearly did this. Whereas that one was rough, this one was more along the lines of their first kiss—gentle, almost unsure. Everything felt brand new again, even if she’d touched him like this so many times already. The implications were different. None of this was the same.

 

His mouth was hot, but Rey found herself missing it when he moved from her lips to her neck. The hickeys she’d gotten back in New York had long since faded, but the memory of his lips on her neck still nagged at the back of her mind. She never really liked hickeys from anyone else, but there was something nice about a reminder that it was all real, that it wasn’t some delusion or dream that she made up.

 

Rey shifted a bit so that she could straddle his lap, curling her fingers into his hair. He nipped at her neck in an achingly familiar way as one hand slipped under her shirt and the other dug into her hip. She ground down onto his lap, enjoying the noises that escaped him every time she brushed his cock.

 

His lips brushed her ear. “Your room or mine?”

 

“Either, but I’ve got condoms in mine.”

 

“Yours then.” He kissed her cheek, and Rey got off his lap, taking his hand to direct him into her room.

 

Ben was on her the moment the door was closed, pinning her against the wall in the darkness and pressing his lips to hers once before pulling away. “Lights on or off?”

 

As much as Rey wanted to see whatever he did to her, she wasn’t sure if she could deal with the initial embarrassment of the entire situation. Maybe someday she’d feel comfortable enough to do it, but for now it was a definite off. “Off if that’s okay.”

 

“More than okay,” he said, kissing her forehead. “Alright, I want you to say the first thing that pops into your head.”

 

“Spongebob.” The name slipped out before she could stop it.

 

“Spongebob?” Rey almost retracted the statement, but Ben spoke before she could. “Okay then, Spongebob is your safe word.”

 

“Safe word? Why would I need a safe word?”

 

“Just in case. I’ll still listen to ‘stop,’ but I like having it anyway. I’ll try not to do anything to make you use it obviously, but I still want you to be comfortable.”

 

Rey giggled and kissed his jaw. “You’re the most amazing man I’ve ever met, Ben. I hope you know that. I trust you with my life. If you want to have a safe word, then I’ll do it, but I doubt I’ll need it.”

 

“Okay.” He pressed his hands to her hips. “What do you want to do now?”

 

She looked down at herself and took Ben’s hands to press them to the hem of her shirt. He took the hint and pulled it slowly over her head, discarding it onto the floor. Without giving him time to admire, Rey tugged on his own shirt, and he lifted it over his head and placed it where hers was on the floor.

 

Ben was one of the most beautiful people Rey had ever seen. She wasn’t sure when she realized it, but it was true. When she touched him, it felt like feeling a god. There was nothing she’d done to deserve him, nothing at all, but she wasn’t ungrateful. No, Rey would gladly kneel before him, but she found that even gods sank to their knees if they wanted something enough.

 

The back of Rey’s legs hit the bed, and she sat down, letting Ben work on pulling down her jeans. As soon as they dropped to the floor, Rey nodded for Ben to stand and slipped her fingers beneath the waistband of his sweatpants, pulling them down much more easily than her jeans.

 

Rey scooted to the center of the bed, and Ben followed her, settling himself between her legs and leaning forward to kiss her. It didn’t last very long this time as Ben moved from her lips to her jaw to her neck to the line of her shoulder. He stopped when he met her bra strap but just pushed it down and ignored it. His fingers went from her waist to her back, toying with the clasps of her bra.

 

“Can I?” he asked, resting his chin on her sternum.

 

Rey nodded, suddenly thankful for the darkness. “Of course.” She was never particularly self-conscious about her body, but feeling so exposed wasn’t something she liked. Even if Ben already looked at her like she was the most important person in the world, she’d have to work up her confidence to let him see anything else later.

 

 _Later._ If he still wanted her then.

 

Ben unclasped her bra on the first try and slid it down her shoulders, discarding it onto the floor somewhere. He didn’t immediately touch her like she thought he was going to, instead leaning over and pressing his lips against her collarbone. She opened her mouth to protest for a moment but closed it immediately when his hand settled on her breast.

 

Rey could feel her cheeks grow warm as he touched her, massaging slowly, almost unsure. She hoped he was as embarrassed as she was. As good as it felt to have his hands on her finally, it still felt awkward, even after so long of unrealistic fantasies. She knew she'd enjoy it, though, whatever came after this. Even if it was just a few solid minutes of awkward boning, it was all worth it if it was with him.

 

“Can I…” He didn't finish the sentence, but Rey knew exactly what he was talking about.

 

“Please.”

 

Ben moved his lips from her collarbone down lower to her nipple. He was cautious at first, only putting the slightest amount of pressure on her, but Rey laced her fingers through his hair in encouragement to keep going. He opened his mouth and gave a tentative stroke of his tongue against her hardening nipple. Rey let out a small gasp at the touch, whispering for him to keep going. He did as she asked and alternated between sucking and licking on either of her breasts.

 

Rey wasn’t sure how long it’d been since she’d had contact like this with anyone. It wasn’t even the sex part, though that hadn’t been very recent either. It was more along the lines of the sickening sweetness of their touches, the whisper of false promises and futures unimaginable to either of them. Had she ever been with someone like him? Had she ever been with someone who treated her like a queen or an empress, someone who would bow to her if it pleased her? She didn’t know, but she didn’t really focus on it enough to remember.

 

Hands pressed into her hips, and Rey was surprised to find that Ben moved from her breasts down to her stomach and pressed his mouth against her thigh. He seemed to be growing more confident as time went on, hands less shaky as he spread her legs open and fingers finding their way under the waistband of her underwear.

 

“Take them off,” Rey said before he could ask. “Touch me please.” With every movement, every brush of his mouth against her thigh, she could feel herself going closer and closer to the edge, especially when her underwear was sliding down her legs and being discarded onto the floor.

 

“What do you want me to do?”

 

She didn’t trust her voice, not one bit, but she spoke anyway. “I want you to eat me out if you’re okay with that.” She sounded normal mostly, but it was harder to get the words out without her voice becoming higher-pitched. She had a feeling the bastard would enjoy that, though.

 

He kissed her thigh again. “More than okay.”

 

Without another word, Ben kissed up her thigh and ran his tongue through her slit. Rey let out the slightest moan as he worked his tongue. His experience was more evident now, suddenly seeming not at all like a blushing virgin the way his mouth moved against her. Rey was never very loud in bed, but she couldn’t repress the strangled cry that escaped her throat.

 

Ben Solo was a fucking godsend in the act of oral sex, she was convinced of this now. No normal human should’ve been able to make her come apart this easily. It wasn’t like she assumed he wasn’t good in bed, but most men only paid attention to the whole penetration part, the part where _they_ got off. Rey should’ve expected this, though, since Ben couldn’t seem to stop proving that he was nothing like anyone else she’d ever met.

 

Rey cried out his name when she came, tugging on his hair that she’d twisted her fingers into minutes ago. He didn’t look up at her right away, instead pressing one last kiss to her thigh before crawling back up to her and setting his hands on either side of her head.

 

“That okay?” His face was barely outlined in the darkness, but she could imagine the stupid grin on his face.

 

She pinched his arm. “Shut up. Want me to return the favor?”

 

Ben merely snorted. “As much as I’d like to see you suck my cock, I’m not sure I trust you not to bite me.”

 

“Keep talking like that and I will.”

 

He pressed his face into her neck and nipped at the skin there. “Don’t tempt me. We still have a few things to do.”

 

“Like?”

 

He kissed her once before slipping a hand between her legs and stroked her. His fingers were longer than Rey’s, the first thing she realized when they sank inside of her. She had to bite her lip to keep from moaning at the contact. Usually she wasn’t so easy to please, but everything was different with him. Sex had finally become something enjoyable for her, not just work.

 

In the very beginning of her fantasies of Ben they’d been short, fleeting thoughts that she’d immediately regretted. At the time, she passed it off as her brain being stupid, but they came more and more often until she couldn’t deny it anymore. It was sexual attraction, she told herself. That was it. It was for a while, at least. Somehow, in the middle of all the jumble of fantasies about him fucking her into the mattress, little, domestic situations got thrown in there too.

 

Before it was nothing, a simple fantasy of a one-night-stand where nothing mattered. Now she could imagine doing this and waking up with him tucked into her shoulder. She could imagine him teaching her how to cook and failing because she’s an absolute disaster in the kitchen. She could imagine sitting next to her when they announce to the masses that they were fucking right.

 

Rey loved him. It was easier to admit now. She’d tell him one day, but she couldn’t now. It would seem fake, sex-driven, and she couldn’t have him misinterpret the words. No, Rey would tell him later when the time was right. Hopefully he returned her feelings and didn’t write her off as some sex-crazed freak.

 

Ben added a second finger to go with the first and pressed his body further against her. Rey could feel his cock through his boxers pressed against her thigh as he lied next to her. It was almost embarrassing how wet she was for him, but the slickness just aided in the thrusting of his fingers.

 

“Fuck,” she swore when he brushed her clit. It’d been over 9 months since she last had sex, but none of it felt the same. Rey had had sex with actual feelings very few times in her life, mostly with the one good boyfriend she had that ended up breaking it off over a 2 minute phone call. After that, it’d mostly been occasional one-night-stands and shitty boyfriends with no real emotional value. And, honestly, sex with attachment was never too enjoyable for her. Rey clung to people too easily, and they always ended up breaking her heart. Hopefully Ben wouldn’t do the same.

 

Rey closed her eyes when he added the third finger and inhaled sharply. “God, it’s been a long time.”

 

He kissed her shoulder but didn’t remove his fingers. “Sorry. I just want to be careful.”

 

“That’s okay. Though it makes me question the size of your cock.” She was awarded with one particularly hard thrust, which made her breath hitch. “Fuck, do that again.” He did as she asked, and she had to bite back a moan. “Please hurry up. I think I’m ready.”

 

Ben removed his fingers and kissed her. “Where are the condoms?” he mumbled against her lips.

 

“Nightstand. Top drawer.”

 

He got off her and stood up, leaning down to rummage through the drawer. Surely enough, the blue box was sitting there just waiting for use. Rey mentally applauded her past self for packing them.

 

Rey sat up and pressed a hand to his hip. He turned to her, condom in hand, and she sank her fingers into the waistband of his boxers. “Let me?”

 

“Are you going to bite me?”

 

She pinched his hip. “Not when you’re expecting it. Is that a yes, though?”

 

“Okay, yes. Go for it.”

 

Rey bit her lip and pulled down his boxers, allowing his cock to spring free. She reached out and touched it gingerly, brushing her fingertips across his length. He hissed when she ran her thumb over the head. “You sure you don’t want me to blow you?”

 

He flicked her forehead and handed her the condom. “Next time.”

 

Rey huffed and tore open the condom with her teeth. “Fine. But just so you know, I wouldn’t bite you. Not purposely, at least.” She took the condom out of its package and slowly rolled it onto his cock. “Alright, there you go.”

 

Ben followed Rey back onto the bed and hovered over her when she lied back against the pillows. “You okay?” he asked, kissing her cheek.

 

“Great. You?”

 

“Perfect. You sure you want to do this? It’s not too late to say no.”

 

Rey rolled her eyes and kissed him once before pulling away. “You’re amazing for asking so much and all, but I trust you.”

 

He set his forehead against hers. “Okay, okay. If something doesn’t feel right then tell me. We can work it out.”

 

“Of course,” she said, running her fingers through his hair. “I’m ready if you are.”

 

He kissed her lips one more time before pressing their bodies together. Slowly, Ben used his hand to help slide his cock into her entrance. Rey bit her lip, gasping as he entered her. He moved slowly, just inching his way inside, but she had to tell him to stop to let her get used to the feeling. To say he was big was a bit of an understatement. He wasn’t pornstar level obviously, but the pain was still there, a sharp burning sensation. Ben, bless him, waited for her to get used to it for as long as she needed to before moving any more.

 

The situation reminded her of her first time, 17 years old and with a boy she’d only been dating 2 months. The only difference was the fact that the boy was neither nice nor good in bed. It had been worse back then by far, but that was only because he didn’t care enough to turn her on and decided to go in quite dry.

 

Ben, however experienced he was, knew what he was doing and did it well. It was nice to finally have someone listen to her and take her feelings into account. None of this felt like teenagers fumbling around in the dark, scraping and desperately hoping for some kind of release. It was awkward and just a little painful, yes, but Rey would take his cock over anyone else’s any day.

 

“You good?” he mumbled, face pressed against her neck.

 

Rey almost immediately said yes, but the burning sensation wouldn’t cease, even as he stopped moving. “Fuck, Spongebob, stop.”

 

Ben pulled out immediately, and the pain subsided. “Are you okay? I’m sorry, I—”

 

Rey held up a hand to silence him. “Don’t apologize. It’s not your fault. I think we just need to… reevaluate the situation.”

 

“Okay. What do you want me to do?”

 

She debated for a moment. It wasn’t really anything Ben could fix himself. It wasn’t his fault his cock was big, and he’d prepared her the best he could. The pain wasn’t that intense, but it didn’t go away, so there had to be some type of fix for that. “What about a change of position? Maybe I could… be on the top?” The thought was daunting, but she’d done it a few times before.

 

Ben nodded. “Okay, let’s try it, but if you don’t want to keep going, then that’s fine.”

 

Rey smiled and kissed him. “You’re a saint.” She scooted from the center of the bed and swapped positions with Ben. She almost wished the lights were on so that she could see him sprawled out against the mattress and coming apart underneath her, but they could leave that for another time.

 

 _Another time._ She was certain there would be one.

 

Rey slid her hands up his thighs as she moved to straddle him. He moaned when she took his cock into her hands and sank down on it slowly. The burning this time was still present, but Rey could easily control how much she could take at a time. Soon enough, she found herself able to move without any sharp pain and began moving back and forth.

 

Ben, she found out quickly, was much more vocal than she was. Every movement she made earned some kind of noise, whether it be a gasp or a string of curses or her name. She’d never been too bothered with noise, but she decided she loved it instantly just because it was coming from him.

 

The pain Rey felt before was now blessedly absent, so she was able to move with minimal restraint, setting her hands on his chest for support. The position not only gave her more control but also more friction to her clit. She’d never been one to beg for dominance, but it felt nice to be on top and not have to constantly make requests on what felt good. Not to mention, Ben probably looked amazing under her. She could just imagine him with his eyes closed, arm thrown across his face as she rode him.

 

“Fuck, keep going,” he gasped out, digging his fingers into her thighs. His hips thrust up to meet hers, creating a rhythm that made her skin prickle. She didn’t stop, couldn’t even if she wanted to. The muscles in her thighs burned, but she couldn’t bring herself to slow down, getting closer with every passing second.

 

Rey wasn’t sure how long she was on him, time seeming to stop after a while. First, she remembered his coaxing, the stroking of his fingers over her clit. With the additional friction, it wasn’t long before she had to stop, digging her fingers into his shoulders as she came. Ben leaned forward and kissed her, hands coming to rest on her back as he let her finish. He seemed to expect her to remove herself, but she just sank back down onto his cock again.

 

“Come for me, Ben.” Her voice was raspy. “I know you want to.”

 

He moaned and threw his head back into the mattress. “Fuck, yes.” Rey gave it a few more thrusts before he was shouting her name into the darkness, coming undone beneath her, just like she hoped he would. “Goddamnit..”

 

Rey rolled off him and collapsed next to him, pressing herself into her side and running a hand over his chest. They didn’t speak for the longest moments, the silence only penetrated by their shaky breaths.

 

“So…” Ben shifted to look at her, his face just outlined in the dark.

 

Rey almost giggled, pressing a kiss to his jaw. “So…”

 

“Was it okay?”

 

She pinched his shoulder.  “It was amazing, you dumbass.”

 

He laughed, brushing his thumb over her lips. “I’m glad. Hopefully next time it won’t hurt as much.”

 

“Next time?”

 

“I-If you want,” he added, pulling his hand away.

 

Rey rolled her eyes. She hated the way he doubted himself so much, but that was something they could work on together. “Of course I want to. Then you can let me blow you.”

 

“Not in this lifetime." He kissed her cheek and pressed his face into her shoulder, saying nothing more. He didn't need to. For now, everything was perfect.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Helloooo what is going on, everybody??? So we've finally gotten to the chapter we've been waiting for! It's been 21 chapters wow I didn't even know I could slow burn for so long, but here we are finally! Thank you for all the lovely, as always! Y'all just slay me every time <3
> 
> Follow my Tumblr: https://reyloday.tumblr.com


	22. More Than One Night

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Things get a little more complicated

The first thing Rey did when she woke up was try to figure out why she couldn’t fucking move.

 

Ben was sleeping like he always did, face pressed into her side and holding her waist with a death grip. Despite how her back ached, she still smiled down at him and brushed a hand over his hair. The clock on the nightstand read 10:16, a reasonable time to wake up, but her eyes were still heavy with sleep. They hadn’t made it to actually sleeping until well after midnight, too deep in conversation to notice. At the time it seemed like a great idea since they had nowhere have to be in the morning, but Rey couldn’t seem to get back to sleep not matter how much she tried.

 

“Hey,” she whispered, shaking Ben lightly on the shoulder, “wake up. I need to get up.”

 

He merely groaned in response. “Why?”

 

“You’re suffocating me. Come on, let me up.”

 

His only response was to burrow himself further into her side. “It’s too early.”

 

“You’re an asshole,” she said but didn’t bother pushing him off. Honestly, it was nice when he did this, even if she woke up burning up and crushed under his weight. “It’s after nine. I need to shower.”

 

Ben pushed his hands under her shirt and splayed his hand across her stomach. The shirt was technically his, black like the rest of his wardrobe, and was only paired with a pair of shorts. He, on the other hand, wore boxers and nothing else. “Don’t go yet.”

 

Ben never struck her as a cuddler, but everytime they slept like this, he’d end up in the same position. It was almost funny imagining him in his own flat, hugging a pillow to his face in the same way he’d do to her. She found the she didn’t mind being held, though, even if she could only manage one arm around his head. “Fine, just a few more minutes.”

 

He kissed her shoulder. “Good.”

 

They spent the next few minutes in the same position, Ben drawing circles into the skin of her stomach. It was so domestic that it made Rey realize once again how much she wanted this. God, she’d craved this touch for so long, craved the simplicity and the ease of him pressed against her. She never wanted to give this up or let him leave her again. She couldn’t now that she had a taste of what exactly it could be like.

 

“Rey?” His voice was muffled in her shoulder.

 

She brushed a hand across his hair. “Hm?”

 

“Are you good?”

 

“Good?” she repeated. “I’m great. Why do you ask?”

 

“I don’t know. Just making sure.” He sighed, and Rey could feel his breath on her arm.“Do you want to get up now?”

 

The question surprised her since she was so sure she’d have to pry herself from his arms. “Sure.” He released her without another word, and Rey sat up, stretching out her arms. “God, my back hurts.”

 

Ben sat up and kissed the back of her neck. “Sorry, my bad. I’ll try to stop doing that.”

 

“No, it’s okay,” she said too quickly, immediately blushing. “I mean… never mind.” He laughed, and Rey turned toward him. “Don’t make me kick you out of bed.”

 

“That’s alright. I’ll just go to my own bed. More space there.” Ben stood up, but Rey immediately followed, wrapping her arms around his neck. “You’re giving me a lot of mixed signals here. Do you want me in bed or not?”

 

In response, she pulled him down and kissed him, pressing her hands against his cheek. They both had morning breath and bedhead, but it was one of the most tender kisses they’d ever shared. It was different, circumstances completely changed now. Rey had given herself to him in more ways than one, and she’d give herself to him in a million more ways if he wanted her to.

 

She didn’t hesitate in slipping her shirt over her shoulders when he slid his hands underneath it, and he didn’t hesitate leading her to the bed and straddling her like he did the night before. Last night was just testing the waters between them, but now Rey knew one-hundred percent how splendidly they worked together, even if it did take some practice.

 

Ben looked so different in the daylight, his face no longer an outline that blurred into the background. She watched him carefully as he ran his tongue over her nipple, not as embarrassed as she thought she would be. Maybe it was the morning grogginess, maybe it was the fact that he never looked at her like she was any less than the most beautiful person in the world, but it was something.

 

Her underwear was halfway down her legs when there was the faintest knock on the main door out in the living room. Ben looked about ready to kill someone, immediately standing up and leaving the room to answer the door. Rey almost shouted at him that he was wearing nothing but boxers, but she knew he probably wouldn’t listen anyway. God help the poor maid who was at the door.

 

* * *

 

Ben knew he’d fucked up the moment he opened the door. He’d been expecting a maid, maybe a manager, but coming face-to-face with Finn was not very high on his list.

 

“Kylo?” Finn’s eyes drifted down lower, and Ben was suddenly made extremely aware of his clothing state. “What are you doing here?”

 

 _Well, this is going to be a lot to explain._ “Uh… Nice to see you, Finn. Are you just visiting or—”

 

Finn pushed his way past Ben into the hotel room and pulled out his phone. “Where’s Rey? This is the room she sent me. I texted her when I got here, but she never replied back.” He looked back to Ben, who was still standing in the doorway. “Why the fuck are you here?”

 

“I’m—”

 

“Finn?” Rey, his saving grace, walked into the room then, only clad in his t-shirt and her own underwear. If her clothes weren’t already evident, anyone with even a little experience could definitely tell she’d gotten fucked if the bruises on her neck were any indication. “What are you doing here?”

 

“You called me yesterday. I told you I was coming. I texted you like five times today.”

 

Ben had totally forgotten, and it seemed like Rey did too. “I’m so sorry. I thought you’d be arriving in a few hours, and I left my phone out here.”

 

“Yeah, I can see why.” He turned to Ben. “Can I talk to Rey for a moment? Alone?”

 

Ben really wanted to say no, but Rey gave him a pleading look. “Okay. I’ll, uh, go take a shower.” He turned around and went back to his room, locking the door behind him.

 

This situation was… not ideal. Though Rey could’ve avoided this whole thing if she just told Finn the truth from the get-go, but of course she had to make everything harder for herself. It was such a Rey thing to do.

 

Ben turned on the shower and waited for it to warm while he dug clothes out of his suitcase. As he did so, the voices of Finn and Rey carried over into the room. Ben was never one to eavesdrop, having learned that lesson a long time ago, but there was still a voice in his head urging him to go closer and listen. It was a bad thing to do, of course. Rey deserved privacy to have this conversation, and she’d surely catch him up later but still…

 

Ben gave in and pressed his ear to the door, listening as they spoke. “I’ve played this game with you for months, Rey. You can’t possibly think I’m that stupid. You need to tell me what’s going on right now.” Finn was not happy. Ben didn’t know him very well, but anyone with half a brain could tell.

 

“I’m sorry! I’ve been wanting to tell you about this for a long time.”

 

“How long has this been going on?”

 

Rey was silent for so long that Ben wasn’t sure she was going to answer. “Just today. It was on a whim, okay? It didn’t mean anything. It didn’t matter.”

 

Ben stopped and backed up, pulling away from the door quickly as the words again ran through his mind. _It didn’t mean anything._ He shook his head and didn’t bother listening to any more of the conversation. He’d heard more than enough, more than he wanted to.

 

Of course. Of course that was the reason Rey gave him. What else did he expect? After everything, Rey showed no indication that she’d tell Finn, no matter what she said. He thought at first it was anxiety or fear, but no. Now he knew the truth. She used him. She used him like all the others.

 

He yanked off his boxers and got into the shower, turning the water up as hot as it would go. It burned his skin, but he couldn’t bring himself to turn it down. The pain was a nice distraction from everything else. Maybe, just maybe, once he got it it would all go away. Rey, Finn, London, YouTube, everything.

 

She’d lied to him. He realized that now. Fuck, he’d been stupid. He’d given everything he could to her. He would’ve crawled through Hell and back for her, dropped everything when she asked, and never asked for repayment. Well, it seemed like she’d given it back, and it was a nice knife to the back.

 

Did he not make his feelings clear? Could she not tell how utterly infatuated with her he was? Could she not tell she was his everything? Maybe she did. Maybe she just didn’t fucking care. It wasn’t like anyone ever cared about him, anyway. His dad didn’t care enough to stay. Hux didn’t care enough to listen to him half the time. His mother meant well but never really approved of how he spent his time. Snoke… Snoke was the only one who ever gave a rat’s ass about him, the only person who stuck around long enough.

 

Ben had left Snoke, the person who gave him everything, for her. He left him for a girl who he’d fallen for on a whim one day. _La vie en rose._ It was the song that made him fall in love with her, but now it just hurt to think about.

 

Maybe this was her plan all along. Maybe she’d just been using him to get views, create gossip, ruin him. That was what Snoke would say she did. His fans called her a snake for a reason, surely. Maybe this was it. Maybe all her other boyfriends weren’t the problem. Maybe it was just her.

 

If anyone ever asked, the moisture on his cheeks was from the shower, not the tears streaming down his face. If anyone ever asked, the shaking in his shoulders was from the burning of the heat of the water, not the pain in his chest from getting his heart broken again. If anyone ever asked, Kylo Ren was unaffected by this development and went on with the rest of his life because one stupid girl didn’t matter.

 

Kylo used the lies to his advantage.

 

Ben used the lies to stop everything from hurting so much.

 

He wasn’t sure how much longer he stood there in the shower. Eventually the water turned from scalding to just warm to cold, and it was only when his fingers went numb that he turned it off. He didn’t get out immediately, just standing there for the longest time and watching as the faucet dripped. His skin felt raw against the chilly air of the bathroom when he finally stepped out. There was a towel on a rack, but the rubbing of the fiber against his skin made him burn. He used it, anyway.

 

Finn and Rey’s voices still echoed from outside, but Kylo didn’t stop to listen again. He’d already learned his lesson well enough. Instead, he focused on getting dressed, hissing when his jeans rubbed the wrong way on his leg. Maybe he shouldn’t have turned the temperature up so high, but the pain was a nice reminder of how stupid he was.

 

For the longest time, Kylo just sat there on his bed and stared out at the door. He couldn’t bring himself to open it and face them. Neither of them knew he knew, of course, but he honestly wasn’t sure if he could face Rey again without breaking down. She’d surely laugh at him for being such an idiot. He should’ve figured it out sooner, but he could’ve sworn he saw something in Rey. He swore there was something there.

 

Kylo opened the door. Finn and Rey were sitting on the couch, Rey now dressed in actual clothes. He was glad. Maybe it would make this easier. “Hey.” He hoped his voice was level enough.

 

Finn only stared at him and didn’t bother responding. Rey, however, smiled. “Hey! You were in there a while. Everything alright?”

 

 _No. No, you’ve literally ruined my fucking life._ “Yeah, everything’s fine.”

 

She jumped up from the couch and walked toward him. “Would you mind if Finn and I went out to brunch together? There’s a few things I wanted to talk about with him alone. I can bring you back something if you want.”

 

 _What else is there to fucking talk about?_ “Sure, go ahead. You don’t have to bring me back anything. I’ll just order room service.” He wanted to confront her, wanted to ask why she decided to do him like this, but he couldn’t. Not now.

 

She took his hand and squeezed it once, and it took every ounce of restraint he had not to jerk it away. “Thank you. I’ll be back in a few hours. See you then?”

 

“Bye,” he said quietly, but Rey didn’t seem to notice, grabbing her coat, the one he’d bought her, and following Finn out the door.

 

As soon as they were gone, Kylo slumped against the back of the couch and buried his fingers into his own hair. The tears didn’t come, run dry from his time in the bathroom. Instead, there were just pathetic dry sobs racking through his body. It was silly to keep thinking about her like this after she’d made her feelings about him so clear, but pushing the thoughts away seemed pointless. They kept nagging at him at every second, unwilling to just leave him the fuck alone.

 

Everything had seemed so genuine. For the first time in so long, Kylo thought maybe he’d found the one. Snoke had always said he was too much of a romantic. He was too easily infatuated, too quick to love, and too impulsive to ever be in a serious relationship. No one would ever love him, he’d said. Like all things, Snoke had been right. Rey didn’t love him. He’d given her everything, but it still wasn’t enough for her. It never was.

 

What was he supposed to do? Was he meant to confront her? Was he supposed to lay everything out and then leave her? Was he supposed to kick her out of the hotel? No, he couldn’t do that. He was mad, yes, but there was still a part of him who cared too deeply for her. Maybe one would call it a weakness, but it would fade eventually. There had to be something else. There had to be something that would end this easily and swiftly for both of them.

 

And then it struck him.

 

None of this had to be painful. Rey obviously only wanted him here as a fuck buddy, but surely she’d be fine without him. Besides, she had Finn now. She didn’t need him. Kylo could leave quietly while they were gone. There didn’t need to be a fight. This could be resolved just with a note.

 

There was a small notebook with a pen supplied by the hotel sat on the table, so Kylo sat down and immediately started writing.

 

_Rey,_

 

_You’ve told me you loved me twice in the time we’ve known each other. The first was during our collab when you said you never told someone you loved them without meaning it. The second was on the phone when I was the only person to pick up for your call. I suppose I can rest easy knowing you’ve only done it twice in your life, even if they both were to me._

 

_As I write this, I’m imagining all the different outcomes this could’ve had if I had just realized the truth. Maybe it wouldn’t hurt so much if I had seen and accepted that you only wanted me casually. Yes, I know. You don’t need to lie to me anymore. You don’t have to lie to anyone anymore._

 

_Perhaps this isn’t doing either of us any good, but I can’t spend my life knowing I never told this to you, so here it goes: I love you. I love you more than words can describe. It wasn’t at first sight like all those stupid romance novels might claim. It was slow and painful, like one of those stupid slow-burn fanfics you rec’d me months ago. I hated it. I hated you. I hated how it made me feel weak and giddy and like I was finally getting somewhere with my life. When I was with you I was happy. I felt suddenly like maybe everything would be okay as long as you were here._

 

_I realize again why love is such a bad idea, why it just tears you apart. It hurts so fucking much. All I want right now is to go back to New York, back to my apartment, and back to my own bed, which is exactly what I’m doing._

 

_I’m sorry if I ever came on too strong. If you just wanted me as a simple fuck, you should’ve said so and I would’ve respected the decision. I’d have been sad, but I would’ve gotten over it. Maybe we still could’ve been friends. I really, really hate to be that guy, but I don’t think we can now. I’m in too deep to ever see anyone in you except the woman I wanted to spend the rest of my life with, the woman who broke my heart._

 

_Don’t bother texting or calling. I’d very much like to be alone, and I really don’t want any more lies. My card is still hooked up to the hotel, so stay there as long as you like (within reason). I’ll also leave some money in my nightstand drawer if you want room service._

 

_Even though I’m breaking this off right here, I would like to say that I am grateful that you were my friend, even if it was just for a while. I really do mean it when I say I love you, and I hope everything goes splendidly for you in life._

 

_Yours,_

_Ben_

 

Kylo sat down the note and stared at it. Ink was smudged in a few spots, a couple words unreadable due to his shaky hands, but it got the point across well enough, so he left it. The first thing he did after that was pull out his phone and block Rey’s number. There was no use in letting her distract him and spout more lies to get what she wanted. The second thing he did was dial a number he’d sworn he’d never dial again. The phone rang for so long that he wasn’t sure they were going to answer, but sure enough there it was, the familiar voice in both his dreams and nightmares. “Kylo Ren.”

 

“Snoke…” He wiped the tears from his face. “You were right.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ........ firstly, I'd like to say sorry. I really am not, but I'll say it anyway. Secondly, thank you all for reading and your such nice comments. They mean the world to me  <3
> 
> Follow my Tumblr: https://reyloday.tumblr.com/


	23. Reverse Rick-rolling

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Things get a little... worse

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Trigger warning: Suicide baiting in social media comments

“Do you really think I’m stupid?” Finn asked through a mouthful of chips. They were sitting in a burger place Rey had never been to before, prices jacked up high in this part of London. The food was good but wasn’t impressive. If Peckham had anything, it was definitely the best food in London. She doubted even the Queen knew what she was missing.

 

Finn still seemed to enjoy it, though, even if he was too busy biting Rey’s head off to notice. “I don’t think you’re stupid, Finn. I’ve never thought that. I was just hoping…”

 

“Hoping what? That I wouldn’t notice the giant man in your hotel room?” He took a drink of his sparkling water (AKA rich people liquid with bubbles). “I’m not sure whether you’re just in denial or really stupid. I’m gonna go with both.”

 

“I’m not stupid either! I was just hoping I’d have time to explain everything before you realized. I really was going to tell you. I just didn’t know how.”

 

Finn sighed and dropped a chip onto his plate. “You’re in love with him, aren’t you?”

 

She didn’t respond for the longest moment. It shouldn’t be so hard to admit to him. She could tell Poe easily enough, maybe even Rose, but Finn? Finn was her best friend, had been for ten years. She knew he’d stick with her through thick and thin, no matter who she dated, but he wasn’t an optimist. Finn never liked any of her boyfriends, and he especially didn’t like Ben after everything that had happened between them. It shouldn’t have stopped her, but she desperately wanted Finn to approve of him.

 

“Yeah,” Rey said finally, averting her eyes. “Yeah, I am.”

 

Finn stayed silent, toying with the straw in his drink. The air around them was uncomfortable, too quiet despite the chattering of everyone around them. It wasn’t until he was done with his chips that he spoke again. “Okay.”

 

She looked up at him. “What?”

 

“Okay,” he repeated. “I’m not the boss of you, Rey. You’re a grown woman. I can’t tell you what to do. And truth be told, I’d rather you date Kylo or Ben or Daddy or whatever you call him than any of your other douchebag boyfriends. He’s… He’s alright.”

 

Rey, honest to God, didn’t know what to say. She’d expected a lot from Finn, but none of it was this. “Really?”

 

He shrugged and picked up his burger. “I mean, you could certainly do worse. He does have quite a nice ass. I don’t blame you for wanting some.”

 

“Finn!” she hissed. “We’re in public.”

 

“I’m just saying,” he said then took a bite of his burger. “Have you told him yet?

 

Rey sighed, dipping a chip in ketchup but not eating it. “Not technically. I think he knows, though. I’m not sure if he likes me back, but he seems to be enjoying whatever the hell this is.”

 

“You should tell him. You seem a little in too deep now, so spending the rest of your life pining is not a good idea. He’d have figured out whether he likes you or not by now. You just have to talk to him. You know, like a normal fucking person. Usually people have that conversation before having sex, but that’s just me.”

 

_ Much easier said than done. _ “Listen, we have talked a lot, but I can’t exactly say ‘I love you. Now give me your cock.’ It had to be done with care.”

 

“Uh-huh. Admit it, you’re scared.” She didn’t answer. “Knew it. You’re terrified, he’s terrified. He’s absolutely in love with you, but you just can’t see it. God, I hate young love. So disgusting. You guys just need to get together today and talk about your feelings and have sex again so I don’t have to deal with all your pining bullshit. I will literally get my own hotel room somewhere else if you just promise me you will.”

 

As much as Rey hated to admit it, Finn wasn’t wrong by any stretch of the imagination. Her relationship with Ben was getting too complicated just to leave it as it was, and, honestly, leaving it didn’t feel right either. She hated the unknown, and it would be so much easier just to have a conversation now about what they were versus later.

 

Though, what  _ were _ they? Rey thought often about putting a label on what they had, but she never really thought much about exactly what she’d call them. They weren’t friends with benefits by any stretch of the imagination. There were too many feelings there, feelings not suited for that kind of relationship. But “Dating” didn’t really fit them either. Even if they’d never gone out on an actual date, they’d been friends long enough to have past that stage, surely. Truth be told, Rey did find herself referencing Ben as her boyfriend in her head on occasion. It hadn’t slipped out loud, thank God, but it had happened several times during lunch.

 

“I’m not promising anything,” she said, taking a quick swig of her Dr. Pepper. “And you don’t need to get a hotel room since we have two. I can just stay with Ben. It’s fine.” It would work out splendidly since she already very much intended to be staying with him anyway.

 

“As long as it’s not the bed you fucked on, then I’m game.”

 

Rey rolled her eyes and ate a chip. “You definitely have great timing. You’re a master cockblocker as always.”

 

Finn snorted. “Kylo cockblocks himself more than I’ve cockblocked you guys. Explains why he looked ready to kill me when he opened the door. At least be happy I didn’t knock a few minutes later.”

 

“He probably would’ve really killed you then.”

 

“Dicks out for cockblocking.” Rey opened her mouth to comment on the atrocious use of a meme from 2016 but was cut off with another question. “So what are you doing next?”

 

“Next?” she asked, chewing on a chip. “Next as in today?”

 

He shook his head. “No, next as in… your apartment. What are you going to do? Are you going back and moving in again after you get it cleaned up or what?” He held up a hand. “Personally, I’d move the fuck out of there as soon as possible and get you somewhere in a nicer area, but that’s just me.”

 

Rey didn’t answer right away, only giving a small shrug as an answer. Truthfully, she hadn’t thought about it much. Ben had asked a few times about it and had even offered to go looking for a new flat with her, but she still hadn’t made up her mind whether she was going to stay or not. Really, there should’ve been no discussion on whether or not she was going back, but there was still that stupid nostalgia of her first flat.  _ Your safety comes first, Rey, _ Ben had said one afternoon when they were talking. He was right, of course, no matter how much she hated to admit it.

 

“I don’t know,” Rey said finally, ignoring Finn’s annoyed glare. “It’s something I still have to think about and budget.”

 

Finn leaned close and lowered the volume of his voice. “What is there to budget? You have over eight million in your savings since you only had to pay less than a thousand pounds a month for your rent. You can literally get any apartment in London or the States for that matter, give them a year’s worth of rent up front, and still have more than enough to live off of. You know money isn’t an issue for you. It’s yourself.”

 

He was right. Rey hated it. “I know. I just… I don’t know what I want to do yet. There’s a lot of unknowns right now and—”

 

“Unknowns?” he asked, cutting her off. “You mean Kylo, right?” She didn’t answer. “That’s it. You don’t want to be apart from him, so you’re thinking about asking to move in with him.”  _ No, but that’s actually a great idea. _ “No, you can’t. I know I can’t control you or anything, but that is a bad idea. Sure he’s a great guy right now in your sex-muddled brain, but you barely know the guy. You could be totally incompatible for all you know. You can’t move in with him, especially since you’re not even dating.”

 

“I wasn’t going to ask to move in, Finn. Though, he is something I might have to factor in if we do start something. You know long-distance relationships aren’t my thing.”

 

“Yeah, like that one time we dated for three months via Twitter and you decided it didn’t work for you?” He smiled. “Trust me, I know. And it’s fine if you want to do that, but right now you should focus on your career more than some guy. You’ve put YouTube on the backburner a few times for guys, and that worked out horribly every single time.”

 

Rey hated that Finn was right. The first time it happened and things fell through, she vowed never to let a man get in the way of her career ever again, but it kept happening. “Ben wouldn’t do that to me. He knows how much YouTube means to me, and he really is a great guy. If you took the time to get to know him, then you’d know that.”

 

Finn rolled his eyes. “Start dating first and then I’ll get to know him. The only reason I’m not giving eight different side-eyes is because he already proved I could trust him with you.”

 

“I’m not a little girl, Finn. I can take care of myself. You don’t need to protect me all the time.” He didn’t respond right away, taking the time to take a bite and chew on his burger. “How’d he win your trust, though? You’re a tough one to crack.”

 

“Well,” he said when he swallowed, “remember that night you got drunk?”

 

_ Vividly. _ “It was just that?”

 

“A little more. I, uh, kinda told him about your past.”

 

Rey’s eyes shot up to meet his. “What? You told him what about my past?”

 

Finn held up his hands in defense. “Not all of it. Just a little more than you’d shared online. It was mostly about your, um, past relationships.” He went on when her eyes widened. “Before you freak out, it was something I think he deserved to know. He was really worried and confused and—”

 

“What the fuck, Finn?” she hissed. “You can’t just goin around telling people stuff like that. That’s private information. He didn’t  _ deserve _ to know any of that yet. It should’ve been my decision to tell him when I was ready.”

 

“I didn’t tell him everything! Just why you seemed so adamant about it and a bit about your boyfriends. I’m sorry. I should’ve asked.”

 

She shook her head and took another drink. Finn had no right to tell him anything about her at that time, even if he was concerned. It was a conversation she’d wanted to have later when everything was said and done and she could actually relax. Even so, there was no use in yelling at Finn about it now when it was months ago. “Fine, I’ll forgive you, but next time you want to tell people about my personal life, ask me first, alright?”

 

He nodded. “I promise.”

 

The conversation lightened up quickly thanks to Finn changing the conversation to the topic of YouTube. Honestly, Rey was bitter about all of her pre-filmed videos being lost on her laptop, not to mention her three extremely expensive cameras being taken as well. The cameras and laptop were replacable, of course, but both held weeks worth of videos that would take months to refilm. Hopefully her viewers would understand. That is, if she decided to tell them about it.

 

Rey always liked to be very open and honest on YouTube, no matter how much she tended to regret it afterward. It was through honestly that she’d gotten to where she was now, and surely it would be honesty getting her wherever she’d be going next. It wasn’t that Rey didn’t want to tell the internet about her flat troubles, it was really just figuring out exactly how  _ much _ she wanted to share.

 

Mentioning Ben was absolutely off-limits. It could not happen yet since their relationship, whatever it was, was still new. They had to talk and figure out where they wanted to go with this and how they would approach telling the masses. If they did decide to come out with it publicly, which they would eventually, it would not be an isolated event, something only happening between their two fandoms. Rey and Kylo Ren didn’t like each other in the public eye, even after their collabs. It was something practically mutually agreed upon by both sides of the fandom, most likely to not have to deal with interacting with one another.

 

Well, they had a big storm coming.

 

“I’m happy for you,” Finn said on their way back to the hotel. He was carrying his cup in one hand, other hand sunk into his pocket, face unreadable. Was that… disappointment? “I may not act like it, but I am. If you decide Kylo—”

 

“Ben,” she corrected, though unsure about how Ben would feel about Finn calling him by his given name.

 

Finn rolled his eyes. “Even if you decide on Ben”—He emphasized the name but wrinkled his nose in distaste—“and want to spend the rest of your life with him and have a bunch of monsters—whether be kids or a terrifying family of street cats—then I’ll support you.”

 

Rey smiled and elbowed him in the ribs. “You’d be a good uncle. Whether it be cats or kids.”

 

He didn’t reply, but Rey could see the smile on his lips. She knew Finn wasn’t sure about having kids of his own yet, despite how Rose brought it up here and there, but there was never a doubt in Rey’s mind about her wanting a family. Back when she was young, it’d been about her mother and father and finding them. Now that she’d gotten over the fact that they were gone for good, she liked to focus on the future and how it might feel to have her own family, one she built on her own.

 

Rey found that she liked the idea of moving somewhere out of the city just a bit and having her own little brood of dark-haired, freckled little children with tempers worse than both hers and their father’s. Little girls with dimples and the grace of chickens, little boys with hazel eyes and a severely awkward demeanor. It was the perfect combination of them, even if it was a far stretch of the imagination.

 

Honestly, the thought of Ben in all his massiveness holding a fragile baby was both funny and achingly sweet at the same time. What she wouldn’t give to see him nervously rocking a tiny baby the size of his hands, smiling down on it like they’re the best thing to ever grace the Earth.

 

“Earth to Rey.” Finn’s voice cut off her fantasy abruptly, and Rey was left with a bitter taste in her mouth. “Can you wait to fantasize about what your future children will look like until you actually start dating?”

 

She blinked in surprise. “How did you know?”

 

“Please, you had that sickly sweet smile that you always have when thinking about babies. Just chill and remember what Poe said about not taking care of your kid for you.”

 

“I’m not pregnant yet, calm down. Like you said, there’s sorta some things we need to talk about first.”

 

Finn stayed silent until they walked the rest of the short distance to the hotel and stopped in front of it. People were walking around them, casting annoyed glares when they didn’t keep moving, but, like the native Londoners they were, never commented on the fact. “If you’re going to tell him you love him, do it when you’re ready, but there’s no time like the present, Rey. Take him out later or go for a walk or just fucking ask to talk, but please do something. I’ll give you all the privacy you want or need or whatever. Just let me know. We’re both adults here.”

 

Rey pressed her lips together as tears threatened to fill her eyes and threw her arms around him. “You’re a saint, Finn. I love you so, so much. Thank you. I’m sorry for lying to you earlier and the last month.”

 

“Yeah, yeah, go tell that to your man. I know you love me. He doesn’t.” Finn pulled away from her and kissed her cheek. “Just be sure you know what you’re doing and don’t tell him some stupid bullshit, alright?”

 

She nodded and squeezed his shoulders. “I won’t, I promise. Will you walk me up to the room? I’m not sure I can do it myself.”

He pinched her hip. “Of course you can, but I’ll go with you anyway.”

 

They entered the hotel in complete silence, Rey biting her bottom lip to keep from smiling. She was finally going to do it. She was finally going to tell Ben she loved him. It’d only been less than 7 months since VidCon, and that was only the start of everything. They’d come such a long way, and Goddamnit, if she wasn’t proud.

 

“Quit bouncing,” Finn said in the elevator, swatting at her. “Calm down. Deep breaths.”

 

Rey hadn’t noticed how fast her heart was beating as they ventured closer. She was sure she’d pass out, even as Finn’s voice urged her to breathe. This was it. This was  _ it. _ This wasn’t just a silly crush confession. She was confessing that she wanted him and everything that came with him. She was confessing that he was everything to her. 

 

Before it seemed silly. Before it was just her being a romantic and letting herself get caught in the traps of love again. Now, though, now it meant something. It meant the finally,  _ finally, _ she could confidently lay out her feelings and only worry about whether he returned them or not.

 

“Alright, we’re here.” Finn’s voice broke through her consciousness. Rey hadn’t even noticed their arrival, time seeming to slip by too quickly. “You good?”

 

She nodded quickly and shoved her hands into her pockets, taking a deep breath to steady herself. “I’m good. I’m great.”

 

“You can do this.” He brought both hands to her shoulder and held her at arm’s length away.

 

“I can do this,” she repeated, swallowing the lump in her throat. “I can fucking do this.”

 

“You are a strong, confident woman who controls your own destiny, right?” Rey nodded. “Then go get your man. I’ll wait in the lobby or by the pool or at the bar. One of those three. Call me when you’re done doing… whatever. Got it?” She nodded one more time, and Finn kissed her cheek. “Good luck.”

 

Rey mumbled out a short thanks, but he was already walking down the hall. That was it then. It was time. Slowly, she dug the room key out of her pocket and slid it through the card reader, heart speeding up when the light turned green. Her mind was screaming a jumble of thoughts at her at once when she opened the door.

 

All the lights were off, room dark except for the sunlight flooding through the windows. Aside from that, it was cleaner, the clutter that had been gracing the floor here and there from their stay absent. She figured immediately he must’ve cleaned up, but it was unsettling somehow, like it wasn’t supposed to be this way.

 

Rey took off her coat and tossed it onto the table, adjusting her pants and t-shirt in an unneeded way before walking over and knocking on Ben’s closed bedroom door. She knew he wouldn’t mind if she just walked in, but privacy was important to her, so she waited.

 

And waited.

 

And waited.

 

A minute passed by with no answer, so Rey turned the knob and cracked open the door a bit. The room was dark, the curtains drawn, and bed was made, but there was no sign of life anywhere. She pushed open the door open all the way and walked in a few steps. The bathroom light was off, and so was the closet. He wasn’t there.

 

_ He must be in my room then. _ Rey practically ran to her room and knocked with a shaky fist. “Ben?” Her voice sounded pathetic, wavering over the name. She didn’t wait a minute this time and almost immediately opened the door. The image of the room she was met with was very different from his.

 

Sunlight flooded the room, shadowing only corners, sheets and duvet thrown off the bed and onto the floor. Neither of them had time to fix it after they woke up, so it was exactly the same as how she’d left it, evidence of their love-making from the night before, if they could even call it that. The only similarity between her and his room was the noticeable absence of Ben. He was gone. 

 

_ Fuck. _ There had to be an explanation for this. He had to just be running errands, right? He couldn’t have just… left. Rey pulled her phone from her pocket and opened her messages. There were none from Ben, nothing to indicate he was going out. No calls, no messages, nothing. 

 

**To Ben:**

_ where are you? _

_ i’m getting really worried _

_ please text me back _

 

Rey ran back to his room and opened the drawers of a dresser but was met with nothing, so she went into his bathroom and noticed all of his toiletries were gone. Hair gel, toothbrush, toothpaste, razor, shampoo, deodorant, mouthwash, contact case, comb, everything. It was all gone. All of his clothes and toiletries and bags. Gone.

 

_ He was gone. _

 

Shaking her head, Rey backed out of the room until the back of her legs hit the sofa in the living room. She opened up her messages to Ben again but was only met with three red “Not delivered” notifications.  _ That doesn’t make sense.  _ She opened Twitter and went to his page, just in case there was something on there that would give her and indication of what happe—

 

_ @kyloren blocked you _

_ You are blocked from following @kyloren and viewing @kyloren’s tweets _

 

That was it then. He blocked her. He blocked her and left her alone after all this, after all they’ve been through together. That was all she meant to him? That was it? 

 

Her hands shook as she leaned against the couch and dialed Finn’s number. He picked up almost immediately. “Hey, that was quick. What happened? Tell me everything.”

 

“Finn,” she said, voice cracking, “please come.”

 

“What’s wrong? Are you okay? Wait, did he—”

 

“Please just come,” she said. “I c-can’t.”

 

“I’m on my way.”

 

He didn’t hang up, and Rey could still faintly hear his voice on the other line, but she dropped her phone and sank down to the floor. She brought her knees into her chest and hugged them, burying her face into the fabric of her jeans as tears streamed down her face. Her shoulders shook as sobs racked through her body, fingernails digging into her knees.

 

He was gone. There was a part of her that couldn’t accept the fact, but deep down she already knew the truth. He was gone. He blocked her on Twitter, didn’t bother leaving a note or text or anything, and left. Ben did this.  _ Her _ Ben did this.

 

Except he wasn’t hers anymore. He never was, actually. Apparently it was just some fantasy she made up in her head and it felt so real that she saw things that weren’t there. Ben didn’t love her. He never did. That much was evident now, no matter how much she willed it to go away. But it wouldn’t it wouldn’t because she was too stupid to admit the truth.

 

There was a frantic knock on the door that made Rey jump. For a moment, she imagined it was Ben realizing his mistake, coming back and apologizing for leaving her, but then reality flooded her mind. It wasn’t Ben, but it was someone that could maybe listen to her stupidly incoherent rambling. Finn. Finn was always there for her no matter what, and he was here now standing behind one door.

 

Rey crawled over to the door before pulling herself up and fiddling with the lock for several moments, shaking hands not doing her any good. The door was barely open a crack before Finn was barging in and wrapping his arms around her. “What happened? Where is he? I just wanna talk. Unless you want me to beat his ass because I’ll do that too.”

 

She shook her head and buried her tear-stained face into his shoulder. “He left me,” she mumbled, barely coherent.

 

He ran his fingers over her back, just rocking her back and forth. “You told him and he didn’t return your feelings? He just walked out on you.”

 

“No.” Rey looked up at him and sniffled. “He wasn’t here. He was completely gone by the time we got back.” She let go of Finn and looked around at the room. “H-He was here when we left. He was fine. What happened? I don’t understand. What did I do? Why can’t he just talk to me? He just blocked me and left without a note or anything. I don’t get it. Am I that horrible? He can’t even break up with me to my face!”

 

Finn shook his head and hugged Rey again, and this time she didn’t pull away. “You’re not awful. I don’t know what happened, and I don’t know what to tell you, but Kylo Ren is an asshole, and he always was. At least you don’t have to get caught up in his lies.”

 

“I loved him.” She dug her fingernails into his back. “I loved him and he had to have known it. I wasn’t exactly subtle, was I? W-We had sex and we watched movies and I wore his clothes and he held me when we slept and didn’t let go when we woke up. It couldn’t have just been a one night stand. He couldn’t have just been using me.” Deep down, though, deep down she always suspected.

 

“Boys are shit. You just need time to get over him. There will be others, okay? It’s just one guy.”

 

Except he wasn’t just a guy. He was so much more than that. Despite how she wanted to correct him, it seemed Finn was right. It was just one guy. “You’re right,” she said, lip trembling. “He’s no one. In a few years, he’ll be nothing to me.”

 

Neither believed the lie, especially herself.

 

* * *

 

Kylo Ren @kyloren・1h

Going on a social media hiatus indefinitely. No new videos or updates for the time being. Thank you all for understanding.

 

Kylos tiddies @kylostiddies・1h

_ Replying to @kyloren _

Everything ok?

 

Renée Arbringer @ronniearbringer・1h

_ Replying to @kyloren _

Hope everything’s good!! <3

 

Rennigan @rennigan・1h

_ Replying to @kyloren _

Babe,,,, who hurt u

 

Falloutatthepilots @brokeno・1h

_ Replying to @kyloren _

nooooooooooooooo i was really looking forward to your next vid!!!! Tell me it will be out soon plz!

 

Reylovingit @reylovingit・1h

_ Replying to @kyloren _

:( hope you’re doing alright, kylo

 

Anne Eneheim @kylorenstan91・1h

_ Replying to @kyloren and @reylovingit _

Don’t act like you fucking care about Kylo aside from your shittyass Rey and your ship. Kylo deserves so much better than her.

 

Reylovingit @reylovingit・1h

_ Replying to @kyloren and @kylorenstan91 _

…………. Okay then

 

Anne Eneheim @kylorenstan91・1h

_ Replying to @kyloren and @reylovingit _

Lmao kill yourself

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey, everyone! I'm absolutely floored by the amount of comments last chapter; y'all are amazing! I saw many different kinds of reactions, but it seems like the overall feeling was heartbreak. Which was exactly what I was going for. The story's getting really close to ending (only 2 chapters + an epilogue left!) and it's so crazy! Thank you all so much for sticking with me through this!
> 
> Follow my Tumblr: https://reyloday.tumblr.com


	24. Notes, Quotes, And The Godforsaken Coat

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Things fall a little more into place

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Trigger Warning: We have a lot of emotional stuff going on here, including discussions on Ben's mental health (It's not good). Though it's more of an implication here, there are going to be discussions in this and the next chapter of depression. (It's not going to be super, super heavy, but it's going to be mentioned quite a few times.) Tread lightly, use your own judgment, and take care of yourselves, loves. <3

The next few days passed by painfully but quickly. Rey stayed in bed most of the time and tried not to think about how Ben had been in there once with her. Ridding him from her mind wasn’t easy since it seemed that for every moment he was absent from her memory, he’d be there for hours more. It was a vicious cycle, one that Rey wished to be done with.

 

Finn was starting to worry about her, mostly leaving her to her thoughts unless requested, but she could tell. He slept on the couch every night, not willing to sleep in Ben’s bed no matter how much his back ached. He brought her her meals three times a day, even the breakfast that he knew she wouldn’t eat. In the end, Rey just laid there and scrolled through any and all social media while hoping she could just find one thing to make her smile. She never did.

 

“I just called the hotel staff, and they said the room’s still being paid for by Ren, so he’s not a total douche,” Finn had said the day after Ben left. Rey still thought about it sometimes, just sitting there and wondering why a man who felt nothing for her would pay for a hotel like this even after he left. It would make sense to just kick her out, wouldn’t it? Or was he really just that rich? Rey didn’t care to find out.

 

She really shouldn’t be so upset. It was all her fault anyway. Maybe if she wasn’t so forward with him. Maybe if she didn’t force him to do things. Maybe if she just wasn’t so goddamn annoying. Maybe if she just kept it together and wasn’t such a fucking mess all the time. Maybe things would’ve been different. Maybe, just maybe, he would’ve stayed.

 

“Rey?” It was Finn again, carrying a tray of food. What time was it? She lost track most of the time, nights blurring into mornings. “You hungry? I got some pudding for you. The hotel also had chicken nuggets. It was on the kid’s menu, but at least it was half-price.”

 

She appreciated Finn, she really did, but there were just times Rey couldn’t take his constant pep-talks. “Thanks. You can just put it on the nightstand.”

 

He did as she asked and then stepped away, rocking back and forth on both feet. “Um, I know it’s only been a few days, but I’m… I’m really worried about you.” Rey opened her mouth to object, but he held up a hand. “You don’t need to tell me you’re fine because I know you, and I know you’re not fine. I was just thinking that maybe we should check out of the hotel.”

 

“Finn, what—?”

 

“I think being here might be hurting you. Maybe it’ll do you some good to go back to your apartment or start looking for another one instead of staying here surrounded by everything that happened, you know?”

 

Finn was right, and she knew it, but still… “I can’t go back and stay at my flat. I just can’t. I’m sorry.” It wasn’t exactly an excuse. She really couldn’t with everything that happened there. Not to mention the fact that who the hell knew where Todd went? 

 

He nodded. “Okay, uh, how about we check into another hotel then? Somewhere cheaper that I can pay for so you don’t have a constant reminder around.”

 

“You don’t have to pay for my hotel, Finn.”

 

“I know I don’t have to, but I want to. You look awful, and I hate to see you like this. Please just accept.”

 

He gave her a pleading look, the one he pulled out every time she said no to going into a discount store and buying every little useless knick knack. It was the one that always worked. “Okay, fine. We’ll check out tomorrow, but you can deal with reservations.”

 

“Done and done.”

 

“Actually,” she said, sitting up out of bed, “there was something I was wanting to do today.” When he nodded she said, “I do want to go to my flat. There’s some stuff I still need to get, and I don’t want to wait too long.”

 

Finn absolutely hated Peckham and had told her so many times, but he agreed almost immediately. “Just let me know when you want to go. I’m ready when you are.”

 

“Thank you, Finn.” He patted her leg and left her to her thoughts once more. 

 

Rey sighed and laid back, staring at the design on the ceilings. Every part of the hotel was immaculate, and there were details that never ceased to amaze her even a week after check-in. Fuck, had it actually been a week? A week since the robbery. A week since Ben—no,  _ Kylo, _ she reminded herself—dropped everything to come and help her. A week since everything seemed to change. 

 

God, she hated it. She hated the effect he has on her, how she can’t go an hour without thinking of him. Rey had been strong and alone for so long, and it was silly that a man could just waltz in and hurt her like this. It wasn’t fair. It wasn’t right. She wasn’t just something people could toy with.

 

Her crying tended to fluctuate between tears of sadness and tears of anger. Sometimes it was hard to distinguish between the two, both even happening at the same time on occasion, but now it was most definitely anger.

 

Ben—

 

No, Kylo Ren, had no right to play with her heart and leave her in shambles. He had no right to play some sick game and then ruin her life with no repercussions whatsoever. No, if he was just going to walk out after she gave him everything, he wasn’t going to get away with it just like that. There would be hell to pay. And so, just like any tech-savvy millennial would do, Rey opened Twitter.

 

Rey Of Light @reyoflight・1m

do you ever wonder where you went wrong with your life?

 

Rey Of Light @reyoflight・45s

ask anyone where I went wrong and they might say my drunk video

 

Rey Of Light @reyoflight・40s

no no i’ve never regretted that video

 

Rey Of Light @reyoflight・25s

wanna know where I really went wrong?

 

Rey Of Light @reyoflight・15s

it was collabing with the bastard you know by the name of kylo ren

 

Rey Of Light @reyoflight・5s

Seriously fuck him and anyone who disagrees i’m so fucking done with his bullshit

 

Rey Of Light @reyoflight・1s

also never mention his fucking name around me again

 

Rey knew she would regret it. Rey knew that it was stupid and immature and exactly the opposite of who she wanted to be online, but Kylo deserved this for all the fucking bullshit she’d had to put up with the past few months. _ Bullshit, bullshit, bullshit, bullshit. _

 

Hands shaking out of rage, she stood up and walked into the bathroom, slamming the door behind her before immediately yanking off her clothes. She twisted the knob of the shower all the way up and got in without giving it a chance to warm up. The cold was biting, but Rey forced herself to stand under it all the same. Within a minute, the temperature changed from freezing to burning hot, but she still stood and let the water fall over her head. Her skin burned, but it was soothing, gave her something to focus on besides her own stupidity.

 

_ Bullshit, bullshit, bullshit, bullshit. _

 

She let out a wry laugh and spit water onto the tile. It was the first time she expressed any emotions except for sadness and forced decency just to show Finn she was okay. Truth was, she wasn’t, not at all. It wasn’t rocket science to figure out at this point since anyone with a brain could tell, but it was more than that. Rey wasn’t just sad. Rey was fucking furious.

 

Whatever happened to Kylo Ren? Whatever happened to the grudge and then the biting insults and the shade thrown on Twitter? When did him against her turn into them against the world and back to him against her again? 

 

She could blame it on him. In fact, it probably would be easier to at this point, but no. It wasn’t completely his fault. It was her own. This was her own fault for not listening to her gut and shutting the man that broke her heart back in 2012 out forever. He didn’t deserve her attention. He didn’t deserve  _ her. _

 

_ Bullshit, bullshit, bullshit, bullshit. _

 

Rey shut the water out and swung open the shower door. Her skin was bright red from the heat of the water and burned against the cold air, but fuck, if it didn’t feel good. She dried off furiously with a towel on a rack and wrapped it around herself before going out into her room.

 

“Finn!” she called out, pulling her backpack with only one clean set of clothes out onto the bed. Upon hearing his reply, she added, “Get ready! I’ll be out in five!”

 

Her clothes were ones she’d already worn but had been washed by the wonderful hotel staff that kept pestering them about cleaning the rooms. Rey always said no, though, even when Finn insisted on it. She dressed quickly and grabbed her phone before walking out to the living room where Finn has made camp. His laptop was out, along with a bag of popcorn spilled onto the table and three cans of opened Diet Coke but no Finn. He was in the bathroom then, begrudgingly most likely since he hated touching anything Kylo had. She didn’t have the heart to tell him he had already touched her many, many, many times.

 

“What’s got you so perky all of the sudden?” Finn asked as he walked out of the bathroom and grabbed his coat from the back of the couch. “Don’t tell me you smoked some weed. Wait, is that legal here? If so, I want some.”

 

“No, I didn’t smoke any weed. I just… decided it was time to stop wallowing in self-pity and get back up again, you know?” She could bring herself to say  _ “No, it’s just because I posted a bunch of Kylo Ren callout tweets on Twitter, and I don’t want you to see them and make me delete them.”  _ He’d find out eventually, but there was some things that could be left for a later conversation.

 

Finn slipped on his coat and pocketed his wallet before walking toward the door. “That’s good. You ready?” Rey nodded and followed him to the door, but he stopped her. “Hey, it’s freezing. Where’s your coat?”

 

“Dead to me,” she deadpanned.

 

“It’s literally like 20 degrees out.”

 

“So? I’d rather freeze than wear something he gave me.” She held up a hand when he opened his mouth to argue. “Don’t even try and talk me out of it. I’m in a good mood right now. Don’t ruin it.”

 

He rolled his eyes. “Fine, but I’m not giving you my jacket if you get cold, so you’ll just have to suffer.”

 

She more than happily agreed since suffering was something she’d become quite good at the past few days. “Deal.”

 

* * *

 

If there was anything Kylo was good at, it was acting.

 

He’d always been good at acting, even when he was little. When he was 6, he’d acted like his ankle was hurt so he didn't have to go to school. When he was 11, he’d acted like he really cared about all the friends his mother brought over to their house and introduced him to. When he was 14, he started acting like he was okay.

 

Over the years it got both easier and harder. Lies slipped off his tongue about what he was doing, why he didn’t have friends, what he wanted to do in life. When he started YouTube, it became easier than ever to leave everything behind and pretend like he was a badass who didn’t give a fuck about anyone or anything. 

 

It was all a lie, though, and they were never anything but that. The acts always wore off, and eventually it would reveal the shell of a man that he’d so desperately hidden for so long.

 

Kylo hated the man in the mirror that he woke up as. The man with glasses and dark circles and scars that ran deeper than just the surface. He hated the way he’d let the day past by in bed, not doing anything except just lying there with no other reason except for the fact he couldn’t will himself to get up.

 

Snoke was right. He was weak and ridiculous, but there was nothing he could do about it.

 

“Kylo?” A knock on the door and a familiar voice. Kylo didn’t look over. “I haven’t seen you in a while? What’s going on?”

 

Hux was not the traditional kind of friend. He was not the type to text first to see if you were alright or bring you soup if you were sick. He was not kind or particularly compassionate or understanding, but he was someone and sometimes he was okay.

 

When Kylo didn’t answer, Hux crept closer and sat on the edge of the bed. “What did Rey do? I haven’t seen you like this in a while.”

 

“She…” Kylo winced at the sound of his own voice. How long had it been since he last spoke? “I don’t want to talk about it.”

 

Hux nodded and let out a loose breath. “Alright, you know I’m not good at this. I don’t understand what the fuck is happening to you or anything, but if you need anything, let me know. Have you been taking your meds?”

 

_ Unfortunately.  _ “Yes.”

 

“Okay.” He stood up and began walking to the door. “Take care, Kylo.”

 

Kylo didn’t respond and only dared to breathe freely when the door closed behind Hux. His heart thundered against his chest, even though there was no reason to. As always, he was being stupid, weak. He could practically hear Snoke’s voice in his head yelling it.

 

Except that was the truth, and the truth always hurt more than anything. Kylo was stupid and weak and everything else. He’d fallen for a girl who didn’t want him, just another addition to the people he could barely bear to name.

 

_ Han Solo. _

 

_ Luke Skywalker. _

 

_ Leia Organa. _

 

_ Rey. _

 

What was the point anymore? What was the point in dealing with this and the inevitable pain that came with it? Why can’t he just stop doing this to himself and just do what Snoke asks of him? Snoke always knew better anyway. Snoke was always the right way to go. Even so, Kylo could barely stand to sit up, let alone focus enough energy into answering the five text messages from his manager that he’d been neglecting.

 

**From Snoke:**

_ Has your plane landed yet? I’d like you to come and visit me. _

_ I just looked up your plane and it said you landed six hours ago. Stop ignoring me. _

_ Kylo Ren, you have no excuses to be ignoring me. Stop the self-pity and get yourself together right now. _

_ You mean nothing to this girl. She doesn’t love, and she never will. It’s a fact you should accept sooner rather than later. _

_ It’s been three days, Kylo. You need to get your ass out of bed and stop acting like you have an illness. You are perfectly fine, and your delusions don’t change that fact. _

 

When he was finished reading, Kylo had to blink back tears and force himself to send a short apology to Snoke. The man was right about many things, but this one particular thing was completely wrong. So many things were acts put on just for show, but never in his life has he acted like he had an illness.

 

That wasn’t acting. That wasn’t a lie.

 

That was a fact.

 

Closing his eyes, Kylo dropped his phone onto the floor and buried his face into the pillow, choking on the traitorous sobs that racked through his body. 

 

* * *

 

Rey’s apartment seemed to look even worse than it was the last time she’d seen it. Now that it was daylight and she had a fresh mind, she could really see how terrible everything looked. There was no way she could move in again or get her security deposit back. (Not that she would get it back in the first place. Her landlord was the slimiest man she’d ever met in her life and would use every excuse in the book to keep that goddamn £500.) The only thing she could do at this point was salvage whatever she could from the trainwreck that was her flat, buy out her contract, and then find something that she could move into quickly.

 

“Fuck, what did you do to your neighbor?” Finn asked as he dug through a drawer in her room. Todd seemed to have mostly been focused on worthwhile possessions and wasn’t a creep who stole her clothes, so that was a plus, at least.

 

Rey threw a basket onto her bed and piled in a bunch of clothes from her closet. “Nothing. He’s just a prick like every other man in my life.”

 

Finn rolled his eyes. “I’m not a prick, Poe’s not a prick. Well, he is a prick but not to you.”

 

“Not the point,” she mumbled, digging through the basket of clothes. She was about to speak again but silenced herself when she came across a single bright red shirt with white lettering that wrote out the phrase ‘Enjoy Cock.’

 

_ “This one. Definitely your favorite.” _ __   
__   
_ “I knew I should’ve burned that shirt. It’s literally the worst thing I’ve ever bought.” _ __   
_   
_ __ “No, I saw several items in your living room that were seven times worse.”

 

And there it was again, the sinking in her stomach, the tears at the back of her eyes threatening to spill. Just as Rey was starting to feel okay again, just as she could see herself going forward, these stupid memories came back like some kind of slap in the face. She hated it, God, she hated it and she hated him.

 

The collab was such a simpler time. If only they could just go back there. Maybe then she wouldn’t have fucked it up so—

 

No. No, this was not her fault. Rey was not the one who lied to get what she wanted. Rey was not the one who blocked his number and walked out after one night. Rey was not the one who took advantage of him. Rey was not the one who broke his heart. 

 

_ Bullshit, bullshit, bullshit, bullshit. _

 

This was not her fucking fault.

 

“Hey, are you okay?” Finn’s hand was on her shoulder. When had it gotten there? Wait, fuck, when did she start crying? “What’s wrong?”

 

Rey shook her head and swallowed the lump in her throat. “I…”  _ I hate myself for letting him do this to me.  _ “I’m just really upset about my flat.”

 

He rose an eyebrow. “Your flat?” She didn’t reply. “Rey, you don’t have to lie to me.”

 

She sniffled and wiped the tears from her cheeks. “I’m sorry. I’m just… I feel so helpless anymore. I know he’s just a stupid boy, and I should be able to get over him, but I’m still just so confused. None of this makes sense.”

 

Finn sat down on the bed, and Rey followed, folding her legs underneath her. “Alright, Rey, talk to me. Tell me why you’re confused. Maybe I can help you.”

 

She stayed silent for the longest moment, eyes trained on her hands in her lap. “I just… don’t fucking get it. I don’t understand. I know we’ve talked about this before, but I still can’t wrap my mind around it. The stuff he’s said, the stuff he’s done, it just doesn’t add up to leaving, plain and simple. I know I’m not the greatest at reading people, but anyone with eyes could tell, Finn.”

 

“I believe you. Every time I saw you together, you acted so disgusting and coupley. There wasn’t a doubt in my mind he was in love with you.”

 

“Then why? Why? After all we went through, he just ups and leaves. Did I do something? Was the sex so awful he decided he couldn’t be with me anymore?” She laughed wryly. “Maybe that’s why he wouldn’t let me blow him.”

 

Finn held up a hand. “Please spare me the details, but I agree with you. It doesn’t make sense, but it’s not like you can talk to him because he’s the asshole who blocked you and left the fucking country. There’s nothing you could’ve done.”

 

She twisted her fingers into her hair and tugged lightly. “I know, and that’s what kills me. There’s nothing I can do, but there’s still a part of me that thinks that I can.”

 

He pressed a hand to her back. “That’s just something you have to accept for now. Maybe you can track him down in April at Playlist and yell at him then.”

 

“No, I refuse to ever speak to him ever again. He wanted a one night stand, I’ll give him one.”

 

“Does Twitter bashing include that?”

 

_ Oh, he did see that.  _ “Listen, alright, I needed to let off some steam, and Twitter seemed like the best place at the time.”

 

“Well, you pretty much blew the entire site off. Last time I checked ‘#reyloisoverparty’ was trending.”

 

Her eyes widened. “Fuck, that’s not what I meant to do. Well, it’s not like they’re wrong anyway, so whatever. Kylo can deal with it.”

 

“Good. Are you feeling better now?” She nodded, and he stood up. “Are you about ready to go? Have everything you need?”

 

Rey stood up and grabbed the basket of clothes on the bed, staring for a moment at the red shirt before slipping it in with the others. (There was no use in letting a perfectly good shirt go to waste, right?) All the furniture in the flat was technically her landlord’s, and aside from her few clothes and weird little knick-knacks, she didn’t have to deal with the rest.

 

She was about to leave when she noticed her little ukulele leaning outside the bathroom door. It was the only survivor of her instruments, everything else either taken or destroyed. The instrument felt heavy in her hands when she picked it up, and she suddenly felt like crying again.  _ Fuck. _

 

“Rey, you ready?” Finn’s voice came from the doorway of her flat. “The Uber’s here.”

 

Rey blinked her tears away and shot a forced smile in his direction. “I’ll be just a moment. Go ahead without me. I’ve got a couple things to grab.”

 

He stared at her for a moment but ended up shaking his head and walked out the door, saying “Take as long as you need” on his way out.

 

Even though he probably didn’t believe her, Rey was grateful for the privacy. She slunk against the wall next to the doorway of her bathroom and looked down at the ukulele in her hands. How long had it been since she played? Two weeks, at least. The strings were painstakingly familiar when she brought them up to play, strumming just a bit. Usually when she was sad, she resorted to piano or the old viola she had at one point, something that suited her mood. The ukulele was too bright and reminded her of a different time.

 

Sighing, Rey sat the ukulele into her basket and leaned over to pick it up from the floor. As she did so, she caught sight of a notebook peeking out from underneath the sofa. She reached over and opened it, frowning down at the familiar page.

 

**_Forgive me pls (??? working title)_ **

_ Oh would you be so kind as to fucking forgive me _

_ You see I’m trying _

_ I know you know that I like you _

_ But that’s not enough _

_ So if you will please fucking forgive me _

 

Of course it would be now that it decided to show up and haunt her. And of course it would be the worst song she’d ever written, the one she’d written for him  _ apologizing. _ No, that wasn’t happening. With a snort, Rey ripped the page from her notebook and shredded it into tiny pieces. No use for it now. When all the pieces were combined into the glass, Rey walked out of her flat, slamming the door behind her.

 

Finn was waiting in the Uber with a slightly disgruntled driver, seemingly annoyed to be waiting. Rey made a mental note to tip him extra. “Hey, you good?” Finn asked when she got in, setting the basket at her feet.

 

Rey just nodded. “Great. When we get back to the hotel wanna watch something? I’m in the mood for something light.”

 

“‘90s Disney cartoon binge? I’m in.” It was the best suggestion Rey had heard all day.

 

* * *

 

It was late in the afternoon when they got back to the hotel, having stopped to get an early dinner and ended up walking the rest of the way when their second Uber never arrived. Finn, the saint that he was, did end up giving Rey his jacket just to silence her whining. No one really spared the two a second glance as they walked, surely having seen more worse things in Central London.

 

Rey was more than grateful when they walked into the hotel lobby, warm and blessedly not busy. The hotel manager did give them a look when they came in, but aside from that they were free to go. She fidgeted when they went into the elevator and ascended, unable to keep the memory of what happened last time she did this out of her mind. Finn seemed to notice but didn’t comment on the fact and just stared at the floor numbers that kept going up. Soon enough, they arrived fifth floor and began walking down the hall.

 

Rey was surprised to find that the door was open, a maid’s cart parked right outside. She sighed but found herself relieved at the same time. Maybe it’d be nice to have fresh sheets that didn’t smell like Kylo.

 

“Oh, my apologies,” the maid said when they walked in, baskets still in hand. “I’ll be done soon. Let me know if I’m in your way.”

 

Rey forced on a smile. “No, take your time. Thank you.” With a nod to the maid, she went into her room and opened the door. The bed was made and all the clothes thrown onto the floor were folded into piles on it, including the black t-shirt she’d worn after—

 

No, no thinking of that. That didn’t matter anymore.

 

She sat the basket down on the floor and pulled out the ukulele, staring down at it. Again, not the best instrument for her mood, but it would suffice well enough, even if you couldn’t exactly rage-play a ukulele. Even so, she started strumming a few chords just to take her mind off everything.

 

Except that never worked and fuck her for ever thinking it did. 

 

“Ma’am?” The voice came from just outside the doorway, and Rey looked up to see the maid standing there. “Ma’am, I found something on the table under your coat. I wasn’t sure if it was important or not, and I didn’t want to throw it out.”

 

Rey loosened her grip on the ukulele and rubbed absently on the small indentations on her fingertips. “What is it?”

 

“Oh, I didn’t read it.” She had the sneaking suspicion she did. “I just thought maybe…”

 

“Here, let me see it.” The maid walked over and sat a small notebook in her hand. On it was black ink in cursive. She hadn’t seen this note before, but—

 

Fuck.

 

_ Rey, _

 

No, no, no, no. This could not be happening. A letter to her. Fuck, fuck, no, not right now. It could be from anyone, though. It wasn’t necessarily from—Her eyes flew down to the bottom of the letter, and, sure enough, there it was clear as day:

 

_ Yours, _

_ Ben _

 

There was a part of her, a large part, that wanted to throw whatever the hell this was out of the fucking window in little tiny pieces, but self-control was never exactly her strong suit. Even if Rey really, really didn’t want to deal with whatever bullshit excuses he’d left her, she kept reading anyway. Maybe it would be a fun video to reread some sick break up letter and ruin his life at the same time. What jolly fucking fun, right?

 

And so she kept reading.

 

If you asked her what she was expecting out of it, Rey would’ve said something along the lines of “Prick makes an excuse as to why he had to bounce and told her that it was fun while it lasted.” She was expecting some bullshit that would make her cry again but piss her off even more, lead to some angry hate-Tweets, and then another afternoon in bed wondering why she ever let him into her life. She could picture it clearly, but as the note went on, what she got instead was… completely different.

 

No.

 

No, no, no, this was not happening. This was forged. This was fake. This was a fucking  _ lie. _ He  _ left. _ This note is a lie.  _ You mean nothing to him, nothing. You always have and you always will. This doesn’t change that fact. It’s— _

 

_ I love you. _

 

_ I love you. _

 

_ I love you.  _

 

How many times had she wanted to hear that? How many times had she wanted him to say it and say it again? How many times did she want to say it to him? How many times did she just want to lean against him and kiss his neck and just say those three fucking words? At the time it made perfect sense not to, but why hadn’t she?

 

Why hadn’t she?

 

God, no. No, no, what had she done? What made him do this? What made him think that he was anything but everything to her? It doesn’t make sense. Then again, their relationship never made sense in the first place. 

 

So this was it then? He hadn’t wanted to leave. He’d loved her, and she’d done something and fucked it all up. Sounded like her, if she was honest.

 

_ I realize again why love is such a bad idea, why it just tears you apart. It hurts so fucking much. All I want right now is to go back to New York, back to my apartment, and back to my own bed, which is exactly what I’m doing. _

 

Ben was right. Love was such a fucking horrible idea. It hurt and it burned and it made you question everything in your life to some degree. It was absolute chaos, but it was the most beautiful kind.

 

Rey looked up from the note and sucked in a breath as tears streamed down her face. Before they were painful reminders, but now they stung in more ways than she thought physically possible. There was no way this was real. There was no way Ben Solo was in love with her. Except he was, and she always knew it.

 

Something must’ve happened. Jesus Christ, what did she do? Rey fucked up so much in their time together. It had to have been something big, but—

 

“Hey, Rey, are you—holy shit. Are you okay?” Finn’s voice brought her out of her trance, but Rey could only shake her head. “What happened?” he asked, walking closer. She only held out the letter as a response, and he scanned it quickly before handing it back. “Well then. Don’t call me insensitive or anything, but, uh, you fucked up.”

 

She shook her head and took the note with shaky hands. “No fucking shit.”

 

Finn pressed his lips together. “What are you gonna do?”

 

Now that was the question of the century, wasn’t it? What the fuck  _ was _ she going to do? She couldn’t just fly to New York on a whim and show up at his flat with some grand gesture?

 

Wait.

 

“I’m flying to New York.” Rey jumped to her feet and grabbed her backpack from the floor, emptying it out and shoving clothes into it at random.

 

It took Finn a few seconds to fully realize what she said. “Wait, you’re what?”

 

She grabbed her phone charger from behind her bed and shoved it into the bag. “I’m going to New York, and you can’t stop me. I’m sorry, Finn.”

 

He smiled. “I wasn’t going to stop you. You need to do what you have to do. Just be careful, alright?”

 

Rey wrapped her arms around him. “Thank you for being so amazing, Finn. I love you so much.”

 

“We already talked about this, remember? I know you love me. He definitely doesn’t. Go fucking get your man, Rey. It’s all up to you now.”   
  


She ran out into the living room and slipped on her coat, letting the backpack with the very bare essentials hang off her arm. The maid’s cart was gone already, but Rey made a mental note to thank her profusely the next time she saw her. 

 

At the last second before she left, Rey ran into her room and grabbed the ukulele and songbook from her bed and stared down at it, ignoring Finn’s questioning glance as she left. With the note tucked into her coat pocket, there was nothing else she needed now, except the man waiting for her in New York.

 

“I’m coming, Ben,” Rey muttered to herself as she walked down the hotel hall. “Just hang in there.”

 

* * *

 

**brokenpiecesofyou**

I’m just so confused. What happened??

_ #rey of light #reyoflight #kylo ren #youtube #reylo _

_ 1 note _

 

**kylosreylo**

I’m so heartbroken. What happened? Is everything okay?

_ #kylo ren #rey of light #reyoflight #reylo _

_ 6 notes _

 

**reydarlings**

I don’t even ship Reylo, but it’s so sad seeing Rey seemingly break up with what seemed like a really good friend. ::(

_ #reyoflight #rey of light #reylo _

_ 30 notes _

 

**antiantireylo**

god i don’t know what to do anymore

_ #I’m actually really really sad #what happened #reylo _

_ 3 notes _

 

**reyloisbullshit**

Tea

_ #anti reylo #reylo is bullshit #reylos dont interact #my memes _

_ 279 notes _

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hellooooo, everybody!!! Wow, we're coming to a close really fast here, aren't we? We've still got two chapters to go (Technically 1 + an epilogue) until we're finished, but gahhh it's so crazy!! I've been working on this fics for almost exactly five months and to think by (maybe!) next Saturday it'll be done is so wild! Y'all are amazing ahhhhh! Anywayyy, hope you are looking forward to the next chapter AKA The Great Resolution because I am definitely having a great time writing it!!! Hope y'all have a great weekend! <3
> 
> Follow my Tumblr: https://reyloday.tumblr.com/


	25. Would You Be So Kind (As To Fall In Love With Me)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Things get a little more... intertwined.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Whatever you do, don't listen to [Intertwined by Dodie](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4TJxmsj1lUg) while reading this.

Amelia Yang @ameliayang ⋅ 12m

Ummm so I just checked and Rey deleted her tweets

 

Regina Moranolith @akajess ⋅ 11m

_ Replying to @ameliayang _

What the shit is happening

 

Ja ce @jaces ⋅ 11m

_ Replying to @ameliayang _

Y tho Rey never deletes her tweets ever

 

Binktop @binktopfs ⋅ 9m

_ Replying to @ameliayang _

Omg maybe she regrets posting it

 

Pizzarolls04 @pizzarolls04 ⋅ 8m

_ Replying to @ameliayang _

REYLO REYLO REYLO

 

Lindsay McKinnon @lindale ⋅ 6m

_ Replying to @ameliayang _

All these people talking about Reylo jeez it’s not gonna happen, folks calm the fuck down

 

* * *

 

The flight so far was not a good one. The Economy Class that she’d been using for years was completely full for some godforsaken reason, and Rey was only left with the loathsome First Class. She’d almost thrown up when she confirmed her booking online, the price tag approaching £9,000, but managed to hold it in. For now, at least.

 

First Class itself was quite nice, if she was honest. She could actually move her legs and not have to worry about her knees bumping into the seat of the person in front of her. No wonder Ben flew First Class with his height. It must’ve been awful to be in anything less.

 

_ Ben,  _ fuck, she missed him. The situation hadn’t yet completely settled in yet. Very little made sense, but at least she knew one thing for certain: Ben Solo was in love with her, and she’d done something to make him leave. That was all Rey needed for now. She just needed to fly to New York and fix whatever happened between them.

 

That letter… What did she do? He sounded so defeated, so heartbroken. She hated to imagine what he looked like in real life. Did he really mean what he said about going back to New York and lying in bed? Rey had certainly done the same for him, but the idea of him being as miserable as she was just because she dropped her stupid coat on the note felt like an accurate description of their relationship thus far. It was fitting, if not a little ridiculous.

 

Her flight was just over eight hours, but by hour three, Rey felt like crying more than ever. She shuffled the letter between both of her hands, running her fingers against the slightly smeared ink. It made her wonder so many things—when he’d written it, what gave him the idea, why he hadn’t just talked to her. Then again, why did they ever do anything?

 

The last time Rey checked they were just fine. That was the most bizarre part of the situation. They were fine, and then they weren’t. What changed between then and now? She still couldn’t figure it out. They had the best night together and then he left without a word. That just left the question of what the hell did she do?

 

Truthfully, a lot. She’d ignored him for weeks after he said no to sex, stayed at his flat unannounced, and then got him to drop everything to fly to London to save her. He’d done so fucking much for her with no repayment. It was no wonder he left. Whatever she did, she probably deserved it.

 

_ I really do mean it when I say I love you. _ It was present tense. When he was writing that note, he still loved her somehow in some way. Maybe it was nothing, maybe it was something, but Rey couldn’t just sit back and wonder for the rest of her life. If he didn’t want to see her again, he could say so, but he’d made a grand gesture to her once. Now it was her turn. 

 

People were staring at her. Why wouldn’t they? Rey was sure she looked absolutely awful with tear-stained cheeks and notebook laying across her lap. Two different flight attendants had come up to her and asked her if she was alright. The answer was always one nod, a forced smile, a promise that it was nothing, and they always left unconvinced. God help her if one of her fans spotted her anywhere. Rey wasn’t sure she could hold it together for that.

 

Hour four out of eight. Hour five out of eight. Hour six out of eight. Time went slowly but too quickly at the same time. Rey had to close her eyes and take deep breaths just to keep herself from hyperventilating. It was fine, it was fine, it was fine. She’d arrive in New York soon, and then she and Ben could talk it out, and then everything would be okay. She just had to hold it together.

 

Hour seven out of eight was when Rey opened her notebook, desperate for some kind of distraction besides the madhouse that was Twitter (which was still having a meltdown that “Reylo” was over even after she deleted the tweets). She trailed the tip of her pen across the page and sighed. None of her songs seemed to channel anything close to what she was feeling now. The most striking part of the book was the remnants of the page she’d ripped out, and the didn’t do her any good, the pieces now spread over the floor of her flat. Hell, she barely remembered what it was about.

 

Would you be so… kind. That was what is was, wasn’t it? Would you be so kind. Would you be so kind as to what? What the hell was she trying to ask? Would you be so kind as to forgive me? No, she’d asked that too many times. Would you be so kind as to listen to me? No, that was conceited, and it wasn’t like Rey deserved it. None of this was working. It just ended up hurting more as she went on. She wanted to be happy again, wanted to relive that blissful feeling of when they were just starting out and everything was unsure but completely beautiful.

 

Would you be so kind. Would you be so kind as to… fall in love with me?

 

And just like that, everything clicked into place.

 

A relationship, something teasing and new. Long looks and smiles, Chinese take-out and friendly jabs, Skype calls in the middle of the night with no real intention except seeing their faces. It was happy and comforting, a solid thing on a shaky foundation. Their friendship was perfect. If only whatever came next could be that way too.

 

**Would You Be So Kind (As To Fall In Love With Me)**

 

Hour eight out of eight. No sleep, just bitter coffee after bitter coffee, but Rey’s first song in months glared back at her with messy notes and chord combinations that were choppy. It was something, though, and that was what mattered. 

 

Reality didn’t even strike her at first when a flight attendant’s voice rang through the speakers to request they fasten their seatbelts for landing. Reality didn’t strike her when she was exiting the plane, lugging her backpack and ukulele through JFK. Reality didn’t strike her until she was tugging her jacket around her and waiting in line for a taxi just like she did last Christmas Eve.

 

“Where to, ma’am?” the driver asked when she slid into the back of the car. 

 

Rey’s voice caught in her throat when she tried to speak but managed to squeak out Ben’s address. The driver didn’t make much conversation as he drove, and she was thankful for it. Rey wasn’t sure she’d be able to make casual conversation when she was on the verge of having a breakdown. Surely a taxi driver dealt with worse in this city, though.

 

The ride out of the airport was much easier than it was the last time Rey was there. This time there was no snow to deal with except for occasional slush piles on the corner and there was little to no traffic since it was already past 11, which meant it was past 4 in the morning in London. God, even if she’d spent the last three days in bed, she was so fucking tired, physically and emotionally. Sleep could wait, though. Ben was more important.

 

As they neared closer to his flat, Rey prayed silently that he was home. If he wasn’t, what would she do? Go to Hux and beg him to let her in? No, she just had to have total faith in him being a shut-in. Aside from that, Rey just had to worry about him agreeing to speak with her. God knows she doesn’t deserve it, but even if he indeed never wanted to speak with her again, she needed to know why.

 

“Alright, ma’am, that’ll be $59.90. Cash or credit?”

 

Rey blinked blearily and looked outside the window. Damn it, they’d gotten there sooner than she thought. She dug her last $100 American bill out of her wallet and handed it to the driver. “Keep the change,” she mumbled and got out of the cab, dragging her backpack and ukulele behind her. 

 

The building looked the same as it did the first time Rey was here. It still looked fancy and pretentious, but it was exactly what she needed at the moment. With a deep breath, Rey walked in and tried to calm her pounding heart. Here she was, so close but so far away at the same time.

 

“Miss, were you invited here?”

 

_ Oh, you have got to be kidding me.  _ Rey looked over to see the same hotel manager as the one last time approaching her. “Jesus Christ, do you not remember me? We had this conversation in December.” When the man made no indication he remembered her, Rey went on. “I’m here for Kylo Ren. He’ll probably be Ben Solo on his lease.”

 

“I’ve already explained to eight girls in the past five months. Kylo does not want to see you. Go home, kid.”

 

Rey shook her head as she felt tears brimming her eyes. “I can’t. I know he fucking doesn’t want to see me, but I messed up. Please, please, I have to see him.”

 

The man stared at her for a long moment before going behind his desk and typing quickly into his computer. After a moment, he looked up at her. “I’d call him if I could, but he’s put in a request that he not be disturbed except in emergency. Unfortunately, this doesn’t qualify as one. I’m sorry.” Rey buried her face into her hands, trying to hide the tears that rolled freely down her cheeks. “Is there… someone I can call for you? A hotel maybe?”

 

“Armitage Hux,” she said before she could stop herself. “He’s one of your residents as well. It would mean a great deal to me.”

 

The man huffed but typed a bit before picking up the phone. “Mr. Hux? Yes, there’s someone looking to see you. Her name is—Wait, what’s your name?”

 

She wiped her cheeks. “Rey, the YouTuber.”

 

“Rey, the YouTuber,” the man said. “Do you know who she is?”  _ Please, please, Hux. I’m sorry for calling you overrated that one time, but please. Do me this one favor. _ “Yes, yes, thank you so much. I’ll tell her. Have a good night.” He hung up the phone and sighed. “Mr. Hux is coming down to see you.”

 

Down to see her? Now that was a surprise. She wouldn’t complain, though, even if Hux was a conniving prick. “Thank you so much,” she replied before going to sit in their small lounge. As she waited, Rey focused on trying to calm herself down. It’d be no use in going to see him as a hysterical mess. She just had to calm the fuck down and then everything would be—

 

“Thank fucking God you’re here.”

 

Rey snapped her head to see Hux walking toward her. “What did you do, run down?”

 

“Of course I did, but that’s not the point. Follow me. Now.” She did as he asked and followed him down the hall toward the elevator. “It took you long enough,” Hux said when the elevator door closed behind them. “I was wondering when you’d get here. I didn’t realize it’d take you three fucking days. Couldn’t get an earlier flight?” His tone was accusatory, biting.

 

“I thought he left me for no reason! I didn’t find his note, and he blocked me. I just thought he was using me as a one night stand or something. I didn’t realize he actually…”

 

“Loved you?” Hux snorted. “Well, everyone else did. We just thought you were stupid.” The elevator dinged and opened, and Rey followed Hux out and down the hall. “You should know that Ren… hasn’t been good. Physically or mentally or emotionally. Whatever the fuck happened between you two took a toll on him, and I’ve been at a loss for what to do. He barely ever answers the phone, and he won’t eat most of the time. I haven’t seen him like this in a while.” Hux stopped at a door and dug a key out of his pocket, sliding into the lock. “Just go easy on him, alright?”

 

Rey nodded and took a deep breath as Hux unlocked the door and held it open for her. She looked back at him and whispered, “Thank you.”

 

“Don’t mention it. I’m two floors up if you need me.” With that, he left, leaving her completely alone.

 

She walked into the flat and shut the door quietly behind her. It was nearly midnight, so she crept quietly through the room, laying her bag and ukulele onto the couch and slipping off her jacket as well. After a moment of just staring down the hall that led to his room, Rey forced herself to take the few steps over there.

 

God, what was she so worried about? This was the man she loved more than anything, wasn’t it? A simple misunderstanding or something wasn’t enough to separate them. She fucking wouldn’t let it.

 

Rey stood at his door, heart thundering against her chest with a raised hand.  _ Just knock. That’s the hardest part. _ And so she did, the noise soft and barely audible but noticeable enough. Hopefully he wasn’t asleep. That would either lead to an awkward night in his guest bedroom or crashing at Hux’s place, neither of those situations particularly ideal. 

 

After a moment with no answer, Rey turned the doorknob and opened the door just a crack. None of the lights were on, the room encased completely in darkness, but the figure lying in bed was unmistakable. “I thought I told you to leave me the fuck alone, Hux.” He was facing away from her, voice tired but not quite muddled from sleep. It reminded her how  _ much _ she missed it.

 

“Ben,” she said, just above a whisper. 

 

Immediately, he sat up but still didn’t turn to her. “What are you doing here?”

 

Rey stepped into the room. “I came here to talk. I found your letter and—”

 

“I’m sure you did. Get out.”

 

“Ben—”

 

He turned to her then and stood. “Get out, Rey. I’m tired of your bullshit. I am not fucking doing this again.” God, he was mad. Rey had never seen him like this, not really. Ben was always a calm person. Not happy but not sad. Not excited but not angry. He seemed to always be in some grey area. Was this what he was really like? Was his Kylo Ren persona his real one, and then whoever Ben was just some fake person he put on for her? No, no, Ben was real and Ben was there. He was just… done.

 

“Ben,” Rey said again, taking a step closer despite how he glared at her, “I know you want me to go, and I will if you want me to after this, but please just hear me out.”

 

“Why should I?” 

 

_ Why should he?  _ “Because I love you and you need to let me prove it.”

 

Ben was silent for the longest moment, eyebrows furrowed in an unreadable expression, but after a while he laughed wryly. “Wow, amazing. I spill my heart out to you, tell you to never call again because a little part of me dies every time I think about you, and you think it’s a good idea to show up and spout off some more bullshit lies just so I can come back and be one of your fuckbuddies? No. Hell no. Get out.”

 

“That’s not what you are, Ben. I don’t know where you got that idea, but you never were and you never will be.”

 

“Really? Tell that to Finn then. I’d love to hear you say it.”

 

Wait… that’s what this was about? Her not telling Finn? “I did tell him. What are you talking about?”

 

“Don’t fucking lie to me. I heard you talking to him when he got there. He asked how long our relationship was going on and you told him it was a one night stand, that I didn’t matter. You promised me you were going to tell him, and then you lied to me again.”

 

So that was it. It had been her last attempt at placating Finn, but he’d seen past the excuse immediately. It was wrong of her, and Rey regretted the words the moment they left her mouth. “Ben, I didn’t mean it. Please, you have to believe me. It was just one of those—”

 

He scoffed and pushed past her, walking out into the hall. Rey followed but kept her distance, not completely trusting herself. “Why should I, Rey?” he asked, stopping at his kitchen counter but not turning to meet her eyes. “Give me one good reason.”

 

Tears threatened to fall, but she blinked them away. It wasn’t the time to fall apart, not yet. “I… I can’t. I don’t have a good reason as to why you should believe me. I lied to you, and I feel awful about it. You have every right to want to leave, but I couldn’t live my life without knowing I tried to do something about this.”

 

Ben turned to her then, and that’s when Rey could see the tears in his eyes. He was a mess, more unkempt than she’d ever seen him before. Hux hadn’t been lying when he said Ben wasn’t doing well. “I don’t owe you anything.”

 

“You don’t,” she admitted, stepping closer. “You have been nothing but amazing to me the entire time we’ve known each other. I don’t deserve a second chance, and if you don’t want me back, fine. I can leave, go find a hotel, and go back to London tomorrow morning. I just need to know that I tried absolutely everything to get you back because I love you so much, Ben.”

 

“Stop saying that.”

 

She set a hand on his arm, and he immediately jerked away. “Ben—”

 

“Don’t call me that.”

 

“But—”

 

“Get out.” Without another word, Ben shoved past her again and walked the rest of the way back to his room, slamming the door behind him. Rey stared back at him for the longest moment before immediately bursting into tears and sinking to the floor. 

 

That was it then. It was over. She’d flown all the way here and failed. Ben didn’t want her anymore. She’d blown it, lost the one person in the world that made her really, truly happy again. Of course. What else had she expected? It wasn’t like she even deserved her happily ever after this. Maybe she wasn’t supposed to get one at all.

 

Rey knew she said she’d leave if he still didn’t want her, and he’d more than made that clear now. It would be wise to just leave now and work on putting her life back together again. Even so, there was a part of her that still hoped there was something. Something.

 

It was stupid staying. It was even stupider to think that she had a chance. Rey and Ben, though, meant something. They were meant together somehow, somewhere, and God so help her, she wouldn’t let a stupid misunderstanding get in the way of that.

 

Without really thinking too much about it, Rey grabbed the ukulele and notebook from her backpack and ran over to Ben’s bedroom door.  _ This is stupid. This is so fucking stupid,  _ her mind practically screamed at her as she flipped open the notebook. Rey ignored it, sitting down with her back pressed against his door and started playing before she lost the nerve.

 

“I have a question,” she sang, her voice small. “It might seem strange.”  _ You’re a fucking dumbass, Rey. What are you doing?  _ “How are your lungs? Are they in pain?”

 

The song was stupid, a mix of girlish wonder and pining, but it reminded her of their relationship back when it barely was one. Everything was a question then, so she made the song the exact same thing.  _ Would you be so kind as to fall in love with me?  _ It was an invitation as much as it was a request. She was asking, begging for just one more chance. One more chance to make this right.

 

As the song came to a close, so did her last shreds of hope. Ben was probably just praying she’d leave at this point. Rey was just dragging it out for her own sake. When she walked out of that door, he would forget about her sooner or later. He would go on with his own life and find a woman, someone better than Rey, to marry and they would have their own kids with dark hair and ears that stick out. Beautiful kids that were his but would never know Rey’s name except maybe for the woman that broke their daddy’s heart. 

 

And what about Rey? Would she ever find someone to love her? Would she ever find someone who carried her to bed when she fell asleep on the couch and charge her phone so she didn’t wake up to a dead battery? Would she find someone who bought her a $200 coat when she didn’t have one and show her their favorite place to go as a child? Would she find someone who would fly over an ocean at a moment’s notice if she was in trouble and stay with her? Would she ever find anyone like him? Doubtful.

 

And that was exactly the reason she couldn’t lose him.

 

Rey closed her eyes when the song finished and let out a wavering breath, setting the ukulele down on the floor and pulling her knees up to her chest. “I’m sorry,” she whispered, barely audible. “I’m so sorry.” 

 

Rey was standing up and bending over to grab her instrument and notebook when the door open. When she straightened and looked behind her, Ben was standing there, eyes averted as he held the door open just enough to look out of. With a gesture of his head, he held the door open further and allowed her access into the room. For a moment, Rey stood awestruck, just staring at the invitation and what he was allowing her, but she went in quickly, shuffling toward the desk chair parallel to his bed. 

 

Ben shut the door behind him and walked over to sit down on the bed. Neither of them spoke for several moments, and Rey took the opportunity to scan the room. It was the same as it had been before but messier. Clothes were strewn everywhere, lamp just slightly illuminating the room, cups and crackers set on his nighstand along with… a bottle of pills. 

 

“That song,” he said, breaking the silence and pulling Rey from her thoughts. “I’ve never heard it before.”

 

“I wrote it,” she said, eyes fixed on her hands on her lap. “I… wrote it for you.”

 

“Ah.” He didn’t sound convinced. “Was that before or after you denied ever having feelings for me to your best friend after you promised me you wouldn’t?”

 

Rey glanced up at him then back down immediately. “After.”

 

“Okay. Okay, you said you wanted to talk. Now talk. I’m listening.”

 

_ I’m listening.  _ Rey’s lips turned up just a bit at that. “I’m sorry. I’m so sorry. I know I’ve already said it, but I’ll keep saying it until you believe me. I’m sorry, and I—”

 

“That’s not what I mean by talking, Rey,” he said, cutting her off. “I have no doubt you’re sorry, but if you want me to believe you when you say it, then I need to know why.”

 

He was right. He needed to know why, and they needed to talk about everything if this was going to work. “Ben, I’m…” Rey met his eyes then and didn’t look away this time. “I’m stupid. I know what I said to Finn, and I never realized you’d overheard me say what I did. I know it’s not an excuse, but it was just a knee-jerk reaction. I didn’t mean it at all in any way.”

 

“Then why did you say it?” His voice was lower this time, sounding more exhausted than angry.

 

It was a question she’d been trying to answer for herself. “Because Finn is my best friend. More my brother, actually. We’ve known each other for more than ten years, and he’s the only person that’s consistently been there for me for a very long time. I know I don’t need his approval to date, and I know I shouldn’t lie to him or you, but I’m just so terrified of disappointing him in some way.” She held up a hand. “I know, I know, it’s not an excuse, and I shouldn’t be so attached to him as a grownass adult woman, but he’s always been the one I could come back to when I inevitably got hurt, so it’s just a natural reaction. I didn’t realize you would hear, and I regret it more than you get. I love you so much and—”

 

“Do you even know what love is?”

 

The question caught her off guard, and Rey fell silent for a long moment. “What do you mean?”

 

“Do you know what love is?” he repeated. “Do you know what it is, or do you just think you’re in love with me because you don’t know the difference between friendship and love?”

 

The question wasn’t uncalled for. Rey herself had questioned her feelings for Ben many times. It wasn’t easy to answer and was even harder to explain, especially to someone else. “Loving someone is… accepting them as they are, the good and the bad and the ugly, and then embracing their flaws because that’s what makes them them. Loving someone is being their friend but also so much more at the same time.”

 

Ben stared at her for the longest moment before sighing. “Okay. It was just a… misunderstanding then? Nothing else?”

 

Rey shook her head. “No, Ben there was never anything else. I love you so much it hurts, and I’ve been miserable the last few days without you. I thought… I thought you just left after we had sex. I thought you were just like everybody else.”

 

“You didn’t get my note?”

 

She leaned forward and pulled the folded piece of paper from her back pocket, staring down at the tiny scrap. “I didn’t find it. When I came in to find you, I set my coat down on it. I was… actually coming to tell you I loved you.” She looked up to see his reaction, but there was no change in his face.

 

“I’m sorry,” he said. “I should’ve stayed and talked to you about what happened instead of running. I’m sorry. I—”

 

“Enough apologizing. Let’s let the past die. From here on out, let’s stop worrying about what we did then and focus on here and now, us together.”

 

Ben sucked in a breath and nodded slowly. “I’d like that very much.”

 

There was silence, neither she or Ben seeming to know what to say next. What  _ was  _ there to say next? So much and so little at the same time, actually.  _ Where do we go from here? What’s next for us?  _ She couldn’t seem to voice the words since every time she opened her mouth they seemed to die on her lips. Instead, Rey stood up and walked over to him, sitting herself next to him on his bed. 

 

He turned to her, their eyes meeting again. “Rey.” God, she missed the sound of her name on his lips.

 

“Ben,” Rey whispered, reaching a hand up to press into his cheek. He inhaled sharply when their skin made contact but leaned into her touch. “I’ve missed you so much.”

 

His eyes closed when she brushed her thumb across his cheekbone. “So have I. More than you can understand.”

 

“Make me understand.”

 

Ben huffed out a laugh and leaned closer, pressing his forehead against hers, their noses brushing. “I wish I could’ve because maybe then we would’ve never had this problem.” He brought his hand up to cup her cheek the same way she had to him. “I love you, Rey. I love you so much.”

 

Without another word, Rey closed the gap between them and pressed their lips together. Softness, hands, the sting of tears. Loose hair, heat, the touch of loneliness. Close but never close enough, a rhythm unidentifiable to anyone, two broken people fitting together like the last pieces of a puzzle. Nothing in their lives were ever easy, nothing except this. 

 

One kiss. One kiss couldn’t fix everything, but it could make things just a little more than okay sometimes.

 

“I’m so sorry for what I did. I hate myself for not talking to you,” Ben whispered when he finally pulled away. 

 

She ran her thumb across his bottom lip. “Don’t hate yourself. You did nothing wrong.”

 

“I thought we agreed to stop lying to each other.”

 

“We also agreed to let the past die, didn’t we?” Rey pressed a kissed to his cheek and then wrapped her arms around his shoulders. “You’re perfect in every way, Ben.”

 

“No, I’m not. Not by a long stretch.” He pressed closer against her. “I give too much and take too little, and I can’t function like a normal person half the time. I’ve spent the past three days alone, wondering why I had to fall in love with you, what I could’ve done differently to make you love me back.”

 

“Nothing,” she whispered, running her fingers through his hair. “Nothing. I love you. I don’t know if that’s going to change one day, but right here, right now I’m telling you I love you. More than anything and anyone.”

 

Ben pulled away and pressed his lips to her forehead. “Don’t leave me again.”

 

“I won’t. We’ve still got a lot to figure out, though. I don’t want anything to come between us again, so that means we have to be completely honest with each other, right? Completely.”

 

He nodded. “Of course.”

 

“Good, because I have a feeling you’re keeping something from me.”

 

“What?”

 

Rey reached over and grabbed the pill bottle lying on the nightstand. “What’s this?”

 

Ben’s face reddened, and he tried to grab it back, but Rey moved before he could. “It’s nothing. Just a prescription.”

 

“Antidepressants?” She looked back at him and frowned. “You didn’t tell me you had depression.”

 

“I…” He averted his eyes. “I didn’t think it was important. You had better things to deal with besides my shitty mental health.”

 

Rey set the pill bottle down and turned to him, taking his face into her hands. “Ben, your shitty mental health, my shitty mental health. We’re in this together, alright? I’m here with you for as long as you want me.”

 

Ben pressed his lips into her neck. He didn’t say the words, but she could hear them still.  _ Forever, however long that is. _ “I love you,” he said again. She was sure she’d never get tired of hearing it. “Thank you so much.”

 

“Always for as long as we’re together.”

 

“Together?” He ran his hands over her shoulder. “As in we’re putting labels on it now?”

 

“What do you want to do? You’ve been asking so much of what I want. Tell me what you want out of this.”

 

Ben pulled back to look at her, running his thumb over her jaw. “I’d be lying if I said it didn’t matter to me. I frankly never want to hear you call me ‘just a friend’ again. But, honestly, call me whatever you want as long as it means the same thing.”

 

“Everything about this has been hard, so let’s try and make it easy.”

 

“Easy?”

 

Rey snorted. “Foreign concept, right? Let’s not think too much about it and just do for once.” She bit her lip and pressed a hand to his thigh. “Ben, will you be my boyfriend?”

 

A smile broke out on his face, and Rey found herself wanting to keep it there forever. “Nothing, nothing would make me happier.” He leaned forward until their noses brushed. “And will you be my girlfriend, Rey?”

 

“You fool,” she whispered, “I already am.”

 

Without another word, Rey leaned forward and closed the gap between them once again. A kiss full of promises, of reminders, of consequence. It was marking the end of something, an era of confusion and discontent and misunderstanding. It was the end of the hurt that came along with everything they did, of everything that had happened in the last eight months. It was the period at the end of a sentence. An end, but there was always space for whatever came next.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is it, y'all, we're almost at the end. Only one more chapter to go!! Thank you all for being so amazing and reading my trash fic. I never imagined it'd get so big, and this is just absolutely amazing. Thank you thank you thank you. P.S. The song Rey sings is called Would You Be So Kind by Dodie.
> 
> Follow my Tumblr: https://reyloday.tumblr.com


	26. I Can See You're Upset About This, Anne

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Things get a little uh........... idk what's the fucking point anymore lmao

_Two months later_

* * *

 

Rey usually woke up to one of two things every morning: The alarm she’d regretfully set for 10:00, or her bladder yelling at her to get her ass out of bed. This morning, though, it was neither, both replaced by something… much more pleasant.

 

“Rey,” a voice whispered, lips warm against the skin behind her ear, “it’s after eleven, love.” She didn’t stir and tightened her grip on the pillow under her face. A hand splayed out over her bare shoulder and moved slowly down to the small of her back. “Come on, I know you’re awake. You’re not fooling anyone.”

 

She opened her eyes then and came face-to-face with the man across from her. “Good morning, Ben.”

 

He grinned and leaned forward, pressing his lips to hers once before pulling away. “Morning. Are we actually getting up today or are we spending the day in bed again?”

 

“Mm, I don’t know. What do you think?” She pulled the sheets up from her waist to her shoulders and sighed. “It’s kinda comfortable.”

 

“Well, I’m getting up and making breakfast because I’m starved. Might go for a run too. You can come with if you want.”

 

Rey wrinkled her nose. “Exercise? No thank you. Unless you carry me the entire way, but I’m not sure you can do that.”

 

“Really?”

 

“Definitely.”

 

Ben stood up and pulled on a pair of pajama pants that was lying on the floor. For a moment, Rey thought he was mad at her teasing, but he walked walked over to her side of the bed. “What are you—? Ben!” He kneeled down and grabbed her by the waist, throwing her onto his shoulder in a fireman’s carry like she was weightless. “Let me down, you asshole!”

 

He laughed and started walking, sheet dragging behind them. “Nope, not yet.”

 

Rey huffed and resigned to stop fighting, knowing it was a fruitless endeavor to even try. When they entered the living room, Ben leaned forward and unceremoniously plopped her down onto the couch. She crossed her arms over her chest and narrowed her eyes. “Happy?”

 

He pinched her foot, which was sticking over the side of the couch. “Immensely. Want some breakfast?” he asked, turning toward the kitchen.

 

“Very funny.”

 

“Can’t say I didn’t ask,” he said as he took his cereal out of the cabinet along with a bowl. “What were you wanting to do today? We have to fly out tomorrow for Playlist, so it’s our last day to do anything.”

 

 _Playlist Live._ Almost worse than VidCon. Almost. “Not really. Maybe we can visit Maz’s later. I really just wanna relax. Maybe take a shower, I don’t know.”

 

Ben gave her a look as he took out the milk out of the fridge. “Uh-huh. Well, I’m gonna take my shower first, go for a run, and then we’ll talk. You sure you don’t wanna come with? New York’s much better when there’s no frigid temperatures.”

 

“Trust me, I know, but I really don’t like running. You go ahead, and I’ll check some stuff for the trip.” He agreed and continued making his cereal, and Rey sank back into the couch with a huff.

 

The last few days had been relatively busy, a mix of Rey flying in from London to New York and getting ready for their trip down to Orlando for Playlist Live. It was the first time she’d been to a YouTube event since Summer In The City nearly nine months ago. Now that the weather was nicer, it was getting into convention season, which meant travelling, events, and (regrettably) panels.

 

Rey usually looked forward to this time of year, even if they did disrupt her uploading schedule here and there. Meeting her fans and interacting with them was always the highlight of everything, but things were different now. Yes, she still loved them, and yes, she still uploaded regularly, but there were others things to worry about now: more questions.

 

Ever since that day in February, her Twitter had been absolutely off the hook with questions and comments and concerns. Initially they didn’t stop flooding her notifications until she left Ben’s flat two weeks later, but it’d come back occasionally when someone made a “clever” meme about Rey holding out information, not to mention there always being that constant question in every livestream.

 

It’s not like she regretted it. Rey regretted those tweets for sure. If she hadn’t been so stupid and had some ounce of self-control at the time, maybe all of this could’ve been her and Ben’s little secret, but no. They knew something was going on, and they weren’t going to rest until they found out what it was.

 

“I’m taking a shower,” Rey heard Ben say as he walked down the hall toward his bathroom.

 

“Have fun!” she called back at him, ignoring the unspoken invitation that was offered. Showering with Ben was… fun, but Rey knew if she went with him, they wouldn’t be getting out for at least another hour. Instead, she sat up and wrapped the sheet she’d been carried out in tighter around her body, reaching for her phone that had been left on the coffee table when they caught up in certain activities the night before.

 

 _20% battery. Perfect._ Sighing, Rey reached over and pulled her cord from the end table and plugged in the phone. It was the charger Ben had ordered from Amazon back in February, one that was more expensive and worked impeccably better than her own. If Ben knew how to do anything, it was how to buy things, and he sure found excuses to do it for Rey at every opportune moment.

 

He was far from a sugar daddy, even if she had questioned it several times. The term was laughable, honestly. He bought her things, yes, but it wasn’t exactly things she really wanted. Rey was sure Ben literally just liked spending money in general if his flat was any indication.

 

The only thing she really needed that Ben hadn’t bought for her was a laptop. That was still his doing, though, since he apparently had eight on hand somehow for some reason. After that, Rey really knew there was a such thing as too much money.

 

She was still lying on the couch, sheet draped haphazardly over her body, when Ben came out from the shower, dressed but this time lacking glasses. “I’ll be back in like an hour or so,” he said, slipping his trainers on. “Want me to pick up anything for lunch?”

 

“I could use some Burger King. Get me some—”

 

“40 chicken nuggets, every single dipping sauce, and Coke? I know, I know.” He grabbed some earbuds from the end table and bent over to press a kiss to her cheek. “Be good. Don’t die. You know the drill. Call if you need anything.” With that, Ben put in his earbuds and left, closing the door behind him.

 

Rey opened her messages as soon as he was gone and was met with an array of numbers, most offering some kind of coupon for free food that she would most definitely be using later. Other than that, there was Finn, Poe, and Rose checking in and sending whatever godforsaken meme they’d found and felt inclined to share their pain with her.

 

**From Finn:**

_IK you already texted you got there ok, but I was napping and I dreamed you fell off the statue of liberty into a pile of snakes_

_That didn’t happen right_

 

Rey snorted as she typed out a reply.

 

**To Finn:**

_I wish._

 

Rose was next, a person who didn’t text her often, preferring Snapchat to anything else if their 137-day streak said anything about them.

 

**From Rose:**

_How is New York???????_

 

**To Rose:**

_Real good. Got some disgusting street rats, equally disgusting men, and some terribly rude people._

 

**From Rose:**

_I’m gonna tell Ben you called him disgusting lmao_

 

**To Rose:**

_Shhhh_

_Leave him alone he’s a good_

 

She exited Rose’s messages and went into Poe’s.

 

**From Poe:**

_Yoooo Rey have fun in NY with bae. I’ll see you in Orlando soon!_

_Also, use those condoms I gave you._

_If you still have them at least ;P_

 

**To Poe:**

_Blockt_

 

Rey exited her messages and went into Twitter but found nothing particularly interesting. There was the usual YouTube drama (Again with those blond heathens, whatever the hell their names were), political bullshit, and, of course, the mighty relationship speculation.

 

It didn’t take a rocket scientist to figure out they were together, and considering YouTube fans tended to be some of the most perceptive people among fandom, it was easy to imagine them being able to figure out the truth fairly quickly. It wasn’t like Rey and Ben really tried to hide it at this point either. It was never explicitly stated, of course, but they’d been hiding it less and less, adding in mentions of each other here and there or posting pictures that included the other. It was rare, but it did happen, and their followers absolutely thirsted for the content.

 

She and Ben had decided very quickly when they became official that they were going to keep their relationship a secret for the time being. It was never a problem really, especially when they stopped worrying about who took pictures and posted them online. The agreement was good for them, didn’t get in the way most of the time, but Rey still had some underlying guilt about it. After everything, acting like she didn’t want him and lying to everyone about it, it didn’t seem right to just… keep their relationship hidden again.

 

Everything was still so new, though. Ben’s rebranding had come so quickly after they got together, and his fanbase had taken it as well as they could. Both his rebranding video and the video exposing his former manager had trended at #1 and #2, respectively, for days and had garnered outside media attention for some of the content he’d discussed—identity, abuse, self-image, everything. He’d gained hundreds of thousands of subscribers in the weeks afterward and had even topped 10 million within a month after posting.

 

Rey couldn’t have been more proud. Kylo Ren as the internet knew him was no more. Some might say he was still in there with Ben, some of the darkest parts of him. It was the parts that were angry and tired and had days where he just couldn’t stand to pick up a phone and hold a conversation. That wasn’t Kylo Ren, though. That was Ben. It was always Ben. He just needed help finding himself again.

 

Kylo Ren was different. Kylo Ren was less of a different person and more of a mask that he put on. It smoothed out imperfections, hid the parts that cared too much. Ben was there, though, and now Rey wasn’t the only person who got to see it.

 

There was a reason Rey never enjoyed watching Kylo Ren after so long of an absence. The camera personality he’d put on after 2012 was harsh and intimidating, nothing like he really was. Now Ben, since changing his display name and all his social media, was really Ben to everyone else as well. He was softer now, wearing glasses and colors other than black more often than not. It suited him, and everyone agreed.

 

Most did, at least. There was always the small group that preferred Kylo and his toxicity and completely went out of their way to make that fact clear. No doubt Ben would have to deal with too many people of that mindset during his panels at Playlist, but he was an expert at dealing with bullshit now with the amount he’d had to put up with with her.

 

The viewers in general, though, they were fine. Surprisingly fine. It was almost disappointing because Rey really had hoped to see them flip out, but it did make her wonder… How much more could they take?

 

Was it to soon? It’d only been just over two months since they’d gotten together officially. Surely it was too soon, right? Although, t wasn’t like it would really change things. Everything would still be the same if they came out with the truth. They’d just be announcing to millions of people the internet’s most famed rivalry has turned into a class act rom-com. Sounded like them.

 

Rey weighed the outcomes in her head. It wasn’t necessarily a _bad_ idea. What could go wrong? It wasn’t like everything relied on their relationship succeeding in the eyes of the internet. If they came out with it, it was fine. If they didn’t, it was also fine. At this point it was just a matter of convenience. Rey _really_ didn’t like the idea of having to hide the fact that they were together during events, especially since it was one of the few times they were able to be together without having to deal with ridiculous travel fees. Maybe it wouldn’t be so bad if—

 

No. No, no, it was too soon. They couldn’t rush things like this. This was how relationships died, and she couldn’t let that happen to them. It was better to just be. Sit and not think about it.

 

Except, thinking about it was all Rey did until Ben got back.

 

“Yo, so I went to Burger King,” he said when he opened the door, “and they didn’t have that weirdass Sweet and Sour that you like, so I went to another location to get it for you since it’s your favorite. I take repayment in—Hey, why aren’t you dressed?”

 

Rey didn’t answer right away and just watched as Ben set the bags of food down on her lap. “I was just thinking.”

 

“Well, that’s never good.” She shot him a look when he sat down next to her. His attention was on his phone, not looking over at her yet. “What about?”

 

“Us.”

 

He stopped then and set his phone in his lap, turning to face her. “Us? Us, as in…”

 

“No! No, no, that’s not what I meant,” she said quickly. “It’s something else. I’ve never even thought about breaking up.”

 

Ben huffed out a small laugh. “Okay, good. You got me worried there for a second. I’d hate to have you break up with me after I buy more condoms.”

 

“Of course not.” Rey reached over and pinched his thigh. “I’m happy with you, and I don’t plan on changing that anytime soon. What I was thinking about was actually more along the of of, uh, taking our relationship a step further.”

 

A smirk spread across his lips. “You wanna get married?”

 

 _Yes._ “No, not that far. It was more along the lines of… I was thinking about whether we should come out as a couple.”

 

“Didn’t we already do that?”

 

“I meant publicly, dumbass.”

 

Ben stopped and pressed his lips together. Rey couldn’t read his expression, face completely blank with no sign of emotion showing. Except there was something about it she couldn’t quite place. “Oh, okay. Why?”

 

“I don’t know. I’ve just been thinking about it, and I think it might be time, you know? Everyone practically already knows at this point, and I don’t want to keep hiding, especially through this season.” She shook her head. “Sorry, maybe I’m just being ridiculous. I just—”

 

“You’re not being ridiculous,” he said. “I’m glad you said something about it. I’ve actually thought about mentioning it a few times but always figured that we were already pushing our luck already. Are you sure, though? We’ve only been dating for, what, two months?”

 

“Almost three, but yes. I can’t imagine getting a better time to do it in the near future. We have VidCon in June and then Summer In The City, and I don’t really want to deal with dodging all the questions about you.”

 

He nodded. “I understand. If it’s what you want, then I’m okay with it. Whatever you’re comfortable with, Rey. If you want to tell the internet we’re together, I’m okay with it. If you never want to say anything even when we’re long married, have five kids, and YouTube’s old people shit, then I’ll stick by that to. As long as you’re here with me.”

 

 _You can’t just say things like that._ The familiar words rang through her mind, but she didn’t voice them this time. He could say things like that, and fuck if she didn’t love it when he did. With no hesitation, Rey leaned forward and pressed their lips together. It was a quick kiss, chaste to prevent it from escalating and setting her forehead on his. “You want to grow old and get married and have kids?”

 

“When has that ever been a question?”

 

 _God,_ he was going to kill her. “So you want to tell them? Really?”

 

“Of course I do, but how? It’s not exactly something we can explain on Twitter.”

 

That was something she’d thought of before. If they were to announce it, Rey always knew the means they’d do it with the thing that started it all. “A video.”

 

* * *

 

The moment the camera was on, she felt her heart in her throat. They were dressed now, Rey put together but shaky as Ben sat next to her with their hands clasped together. _Breathe. Just breathe._ He didn’t say the words, but she could still hear them in the way he brushed his thumb over her knuckle. Ben, he was here with her, and because of that Rey knew it would be just fine.

 

“Hey, everyone.” Her voice was shaky, not at all like her on-camera voice, but it was nice somehow to not have to deal with the mask that she always put on for once. For now, they could just be. “So I know this isn’t my usual set-up. In fact, I’m pretty sure a lot of you may recognize this as your other favorite YouTuber’s, Ben Solo, bedroom. Well, that’s exactly right.” She looked over at him and smiled. “I’m here in New York with Ben before leaving for Playlist Live tomorrow. You might be wondering why considering we live like over three thousand miles from each other, but we have a semi-simple explanation.”

 

Ben squeezed her hand once before looking straight toward the camera. “We’re, uh, dating.”

 

“Yeah… for real.”

 

They were silent for the longest moment when their eyes met before bursting out laughing a second later. “This is absolutely ridiculous,” Ben said, shaking his head. “We sound like we’re announcing our retirement, not the fact that you’re the love of my life.”

 

Rey yanked not-so-gently on a lock of his hair covering his ears. “Very funny, Solo.” Turning back to the camera, she said, “Alright, alright, I’m assuming you’ve had time to calm down from this brand new revelation—”

 

“They already knew it, let’s be real. Mr. FBI Man is probably a Reylo shipper too.”

 

“—so I think it’s time we explain,” she finished, elbowing him. “Even if you did assume something was happening, I can guarantee you didn’t have the whole story. I think Ben would like to explain it from the very beginning since you were in love with me first because I’m the most appealing person in the world.”

 

“Nah, you just gave me a love boner, remember?” Before Rey could do anything else to him, he shoved a pillow into her face and faced the camera once more. “My dears, it all started with a bottle of red wine and a video camera…”

 

* * *

 

**[We… have a confession to make]**

3,477,469 views

 

Comments · 4079

Top Comments ˅

 

 **Eddie Redslayne** [5 hours ago]

hi my name is emma and i’m hurting

_view all 267 replies ˅_

 

 **jacaaaa** [1 minute ago]

 **+Eddie Redslayne** If this isn’t fucking relatable

 

 **TROLOLOLOLORD** [1 minute ago]

 **+Eddie Redslayne** i hurt

 

 **Sarah Montgomery** [3 hours ago]

I’m seeing Rey at VidCon how am I supposed to cope knowing that she’s had sex with kylo ren h o w

_view all 193 replies ˅_

 

 **Teri Rein** [10 minutes ago]

 **+Sarah Montgomery** You just,,,, do

 

 **Rebecca Speals** [4 minutes ago]

 **+Sarah Montgomery** No wonder she stayed with him. I would’ve fucking too

 

 **Kis Kiss Loraine** [1 minute ago]

 **+Sarah Montgomery** Let Rey get the dick ok

 

 **Anne Eneheim** [6 hours ago]

I’m so fucking appalled. First of all, why the fuck is this on Rey’s channel if Kylo did most of the talking?? Absolute bullshit. Uh, second, this pisses me off. Obviously they’re just doing this for the views. Kylo could never love anyone like Rey because she’s an emotionally unstable BITCH. According to whatever shit story they came up with, she got drunk and tried to come onto him and then somehow KYLO is the one at fault? Not to mention it was Rey’s own shitty doing. She’s just a fucking toxic person, and I hate everything about her. Why is Kylo doing this? Maybe he’s being threatened. Like, that’s the only thing that makes sense because there’s no way in hell he’d do this. Pleeeease Kylo stop being Rey’s bitch and act like a real fucking man god. _Show less_

_view all 187 replies ˅_

 

 **Ben Solo** [1 minute ago]

 **+Anne Eneheim** *Ben, Ben, Ben, Ben, Ben

 

 **Sin With Finn** [1 minute ago]

 **+Anne Eneheim** Are you ok?

 

 **Rey Of Light** [1 minute ago]

 **+Anne Eneheim** I can see you’re upset about this, Anne.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey y'all! I am kinda late with this chapter, but this it's only been a week since I last updated so I'm calling it a win. God, God, what do I even say? So this is the last chapter of Disconnect, my baby that I thought up while watching YouTube way back in September of 2017. Back then I hadn't finished a multi-chap in about a year and started wondering what the hell I was doing writing at all. Through the wonderful support of @reylojohnson/no_more_hope, I started this fic and started updating it weekly. I am absolutely astounded by all the support that has come out of it. Trust me, I do not deserve it, but y'all are so amazing, and I love you so much!!! Stay tuned for more stories by me. I've got quite an excellent AU that I think a lot of you will love up my sleeve.
> 
> Special thanks to Pythia, Zu, CaraRose, Windy, and @reylojohnson/no_more_hope for being the best damn gals ever. I love y'all so much. You're so amazing. <3
> 
> Follow my Tumblr: https://reyloday.tumblr.com/


End file.
